Other Character Email Ice Machine/My Benj

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Contents

Synopsis

The Almighty Fridge In: My Benj - An Ice Machine meets a self-forbidden fate! Paths of two Deathtraps!

While An Ice Machine is away, the My Benj go out to TORCH THE DEATHTRAPARLOR INTO FRIGGIN' OBLIVION. That, and we learn who Dr. Spike is almost about.

Cast (in order of appearance): An Ice Machine, Various Snowstromunds, Shadowy Figure, Dr. Spike, Dr. Auburn, Dr. Donovan, Benjini, My Grrrl, and the My Benj crowd, Guard #2, Joey the Otaku Chorch, Lieutenant Jaro

Page Title: Email 12 - Challenge gun is where?

262(179) LINES, DUDETTE! NO EASTER EGGS LINESES INCLUDED, DAWGETTE. SPACES IS INCLUDED?!!

Transcript

{Slowly fade in to the greyscale tundra. An Ice Machine is seen unconscious and upside down, lying on a metal rack which is being carried by four Snowstromunds. Pan to a greyscale dome with a metal shutter. Cut to inside the greyscale dome, in which it is pitch black. Then, lights flicker on, revealing the Shadowy Figure sitting on a bench, reading a book called “Repairing Sno-Cone Makers for Dummies by Ash Ketchum”. The Snowstromunds come in, carrying An Ice Machine, and put them on the floor next to the Shadowy Figure.}

SHADOWY FIGURE: Ah, excellent, excellent. So you brought him back. {pulls out a $2000 dollar bill} Here’s your pay. {pulls out Power Capsule} And this.

{The Snowstromunds grab the two items and silently leave off-screen.}

SHADOWY FIGURE: Now where was I? Ah, right. {yelling} DR. SPIKE! GET OVER HERE!

{Pan to the other side of the dome. Dr. Spike, a Snowstromund, comes out from a doorway neatly labeled “LAB ROOM #512”.}

DR. SPIKE: Sir, I’m ready to begin operation on An Ice Machine, or what they call Yulyszesa.

SHADOWY FIGURE: Excellent. {rubs hands together} Pretty soon we’ll have an Arctic massacre on our hands!

DR. SPIKE: And, uh, I’ve got the {pulls out ice pick} ice pick.

SHADOWY FIGURE: Well, anyways, let’s get started!

{As the two begin work on An Ice Machine, the screen dissolves, and eventually, it dissolves to An Ice Machine trying to input a code at a red doorway. It’s actually the exit from the cellblock in which he is in.}

ICE MACHINE: C’mon, c’mon! Jeez, the code’s not 9-4-3?! How about…{punches in 844} 8-4-4. {the door swings open with a disembodied “froosh”} Hey, it works! {runs through door}

{Flash, then we are inside SINISTECH INC.’s cafeteria, which is nicely polished. Dr. Auburn and Dr. Donovan are sitting on a table. Dr. Auburn’s eating clam chowder while Dr. Donovan is stirring some rice and chicken.}

DR. AUBURN: So, did you hear about the new guy who registered for Sinistech Incorporated?

DR. DONOVAN: Oh, you mean that guy, Dr. Spike?

DR. AUBURN: Yeah. I heard he’s some kind of robot.

DR. DONOVAN: Nonsense! You’re actually right! He is a robot. No, wait, he’s a Snowstromund.

DR. AUBURN: SNOWSTROMUNDS EXISTED?! {quickly starts strangling Dr. Donovan} HOW DID THEY KNOW?!

DR. DONOVAN: Gack!...let…go!!!

DR. AUBURN: {stops strangling him} Okay, so I overreacted. But I still need to know where the heck they are.

{Pan out. Dr. Spike comes in with a tray of celery. He sits down.}

DR. SPIKE: Hi, guys! I’m the new person here. Can you please help me direct me to where I’m supposed to go? I have to see the “Boss” at 4:30 PM to discuss about the new project.

