Other Character Email Pan Pan/Pom Pom

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Contents

Summary

Pan Pan is sick. So is Stinkoman and others. 1-Up is not, so he tries to show the relationship between Pan Pan and Pom Pom.

Cast (in order of appearance) Cheatball, 1-Up, Stinkoman, Pan Pan, Pompom, Homestar Runner (Easter Egg), Pom Pom, Panda Tribe, Female Panda, Nurse Robot

Page Title: OptiPilot XZ - Recorded to a Live Audience

Words: 2,062

Transcript

{Cut to Cheatball, splattered onto a wall in the kitchen. Cheatball is somehow in a liquid form. The part of his face that's shown in the splattered puddle shows that Cheatball is sick. 1-Up pops onscreen, facing the camera.}

1-UP: And this, kids, is what happens when you kick a sick Cheatball into the wall! Something weird! And wet!

{1-Up walks away from Cheatball, carrying the camera so that it's facing his face while he's walking.}

1-UP: And that was Cheatball, that one guy who may or may not be a pet!

{1-Up swings the camera around (nearly hitting his face) to face Stinkoman (green in the face), running down the hallway.}

1-UP: Hey Stinkoman!

STINKOMAN: DON'T TALK TO ME NOW!!!

{The camera follows Stinkoman as he runs to the bathroom, screaming. The door slams shut as vomiting noises are heard.}

STINKOMAN: {from inside} Ugh... my shoes...

1-UP: Ew! Gross! I can't believe The Guy did that! {different tone} Yes, that is The Guy, Stinkoman! That's what makes this house so cool! You'd wish you're living here right now!

{The camera faces 1-Up as he walks down the hallway.}

1-UP: But Stinkoman's not the only cool guy in this house. I'm going to show you to my friend, Pan Pan, who is just around the corner!

{Cut to Pan Pan lying on his bed with an ice pack on his head. He is no longer wearing his ski cap from before, as his "hair" has grown back.}

PAN PAN: (Ugh... this sickness has grown worse... I wonder what it is, for it seems to be infectious... Well, I can have some rest and rela-)

1-UP: {off-screen} Hey Pan Pan!

PAN PAN: (The door's locked! It's quarantined from the rest of the house! (Although I wouldn't mind you getting sick too.))

1-UP: {off-screen} Not anymore!

{An explosion is heard, shocking Pan Pan. 1-Up walks onscreen with his floating camera, which looks like a 21st century video camera.}

PAN PAN: (What do you want? How did you get explosives, again?)

1-UP: Well, I'm shooting a little video of my house...

PAN PAN: (Your house?)

1-UP: ...for a school project, and after watching your email show on the InstaNet...

PAN PAN: (I never put my emails on the InstaNet (I hope)!)

1-UP: ...I decided that by shooting you checking an email and doing crazy stuff, I can get bonus points!

PAN PAN: (First of all, I wouldn't want to do check an email just for "bonus points". Second, can't you see I'm too sick to check an email?)

1-UP: Oh, you're sick? That's too bad. {sees Pan Pan's OptiPilot} Say, I know what I'll do. I'll check an email for you!

PAN PAN: {alarmed} (Dear Baddalang, NO!)

1-UP: Well, let's see how to work this baby up... {picks up Pan Pan's OptiPilot} I think I'll check an email.

PAN PAN: (The OptiPilot won't show an email to any person, especially...)

OPTIPILOT: {robotic voice} You have three emails.

PAN PAN: ((Unloyal piece of scrap...))

{The OptiPilot shoots out a holographic screen with the following email. Zoom in on 1-Up. 1-Up reads the email.}

{What 1-Up says is put on the holographic screen below the email as text.}

1-UP: Really? That's interesting, 1-Up. By the way, I really like your name.

PAN PAN: {off-screen} (Oh brother...)

1-UP: So, Pan Pan and Pom Pom? I think I'll start by talking about how Pan Pan's related to Pom Pom!

{Cut to an image of a pompom used by cheerleaders.}

1-UP: {voiceover} Pom Pom was just an ordinary pompom, except he was fed up wit-

PAN PAN: {voiceover} (Uh, 1-Up?)

{Cut back to Pan Pan's room.}

PAN PAN: (I'm pretty sure this Pan Pan "1-Up" talked about isn't literally a pompom (which is actually called a "pom-pon").)

1-UP: Well, that's interesting. Little machine thingy, show me this Pom Pom.

{The OptiPilot shoots out a holographic screen with an image of Pom Pom.}

1-UP: Heh, this guy looks like a balloon, just like you!

PAN PAN: (Hey! At least I look more solid than that guy!)

1-UP: No need to feel ashamed of your daddy!

PAN PAN: (W-what?!?)

