Other Character Email Pan Pan/Time Travel

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Summary

Pan Pan goes on a vacation to 2007.

Cast (in order of appearance): Pan Pan, Jaro Writer, The Homestar Runner, Rumble Red, Old-Timey Marzipan, 1-Up, 1-Up's Correspondent, Chorch Thugs, Technicians, Spectral Homestar, Spectral Strong Bad|, Spectral Marzipan, Spectral Strong Mad, Spectral Strong Sad, Spectral Bubs, Spectral Coach Z, Spectral King of Town, Spectral The Poopsmith, Spectral Homsar, Spectral The Cheat (Easter Egg), Mitchell (Easter Egg), 20X6 Marzipan (Easter Egg), Stinkoman (Easter Egg), Spectral Pom Pom (Easter Egg)

Page Title: OptiPilot XZ

Words: 2,231

Transcript

{Cut to Pan Pan's room. Pan Pan bounces onscreen with his OptiPilot XZ.}

PAN PAN: {monotone} (I've got an email in my 'Pilot... uh... can you help me out here?)

{A Jaro writer (wearing glasses and "holding" a notepad) bounces onscreen.}

JARO WRITER: Can I just quit and give back the money? You suck.

{The Jaro writer throws ten dollar bills onto the floor in front of Pan Pan.}

PAN PAN: (What? But what about these email raps that everybody's talking about?)

JARO WRITER: Two words: Lack of musical talent.

PAN PAN: (That's four words.)

JARO WRITER: {sputters} CAN'T THINK OF GOOD COMEBACK... MUST EXPLODE AND TRY AGAIN LATER...

{The Jaro explodes.}

PAN PAN: (Three words: Lack of creativity... who makes these Jaros?) {gets out his OptiPilot} (Let's just get this over with...)

OPTIPILOT: {robotic voice} You have 4 emails.

{A holographic screen with the email shoots out of the OptiPilot. Pan Pan reads the email.}

PAN PAN: {sarcastic} (Oh sure! As if everybody has access to changing the past and screwing with reality. Anyone can just go to 192X and change the outcome of World War 0.5!)

{Cut to the Old-Timey Field. The Homestar Runner, with more ragged clothes than usual, is sitting against a wall, playing his washboard.}

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: My mean washboard isn't attracting some mean coins for mean eats! {pause} Aw, shucks! I've been saving this one...

{The Homestar Runner gets out a coin and swallows it reluctantly. Just then, a UFO flies onscreen and shoots Rumble Red, who is wearing lavish clothing, onto the ground.}

RUMBLE RED: Morning, my Earthling friend... rumble.

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: Would you be a kind red alien and donate some food?

RUMBLE RED: My, I see that you don't have propserity on your planeeeeet. Eh, trumble.

THE HOMESTAR RUNNER: {sad} That's because I'm a capitalist fool, red.

{Old-Timey Marzipan, who is completely on fire, runs onscreen.}

OLD-TIMEY MARZIPAN: I want to be a communist too, but because red paint is a scarce ration, I used fire!

{Suddenly, the fire goes out and Old-Timey Marzipan's ashes fall to the ground.}

RUMBLE RED: Let's use the ashes to promote the winning glory of my planeeeeet, shall we... rumble?

{Cut to a bird's-eye view of the ground. Old-Timey Marzipan's ashes have been used to spell out, "RED'S PLANET PROSPERS, EARTH STARVES!". Zoom out to reveal this was a video (from the OptiPilot) watched by Pan Pan. Cut back to Pan Pan with the OptiPilot. What Pan Pan says is translated into text on the holographic screen.}

PAN PAN: (Man... that was disturbing, to say the least... So, 1-Up having a time machine... I'll need to check that out. But Michelle... er... his name was...) {pause} (Michelle, listen carefully. Your interpretation of time travel, in which you can change real present events, is a product of the mind of a crackpot. Here's why I believe it's so: The past is inaccessible. It's there, but... you just can't be in there. Therefore, it's impossible to time travel for real, and I don't wish for "real" time travel to be possible. Mark my words. That's my firmly held belief!)

{The holographic screen with the text clears.}

PAN PAN: (The time travel that we do here is called spectral time travel, in which we go to a time period, but the environment and people (who are called the Specrals) are just... reflections of that time period. Usually, spectral time travel is used for vacations or research, but it's much, much more reasonable than attempting "real" time travel.) {pause} (Confused? Well, you didn't take Time Travel 101 in college, so you should think thrice before sending a time travel email, Shelly... Michelle...)

{Cut to 1-Up in a dark room, illuminated by a computer screen. On the screen is a window of an Internet telephony network program. Mafia-style music beings to play.}

1-UP: Okay, man. Michelle has sent the email to Pan Pan. He is probably walking to my room.

CORRESPONDENT: {from computer} That is good news. Soon, Pan Pan's pride will take a big dent, and he'll be physically and socially helpless by the end of this!

