Other Character Email Saargtsson/master

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Contents

Overview

Saargtsson E-mail 11 - master

Summary - The Master sends Saargtsson an e-mail, and everyone fakes a lotta stuff-a.

Cast (in order of appearance) - Saargtsson, Poorbts, Frotzers, Gaspeaus, Gokuls, Fiery-Hot, Chorch, Gaspeau, Frotzer, Sticklyman

Page Title - Take off every Fiery3X6 for great justice!!

Transcript

SAARGTSSON: I have this sudden craving to answer my e-mail...

{He pulls up the e-mail and reads it out loud... as always... c'mon, you must know this by now, what are you, some kind of Gaspeau?!}

To Saargtsson,
This is your master. I'm coming to inspect
your place to seeif you get a lot of MeritPoints
or owe me a lot of money, like last time.

The Noid,
The Master

SAARGTSSON: WHAT?! The Master's coming here already??? But my last inspection was like, two weeks ago! And I'm STILL paying for it in blood, sweat, tears and urine! Okay, okay, calm down. Remember your sixteen hearts... I'll just have to get my sprawling garden lair whatever-it-was-called all ready for an inspection.

{He gets up and leaves. Cut to a chamber that is clearly further undeground than Saargtsson's house is; it's darker, and more of it is made out of stone. A few lava waterfalls flow through the dungeon, and lots of Poorbts are running around punching at the various machines and computers scattered throughout the room.}

SAARGTSSON: {directed towards audience} Nice, huh? Yeah, after that one no-name brand e-mail I got, I started doing a lot of purchasing for my army. Check out how organized and... technoligified everything is.

{He turns around, sticks the end of his tail in his mouth and whistles. All the Poorbts look around for a few seconds and then start running around like crazy.}

POORBT #1: EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY!

POORBT #2: The SKY is FAAAALLING!

POORBT #3: QUICK EVERYONE, TO THE ANTI-APOCALYPTIC BOMB SHELTER!!!

{All of the Poorbts run off, revealing that a few Gokuls were also in the crowd. Eventually the Gokuls slither off more slowly as Saargtsson continues to speak.}

SAARGTSSON: Okay, so we haven't done a lot of training yet, and I only have one whistle that can mean either to organize, the world is ending, or it's lunchtime.

{The camera zooms out slightly to reveal that one Poorbt is left, and he's sitting with an open lunchbox next to him eating a sandwich.}

SAARGTSSON: Well, I can always tell The Master that that's some kind of military position or something. But he's bound to appreciate all my advanced technologies.

{He slithers up to one of the computer-type mechanisms. It has a bunch of flashing buttons and switches, everything you'd expect in an evil lair computer thing.}

SAARGTSSON: Check this thing out. This thing has over 50,000 different functions, AND it makes the best cup of molten-hot coffee you've ever tasted. And BELIEVE me, after all my stressful, laborious days, I need my caffeine.

{Cut to Fiery-Hot's office, with Fiery-Hot at his secretary's desk. Several phones are on it now, and each one is ringing. Fiery-Hot is picking up each one and talking into it.}

FIERY-HOT: Thank you for calling Saargtsson's, please hold... Saargtsson's Garden Grounds, please hold... Thanks for calling us, hold please...

{Saargtsson walks in, drinking a cup of coffee labeled "Evil-Lairbucks".}

SAARGTSSON: So... busy day, huh?

FIERY-HOT: Yeah, I can't believe how many customers we have all of a sudden! I wonder why everyone's so interested in buying us out all of a sudden...

{Cut to Chorch's house, where we can see Chorch giggling insanely with five different phones, each one off the hook, in front of him. Fiery-Hot speaking on the other lines can be heard. Cut back to Fiery-Hot's office.}

SAARGTSSON: Well, uh... I'm the uh... manager, you know, I've got work to do, too. I'm gonna go... manage stuff now.

{He walks off as Fiery-Hot glares at him for a few moments while his phones continue to ring in the background. Cut back to Saargtsson at his lair.}

SAARGTSSON: So, you can see how much I need to stay alert while on the job... Master forbid I should get lazy...

{The machine makes a dinging sound.}

SAARGTSSON: Did I mention it makes frozen yogurt, too? The Master can't resist cold dairy products. Now, let's see him try to dock points from me NOW!!!

{A Frotzer floats over to Saargtsson.}

FROTZER: Hey, uh, our time's up now, so if you could just deposit our pay checks, and we'll be on our way.

{The Frotzer floats off, taking the machine, which turns out to be a cardboard prop, with it. As Saargtsson continues to speak, several of the Poorbts, Gokuls, Gaspeaus, and all the other enemies in the Lava World can be seen leaving and carrying off pieces of Saargtsson's lair, all of which are actually props. The background rolls up like a curtain to reveal that Saargtsson was standing in his den the entire time.}

SAARGTSSON: Wait... WAIT! The Master's coming, I need this place to look as good as possible!!! Do you know what happened to the LAST boss that displeased this guy?!!! He's lying in some alleyway begging for money because he's in so much debt!!

