Other Character Email Pan Pan/Tai Chi

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Contents

Summary

Stressed by 1-Up's endless stupidity, Pan Pan seeks relaxation.

Cast (in order of appearance): Pan Pan, 1-Up, Cheatball, Stinkoman, 20X6 Marzipan, Sankaman, TV Host (Voice Only), Mail Grundy, Monk

Page Title: OptiPilot XZ

Words: 2,138

Transcript

{Cut to a hallway in Stinkoman HQ. Pan Pan, holding a towel and a shower cap, walks to a door.}

PAN PAN: {yawns} (And so, another day begins with...)

{Pan Pan opens the door. Almost immediately, a great flood of water crashes into Pan Pan and sends him into a wall off-screen. A crash is heard as water continues to flood out of the room.}

PAN PAN: {off-screen} (...receiving the result of 1-Up clogging the drain while keeping the shower faucet on overnight... again...)

{Cut to the kitchen. Pan Pan wearily walks to the refridgerator.}

PAN PAN: (Ugh... I'll need five bowls of rice for breakfast to feel like I haven't been attacked by a flood of water from the bathroom.)

{Pan Pan opens the refridgerator door, lets out a yelp, and jumps back. 1-Up pops out of the refridgerator.}

1-UP: {yawning} Morning Pan Pan!

PAN PAN: (1-Up, what the crap were you doing in that refridgerator?)

1-UP: I wanted to see if there was light in the fridge if you closed the door! Plus, it makes a nice bed!

PAN PAN: (Uh, did you, by any chance, spare the food in the refridgerator?)

1-UP: Nope! I ate everything so I could find the...

PAN PAN: (Stop! Don't say the P-word!)

1-UP: What? Please?

PAN PAN: (No!)

1-UP: Plate? Pie? Pinky?

PAN PAN: (No. Just shu-)

1-UP: Pine? Parachute?

PAN PAN: {lowers head} (I'll just exercise to get my mind off of this stress...)

{Cut to a courtyard with ten targets around the perimeter. Pan Pan, holding a wooden sword, is standing by Cheatball. Pan Pan nods. Cheatball flies into the air. Then Cheatball begins to fly quickly at Pan Pan, who swings his sword and strikes Cheatball, sending him flying into one of the targets. As the target collapses, Cheatball flies at Pan Pan again. Pan Pan strikes Cheatball with his sword again, sending Cheatball flying flying into another target.}

PAN PAN: (This is a great way to start the morning!) {strikes Cheatball with his sword} (It's a great way for me to forget everything that happened to me!) {strikes Cheatball with his sword again} (By the time I hit the tenth target, I'll be as good as new!)

1-UP: {off-screen} Hey Pan Pan! I think I may have an idea what that P-word is!

PAN PAN: (Uh-oh...) {strikes Cheatball with his sword again} (Must concentrate...)

{1-Up runs onscreen.}

1-UP: It's pineapple!

PAN PAN: (No. 1-Up, would you please g-)

1-UP: Porcupine? Poker? Popcorn?

PAN PAN: {strikes Cheatball with his sword} (1-Up...)

1-UP: Petals? Pliers? Poke?

PAN PAN: (No, no, no!)

1-UP: Paramecium?

PAN PAN: {startled} (How the crap were you able to remember, let alone say, that wor-)

{Cheatball flies into Pan Pan, who doesn't swing his sword, knocking Pan Pan onto the ground. 1-Up looks shocked. Cheatball continues flying off-screen.}

1-UP: {to Cheatball} You assaulted my friend! {picks up Pan Pan's sword} I'LL AVENGE HIM!!!

{1-Up runs off-screen, wildly waving the sword around, screaming. Pan Pan smacks himself in the face. Pan swipe to 1-Up following an annoyed Pan Pan at the Field.}

1-UP: Peanuts? Pins? Palms? Pool? Pants?

PAN PAN: {annoyed} (1-Up, if I tell you what I meant, will you leave me alone for the rest of the da- no, rest of the week?)

1-UP: Maybe. What is it? Pretty?

PAN PAN: (It's pu-)

1-UP: Oh, right! I just remembered! I set fire to that old woman's apartment, and I forgot to shoot water at it! Well, I've got to go play in the junkyard!

{1-Up runs off-screen. Pan Pan looks to the right. Pan to the right to reveal a building on fire. Pan Pan covers his face with a hand.}

PAN PAN: ((How expensive will this be? How many lawsuits will I have to avoid? Will I need the leash again?)) {raises head} (No. Don't do it, Pan Pan. No matter what, you're his best friend. Best friends don't kill best friends.)

