100 Fanfics/Christmas
From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki
The room was empty. The Cheat glanced at the open window, then pulled the covers off of Alex's bed. Strong Bad was definitely not there. He also wasn't under the bed, or behind the door, or in the closet. Not even in the literal sense.
The Cheat ran into the living room, nearly tripped over Strong Sad, then shook him violently.
"Quit that, Strong Bad," mumbled Strong Sad.
"He's gone," said The Cheat, in Strong Sad's ear.
"Huh?" said Strong Sad. He opened his eyes and seemed to realise where he was. "Oh. Who's gone?"
"Your flakey brother!" said The Cheat. "Who else?"
"Again?" said Strong Sad, sitting up. He rubbed his eyes. "What time is it?"
"Ten past seven and Strong Bad's gone again!" said The Cheat. "Where would he go? I don't get it!"
At this hour he was probably off robbing somebody. Normally The Cheat would be upset that Strong Bad had left him behind to do something interesting like that, but he'd lost the will to care. Strong Bad was probably getting a late Christmas present for Homestar or something stupid like that. But who was he robbing? Dan?
"Maybe he went home," said Strong Sad. "Keep your voice down." He indicated the others, who were still sleeping.
The Cheat snorted, but lowered his voice. "And maybe the King of Town would turn down an all-you-can-eat buffet. You said it yourself, he likes it here. Now what am I supposed to do?"
"Go without him?" suggested Strong Sad.
"He's my best mate!" protested The Cheat. "I'm not leaving him out of this."
Strong Sad shrugged. "Then I'll go on my own. I think I know Homeschool's address."
The Cheat couldn't see this ending well. Strong Sad was Strong Bad's whiney baby brother, not a hardened criminal. He didn't know anything about breaking and entering, or lying, or any of the other stuff The Cheat had learned at a young age.
"You'd never be able to break into anyone's apartment in a million years," he said flatly.
"I have to," replied Strong Sad. "Uh... I don't like the idea of anyone messing with my mind."
"But..." began The Cheat, then sighed. "Okay fine, I'll go. Just so you don't get yourself arrested."
"Just let me have some breakfast," said Strong Sad, getting up and heading for the kitchen. "I wish I had more than one outfit..."
"Just steal another one," The Cheat called after him, but Strong Sad didn't seem to hear.
The elevator doors opened, and The Cheat and Strong Sad stepped out. The Cheat indicated a door to the right.
"This is Homeschool's apartment here," he said. "I don't think he's home."
"Why would he be at home on Christmas morning?" said Strong Sad, sounding almost sarcastic. The Cheat ignored him and rang the doorbell.
They waited.
"Told you," said The Cheat.
He picked the lock without much effort, and they went inside.
"Down here," said The Cheat motioning towards a room. "In the desk."
Strong Sad nodded, and opened the drawer. "Is this it?" he said, picking up the book.
"Yeah, that's his diary. Hurry up and figure it out! You're a nerd, aren't you?"
"It's a scientific journal, not a diary..." mumbled Strong Sad, opening it and beginning to read.
The Cheat stood in the doorway and looked out. He wasn't going to be caught off-guard this time, even if he was sure that nobody was home. He had a good view both ways down the hallway. If anybody entered it, he'd know. Not that he was worried. Homeschool didn't scare him at all.
The Cheat stayed focused for about three minutes before he got bored and started daydreaming. He stared at his shoes and imagined what it would be like if he was home right now. He and Strong Mad probably would've woken Strong Bad up at the crack of dawn so that the three of them could lock Strong Sad in the bathtub, and then they'd open their presents, and then Strong Mad would need help... The Cheat felt something cold on his neck and looked up into AntiHomestar Runner's face. He yelped, and Homestar's evil twin put his other hand over The Cheat's mouth.
"The Cheat?" said Strong Sad, who was apparently too engrossed in the book to look around. "What happened?"
AntiHomestar removed his hand and put a finger to his lips.
"Nothing!" said The Cheat. Normally, AntiHomestar scared him only slightly more than Homeschool did, but normally, he didn't have a knife at his throat. "Everything's fine!"
"You sound a little—" Strong Sad stopped talking. It seemed that he'd decided to look up. "AntiHomestar?"