{Cut to an alleyway. Just outside of it, Harvax XVII is lying slumped on the ground, with a cardboard sign propped up next to him that reads "I'm begging for money because I displeased the master and now I'm in SO much debt."}

SAARGTSSON: Okay, okay, maybe I should just... show him my normal house or something. I still have a few real minions, I'll just gather them together and... put together a dance routine! That's bound to get me some extra points!

{Cut to just outside Saargtsson's house. 7 or 8 Poorbts are lined up, arm-in-arm doing the can-can while Saargtsson counts off the beat.}

SAARGTSSON: Okay, guys, that was good... Fiery-Hot, how's that baton twirling routine going?

FIERY-HOT: {from offscreen} It would be going better if the batons weren't FLAMMABLE!

SAARGTSSON: That's great, that's great, Gaspeau, how's your slob-leader routine?

{The camera's view expands to reveal Gaspeau and a couple of other Gaspeaus and Frotzers wearing cheerleading unifoms.}

GASPEAU: I'll just ignore that slob comment and tell you that we finally made one of those living pyramids and Frotzer over here didn't even break his circuits again!

{The camera expands a little bit more, and we can see Frotzer in the back of the group, looking severely beaten.}

SAARGTSSON: Great! I'm sure the Master won't even have to bother looking at my house once he sees the Dance of Please-Don't-Fine-Me.

FIERY-HOT: Why are you so paranoid, anyway? All of our money's been converted to power crunches, he can't possibly take those from you...

SAARGTSSON: Actually, we HAD money until my last inspection. I think we had a hot tub, too...

{Cut to a porch somewhere sunny. The Master can be seen soaking in a hot tub that has "PROPERTY OF SAARGTSSON" stamped on the side of it. Cut back to outside Saargtsson's house.}

SAARGTSSON: Okay, remember the rules while the Master's here. Don't talk to him, don't look him in the eye, don't speak his name...

A POORBT: What, you mean Sticklyman?

{Everyone gasps loudly and Saargtsson presses a red button that just happens to have been on a stone wall that just happened to be behind him. The Poorbt is jettisonned off the screen and we can hear it scream as fire appears coming from the spot where the Poorbt flew off to.}

SAARGTSSON: Ahem. Yes, that guy. The one whose name we're not allowed to speak. So, all we have to do is just do our little dance routine before he enters the door, and we'll all be fine. Oh, and Gaspeau, you're fired.

GASPEAU: What?! Why...?

SAARGTSSON: Do you really think I'd let the Master see that I affiliate with a slob like you? Just... go inside and barricade the door in case the Master tries to come in, okay?

{Gaspeau walks off dejectedly into the house as Saargtsson continues to lecture the group inaudibly. The camera fades back to Saargtsson's desk. The words "24.20883 minutes into the FUTURE!!!" flash on, and the camera fades back to outside Saargtsson's house. A large flying ship lands in front of the house and a stairway stretches out of it. The door opens and a large amount of smoke pours out before Sticklyman is visible walking down it.}

STICKLYMAN: What the... why isn't he here to greet me?!! Ooooh, that's gonna cost that snake...dragon...centipede...thing.

{Suddenly, a stereo flies from the side of the screen, apparently thrown. It turns on and starts blasting music. The line of Poorbts slides onto the screen doing the can-can, while a pyramid of flying Gaspeaus and Frotzers fly across the screen several times. Fiery-Hot jumps in and twirls flaming batons the whole time. At the end of the song, Saargtsson jumps out and half sings half screams:}

SAARGTSSON: WELCOME TO MY LAAAAAAIR!!! {quickly and quietly, after the music has stopped} Andpleasedon'ttakemymoney!

{Sticklyman stares at everyone, all of whom are now still and staring at him, for a few moments before he walks towards Saargtsson's house without saying a word. Saargtsson looks panicked and runs after him.}

SAARGTSSON: Uuuuh, master, why are you going there, didn't you like the dance number, we spent the whole day preparing it for you-

STICKLYMAN: THIS is how you spend time that could be used to plot Stinkoman's demise? I'm taking off 15 points just for that. You're already down to a -20. I trust you've got your bank account prepared... now let me in your house.

SAARGTSSON: Ohhh, wait, I uhhh... I need to {he starts coughing ferociously as he talks} Clear my throat... GASPEAU HE'S TRYING TO COME IN!

STICKLYMAN: That was an odd sound for a cough.

SAARGTSSON: Ohhh, yeah, I have one of those uh... Mongolumbian... colds... {He grins sheepishly, and the anime sweatdrop appears over his head.}

STICKLYMAN: Ah, my cousin got that once.

SAARGTSSON: {Speaking quickly} Really, well, why don't you take care of that cousin {He begins to speak even faster} I'msuretheylivesomewhereextremelyfarfromthisdoordon'tevenwasteyour...

{He stops talking as Sticklyman opens the door, not listening to him. The camera moves into Saargtsson's den, which is now sparkling clean and completely re-decorated. The single stone wall in the back is now covered with drapes that match the color of the rest of the walls, and lots of paintings and stuff have been put up.}

STICKLYMAN: ...Wow. Now that's what I call style. Not like that Nebulon, I inspected him a couple days ago...