1-UP: Okay. So... about my rewa-

CORRESPONDENT: {from computer} He's coming! Ditch your smart guy act!

{1-Up immediately throws the computer onto the floor, turns on the lights, and begins bouncing on the floor on his head. Pan Pan walks into the room.}

PAN PAN: (1-Up, what are you doing?)

1-UP: I'm bouncing on the floor in my room!

{Pause.}

PAN PAN: (What for?)

1-UP: Absolutely no reason at all! Did I mention I can say "absolutly" correctly now?

PAN PAN: (Right... Anyway, this Sheena, I mean, Shelly tells me you have a time machine. I intend to prove him... her beliefs about time travel wrong.)

1-UP: Well, it's a good thing you asked! I do have a time machine! Check it out!

{1-Up gets out a Sega Game Gear in a blender. Pan Pan lowers his eyes.}

PAN PAN: (1-Up... that's an antique in another anti-)

1-UP: No, really! It works! Look!

{1-Up throws the blender (with the Game Gear) at Pan Pan's head, knocking him unconscious.}

1-UP: Oops. I think I did it too nicely.

CORRESPONDENT: {from computer} You did. Now, I'll order some thugs to come to your house right about... NOW!

{Suddenly, heavyset Chorches with muscular arms float onscreen and drag Pan Pan off-screen.}

{Cut to a dark place. Pan Pan opens his eyes. Pan out to reveal he's standing on a flat, metallic circle surrounded by many machinery and four metallic towers. There are many tehnicians running about, working on the machinery. Bright light flashes from the four metallic towers. They shoot beams of light at the metallic circle Pan Pan is on. The circle begins to glow in bright, green light, forcing Pan Pan to close his eyes.}

PAN PAN: (What is thi- Wait, I know what's happening to m-)

{Pan Pan sinks through the green light. Fade to black.}

{Cut to the Field in Free Country USA, 2007. A green portal appears. Pan Pan falls out of the portal and onto the ground. The portal disappears.}

PAN PAN: (Ugh... where am I?) {pause} (No, the question should be...)

CORRESPONDENT: {off-screen} ...when am I?

{Cut to the owner of the voice, 1-Up's correspondent, who is a businessman wearing a suit and a top hat. He's standing behind a green portal like to the one Pan Pan went through.}

CORRESPONDENT: You are in 2007, Free Country, USA. This is spectral time travel, but more specifically, this is a Vacation Through Time, my business!

PAN PAN: (Vacation?)

CORRESPONDENT: Yes! Organized by your good friend 1-Up, apparently for forgiveness for that one bomb he blew up in your face!

PAN PAN: (Isn't that nice?)

CORRESPONDENT: Yep. Now, enjoy your vacation! You'll be here until you're supposed to go (our decision), so get to know the Spectrals well!

{The correspondent jumps through the portal, making it disappear.}

PAN PAN: (I guess I should. Man, I've heard this was a fun time to live...)

{Cut to Homestar standing by the stick. Pan Pan walks onscreen.}

PAN PAN: {thinking} (This must be a Spectral. I must have a conversation with him.)

{Pan Pan walks to spectral Homestar and taps him on the shoulder.}

PAN PAN: (Hello armless spectral.)

{Spectral Homestar turns to face Pan Pan.}

PAN PAN: (Uh... my name's Pan Pan.)

SPECTRAL HOMESTAR: I wonder how you spell tabasco. TABASCOooo!

PAN PAN: (Excuse me?)

SPECTRAL HOMESTAR: I wonder how you spell tabasco. TABASCOooo!

PAN PAN: {creeped out} (Okay. I'll be honest. You are creeping me out!)

{Spectral Strong Bad walks onscreen.}

SPECTRAL STRONG BAD: Check me out! No, seriously, check me out.

PAN PAN: (Uh... hi. You must be a delegate from what used to be Mexico.)

SPECTRAL STRONG BAD: Check me out! No, seriously, check me out.

PAN PAN: (Oh no, can it be...)

{Spectral Marzipan walks onscreen.}

SPECTRAL STRONG BAD: Check me out! No, seriously, check me out.

SPECTRAL MARZIPAN: {simultaneously} Word booty!

PAN PAN: (You're all... artificially made to say the same things over and over again, even though what you say is competely inappropriate in most situations! THAT'S what makes you spectral!)

SPECTRAL MARZIPAN: Word booty!

{Cut to a montage going through most of the Spectrals Pan Pan meets and what they say. Cut to Spectral Strong Mad beating up Spectral Strong Sad in front of a freaked out Pan Pan.}

SPECTRAL STRONG MAD: I'M THE HUMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SPECTRAL STRONG SAD: Uh, Strong Bad, were you just first basin' it with that piece of loose leaf?!

SPECTRAL STRONG MAD: I'M THE HUMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

{Cut to Bubs' Concession Stand. Pan Pan is buying a Strong Sad voodo doll with pins in it. Spectral Bubs is having a conversation with Coach Z, doing nothing what he's saying.}

SPECTRAL COACH Z: You say tomater, I zader madermorts.