{Cut to Pom Pom standing on The Field.}

1-UP: {voiceover} Everyone loves Pom Pom. He's a likeable guy.

{Cut to Pom Pom walking away from a university.}

1-UP: {voiceover} One day, Pom Pom decided to be an archaeologist, so he went to college and got really good grades and became an archaeologist!

{Cut to a map of Asia. Labeled on the map is a country named New China.}

1-UP: {voiceover} After he became an archaeologist, he went to New China to go on an adventure to find treasures, swing from ropes, be chased by rolling boulders, and a whole bunch of other stuff, just like Idaho Jones!

PAN PAN: {voiceover} (It's Indiana Jo-)

{Adventure music plays. Cut to Pom Pom swinging over a lake of crocodiles on a vine. Cut to Pan Pan running through a rain forest, slashing at the trees and plants in his way with a sword. Cut to Pom Pom, running across a falling rope bridge. Cut to Pom Pom walking to a Pistols For Pandas sign.}

1-UP: {voiceover} Then Pom Pom came upon a tribe of pandas...

{Pom Pom looks to the left. Pan to the left, showing a large group of pandas (wearing Pistols For Pandas shirts and holding pistols) surrounding a female panda tied to a stake over a pit of lava. The pandas are roaring in unison and to a drumbeat.}

1-UP: {voiceover} ...and being an archaeologist, he fought against the evil pandas...

{Cut to a censored video game version of the fight with an 8-bit Pom Pom with a sword slashing at the 8-bit, pistol-bearing pandas, who "explode" when they're hit. The Pom Pom sprite moves to the female panda sprite. A "bling" is heard.}

1-UP: {voiceover} ...and saved the damsel-in-disdress!

POM POM: {voiceover} (Distress...)

{Cut to Pom Pom victoriously holding the female panda over his head as he walks to a cliff. Victory music plays.}

1-UP: {voiceover} After that, Pom Pom and the panda began dating.

{The melody to "You're A Girl" begins playing as we cut to a montage. The montage first shows Pom Pom and the panda at a luxurious restaurant, drinking grape juice and eating steak and bamboo. Cut to Pom Pom and the panda on a cruise ship. Cut to Pom Pom and the panda happily running down a beach. Cut to Pom Pom and the panda making a snowman together. Cut to Pom Pom and the panda attempting to make snow angels.}

1-UP: {voiceover} And then...

{Cut to Pom Pom giving the panda a rose. The panda accepts it as Pom Pom takes out a ring with a hopeful look on his face.}

1-UP: {voiceover} Pom Pom and the panda got married!

{Cut to a wedding, with Pom Pom as the groom and the panda (dressed in wedding clothes) as the bride. Cheering and wedding music are heard. Cut to a limousine driving down a road with the sign "JUST MARRIED" on the back. Just then, the image turns greyscale.}

1-UP: {voiceover} Just then, tragedy occured.

{Cut to a tombstone in the graveyard.}

1-UP: {somber; voiceover} The female panda died of a disease...

{Pan out to show Pom Pom gloomily looking at the tombstone in a rather greyscale graveyard. It is raining. Sad, slow piano music starts to play.}

SINGER: {somber} When you're away, it's like a void...

{Cut to Pom Pom's sad eyes. Slowly, they slowly show determination.}

1-UP: {voiceover} Pom Pom did not want to lose his love forever. And so, he was determined to bring her back to life.

{Cut to a laboratory.}

1-UP: {voiceover} And so, being an archaeologist, he worked on using some of the panda's TNA...

PAN PAN: {voiceover} (DNA...)

1-UP: {voiceover} RNA... right... to revive his beloved panda.

{Cut to an older and more exhausted Pom Pom, wearing a lab coat and wearing glasses, standing in front of a petri dish with a table. He is putting liquids in the petri dish while gently stirring. Cut to Pom Pom in front of a giant reactor that's emitting a whirring sound. Cut to Pom Pom in front of a computer screen showing an image of a slightly mutated version of the female panda. Pom Pom shakes his head.}

1-UP: {voiceover} Because reviving the panda was taking so long, Pom Pom decided to mix some of his own GNA with the panda's to make a child...

{Cut to Pom Pom in front of a computer screen showing an image that looks like Pan Pan. Pom Pom shrugs and nods as he presses a green button. A loud, whirring sound is heard as flashes are light are seen from a machine behind the computer screen.}

1-UP: {voiceover} Unfortunately, Pom Pom became so old, that...

{Cut to an old Pom Pom (with a wrinkled body) sitting on a chair in a retirement home. A Nurse Robot flies onscreen and offers Pom Pom a bowl of prunes.}

1-UP: {voiceover} ...he went to the old-folks home and lived happily ever after!

