Other Character Email Ice Machine/what happen?

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Synopsis

The Almighty Fridge In: what happen? - Your true intentions are exposed, you have no chance to survive make your time!

Ol' Bubba accidentally get sucked underground in the middle of a conspiracy concerning An Ice Machine's future. An Ice Machine and Joey help defeat the carnage and go on strike against Sinistech Inc. Arctic Divisions as well, no thanks to Move Zig.

Cast (in order of appearance): Ol' Bubba, Dr. Donovan, Saargatsson, An Ice Machine, Joey the Otaku Chorch, Tuskyworths, Cadzooks, Unit N3

Page Title: //conspiracy revealed\\ - top secret metal gear k info

401(287) LINES, DUDETTE! NO EASTER EGGS LINESES INCLUDED, DAWGETTE. SPACES IS INCLUDED?!!

Transcript

{Fade in to the border of Ice Zone and Red Button Ice Land. Ol’ Bubba is still searching for his fishing pole, waving his flashlight here and there. It is now dawn. Somehow, mass carnage in the form of rockets and other unholy projectiles from last email wreak havoc in the background, sending poor and helpless minions into oblivion. Ol’ Bubba, for comedic reasons, is unaware of this.}

OL’ BUBBA: Yoohoo! Fishin’ pol’!

{As Ol’ Bubba goes through the border separating the two lands, which is marked by electric barbwire fences, he stops suddenly as he hears a strange shuffling noise in the distance.}

OL’ BUBBA: Ergh. Musta just beenuh Eskimo.

{Suddenly, a metal claw flies out of the snow in front of the eel, and Ol’ Bubba jumps back in surprise with a yelp, only to be confronted by another metal claw.}

’OL’ BUBBA: G-gawrsh! What brings yous fellows her’?

{Unfortunately for him, both metal claws grab his arms and pull him through the snow.}

OL’ BUBBA: YEARGH!!!

{Cut to a dark room. A light is turned on. After a few seconds, we hear shrieking, and Ol’ Bubba falls from above, shining in the light. He lands on his belly, and before he can get up, lights flicker on, revealing a broad-spaced room full of mechanical claws, broken computers, cogwheels, rusty metal pipes, and a weapon rack containing top secret alien weaponry.}

OL’ BUBBA: {gets up, shaking his head} Ungh, mah head. Wha?

{Everything goes into a sudden 360 degree 3D spin, as all the said metal gizmos are revealed. Ol’ Bubba stares blankly at them in awe as the camera faces his back of his jacket, ending the 360 degree spin.}

???: Allow me to explain the ruckus going on here.

OL’ BUBBA: {turns around, facing the camera} Who’s ‘dere, yo?

{Swiftly turns 180 degrees to face a dark door opening. A semi-transparent silhouette of an old man walks out from the opening. He is suspected to be wearing a white scientist’s robe, thin-rimmed glasses, black gloves and standard issue biohazard prevention metal blue pants, with black protection boots to match the attire. The man is holding a thin rod of unknown purpose.}

???: Just a friend.

OL’ BUBBA: …friend? Why, if you was a friend of mah or becoming’ a friend o’ mah, show yo’ face!

{The old man steps out of the shadows to reveal that he is a grey haired elder with a drooping beard. He is holding what seems to be…GASP. Ol’ Bubba’s fishing pole. Ol’ Bubba gasps in surprise.}

OL’ BUBBA: So YOU was the uhn who stoled mah fishin’ pol’!

???: No, no! You don’t understand-

OL’ BUBBA: Den understahn’ THIS!!! HAIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!

{Ol’ Bubba lunges at the old man, grabs his neck, and strangles him with his anger. The old man is choking and struggling for breath.}

???: No!...you have to…GACK!!! Under…stand…

{Then, as if Ol’ Bubba suddenly trusts him, he lets go of the old man. The old geezer drops to the floor, catching his breath in long deep inhales.}

OL’ BUBBA: {charging up left flipper with electricity} Nah’ you tell mah, what do yah wants with mah FISHIN’ POL’?!

