Other Character Email Saargtsson/soul crunch

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Contents

Overview

Saargtsson E-mail 6 - soul crunch

Summary - Saargtsson embarks upon a quest of epic proportions for the Soul Crunch.

Cast (in order of appearance) - Saargtsson, Fiery-Hot, Gaspeau, Chorch

Page Title - Crunch CaliburX6!

Transcript

SAARGTSSON: You can do it, e-mail. Believe in yourself.

{And, up comes the e-mail!}

Dear Saargtsson,
I dare you to steal a soul.
If you do, you will become a man.
Will you?
H*R 700

SAARGTSSON: H star R seven hundred...? What the crap...? Oh, I get it! You're one of those people who talk with numbers on the internet! Fortunately, I speak fluent leetspeek. {He squints at the name and mumbles to himself for a few moments} I've GOT IT! Your name is Hartoo. {He clears the screen}

SAARGTSSON: A soul? A MAN?! Why would I want to become a MAN, Hartoo? I'm perfectly satisfied with being a snake-dragon with his own sprawling power crunch garden... and what would I want with a soul? All I've ever stolen is power crunches. ...Wait. That's IT! This "soul" thingy must be some new form of crunch! I've got to find the Soul Crunch and get this manly power-up! Thanks, Hartoo!

{He gets up. Cut to the Lava World, where Saargtsson's house can be seen just in the background. Saargtsson is wearing an Indiana Jones-style hat and whip, and pacing back and forth in front of Fiery-Hot, Gaspeau and Chorch, who are standing in a line.}

SAARGTSSON: Well, men... and slob... our mission will be a most dangerous one. We must find and claim the Soul Crunch, the most powerful edible artifact in the world! Legend has it that it can heal the dying, destroy without mercy, produce an endless supply of Twinkies, and, uh... probably other stuff, too.

GASPEAU: Ooh, I love Twinkies!

SAARGTSSON: Shut up, you're just a slob.

GASPEAU: Yes, sir...

SAARGTSSON: So, anyways, it is said that the wielder of the Soul Crunch is some... pirate guy or something like that that I think lives in the lands beyond The Negative Zone.

FIERY-HOT: Do we have to take the train there?

SAARGTSSON: No, that'll make us too conspicuous. There are millions and millions of people that have found out about the Soul Crunch, and we're racing all of them. No, we're going to have to travel on foot.

FIERY-HOT: Wait, wouldn't the train be faster?

SAARGTSSON: Well... yeah, but... um, shut up. We're going to have to travel now and I'm the leader, so you're not allowed to question me. Away! {He walks off, and the other three all stare after him for a few moments until running off to follow him. Cut to a view of a field at sunset. Saargtsson, Fiery-Hot, Gaspeau and Chorch are silhouetted against the sky, walking. As the Saargtsson voice over begins to play, a page from a journal appears at the top of the screen and everything Saargtsson says is written down on it.}

SAARGTSSON VOICE OVER: 1st day of journey. Weather: Yes. We are traveling at a mild pace. At this rate, we should reach the Negative Zone in a week or so. If we run out of rations, we've all aggreed to eat Gaspeau first. It's not like anyone would really miss him, anyway. {The page of the journal turns.} 4th day of journey. Weather: Airy. We've reached the Negative Zone Wall a lot sooner than we expected. That's probably because Fiery-Hot is such a sucky navigator. I suggested that we backtrack for a while and then come back so that we stayed on schedule, but no one would listen to me. {The journal page turns again.} Day 9 of our journey. Weather: Snowing and sunny at the same time, somehow... Our rations are almost depleted so we stopped by at the closest restaurant we could find and stole some out of the kitchens. They have some of the weirdest cuisine in the Negative World... like, almost all the place had was grass. Grass salad, grass casserole, grass chips, french-fried grass, I swear even the drinks were grass shakes. Chorch found some big square candy bars in dishes that were in the bathrooms, though. Those were pretty good. {The page turns again} 26th day of journey. Weather: Slimy. We've finally reached the pirate cave where the legendary Soul Crunch is said to dwell. I've decided to give my group another pep-talk before we enter.

