100 Fanfics/Days

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Jail was surprisingly boring. Strong Bad had thought that it was a non-stop whirlwind of knifing people, trying not to get knifed in return, and smuggling in contraband Cheatcakes, but he and The Cheat had been there for three whole days, and absolutely nothing had happened. So when Police Officer/Detective/Judge/Juror/Prison Guard Homestar Runner had handed him a letter from Strong Sad, he'd actually read it. Aloud, for The Cheat's benefit.

"'Well, I gotta go. Marzipan and I have a baklava in the oven. Hoping you don't get shivved, Strong Sad.'" Strong Bad put the letter down. Strong Sad was as much as a loser as ever, he could see. And what was that baklava in the oven thing? Was it like a bun? Bun in the oven... Could Marzipan possibly be... pregnant?

He shared his theory with The Cheat, who was skeptical. He wasn't sure that it was even possible for Marzipan to get pregnant. Besides, he'd said Marzipan and him. If Marzipan was going to get pregnant with anyone, it would her boyfriend, Homestar Runner. Or him.

"Ew!" said Strong Bad, having pictured a mutant half-Marzipan, half-The Cheat baby. "How do people get... pregnant, anyways? Is it something to do with holding hands or something?"

The Cheat slapped his forehead.

"Hey!" said Strong Bad. "Don't give me none of that sass! We need to figure out whether or not Marzipan is... pregnant. We need our man on the outside." He raised his voice and banged on the walls of his cardboard prison. "Hey Strong Mad! Get over here!"

Strong Mad, who'd been waiting close by, came running. He held something out. "NAIL FILE!"

"Not yet, man," said Strong Bad. "We need you to go spy on Marzipan. See if she does anything... pregnant."


Half an hour later, Strong Mad returned with a notepad full of badly spelled observations and doodles. Mostly doodles.

Strong Bad took it. "Okay, let's see what we got here..." he mumbled. "Marzipan eating... dirt, or tuna casserole. Let's call it dirt. And here she's riding an elevator... that's very suspicious. You know that thing's gonna break down. Oh, and here's she's vomiting! Or... being sprayed by a garden hose. That tears it. Marzipan is... pregnant!"

Strong Mad and The Cheat gasped on cue.

"I WANT TO BE THE GODFATHER!" said Strong Mad.

"No way," said Strong Bad. "I'll be the godfather. I'll teach him how to lie, cheat and steal, just like with The Cheat!"

The Cheat asked what he'd do if it was a girl.

"I'd wait until she grew up into a fine young lady, and then I'd—"

The Cheat reminded him that this was his hypothetical niece.

"Oh yeah," said Strong Bad. "In that case I'd teach her how to lie, cheat and steal. Man, I can't wait till we escape so I can threaten to tell Homestar about this."

He fell silent as Strong Sad approached. Strong Sad had a tendency to kill a party just by being there. "Marzipan says Strong Mad kept following her today."

Strong Bad waved the letter at him. "Marzipan is having a baby! You said so in your letter here, she's having a—"

"What?" interrupted Strong Sad. "Did prison rot your brain already? Marzipan isn't pregnant!"

"Then how do you explain—" began Strong Bad.

"I am!"

"Wait, what?!" said Strong Bad.

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