Other Character Email Pan Pan/Keyboard

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Contents

Summary

Pan Pan shows us how he can type without boxing gloves on, complicating simple matters.

Cast (in order of appearance): Pan Pan, 1-Up, Robot Guards, Harvax XVII, Prudench Ninjas

Page Title: OptiPilot XZ/Tangerine?

Words: 2,371

Transcript

{Cut to outside the front doors of Stinkoman HQ. A yellow hovercraft (labeled "TAXI") flies and stops in front of the front doors. When it flies away, Pan Pan (who is carrying his bag and wearing a ski cap) walks to the front doors and enters the building.}

{Cut to Pan Pan's room. Pan Pan walks onscreen and puts his bag on the floor. 1-Up runs osncreen.}

1-UP: {whining} Aw, come on! Take off that cap! I just know you did something to your hair! I know!

PAN PAN: {calmly} (You actually do?)

{1-Up stops.}

1-UP: Hmm... now that you say that, I'm confused...

{1-Up walks off-screen. Pan Pan picks up the OptiPilot on his bedstand.}

PAN PAN: (I haven't checked an email in a while. It was rather lonely at that temple. I've also thought of something to start an email...) {clears throat} (A, B, C, D, E in the mail... um... wait... I guess that spells e-mail.)

{Dull applause and sarcastic cheering are heard from the OptiPilot.}

PAN PAN: (Oh, just pipe down and give me an email!)

OPTIPILOT: {robotic voice} You have 4 emails.

{The OptiPilot shoots out a holographic screen with the following email. Pan Pan reads it.}

{Pan Pan reads "l33t" as "L thirty-three T" and reads "_" as "underscore".}

PAN PAN: (Hmm... this email looks like something I read in the InstaNet once...)

{The OptiPilot automatically shoots out a holographic screen showing Strong Bad in front of the Tandy 400. The email on the Tandy screen has "How do you type with boxing gloves on?" The OptiPilot speaks with very small gaps between the sentences.}

OPTIPILOT: {robotic voice} On the first of April, 2002, Strong Bad, who was famous for answering emails to a live audience nearly every week for a number of years, received the first of an onslaught of emails asking him how he typed with boxing gloves on from Mike of Bend, Oregon. Instead of answering Mike's question, he deleted the email, as he was not only in the middle of "spring cleaning", but it was a question he liked to avoid answering. {robotic gasps for breath} Indeed, Strong Bad continued to avoid answering the question. Finally, he revealed how he typed with boxing gloves on, along with what he looked like without his mask on (with the face facing the camera), and introduced his audience to his parents in the email...

PAN PAN: (That's enough information, no-thank-you-very-much.)

OPTIPILOT: {robotic voice} ...high-pitched voice made...

PAN PAN: (I said that's enough!)

{The OptiPilot stops. What Pan Pan says next is translated onto a holographic screen in English text.}

PAN PAN: (Well, that may seem like an easy question to answer, but I don't type on a keyboard to make this text appear. It's a combination of a translator and a machine activated by my mind. You must also have lived under a rock, for keyboards aren't used anymore. Like me, people use mind-powered computers. There may have been sightings of keyboards used for large supercomputers, but since there's no solid proof of their existance, I say those keyboards are myths. I guess I can still show you how I type without boxing gloves on, for 1-Up's computer supposedly has a keyboard, although I haven't looked at it carefully yet.)

{Cut to 1-Up's room. Pan Pan walks to 1-Up's keyboard in front of his computer on a desk. Many of the keys are rearranged, missing, or drawn on. One row of keys reads "PUDING". It also looks filthy.}

PAN PAN: (I don't really trust this keyboard... but...)

{Pan Pan shrugs and moves his hands to the keyboard. Cut to a view of Pan Pan's back to the camera. Pan Pan lets out a yelp and jumps away from the desk.}

PAN PAN: (Oh crap! There are dead rats in there! And I see other disgusting stuff in there! This is an emergency!)

{Pan Pan runs off-screen. He comes back, wearing a Hazmat suit and holding tongs covered with rubber. He uses the tongs to pick up the keyboard. Cut to a room with a small, floating incinerator. Pan Pan throws the keyboard into the incinerator, creating a flash as the keyboard is burnt. Pan Pan throws the tongs into the incinerator, creating a flash as the tongs is burnt. Pan Pan then wipes his gloved hands.}

PAN PAN: (That was a very dangerous operation. What does 1-Up do to his keyboard? In fact, why does he even need a keyboard? He doesn't have any arms!)

{Cut back to Pan Pan in his room with the OptiPilot. Pan Pan has taken his Hazmat suit off.}

PAN PAN: (Sorry that I wasn't able to show you how I type without boxing gloves on. However, despite what I said, there is a keyboard that still exists and can be typed on. It's in this museum...)