???: N-nothing! I didn’t even…{inhales}…k-know if…this…{holds up fishing pole]…was your fishing pole. Let me explain.

OL’ BUBBA: ‘Nuff is ‘nuff. I don’t want yo’ explanations. I want my fishin’ pol’ back.

???: Not unless you help me up first. I need to talk to you about something that concerns the futures of all of us.

OL’ BUBBA: …alright. {releases charge on left flipper, grabs the old man’s hand and lifts him up} But don’t p’ll off’a sum’ dirty trickses.

???: It’s fine, I won’t. Now, follow me through the vast darkness and see what I have to tell you.

{The old man walks through the dark opening, followed by Ol’ Bubba. Cut to the dark room in which the old man and the eel walked in. Two claps are heard, and lights flicker on, revealing two reclining chairs, a shelf behind the chairs holding many gizmos of sorts, a picture of Sargaatsson with darts piercing it, another doorway leading to another dark place, a widescreen TV with a complicated computerized console beneath it, and a refrigerator.}

???: {sits down on one of the reclining chairs} Sit down.

OL’ BUBBA: As you says. {sits down on other reclining chair}

???: Okay, here is the jig. My name is Dr. Ivan Jaega Donovan.

OL’ BUBBA: Sounds familiar.

DR. DONOVAN: I have made my home here after escaping Sinistech Inc. and being left for dead after participating in the “Metal Gear K” project. There is a battle of mass carnage up in the snow, I figured it was best if you were in this shelter for a while. That, and I need you for something else.

OL’ BUBBA: Go on.

DR. DONOVAN: {Pulls out a card and lays it on the left arm of his reclining chair, a hologram of the Metal Gear K pops up. It looks like a normal Gundam Zako soldier, only dark grey instead of green. It has two giant Katanas on its back, and has chainguns for transforming hands.} This Metal Gear K was made by the 467 employees of this company I used to work with, which was SINISTECH INCORPORATED. I was informed when I first was employed in that company that we were going to take over the world, which I was delighted in as a child. Later on, many years after I was fired, the thought of MASS DESTRUCTION sickened me, and so I dedicated the rest of my life to tinker and toddle with gadgets that will revolutionize the world, and hopefully save it. Now as for your fishing pole, this was made from a special material called Nysturnialium, the newest discovered and researched material that comes from specially harvested plasma recoils. It is a sturdy and long-lasting material, the one I need to test my Nystrunialium-powered free-energy “Challenge Gun”.

OL’ BUBBA: …Nysturmali- wha? I be no whizah at scientologuh.

DR. DONOVAN: That’s okay. As for where I found it, let’s just say I challenged a snake…

{The screen suddenly transitions to a small platform hovering above the lava in Lava Zone. Dr. Donovan and Saargatsson are facing each other, Saargatsson holding the fishing pole in his mouth.}

SAARGATSSON: Now then, ssssshall we finish this battle?

DR. DONOVAN: Yes we will. {charges up fists} …O…Me…Ga…{starts glowing and flashing random colors}…deeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuUUUUUUUUUUCE!!!

{Dr. Donovan quickly flies at Saargatsson’s head with one fist, and the impact suddenly creates a massive explosion that sends the flying snake into the lava. He disintegrates upon contact.}

SAARGATSSON: Aaaaaaaaaaaargggggglllllbbbbbbaaaaaaaaa…

{The fishing pole hits Dr. Donovan’s head right after he lands on the small platform. He winces, then grabs the fishing pole.}

DR. DONOVAN: {running a finger through the pole} Hmm…can this be? The silky smooth material of…? I better test this on my new gizmo.

{Clockwise screen wipe back to Dr. Donovan in the reclining chair.}

DR. DONOVAN: {snores from Ol’ Bubba can be easily heard} So you see, in a nutshell, I need to save the world. But I need more help, Mr. Eel. Mister?