{Suddenly, the burning building in the background blows up. Flaming debris flies to where Pan Pan is standing. He makes several quick moves and has to make a dive to avoid the flaming debris.}

PAN PAN: ((At least, not directly...))

{Cut to Pan Pan's room. Pan Pan walks onscreen with a face that's both sullen and shows restraint. He picks up his OptiPilot on a bedstand table.}

PAN PAN: (Just give me a freakin' email. And make it good! No having to time travel! I swear, if I do, I'll skin every Spectral alive!)

OPTIPILOT: {robotic voice} Sensing great anger in the owner. Must provide best email for the situtation.

{The OptiPilot shoots out a holographic screen with the following email. Pan Pan just looks at the email, not in the mood for reading it out loud.}

{What Pan Pan says is translated into text on the holographic screen.}

PAN PAN: (Tai Chi? Sounds something that I'd associate with yoga and those stupid yoga videos. Well, I'll try out this Tai Chi, but who the crap is this Sankaman... er... Sanakakaman? Sankaman... Anyway, the person who would know who this Sankaman is would be Stinkoman. So...)

{Cut to the Field. Stinkoman runs onscreen with Pan Pan following.}

STINKOMAN: Well, I think this Sankaman is nearby! {points to the right} There he is!

{Pan right to show 20X6 Marzipan, looking at a tree. Cut back to Stinkoman and Pan Pan.}

PAN PAN: (That's not Sankaman! That's... er... Erg... no, that's not it... Zagri... no... Uran... no... Pl... whatvever her name is, that's not Sankaman. I'm sure that Sankaman's a male, not a female!)

STINKOMAN: Are you sure?

{Pan Pan shrugs.}

STINKOMAN: So, that person is probably this Sankaman you're looking for. If that's not Sankaman, then pretend she's Sankaman for the day!

PAN PAN: (Well, fine.)

{Fade to black. Cut to 20X6 Marzipan and Pan Pan in the previously seen courtyard, meditating. They are surrounded by candles letting off brightly colored smoke. Slow music plays. Then Pan Pan opens his eyes.}

PAN PAN: You know, whatever your name is (or Sankaman), this isn't working at all. In fact, this is only stressing me a bit more, for my butt's starting to hurt from the excessive sitting. Also, the smoke's starting to suffocate me. Why don't you teach me some real Tai Chi?

20X6 MARZIPAN: But I know nothing about this Chai Ti.

PAN PAN: (Well, you're going to be paid for how well you teach me. Right now, you're going to be paid negativ-)

20X6 MARZIPAN: Let's go to the bookstore!

{Pan swipe. 20X6 Marzipan is holding a book called "Questionable RudimentaryTai Chi". 20X6 Marzipan opens the book and reads.}

20X6 MARZIPAN: Well, skipping all of this introductional stuff, it says the core training involves two primary features: the solo form and different styles of pushing hands. The solo form involves a slow sequence of movements which emphasize as straight spin, relaxed breathing, and a natural range of motion. Pushing hands involves sensitivity in reflexes through various motions to learn leverage, timing, coordination, and positioning when interacting with another. This might involve self-defense. Also, you need to have this yin/yang or yang/yin balance in combat, so the force of attack can just exhaust itself or be safely redirected.

{The following caption appears.}

Wikipedia is good to our cause

20X6 MARZIPAN: So the first posture for solo form is... standing on one leg, stretching the other into the air, smearing your face with tomato juice, sucking your thumb, and spinning as fast as possible.

{Zoom in on Pan Pan.}

PAN PAN: (That doesn't sound right. I think that...)

{Zoom out to show 20X6 Marzipan is standing on one leg, stretching the other into the air, and sucking her thumb while spinning as fast as possible with her face smeared with milk. There is a glass of tomato juice on the ground.}

PAN PAN: (Wait. Just let me think this over.)

{A thought bubble comes up from Pan Pan's head. Cut to the thought bubble, which shows a guy in the shadows shooting 20X6 Marzipan and Pan Pan doing "Tai Chi" with a camera. In the background, 20X6 Marzipan and Pan Pan are slapping their foreheads madly and screaming "Hai-toh! Beng! Gait!" at the top of their lungs (with Pan Pan speaking in his language).}

{Cut to a room with a TV Stinkoman HQ in Pan Pan's thought bubble. Stinkoman and 1-Up are sitting on chairs, watching TV. Pan Pan walks onscreen, looking a bit exhausted, but a bit relaxed. Stinkoman and 1-Up look at Pan Pan with scared looks.}

PAN PAN: (What?)

{Stinkoman lifts his chair and backs away from Pan Pan.}

STINKOMAN: Back away from me! I don't want two in my house!