{Cut to the cave entrance, where Saargtsson and the others are all standing.}

SAARGTSSON: Okay, guys. This is what we've been waiting for. This is the reason we ate those candy bars that made us throw up bubbles for five days straight!

CHORCH: I'm sorry, they were just so colorful, I couldn't resist taking them...

SAARGTSSON: Anyway, we don't know what could wait for us beyond that cave, besides some pirate dude. But, uh... yeah. Um... {They all stand in silence for a few more moments.} You know what? Forget the pep talk, lets just go in and just... do whatever.

{The screen fades to black as they walk into the cave. Another voice-over of Saargtsson narrates while a bunch of poorly-drawn pictures depicting the stuff Saargtsson talks about slide on and off the screen. Chorch's hand is visible holding the pictures up, and Saargtsson's desk can be seen in the background of the pictures.}

SAARGTSSON VOICE OVER: And it was then that we encountered the dreaded pirate, uh... Captain Van...dingo. That's right, Captian VanDingo. We staged an epic clash with him, and the powers of the Soul Crunch that VanDingo posessed almost defeated us, until I fired about 400 lasers at him at once, and he fell into the ocean that was... uh... conveniently connected to the cave. Yes. So, we marched triumphantly out of the Negative Zone with the Soul Crunch in hand, and now we have all those manly powers that it gave us! Huzzah!

{All of the pictures are gone now, and we can see nothing but a view of Saargtsson's desk with the Fiery 3X6. Eventually, Saargtsson comes back and sits down at it, still wearing his hat and whip.}

SAARGTSSON: Well, Voldo, there you have it. We defeated the dread VanVantes or whatever his name was, and now I have the Soul Crunch... um... hidden. Yeah. It's somewhere no one would find it to, uh... prevent it from falling into evil hands. Yup. No way did that cave turn out to be a passage back to the Lava World, because that just would've been anti-climactic. But I've talked too much. I gotta go, bye. {He gets up very quickly and the paper comes down, reading "Coming soon for all systems everywhere: Soul Crunch the Game! Oh, and e-mail Saargtsson, please."}

Easter Eggs

  • Click on "Hartoo" to see yet another picture of a made-up enemy with a Stinkomanual entry beneath it, which reads "Hartoo's got a sword. It's name is Larry, but that's not important to know. Why would we write useless information in here?"
  • Click on "Soul Crunch" to see a picture of it, a big gold medallion-sort-of thing.
  • While Saargtsson is making entries in his diary, click on his silhouette to see snapshots of the events he writes about: One of the group preparing Gaspeau on a dining platter, one of Fiery-Hot holding a map upside-down and a compass straight up in the air, one of the group pigging out on grass at the restaurant, one of Chorch eating a bar of soap, and one of the group in front of the cave.
  • Click on "Soul Crunch" at the end of the e-mail to see the box art of Soul Crunch: The game.

Fun Facts

  • A lot of stuff in this e-mail is taken from the game series "Soul Calibur".
    • Crunch Calibur, the page title, is a blatant parody of the game title.
    • The e-mail song at the beginning is a phrase that Talim tells herself at the beginning of a battle.
    • The phrase Soul Crunch is a play on the game title and the sword Soul Edge.
    • The Soul Crunch having many powers is a play on the sword having almost limitless power, as well.
    • The fact that a pirate is the holder of it is also taken from the game.
    • "Millions of people searching for Soul Crunch" is also taken from the game, in which each character seeks Soul Edge for their own reasons.
    • Voldo is one of the characters that seeks out Soul Edge
    • VanVantes is a play on the name "Cervantes", another character from the game.
  • "Leetspeek" is actually a real code that online people with too much time to type with speak in. (e.g. "LyKoNgIT0Ta11yPWNeddj0011!1!1one")
    • You guys probably know that, but I wanted an excuse to write in it.
  • The train to the Negative Zone is a joke from the Saargtsson e-mail transportation.
  • I actually plan on putting some doodles I made from the stuff described in this e-mail, so look out for those before I put up e-mail numbah sheven.

Links


Retrieved from "http://fanstuff.hrwiki.org/wiki/Other_Character_Email_Saargtsson/soul_crunch"