"In the flesh," said AntiHomestar, pulling The Cheat into the room.
"What the heck are you doing here? Were you stealing from Homeschool too?" demanded The Cheat.
AntiHomestar sighed. "You really are as stupid as you look, aren't you?"
"Shut up!" said The Cheat, before he remembered that the knife was still dangerously close to that big vein in his neck. But AntiHomestar wasn't looking at him.
"Your brother is a fantastic kisser," he told Strong Sad.
Strong Sad just cocked his head to one side. The Cheat, on the other hand, felt the same way he had when he'd touched an electric wire that time.
"You'd better not be talking about Strong Bad!" he said. "Or... Or I'll kill you!"
"Would it be better if he was talking about Strong Mad?" said Strong Sad.
The Cheat didn't respond. He just stared. Homestar and Strong Bad had been bad enough, but this... What the heck was Strong Bad thinking? Oh, wait. AntiHomestar was lying. Yeah, that was probably it. He had to be lying.
"Are you going to kill us?" said Strong Sad calmly.
The Cheat wished AntiHomestar had picked a different lie, one he didn't have to stop himself from picturing.
"I wish," said AntiHomestar. "Orders were to detain you."
"Orders?" repeated The Cheat, startled out of his thoughts. AntiHomestar, taking orders? His head hurt.
"So it's true," said Strong Sad. "Homeschool did create you."
"So what?" said AntiHomestar. "Mike and Matt created you, and I don't see you having to follow their every freaking whim." He reached into his pocket with his free hand and pulled out a TranSphere, which he activated. "In the portal. Now."
They went.
"Great," said The Cheat, testing how freely he could move. "How was I supposed to know that Mister Stabby Time was working for Dumbschool? And what did you mean, he created this universe?"
Strong Sad suspected that he was trying to keep his mind off what AntiHomestar had said about Strong Bad. He wasn't too bothered by the idea himself, but he thought that it might have something to do with his emotion problem. He was a little concerned about AntiHomestar's ability to maintain a healthy relationship, and about Strong Bad's deteriorating mental health and self esteem, but that was as far as it went. He also wasn't really bothered about how he was chained to a wall in a dungeon in the mirror universe.
"Homeschool wrote about it," said Strong Sad, after a lengthy pause. "He was trying to stop us from being funny, and the first thing he tried was inversing our universe."
"Stop us from being funny? What the heck?" said The Cheat incredously. "Why would he do that? Is he jealous or something?"
"I don't know," said Strong Sad. "He didn't say. He doesn't think turning us into humans is working out either. He said something about ending the experiment soon."
"Did the crazy man at least say something about a cure?" said The Cheat.
Strong Sad nodded. "He said that the effects of the TranSphere can be reversed for a while if you go back to your old state of mind."
The Cheat was silent for a few seconds.
"I don't get it," he said.
"Think like a The Cheat, not like a human," said Strong Sad.
"I do!" protested The Cheat.
"What day is it today?" said Strong Sad.
"Christmas!" said The Cheat automatically. "Oh crap... I mean D... That ween thing. Decemberween."
Strong Sad just looked at him.
"Why don't you do it, if you're so smart?" snapped The Cheat.
Strong Sad looked down at the manacles on his ankles, and measured them against the width that his legs used to be.
"I'll pass," he said.
"Huh," said The Cheat, then fell silent.
Time passed. Strong Sad got an itch that he couldn't scratch.
"The Cheat are you—"
"Shut up, I'm concentrating!" yelled The Cheat.
Strong Sad tried to scratch his head. And The Cheat suddenly became a The Cheat again. The manacles slipped off his stubby arms, and he looked up at Strong Sad.
"Meh!" he said, but the sounds didn't resolve into meaning. Strong Sad was confused until he realised that being human probably meant having to study a language in order to understand it.
"I can't understand you," he said.
The Cheat made a frustrated noise and left the room. Strong Sad hoped he'd be coming back. His temple really itched.
| 100 Fanfics |
|---|
Beginnings | Ends | Outsides | Days | Years | Blue | White | Friends | Enemies | Death | Sunrise | Taste (PG-13) | Shapes | Star | Air | Breakfast | Lunch | Spring | Passing | Rain | Broken | He | Choices | School | Home | Christmas | Writer's Choice 1 |