PAN PAN: (Let me guess. It has to do with what you're watching, right?)

{Pan Pan turns to look at the TV. Cut to the TV, which is showing a video of Pan Pan and 20X6 Marzipan doing "Tai Chi", or waving their arms around madly. The video then shows Pan Pan and 20X6 Marzipan slapping their foreheads madly, as shown before. Then the video shows Pan Pan and 20X6 Marzipan slapping each other in the face repeatedly. In each of the shots, Pan Pan shows signs of reluctance. Canned laughter is heard throughout the video.}

HOST: {voiceover} And that was a priceless, hilarious video given to us all by this person named "Sankaman". In fact, he has written a message along with the video, "This is for ignoring my offer and going to some unnamed girl!"

{Cut back to Pan Pan and 1-Up. Stinkoman has run away from the room.}

1-UP: It's okay, Pan Pan. It took you some time to adjust, but...

PAN PAN: (No! That's not it! You've got the wrong idea! It must've been that book! I knew it wasn't trustworthy! That stupid San... er... Xen... Marz... Orim... whatever the crap her name is, it's her fault! In fact, I should also be angry at Sankaman!)

1-UP: Oh, and by the way, this mail guy sent a holo-message to you from someone.

{1-Up gives Pan Pan a small, disk-like hologram projector, which shoots out a hologram of a Grundy wearing a mail man's hat.}

MAIL GRUNDY: I'm delivering a message to you from some passerby: "Hahaha! You looked very stupid! In fact, you are stupid! Probably insane as well!" While I'm at it, here's my message... {laughs uncontrollably} You were just ridiculous. I mean ridiculous!

{Pan Pan fiercely throws the hologram projector onto the floor and crushes it with his foot.}

PAN PAN: {angrily} (That's it! I'm opening the iron door!)

1-UP: {alarmed} That iron door? Pan Pan! No!

{Cut to Pan Pan's room. Pan Pan locks the door and walks to an iron door next to it. He opens it and gets out a really menacing looking rocket launcher. Cut to a room with a large opening in the wall. There is Pan Pan's cannon. Pan Pan goes to the opening and aims with his rocket launcher. Just then, the thought bubble pops as we pan out to Pan Pan and 20X6 Marzipan (still doing the "Tai Chi" "pose") in the courtyard.}

PAN PAN: (You know what? Forget it. Blowing things up with rocket launchers isn't worth it. I know that this isn't Tai Chi, and I'm not going to risk the consequences of following that book. I'm outta here!)

{Cut to Sankaman in the shadows (shown before in Pan Pan's thoughts). Pan Pan is walking away from a distraught 20X6 Marzipan.}

SANKAMAN: What? Oh no! If Pan Pan's not doing the stupid stuff she's doing, then there's no proper way for me to have revenge on him for ignoring me and going to her! And who cares about shooting a video of her? Nobody knows her name!

{Cut to Pan Pan in the mountains. He is carrying a small bag. He is in front of a temple.}

PAN PAN: (If I can't learn Tai Chi from people in the city, I might as well learn it from the professionals, people who learn Tai Chi for life in the mountains.)

{Cut to the temple. Pan Pan walks onscreen and meets a monk. They both bow to each other.}

MONK: Greetings, young one. Do you wish to learn our art of Tai Chi?

PAN PAN: (Yes, sir.)

MONK: Then allow us to shave your hair off.

PAN PAN: (What? But I don't even have hair! Fur, but that doesn't count!)

{Cut to the OptiPilot (on the bedstand) left behind in Pan Pan's room. It shoots out a holographic screen, which says the following.}

Click here to email Pan Pan at flyingpanda529@cocomail.com

Easter Eggs

You will need to look for the Easter Eggs yourself in the Transcript. If you've found all two Easter Eggs, you are allowed to click on the [edit] button. If not, it's advised that you attempt to find the Easter Eggs. If you truly can't find all two, click on the [edit] button.


Fun Facts

  • Click here to read about paramecium, a genus of protozoa.
  • Click here to read about Tai Chi Chuan (known as Tai Chi).
  • Sankaman is thought by some users to be the 20X6 version of Strong Sad. However, due to the fact that Sankaman is unofficial, Sankaman isn't specifically 20X6 Strong Sad in this email.
  • 20X6 Marzipan's name is unknown because very little is known about the official character.
  • The information 20X6 Marzipan reads out about Tai Chi is mostly taken from the Wikipedia page on Tai Chi (in this section).
  • Pan Pan's cannon and the room it's in were shown in Friendship.
  • Click here to read about psychokinesis.


Other Character Email Pan Pan

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