DR. AUBURN: Ah, so you’re the new guy. Um…I, uh, gotta go to the bathroom. {pause, then quickly gets up and runs off-screen}

DR. DONOVAN: Hey, cool, you’re the new guy. Perhaps I can finally {eyes transform into anime-ish happiness} realize my dreams into ruling the world…

DR. SPIKE: Erm, well, {shrugs} that isn’t really my specialty, but I probably agree with you. Now let’s talk about this stuff! {pulls out blueprints}

{Flashback to the present. We have a brief shot of an upper square balcony overlooking a workout center, which is deserted. There are three other doors along the balcony, and a set of stairs. One of the doors is where An Ice Machine came through, another is “DETOUR”, and a third one is a locked metal shutter, labeled “QUARANTINE”.}

ICE MACHINE: Alright. Now which door- {extreme close up as his expression turns surprised} THAT ONE!

{Sideswipe right. It’s barely pitch black, and we have a glimpse of a closed door and bare white walls. The door swings open, light pours through the room, and An Ice Machine steps through, breaking the sides of the wall in the process.}

ICE MACHINE: {looking at doorway} Whoops.

{Cut to farther along the room, where a desk with a note and a water cooler are stationed. An Ice Machine skids past the cooler then comes to a dead stop, taking note of the…note. He picks it up and reads it.}

To whomever this may concern,

I have currently sealed away the Metal Gear K plans somewhere SO HIDDEN that you or your MOM can’t find it. If you must know, I have also fired Dr. Spike because he was sneaking around the area without my permission. But that’s not important.

To unlock the vault holding the plans you need THREE codes. The first one is “9-0-Y-M”. The second one is hidden at the front counter of the corporation’s lobby. The third one is found

{pan down to reveal the rest of the note is blurred.}

ICE MACHINE: …found where? WHERE?! WHERE?!

An hour of pointless mind-boggling mind-rackings later…

{Cut to the same room. An Ice Machine is lying on his back, tired and weary.}

ICE MACHINE: Alright, so I can’t find the answer. {gets up} Maybe I should go check an email or something. {takes out FreezyKey, opens it, and types in “c://program files/Ice Machine Email V1.5”, then brings up the email}

ICE MACHINE: {reading} Dear An Ice Machine, we bleeping quit. You treat us like slaves. {stops reading and suddenly spits out a wad of snow} C-AUGH-cough-gack! Treat you like slaves? {reading} The My Benj, {breaks into song} talkin’ bout…My Bennnnnnj. {record scratch} Oh. I forgot. Well, at least I don’t hear you guys outside my deathtraparlor. Speaking of deathraparlor…{gasps} WHO IS TAKING CARE OF IT?!

{Cut to outside the DEATHTRAPARLOR. An entourage of My Benj with picket signs are marching in single file in a circle near the front door.}

MY BENJ CROWD: One, two, three, four, An Ice Machine treats us like smores! Five, six, seven, eight, his mom is just a defunct frigate!

{A bigger My Benj, Benjini, who wears a “I’M #8” dunce cap, comes on screen.}

BENJINI: Citizens of the underground Benjmac Civilization! {the protesting comes to a halt} May I have your attention!

{Another My Benj, My Grrrl, who has blonde hair straightened out, comes on screen with a Molotov cocktail.}

MY GRRRL: It has come to our attention that An Ice Machine is currently holed up inside that neighboring building {brief shot of SINISTECH INC. ARCTIC DIVISIONS} which is holding some valuable information we can get our…uh…bodies on!

MY BENJ CROWD: Yeah! Whoo!

MY GRRRL: Stop your mindless canned cheering, My Benj’s! We have a DEATHTRAP and a PARLOR to hoe down!

{The crowd raises their Molotov cocktails.}

BENJINI: For victory!

MY GRRRL: For idiocity!

{All the My Benj stare at My Grrrl.}

MY GRRRL: What? Just torch the dang place already!

{As the My Benj crowd throw their Molotov cocktails at the DEATHTRAPARLOR, we quickly pan out through An Ice Machine’s eyes and back inside the room he is in. He is temporarily stunned. The FreezyKey is on the floor.}

ICE MACHINE: My…goodness…they’re…{blinks} Wait, how did I know that? Are my ESP-like reflexes based off of supercomputational reasonings getting at me? Meh, no wonder. {abrupt close up} OH MY GOD THEY’RE TORCHING THE PLAC- {pan out} Wait, what just happened again? {stern} Grrrrr.

GUARD #2: {off-screen, echoing} Alright, buddy man, say goodbye to your Palm Pilot!