{Cut to a museum, where various computer-like objects are seen. The camera zooms in on a Tangerine Dreams in a protected museum display case.}

PAN PAN: {voiceover} (There is what people of the 21st century would consider to be a normal computer in the Ancient Machines Museum. I think that's the best computer with a keyboard that I can use to show how I type without boxing gloves on, as computers evolved after the 21st century (not that you need to know the exact details).)

{Robot guards roll by the display with the Tangerine Dreams.}

PAN PAN: {voiceover} (Unfortunately, the museum's displays are closely monitored by robot guards, that they won't allow you to come within a foot close to them. Fortunately, the museum needs to have renovations in the robot guards, as they can be easily shut down by an electromagnetic pulse. In fact, this goes for the rest of the museum's pathetic security devices.)

{Cut to Pan Pan with his OptiPilot in his room.}

PAN PAN: (And so, I know what I have to do. I know people who can set up an EMP for me. The robot guards will be deactivated. Then I sneak into the museum, sneak past the working security features, and type on that keyboard. Without boxing gloves on, of course.)

{Cut to the interior of the Ancient Machines Museum. Robot guards are rolling around, guarding the various displays in the museum, including the Tangerine Dreams shown before. Suddenly, a rumbling sound is heard before the robot guards suddenly deactivate and fall onto the floor. Circular waves of dust are seen being sent into the air. There is a pause as everything goes silent. Pan up to the windowed ceiling, where Pan Pan (wearing a ski cap that robbers wear) is seen using a laser on a panel of glass to make it disappear. Pan Pan goes through the hole he just made and lands on the floor, creating a crashing sound.}

PAN PAN: (As I said, this museum has pathetic security devices. I ought to write to this museum complaining about its security after I secretly type on the Tangerine Dreams keyboard. Kind of ironic, but who cares?)

{The camera zooms in on Pan Pan as he walks to the Tangerine Dreams display. He removes the glass case surrounding the Tangerine Dreams and pulls the keyboard (which isn't attached to the monitor) towards him. He raises his hands above the keyboard, ready to type. Suddenly, the sound of a wall far away being broken apart is heard. Pan Pan looks to the right. He gets a look of shock and ducks as a sky blue laser flies into the keyboard, making it glow for a second. Pan Pan gets up and slowly looks at the keyboard. Suddenly, the keyboard jerks before it flies to the right.}

{Pan to the right to reveal a gigantic hand holding a magnet that has been used to attract the keyboard. The hand flies out of a large hole in the wall of the museum. Cut to outside the museum, where the hand flies and attaches to the right arm of a very giant purple robot. Pan out to show Harvax XVII holding the keyboard.}

HARVAX: {laughs} Yes! I've succeeded in getting my hands... er... hand on one of the last keyboards in existence by making it magnetic and using a magnet!

{Pan Pan walks onscreen.}

PAN PAN: (All right Harvax, you've had your fun, but...)

HARVAX: Ah! If it isn't that fat, kidnapped panda I got to know in my Master's castle before everything ended!

PAN PAN: (Don't remind me of that event. Anyway, reunions aside, I want you to fork over that keyboard now!)

HARVAX: Why should I? Do you know how much I've planned to get my hand on this valuable possession?

PAN PAN: (You only came in and took the keyboard after I disabled the entire museum's security. Now, before I lash out at you, fork over the keyboard now!)

HARVAX: Ha! Like you think you have the authority to order me around! Why, I have minions that will come to my command and stop you whenever I want, such as now! PRUDENCHS!!!

{Suddenly, armless ninjas with Prudench for heads fall from the sky and land on the ground in front of Pan Pan, going into a fighting stance.}

PRUDENCH NINJAS: {in unison} We will kick your butt!

{Pan Pan gets into his own fighting stance.}

PAN PAN: (Screw Tai Chi! Get ready for your butts to be kicked! If you have butts, that is.)

{The scene becomes widescreen as Pan Pan begins fighting the Prudench ninjas. He fights them by punching them, kicking them, jumping on them, tackling them, throwing them, and making them punch each other. Once, Pan Pan jumps into the air and prepares to kick a Prudench ninja in midair. Just then, the scene freezes and Pan Pan faces the camera.}

PAN PAN: {voiceover} (It's at times like this when I should question the efficiency of the city's police force. Surely they should notice this racket outside the museum.)

{The scene continues as Pan Pan kicks the ninja in the face. When he lands, Pan Pan is surrounded by a large number of ninjas. Pan Pan looks at them with a slight trace of annoyance.}

PAN PAN: {annoyed} (There are too many!)