{Pan to Ol’ Bubba. He is sleeping. Dr. Donovan lightly shakes his head, which stirs him.}

OL’ BUBBA: Unh…wha? Oh, right, ‘dat snake. I was list’nin’. You weres righ’, aft’r ah. I’ll teacha ‘dat snake a less’n he wills nevuh fo’get!

DR. DONOVAN: I already did that to him. And now I need help. Really badly. With your fishing pole, I can test my challenge gun to see if it really works and if I’ve put the attraction wires on right. And if it works, we will recruit the angels above and the challengers from the city of…Free…Haven…I don’t remember, seeing as I’ve been here for so long. But now, {turns off hologram by touching the card it emanates from} we must stand up against SINISTECH INC. Please, uh…

OL’ BUBBA: My name be Ol’ Bubba.

DR. DONOVAN: Please, Ol’ Bubba, for the love of Jesus Christ and all of Planet K, help me stop Metal Gear K.

OL’ BUBBA: …alrighty. Now, whah do I beguhn?

{Abruptly cut to Red Button Ice Land. Joey is on top of An Ice Machine, who is walking and slushing around the snow.}

ICE MACHINE: OI’ Bubba? Bubba?! Where are you, eelman?

JOEY: That old eel’s gotta be around here somewhere. Bee-tee-double-you, how did you find out about his name?

ICE MACHINE: …I’m sort of like a supercompy. Don’t know why I possess these traits. And do you have my FreezyKeezy, Mr. Joey Otaku Slush?

JOEY: I have it right here {pulls out FreezyKey out of nowhere} and I am not afraid to use it for bittorrent.

ICE MACHINE: Do that on your own time. Just {eyes turn red, voice is distorted} DON’T GET IN THE WAY OF MY INSANE HOLLERING TO BRING BACK A LOST PERSON. {normal}

JOEY: Oooooooooooooooo…kay…

{Camera angle facing the FreezyKey monitor. The background is moving along.}

JOEY: {prepares to type, but stops} Mr. Iceman, what is the directory again?

ICE MACHINE: See-colon-double-dash-program-files-dash-Ice-Machine-Email-Vee-One-point-five. Ask me again and you will be shutted up to the fullest extent of your FACE.

JOEY: {types in “c://program files/Ice Machine Email V1.5”} D-don’t say that. {brings up email}

JOEY: Interesting, an overused fanboy’s fanbased fanfadded fadface. {starts typing and speaking} OH NOES ALL MY BASE ISH GOING TO BE DESTROYED. Ha ha ha, nice try, weirdo, but we don’t accept nerdy fanboyish stuff here. Except for An Ice Terrorist. He’s clumsy and fanboyish.

ICE MACHINE: No comment.

JOEY: {typing and speaking} You do realize Zero Wing has to do with Japan, right? I will give you 500 bonus brownie points for that one. And…this reminds me…I have to go on strike with an ALL YOUR BASE fad in 5 minutes.

ICE MACHINE: {skids to a halt} What?

JOEY: {to An Ice Machine} Err, I never said anything!

ICE MACHINE: {looks up at Joey} Look, you said somethingICE. You were going to go on strike of some sorts.

JOEY: …remind me to duct tape your eyes.

ICE MACHINE: That isn’t in my supercomputational schedule, you know.

{Suddenly, a rocket flies on-screen, and An Ice Machine quickly opens his top hatch to let Joey and the FreezyKey in. It whizzes over them just in time.}

ICE MACHINE: Sweet mother of pearl, what was that rocketamajig?

JOEY: {emerging from top hatch with FreezyKey, the camera quickly shifts to his view facing the monitor after he does} I think it was one of them…uh…nuclear thingies. I recognize them from somewhere. Maybe SINISTECH INC., Arctic Divisions.

{Pan to the left to see SINISTECH INC., Arctic Divisions, which is shaped like a large igloo coated in amethyst.}

ICE MACHINE: {barely off-screen} You mean that building way off westward give or take a few arctic yardage mileage?

JOEY: {barely-off screen, the camera pans back to him looking at the building} I don’t know. Last time I checked it looked like {pulls out a piece of college ruled paper behind him, it is a greyscale drawing of a torn up cardboard box} this.