JOEY: {off-screen, echoing} NO! WAIT! I REFUSE TO LET MY TORTILLA MANGANOID BE DEVOURED BY THE RECESSES OF THOSE UNDERRATED GAMES SUCH AS WE LOVE KATAMARI!!!

ICE MACHINE: That sounds like…{close up}…dinner!...{record scratch, pan out} I mean, Joey! The Otaku Chorch! {picks up FreezyKey} HANG ON, OTAKUFREAK!!! YAAAAAAAAH!!! {runs off-screen}

{Cut to the once-deserted workout room. Guard #2 is holding the Tortilla Manganoid over a paper shredder. Joey is tied up to a blue-green algae infected scratching pole.}

JOEY: Don’t do it! It’s my only source of energy!

GUARD #2: Says who?

JOEY: Says…uh…the media!

GUARD #2: Nice try.

JOEY: Says who?

GUARD #2: {sigh} Look, it’s either this I kill or you.

ICE MACHINE: {offscreen} No, it’s YOU I kill!

{Pan to the right. An Ice Machine is standing behind him. Suddenly, we cut to a still of him headbutting the Jaro Guard in a comic fashion. Cue brass hit as following text comes on screen:}

{Another comic fashion still of An Ice Machine spitting an icicle at the Jaro, who gets hit in the next still.}

{Yet another comic fashion still of An Ice Machine ready to squash the Jaro Guard, who is badly injured and dismembered. Quickly shift to the final still, where An Ice Machine lands on the Jaro, smiling.}

{Cut to Joey, whose eyes have widened.}

JOEY: Wow, An Ice Machine, you really came to save my dan!

ICE MACHINE: {walking onscreen} And with 1930’s Superman-esque comic fighting style, too! Ice!

{Both start to laugh until Joey slows down his laughter.}

JOEY: Wait, did you just say one of your signature puns?

ICE MACHINE: Crap, I broke my oath. I guess there’s but one thing to do...

{Suddenly a brass hit is cued as we cut to a still of An Ice Machine apparently punching himself in the face.}

{Cut to the same small room with lots of flashing control panels. The Lieutenant Jaro is sitting at his spot. He suddenly widens his eyes in surprise.}

LIEUTENANT JARO: Wait until the boss hears this…the Otaku Fanboy has escaped! He must have survived the first episode of Naruto, English-dubbed!

LIEUTENANT JARO: I better go tell the others before…ah, heck, whatever. With the maximum security here at the Arctic Divisions, what can go wrong?

{The background door swings open, revealing Benjini, My Grrrl, and the My Benj Crowd, who storm in with mallets and Molotov cocktails, surrounding the Lieutenant Jaro.}

BENJINI: {to crowd} This is the guy we want! He has evidence of An Ice Machine being here! DISARM HIM!!!

LIEUTENANT JARO: Wait, no!-

{But alas, it’s too late for the Jaro as the My Benj’s give their war cries and surround him. Before long, the My Benj’s cover all of the screen, and all is pitch black.}

{A short, dramatic 8-bit clip of music plays as the words “GAME OVER” are displayed. As the music stops, the email anicemachine@redbuttonspies.com appears.}

Easter Eggs

  • Hover your mouse over the top left corner of the screen to reveal a red button. Click on it to see what happened to Joey.

{Cut to the abandoned workout room. An Ice Machine is still punching himself, and Joey is still tied up.}

JOEY: Uh, hello? A little help here? I need to get my Tortilla Manganoid.

Fun Facts

Trivia

  • The page title refers to how I haven't gotten on the Challenge Gun plot yet.

Remarks

  • Dr. Spike is a character created by Ekul and Chwoka, and I would like to extend a special thanks ladder to them for letting me use the character in my emails.

Real-World References

  • The punching stills are inspired by comic-esque shows in which a brass hit would occur with a still of a direct attack, followed by a wacky and zany word in comic print. "PWNED!!!"
  • We Love Katamari is definitely underrated. But that's just my opinion. It's the sequel to the most fun JP game Katamari Damacy, which surprisingly was cherished without a scratch.
  • The ice pick comes from Neglected Comix of SMBHQ fame. Or inspired by it.
  • The "My Benj" pun An Ice Machine breaks into song about is parodying the song My Girl, which is sung by The Temptations.
    • The other pun is the name "My Grrrl", the name also based off of flashback.

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