Fake Character Email Dan/doppelganger

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Dan talks to himself.

Cast (In order of appearance): Dan, Danny, Tristan, Carlos, Strong Bad, Baxter, The Cheat, Homestar Runner (Easter Egg)

Places: Dan's Computer Room, The Stick

Date: June 9, 2007

Lines: 98

Transcript

DAN: {stilted} It is now time to check my email.

{Dan reads the email in an incredulous voice, putting emphasis on the words Strong Bad, Homestar, The Cheat, and Jakeula}

DAN: {typing} "Strong Bad"? Who are you, that weird kid who lived across the street from me when I was little? I haven't used that name since, like, the Brontosaurus was king.

{Cut to the basement, when the Brothers Strong were kids. Tristan is sitting on the coach, reading Edgar Allen Poe. Danny comes in from the left, wearing Strong Bad's mask and boxing gloves, as well as no shirt.}

DANNY: {In a bad Mexican accent, otherwise sounds like Lil' Strong Bad} It is I, a-Strong a-Bad!

TRISTAN: {Looking up} Ugh! Put your shirt back on!

{Danny looks annoyed}

DANNY: {Normal voice} More like, you put your shirt back on, nerd!

{Tristan glances down at the yellow and black striped shirt he's wearing just as a loud crash is heard. Carlos comes in from the left, wearing a dinosaur tail. He jumps, making the crashing noise again}

CARLOS: I'M AN APATOSAURUS!

{Danny and Tristan stare at him. Cut back to the present.}

DAN: {typing} And what is this "Homestar"? {Another reflection appears on the Lappy's screen, but it's hard to tell what it is} The native star system of your alien brethren? Quit making up stupid names already! Oh, Strong Bad isn't a stupid name. It's a cool name.

STRONG BAD: {Offscreen} Yeah, I agree.

{Cut to a wide shot. Strong Bad is standing to Dan's right and looking at the computer screen}

DAN: Whoa!

STRONG BAD: My name is awesome.

{Dan stares at Strong Bad for a second}

DAN: {Clears throat} So, uh... What are you, a figment of my imagination?

STRONG BAD: Uh, no. You're one of my doppelgangers. You know, from an alternate universe.

DAN: Oh. That's pretty cool.

{They stare at each other for a little longer}

STRONG BAD: So... anyways, I need to find my The Cheat. He's about so high, {indicates The Cheat's height with his hand} looks like a furry yellow anvil, I don't know...

DAN: Oh, you mean that thing that's been hanging around The Cheat? Yeah, I've seen it. {pause} The Cheat should be bringing it over right about... now.

{Strong Bad and Dan look over at the door, but nobody comes through it}

DAN: Oh. Uh... I guess he's late again.

{Short pause}

STRONG BAD: Um... So this is an email you're checking.

DAN: Yeah.

STRONG BAD: Well... You're doing it wrong.

DAN: What?!

STRONG BAD: Move over, let me show you.

DAN: Uh... Okay fine. Just don't hurt the Lappy.

{He brings up another email and stands up. Strong Bad sits in the computer chair}

STRONG BAD: {singing} Show me an email, and I'll show you a pot. Filled with stew.

subject:w00t

Yo Dan, wazzup?
Ever been to a raid party?
Into The Prodigy,

Apocalyp- er, Jordan (yeah, that's my name)

{Strong Bad reads "Dan" as "Dan... Bad", and "Jordan" as "Cat"}

STRONG BAD: {typing} Oh man, Apocalypse! I've been to so many raid parties, I... {types "of ma spoc olyspeaqA i' VE BEDN TODS I MAN 5Y DRAD PSARRTY I", stops typing} Wait, what?! What's wrong with this keyboard?

DAN: Maybe you should take off those boxing gloves you're wearing.

STRONG BAD: {sarcastic} Oh! And maybe you should cut your hands off at the wrist and try to type with your bloody stumps!

DAN: Hey, shut up!

STRONG BAD: {muttering} Give a guy some fingers and he acts like king of the freaking world.

DAN: {muttering, simultaneously} Give a guy some advice and he acts like you killed his freaking... yellow dog.

STRONG BAD: {answering the email, but not typing} So anyways, I love raid parties. They're so... raid-y. And party...y. They're like—

DAN: {flatly} You have no idea what a raid party is, do you?

STRONG BAD: {splutters} Do you?

DAN: Uh, well, uh, I—

STRONG BAD: {answering the email} So... no. I lied. I have never attended, nor do I ever plan to, any type of raid party, raid function, raid soiree, or raid get-together. Go away.

{Dan claps sarcastically}

DAN: Oh, good job. Like a little tiny baby couldn't've checked a better email than that.

{Strong Bad punches Dan in the face}

STRONG BAD: Shut up!

{Startled, Dan punches Strong Bad, knocking him out of his chair, then tackles him. They fight on the floor for a little while, and Baxter and The Cheat come in.}

BAXTER: Whoa!

THE CHEAT: {Simultaneously} {Surprised The Cheat noises}

{The Cheat produces a camera and takes a picture. Dan and Strong Bad don't notice}

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}

BAXTER: No way. Dan would wipe the floor with that guy!

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}

BAXTER: Five bucks.

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}

{While they argue, Dan manages to get hold of Strong Bad's mask. He twists it around so that Strong Bad can't see, but lets go in surprise when Strong Bad screams in pain. Strong Bad twists his mask back in the right direction}

DAN: Wah! {splutters}

STRONG BAD: {Is about to say something, but changes his mind when he sees The Cheat} Oh, The Cheat! Finally!

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}

{The Cheat walks over to stand beside Strong Bad. Strong Bad pulls his alternate universe portal from offscreen and activates it.}

STRONG BAD: Come on, The Cheat. Let's get out of this universe already.

BAXTER: Wait!

{They look at Baxter}

STRONG BAD: What?

BAXTER: Who won? I had twenty bucks riding on that fight!

STRONG BAD AND DAN: I did!

{They look at each other for an uncomfortable few seconds}

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}

STRONG BAD: Yeah, I guess Strong Sad will be expecting his next beating. Let's go.

{They go through the alternate universe portal, and it closes behind them}

BAXTER: {sighs} I'm gonna miss him.

DAN: I'm not. That guy has a huge ego problem.

{Baxter stares at him}

DAN: What? {Sits back at the computer, clears screen and starts typing} Well, whatever your name was, I guess that's how Strong Bad and The Cheat are doing. I still don't know who this "Homestar" is. But... He's probably an complete idiot, so who cares?

{Dan picks up The Paper and holds it front of the screen. It reads "Click here to email Dan". After a few seconds, Dan fidgets, accidentally ripping The Paper slightly.}

DAN: Oops.

Easter Eggs

  • Click on the word Homestar to see how Homestar is doing.
{Homestar is doing a dance by The Stick}
HOMESTAR RUNNER: {Singing} Everybody was kung fu fighting, nananana nana nanana, those kids were fast as lightning, nanana nanana nanana nanana...

Fun Facts

  • The Apatosaurus, often incorrectly called the Brontosaurus, was a dinosaur that lived during the Jurassic period.
  • I produced the part of text where Strong Bad tries to type with boxing gloves on by typing with boxing gloves.
  • Strong Bad reads "Jordan" as "Cat" because Cat was the person who sent in the email from garage sale, who also added, "Yeah, that's my name" in brackets after their name.
  • The song Homestar is is singing is Kung Fu Fighting, by Carl Douglas.

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