ICE MACHINE: …you’re sarcastic, right?

JOEY: No comment. {throws away lined paper} The important part is that I will go on strike again. Against this company. Against the odds. Against cruel and inhumane experiments that shed blood and intestines all over the walls.

ICE MACHINE: Like that one game…?

JOEY: Yeah, probably.

{Cut to Joey at the DEATHTRAPARLOR sitting on a stool, holding a wireless DS-like controller and facing a miniature TV on the counter with a miniature steel box in it, with little spheres sticking out of it, some flashing red. The TV monitor is not seen.}

TUSKYWORTHS: Cadzooks! Don’t touch that dead zombie! He might bite your fingers off!

CADZOOKS: You can’t stop me, Tuskyworths. {bloody biting sounds are heard, Joey’s eyes widen} OH MY GAWD!!! HE JUST TORE OFF MY PROSTHETIC ARM!!!

TUSKYWORTHS: I told you, Cadzooks, but you never list- {stabbing, more bloody sounds, Joey’s eyes widen even more} HOLY SNAP HE’S DEVOURING MY BRAAAAAAAAIIII- gack.

JOEY: Good gravy! Tuskyworths just died a painful and humorous, or tumorous, is that even a word, DEATH!

CADZOOKS: I sure need help now. Maybe I can use this rainbow herb. {chomping sounds} This tastes odd. Wait…{growling sounds} OH HOLY FREAKING CRAP I’M ABOUT TO- {bloody explosion noises, Joey closes his eyes}

JOEY: GOOD LORD I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!! {pulls out Katana} PREPARE TO DIE, PS5!!!

{Just as Joey is about to slice his TV in half, we abruptly cut back to An Ice Machine, who is pacing back and forth, and Joey, who is currently making a picket sign. He writes on the white paper, “STOP THE MADNESS, ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO ME!!!”}

JOEY: Okay, there, done. {throws away Sharpie pen and holds up his picket sign backwards} ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US! FIVE, SIX…no, wait, does four rhyme with us?

ICE MACHINE: No. Try “or”. And get closer, you’re not near enough.

JOEY: Alright. {pan out, we see the distance between Joey and SINISTECH INC., ARCTIC DIVISIONS} Here goes something.

FIVE MINUTES LATER

JOEY: {holds up picket sign right this time} ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO OR! FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR-

{Suddenly, Anti-Air turrets, robo-ninjas, Ion Turrets, Hash-Haws, and Postlethwaites quickly surround Joey.}

JOEY: –time? {cowardly} Oh dear.

{Quickly cut to An Ice Machine talking to a half-crisped Unit N3 as cowardly screams from Joey along with lasers, thunder, slashing, blood, and stabbing are heard.}

ICE MACHINE: …and that is why I never drink eight glasses of water a day. Anyways, so how did you survive the atomic explosion?

UNIT N3: Uh…extra armor?

ICE MACHINE: NO. IT IS YOUR ICE ARMOR, FOOL.

UNIT N3: Sorry, jeez. Don’t scare me like that.

ICE MACHINE: Speaking of scare, I wonder how Joey the Otaku Frotzer is doing.

UNIT N3: Not to burn up your parade or anything, but the Chorch you talk about has been kidnapped and subject to cruel and inhumane experiments by…{close up of turret}…the forbidden ones…{pan out, then close up once again}…hick.

ICE MACHINE: …err, whyICE did you just call me a-

UNIT N3: Please shut your porthole. I do it just for kicks.

{Suddenly, the ARROW’D Guy inanimately appears to An Ice Machine’s left, pointing at him.}

ARROW’D GUY: OWN3D!!! {disappears}

UNIT N3: I agree with what he said. You know better than to make puns with freezing things, Sir The Almighty-

ICE MACHINE: {eyes turn red, he leans over Unit N3 in a surreal style} JUST SHUT THE HECK UP, OKAY?! {turns back to normal}

UNIT N3: Then follow me and see how the others are doing.