{One of the ninjas rushes at Pan Pan, drawing a knife.}

PAN PAN: (Well, I'm going to regret doing this (not to mention this goes against my ethics), but this is the fastest way to get rid of these ninjas.)

{Pan Pan grabs the ninja by its Prudench head and, closing its eyes, eats the Prudench head. Muffled screams are heard as Pan Pan, with his eyes still closed, chews on the Prudench head before swallowing it. Then Pan Pan pushes the headless ninja onto the ground. The rest of the ninjas look at Pan Pan with shock.}

PRUDENCH NINJA #1: {screaming} OMG! He actually ate a Prudench head!

PRUDENCH NINJA #2: {screaming} Holy crap! He's crazy!

PRUDENCH NINJA #3: {screaming} Doesn't he know the difference between body parts and food?

PRUDENCH NINJA #1: He's obviously a zombie! Run away before he eats our heads!

{The Prudench ninjas run away. Harvax is still in front of the museum.}

HARVAX: Very impressive... and savage... But it's not as if I'm handing over the keyboard anyway.

PAN PAN: (Just what do you need that keyboard for anyways?)

HARVAX: Well, with this keyboard, I can know how to type...

{Close up on Harvax.}

HARVAX: ...WITH BOXING GLOVES ON!!!

{Cut to Pan Pan.}

PAN PAN: (And how the crap are you planning to do that? Even if you can put boxing gloves on (and who knows if there are boxing gloves big enough to fit on your hands), your attempt to type will probably crush the keyboard.)

HARVAX: Yeah, well, I can always have my ninjas type with bo-

PAN PAN: (They don't even have arms! Have you ever wondered why your Master wouldn't allow you and your army to invade and occupy some place in the world, like his other minions? You and your incapability to make decent plans!)

HARVAX: Yeah? Well... I can always sell this artifact on some InstaNet auction! It's been done before, but at least I can get some dough! Plus, I can fly!

{Harvax lifts off from the ground. Harvax gets out his tommy gun and aims it at Pan Pan, still managing to hold the stolen keyboard. Cut to Pan Pan, who gets out his OptiPilot and begins pressing some buttons.}

PAN PAN: (Well, then I guess I should just do Plan C for some random letter... Gamma, activate Kamikaze!)

{Zoom out. Harvax begins to shoot at Pan Pan with his tommy gun. Suddenly, Cheatball ship quickly flies onto the screen and right into Harvax's face, causing a great explosion that destroys most the robot. Harvax's legs and arms fall onto the ground, smoking. Pan Pan goes to the hand that's holding the stolen keyboard.}

PAN PAN: (It's a very good thing I've been saving this plan for Cheatball's birthday. Well, now I can return the keyboard to the museum after typing on...)

{Suddenly, police sirens are heard.}

PAN PAN: (Oh great. Now they come. I guess I'll just pry the keyboard out of Harvax's hand and bring it home before the cops come.)

{Cut to Pan Pan's room. Pan Pan brings the undamaged keyboard to a desk. He also places his OptiPilot on the desk. Pan Pan begins typing on the keyboard.}

PAN PAN: (So here you go. This is how I type without boxing gloves on. Like a normal human being, even though I have 3 claws on each of my hands. Sure, typing's a bit slower, but that's okay. I kind of like the sound the keyboard makes when I type.)

{Pan Pan looks at the OptiPilot, which has shot out a screen with the words Pan Pan just said.}

PAN PAN: (I never told you to translate what I said! Nevertheless, if I feel like typing while answering an email... that's cool, if not unnecessary.)

{The OptiPilot shoots out a holographic screen, which says the following.}

Click here to email Pan Pan at flyingpanda529@cocomail.com

Easter Egg

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Fun Facts

  • This email continues from Tai Chi.
  • The email sent to Pan Pan is based on the email sent to Imitation Strong Bad in l33tness.
  • The email references this running gag, started in spring cleaning (mentioned by the OptiPilot).
  • The OptiPilot mentions three of the five different groups of emails that will most likelynever be answered by the Brother Chaps seriously.
  • The OptiPilot briefly references Super Sam.
  • Click on the Wikipedia link in the transcript to read about Hazmat suits.
  • Pan Pan references 1-Up's (and later, the ninjas') lack of visible arms.
  • Tangerine Dreams was once The Cheat's computer.
  • Click here to read about electromagnetic pulses.
  • Pan Pan and Harvax reference the events in Stinkoman 20X6.
  • Click here to read about kamikaze.


Other Character Email Pan Pan

Diet | Pans | Friendship | Amusement Park | Time Travel | Tai Chi | Keyboard | Technology | Pom Pom | Aliens | Movies

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