{Sticklyman walks in and looks around at the decorum. Saargtsson stares, completely motionless for a few moments before Gaspeau pops out from behind the couch.}

GASPEAU: Do you really think so? Saargtsson employed me, as one of the LEAST-SLOBBY people on this Planet K, to decorate for him!

STICKLYMAN: Is this true? You've got some good taste in furniture... I'll give you thirty points just for that.

SAARGTSSON: Wait, just for the decorations?

STICKLYMAN: Yes. And I'll give you A THOUSAND points just because the sky is blue!!!

SAARGTSSON: Ummm...

STICKLYMAN: And four hundred points because that Um had three m's in it. That's 6 billion total, and you know what that means!!

SAARGTSSON: You just gave me a 6 billion on a hundred point scale??

STICKLYMAN: YES! AND TH-OUIDdn... bzzzzzt....

{Sticklyman's head tilts and his cybernetic eye becomes fuzzy. He continues to make malfunctioning robot noises as Gaspeau and Saargtsson give each other "what the crap" looks, and then walk over to the couch. Saargtsson fires a laser beam and Chorch flies out from his hiding place, carrying a remote control with a large antenna sticking out of it.}

GASPEAU: Huh. You think I would've noticed him while I was hiding there...

CHORCH: Ummm... hi?

{Saargtsson fires another laser beam and Chorch is jettisoned (I like that word today) out the door. Angry voices can be heard coming from outside. Cut back to Saargtsson's front yard, where the dance group is standing around Chorch.}

FIERY-HOT: You DARE to impersonate our master?!! You realize that that's a crime punishable by a mob-beatdown.

CHORCH: And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for Saargtsson and you meddling... dance squad.. ers!!

RANDOM POORBT: Well, since your crime was that against the almighty Master, we're going to have to use his new form of torture to punish you.

CHORCH: No... NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!

{Everyone in the group steps closer to Chorch, and each one of them pulls out a bottle of Tortan. Every bottle starts to drip.}

CHORCH: NOOOOOO!!!

{Fade back to Saargtsson's desk. His computer has been draped with silks and his walls repainted, and the desk itself now has ornate carvings all over it. Saargtsson slithers in and sits down at his desk.}

SAARGTSSON: {typing} I can't believe I actually fell for one of Chorch's pranks. This means I should probably go fast or purge myself or something like that... although I have to admit, that Cyborg Sticklyman Cyborg is gonna come in handy later. Actually, I think I'm gonna try to figure out how that controller thing for it works. So, uh... that's the end. Of the e-mail. Really. {The Paper comes down. The original writing on it has been scribbled out, and is now illegible. It now has "Obey teh Masteer + send ChoRch yur power Brunches!!" scrawled across it.}

IF YOU WAIT TEN SECONDS...

SAARGTSSON: Okay, I'm serious now. It's over. Totally. Really, definitely, absolutely. Over. OVER!!!

{He gets up and leaves, still screaming.}

Easter Eggs

  • Click on the eating Poorbt's lunchbox to see a close-up of it. It has a picture of Stinkoman carrying the Big Knife, and the words "Super-Stinkoman ONGLOL" are printed beneath it.
  • Click on the back wall in Saargtsson's den after the backdrop rolls off, and it will come back down.
  • Click on the words "purge myself" to see Gaspeau recieving redemption.

{Cut to Saargtsson's den, which is still all stylishly-decorated and clean. Saargtsson is there, holding up a sword, while Gaspeau kneels (somehow) in front of him.}

SAARGTSSON: And I hereby dub you, for making my den better than Nebulon's, less of a slob than I constantly call you!

{An unseen crowd cheers as Saargtsson puts the sword where Gaspeau's shoulders would be.}

GASPEAU: So you'll leave me alone?!

SAARGTSSON: Probably.

  • Click on the words "Cyborg Sticklyman Cyborg" to see what exactly Saargtsson did with Chorch's robot.

{Cut back to the porch with the hot tub on it. A Poorbt is soaking in it, while the Sticklyman Cyborg (you can tell it's fake because it still looks slightly damaged and glitchy) stands next to him.}

POORBT: Well don't just stand there, are you coming in or not?!

{The cyborg gets in jerkily, and the Poorbt is given an electric shock as lightning surges through the water.}

Fun Facts

  • The page title is another play on the infamous bad translations of Zero Wing.
  • The whole "master" thing comes from Joshua's Tampo e-mails.
  • The "no-name brand e-mail" (Which is a joke from the Strong Bad E-mail cheatday, I think.) Saargtsson got was the one asking him what was up with Tampo, Brody and Stlunko that made him jealous of their huge army, in TV.
  • I'm sure I don't need to tell you where the over-used joke of Chorch calling Fiery-Hot is originally from lava.
  • I really DID like the word "jettisson" that day.
  • A character being thrown off the screen and catching fire is a joke from the movie Austin Powers.
  • Using a bottle of Tortan as torture is a joke from TV.
  • Gaspeau's no longer such a slob, so I'll try not to use that HIDEOUSLY over-used joke anymore.

Links

Retrieved from "http://fanstuff.hrwiki.org/wiki/Other_Character_Email_Saargtsson/master"