SPECTRAL BUBS: Shinin' up a chicken in the mo'nin', mo'nin'

SPECTRAL COACH Z: You say tomater, I zader madermorts

{Cut to Pan Pan standing with Spectral King of Town and Spectral The Poopsmith. Spectral King of Town is fine and eating a stick of butter, despite what he says.}

SPECTRAL KING OF TOWN: Dwoo hoo! We hoo! Woo! I'm absolutely being assaulted! Woo di dhoo hoo!

{Cut to a tired Pan Pan writing in a notepad on a table in Marshmallow's Last Stand.}

PAN PAN: {writing} (Five days have passed, and I swear, I had to deal with the risk of starving (for that fat Spectral eats almost everything) and with the endless repetitions of the Spectrals' meaningless, repeating phrases. I mean, the mute (but extremely stinky) Spectral and the disappointing Spectral who looks like me apparently fine, but most of the rest are just... scary... To pass the days while waiting for that man to allow me to go back to my time, I've been researching the language of that one midget Spectral and the one who looks like Cheatball...)

{Cut to Pan Pan (with a notepad) standing with Spectral Homsar in Strongbadia.}

PAN PAN: (Okay, say something for me.)

HOMSAR: AAAaaaAAh'm the human wedgie!

PAN PAN: (Okay. He might mean that he's in some sort of a predicament, based on the elongation of "I'm". On the other hand, based on the rising tone when he says "human", what he said might mean that he's calling himself a human prank...)

{Spectral The Cheat walks onscreen.}

SPECTRAL THE CHEAT: {Cheat noises}

PAN PAN: (No. For the 79th time, I don't want a glass of melonade, even though my name's not "Homestar". Who is this Homestar?)

{Cut back to Pan Pan in Marshmallow's Last Stand.}

PAN PAN: {writing} (In conclusion, I can't wait to go back to 20X6. Spectral time travel is just a stupid waste of dimensional space. It doesn't reflect the real past at all. Maybe "real" time travel should come true.)

CORRESPONDENT: {off-screen} A-HA!

{1-Up's correspondent runs onscreen with a voice recorder, which he turns off.}

CORRESPONDENT: I've caught you contradicting your firmly held beli-

PAN PAN: (Shut up. I want to go back home. What do you want me to do?)

{1-Up's correspondent gets out a piece of paper.}

CORRESPONDENT: I just want you to sign at the underline.

{Pan Pan takes the paper and reads it.}

PAN PAN: {reading} (I, blank, am officially a hypocrite.) {stops reading} (You know, this print looks a bit...)

CORRESPONDENT: Are you going to sign or not?

PAN PAN: (Well... my pride...)

{Pan right to Spectral Homestar and Spectral Marzipan at a table. Spectral Homestar is kicking Spectral Marzipan in the shins.}

SPECTRAL HOMESTAR: I wonder how you spell tabasco. TABASCOooo!

SPECTRAL MARZIPAN: Word booty!

{Cut back to Pan Pan and 1-Up's correspondent. Pan Pan swipes a pen from 1-Up's correspondent and writes his name on the underline on the paper.}

CORRESPONDENT: Oooooooooooooookay! Now it's time for me to go back to the time portal and leave you behind for good!

PAN PAN: (Please. You're so predictable. You've also underestimated my skills.)

{Pan Pan suddenly springs from his chair and into the air at a fast speed. Cut to a time portal, which is next to Spectral Homestar's and Spectral Marzipan's table. 1-Up's correspondent jumps to the time portal, trying to go through it. Suddenly, Pan Pan lands and falls on 1-Up's correspondent, crushing him.}

PAN PAN: (Thanks, man.)

{Pan Pan jumps through the time portal, which disappears. 1-Up's correspondent feebly looks up before his head falls to the floor again. Fade to black.}

{Cut to Pan Pan's room. The sound effect "panpanpanpanpanpan" is heard. Soon, Pan Pan walks onscreen with the OptiPilot, which has an empty holographic screen meant to display text translated from Pan Pan's dialogue.}

PAN PAN: Well Shana, this was all your fault! If I didn't have this doubt on what your name really is, I'd sue you! I'll just finish things up with this: Time travel is stupid. It isn't worth anything! Well, maybe I could've done this one little experiment...

{The OptiPilot shoots out a holographic screen, which says the following.}

Click here to email Pan Pan at flyingpanda529@cocomail.com

Easter Eggs

You will need to look for the Easter Eggs yourself in the Transcript. If you've found all three Easter Eggs, you are allowed to click on the [edit] button. If not, it's advised that you attempt to find the Easter Eggs. If you truly can't find all three, click on the [edit] button.


Fun Facts


Other Character Email Pan Pan

Diet | Pans | Friendship | Amusement Park | Time Travel | Tai Chi | Keyboard | Technology | Pom Pom | Aliens | Movies

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