{Unit N3 walks off to the right, followed by An Ice Machine. Cut to yet another dark room. Lights flicker on, and a rectangular table is visible, with an assortment of tools and what looks like a sniper rifle with purple trimmings in the middle. Dr. Donovan and Ol’ Bubba walk in, and the scientist picks up the sniper rifle. He aims it at the holographic target represented as a spammy pop up:

You have won a free PS5! Click here to claim your prizeandwinavirus.

}

DR. DONOVAN: Fishing pole, please.

{Ol’ Bubba obediently hands his fishing pole to Dr. Donovan. The scientist inserts part of it into the magazine slot. A purple aura emanates from the front of the gun.}

DR. DONOVAN: Alright, steady…

{Releasing the trigger with his finger, the aura lashes at the holographic popup. Upon impact, all the lights suddenly flicker off.}

OL’ BUBBA: Dat’ strange. Nut’n like ‘dis hap’n before.

DR. DONOVAN: I think it’s a backfire in the Nystrunialium that discharges all the available filaments in the lights.

OL’ BUBBA: I tolds yah, I don’t take sci’nce class!

{Cut to a snowy field of torn and tattered Stothoses. An Ice Machine and Unit N3 emerge from below the screen.}

ICE MACHINE: Whoa. No kidding. This nuisance has caused more trouble than I thought.

{One of the Stothoses give a bit of a droned cough.}

ANONYMOUS STOTHOS: Cough. Please…help…us…battery critically…low…

{The Anonymous Stothos blows up in front of Unit N3 and An Ice Machine.}

ICE MACINE: Aaaaaaaaaaaah!!! A Stothoman just exploded into hyperiondrive!!!

UNIT N3: See, look at this. We need your help, Sir The Almighty Fridge. Even the Fullbides are charred from their top-down attacking.

{Pan to the right. A pile of darkened Fullbides are laying on top of a snow pile.}

ICE MACHINE: Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal bad.

UNIT N3: You know you’re not contributing to this problem if you stretch your words, Sir.

ICE MACHINE: What, so you mean to say I can’t put freezing punsICE in my lines every now and then?

UNIT N3: Well, I guess-

{Suddenly, Unit N3 explodes, and his turret lands on the Fullbide pile.}

ICE MACHINE: Aaaaaaaaaaah!!! {jumps back} It exploded by death!!! {hesitates} RUN FOR IT!!! {waddles offscreen to the left} Aaaaaaaaaaah!!!

{Just as An Ice Machine waddles off-screen, a rocket flies in from the right and off-screen in An Ice Machine’s direction. An explosion occurs, followed by flakes of yellow paint.}

{A short, dramatic 8-bit clip of music plays as the words “GAME OVER” are displayed. As the music stops, the email anicemachine@redbuttonspies.com appears.}

Easter Eggs

Click on the now defunct Unit N3 to bring up this easter egg:

{Cut to where the TV was in the flashback in the DEATHTRAPARLOR. It is cruelly sliced in half, and a spliced PS5 lies on the floor. Joey's maniacal laughter can be faintly heard from the basement.}

Fun Facts

Trivia

  • After reading Joshua's tips, I have decided to make the next email sort-of non-canon. Don't worry, there will still be plenty of An Ice Terror to go around.
  • If you didn't know, Tuskyworth and Cadzooks are my 20X6 versions of Tucksworth and Caleb Rentpayer.

Explanations

  • Yes, the pop-up and the flashback are related by PS5.

Inside References

  • Duct taping eyes...well, you should know that An Ice Machine's eyes are his weak point by now. If you don't, then why are you reading this? Get dead, kid.

Real-World References

  • Do I even have to explain the pop-up?
  • The game Joey plays in his flashback is a homage to all Survivor-Horror games in which you have to survive onslaughts of Satanic terrors. {shudder}
    • The easter egg with the sliced TV is partly inspired from The Suffering, a PS2 game in which you play Torque, a convict who has to solve the mystery of grotesque monsters and his insanity meter.

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