{Cut to a baby Pan Pan wearing diapers.}

1-UP: {voiceover} But he wasn't able to raise the newborn Pan Pan. And because he wasn't 100% panda (since he had some of Pom Pom's PNA), people were afraid of him. Also, Pistols For Pandas wouldn't give him a pistol! So...

{Pan out to reveal baby Pan Pan is inside a capsule that closes. The capsule flies away. Cut to an island where the capsule flies to.}

1-UP: {voiceover} The people sent Pan Pan to the island of Vongovia. There, Pan Pan grew up in a dangerous place with dangerous people and animals. He learned to defend himself, and he later became some famous island boy. Then that fat panda in the karate suit came and decided to bring him back to civilization!

{Cut to 1-Up with Pan Pan's OptiPilot and an annoyed Pan Pan in Pan Pan's room. 1-Up's facing is facing 1-Up and Pan Pan.}

1-UP: And that, my friend 1-Up, brings Pan Pan's life back into the circle! Or whatever! That explains everything, so I hope you have no questions. SEND!

{The holographic screen from the OptiPilot disappears as a "SHOOP" is heard.}

PAN PAN: {frustrated} (What do you mean that explains everything?!? None of that crap makes sense! I was not made in a laboratory! I didn't live on an island for most of my life! My parents were alive when I was a child! I'm not even related to Pom Pom! And how dare you insult my sensei!)

1-UP: {sympathetic} Aww, Pan Pan... there, there. You don't have to feel that way. You're one of the few who had to go through what you...

PAN PAN: {angry} (GET OUT OF MY ROOM!!! STOP IT WITH YOUR NONSENSE!!!)

1-UP: You know, if you want to ease youreslf of the burden of loss and lack of care, you should shar-

PAN PAN: {calmly} (Okay, I see. Time to use reverse psy-)

{A ding is heard off-screen. 1-Up looks to the right.}

1-UP: Oh my! It looks like I got an email on my computer! What an email-y day!

{1-Up runs off-screen to the right. 1-Up is heard running through a wall.}

PAN PAN: {sighs} (I'll have to have that wall repaired, again.) {sees 1-Up's camera} (Nice. His camera's here. Time for sabotage...)

{Pan Pan picks up 1-Up's camera and notices a blue light from the camera.}

PAN PAN: (What?!? He had this camera broadcast everything to a live audience?!? And if it's the blue light, then the audience must be watching it live on the INSTANET!!!)

{Pan Pan quickly throws the camera onto the floor and crushes it.}

PAN PAN: (Some school project... Now, where was I?) {pause} (Oh right, I was sick.)

{Pan Pan goes back onto the bed.}

PAN PAN: (I need to do a loyalty check on my OptiPilot soon.}

OPTIPILOT: {robotic voice; monotone} Please, no.

PAN PAN: (And I need to regulate its personality.)

{The OptiPilot shoots out a holographic screen, which says the following.}

Please don't kill me, master!

Easter Eggs

You will need to look for the 3 Easter Eggs yourself in the Transcript. If you've found all Easter Eggs, you are allowed to click on the [edit] button. If not, it's advised that you attempt to find all Easter Eggs. If you truly can't find them, click on the [edit] button.


Fun Facts

  • This is the first email where the OptiPilot's email message is different from the normally used message.
  • The sickness Pan Pan (as well as Cheatball and Stinkoman) have was shown in Technology. The source of the sickness for Stinkoman is in the previous email. The source of the sickness for Pan Pan was in Keyboard.
  • Pan Pan's "hair" was cut in the last two emails due to events at the end of this email.
  • 1-Up introduces Pom Pom ins his "explanation" in a way similar to how Homestar was introduced in the Original Book.
  • Indiana Jones is referenced.
  • Pistols For Pandas was first mentioned in Marzipan's Answering Machine Version 14.2 and later appeared as a logo in An Important Rap Song.
  • "You're A Girl" is a song from montage.
  • A lyric from Tropical Lazor Beams is sung.
  • Click here to read about DNA, which provides genetic material. Click here to read about RNA, which is involved in the manufacture of proteins. Click here to read about TNA, an analogue of nucleic acids. Click here to read about GNA, an analogue of nucleic acid. Click here to read about PNA, an analogue of nucleic acids often artificially synthesized.
  • Pan Pan's sensei was shown here.
    • In an Easter Egg, Pan Pan mentions the cannon shown in this email.
  • Pan Pan was about to mention reverse psychology.
  • In an Easter Egg, Homestar references his dream job mentioned in from work.
  • Click here to read about karats.
  • 4Wimps was a running gag made by the writer in a Gunhaver email.


Other Character Email Pan Pan

Diet | Pans | Friendship | Amusement Park | Time Travel | Tai Chi | Keyboard | Technology | Pom Pom | Aliens | Movies

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