Other Character Email Videlectrix/vidiletrix

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Contents

Overview

Videlectrix Email #3

Sliptorf, manufactured by Noid Void Labs, begins to electrocute its drinkers. On a completely unrelated note, "Vidiletrix" adds a new powerup called Sliptorf to their new game!

Cast (in order of appearance): Graphic Designers, RunningMan, Art Man, Programmer, CEO, The Noid, Noid Void Scientists, Bill Gates, Microsoft Assassin Squad, Playtester, Tampo, Brody, Stlunko, Master Sticklyman, Videlectrix Dude Puppet, The Noid Puppet

Places: Videlectrix Apartment, Noid Void Labs

Computer: 286 CGA Enabled PC

Date: December 4, 2005

Lines: 154

Transcript

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: I'm too tired to do the, uh, email intro. I stayed up too late making Corn Stalker XI.

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: I am, too.

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: Do it! {Glares at the other designer}

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: {Squeaks} I-I-I'll think of something...

{He types something into the computer.}

{A heavily pixelated RunningMan enters the screen and does a strange, Irish-looking dance. A symphony of out-of-tune pixelated bleeps plays, vaguely resembling the Videlectrix theme. Then, a logo appears on the screen.}

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: Unimpressing.

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: Aww...

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: {Reads "Vidiletrix" as spelled} What? Vidiletrix? Are we really called that?

ART MAN: I thought it was Coodelctrix!

PROGRAMMER: No, I'm pretty sure it's McDonalds.

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: Well, we'd better fix this mistake. Leader-man, order a new Vidiletrix sign. We misspelled it for all these years...

CEO: That'll cut into our profits. We'll have to skip Corn Stalker XI and go onto Corn Stalker XII.

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: I don't care, we can't have our consumers calling us the wrong thing!

{The CEO leaves the apartment.}

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: So... Sliptorf, eh, Void? Why haven't I ever heard of your "Sliptorf"?

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: He, uh... Said it was new, sir.

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: I watch TV all the time! I'd see an ad for it if it existed.

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: You don't watch TV. We don't even own a TV!

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: Well, we do have our own CEO's invention... Scaled Shrunken Pixelvision!

{Four extremely large blocks cover the screen in a grid. They change colors occasionally.}

CEO: Wow... So amazing! Free TV! I don't remember how I did it!

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: Scaling it wasn't a good idea. Now, everything is fit to four pixels.

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: Hey, but it's still watching TV!

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: Whatever. Let's answer that poor piZza man's email. Sliptorf is supposedly the world's most powerful energy drink, supposedly sending 1000 watts of electricity through your body, rejuvinating you for about 4 days, depriving you of much-needed sleep.

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: How'd you know all that?

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: I registered at InstaNet, and now I have access to a huge encyclopedia.

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: Someday, you're going to have to show me that little toy. Anyway, in Corn Stalker XII, our latest Corn Stalker game, we ran out of powerups. Mushrooms have been patented, and celery gives you bird flu... Somehow. Eggplants exhibit a shade of purple unavailable in our palette, carrots are boring... And we can't risk having Corn Stalker be a cannibal, can he? Let's make Sliptorf a powerup.

PROGRAMMER: Wouldn't that clash with the vegetable theme?

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: Think of the bird flu... THINK OF THE BIRD FLU!

PROGRAMMER: Yeah, fine...

{Cut to Noid Void Labs. The Noid is walking past several lab scientists, experimenting in beakers of pink liquids.}

THE NOID: Hm... Our latest drink hasn't been too successful. We've only been able to sell them in convenience stores, truck stops, and a really small chain of restaurants... I think they were called "Starbucks", or something. Yeah. I've never heard of one.

NOID VOID SCIENTIST: Heh... Neither have I! Heh... Starbucks...

THE NOID: Our only flavor has been peanut-flavored, which was only sold to one person, who upon opening it, convulsed and suddenly died. They said he was allergic to them. So... We need a new flavor. Any ideas?

NOID VOID SCIENTIST #1: Tropical-razzle-frazzle-berry!

NOID VOID SCIENTIST #2: Starfruit?

NOID VOID SCIENTIST #3: Mango fandango.

NOID VOID SCIENTIST #4: {Raspy voice} Moooist aaarmpit?

THE NOID: No, you idiots, PIZZA! Nobody's allergic to pizza! We'll add cheese and tomatoes, and electrify the whole thing at 2000 volts! We need to start creating a whole generation of nocturnal young chaps!

{The scientists look around at eachother reluctantly.}

THE NOID: Do something!

{They reluctantly add cheese and tomato flavorings and throw a switch. Everything goes black...}

THE NOID: Good. Now, start the assembly line of slaves! Heh heh heh... ha ha ha ha ha... BWAH HA HA HA HA HA!!!

{Cut back to the, uh, Vidiletrix apartment. The second graphic designer is looking at a "scaled-down" wikipedia article with a really, really big black thing.}

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: We seriously need a new web browser... I don't like this scaled-down thing. I can't stand using a macroscope.

CEO: What did you say about my graphical engine!??

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: N-n-n-n-nothing, sir! I'm sorry!

CEO: Goooooood.

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: According to this article, a new Sliptorf flavor, Pizza Lightning, will be released tomorrow.

ART MAN: {Talking extremely quickly} A new flavor? Does that mean... A new update? If we're putting Sliptorf in our game, we need to have the most up-to-date version of it!

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: At college, I learned how to hack when I changed my grades. I could hack into the Noid Void website and get us the exact coding to create an exact replica for our powerup.

{A very small security camera is taping the second graphic designer. The camera pans along its wiring, through the wall, under the road, and to the Microsoft building across the street. Five black-dressed assassins are standing in front of Bill Gates.}

BILL GATES: According to our cameras, Vidiletrix is becoming more powerful as we speak. They are becoming more up-to-date, using weak hacking skills to steal code from companies. We must stop them before they beat our shiny, shiny X-Box 360!

MICROSOFT ASSASSIN #1: Which one should we destroy?

BILL GATES: Destroy the one with the glasses.

{Cut back to the Vidiletrix apartment. The first graphic designer is asleep at his computer, and the second is typing really, really quickly. He suddenly stops.}

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: I did it! I'll download the code now.

{A white line whizzes by his face. He is stunned.}

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: What was that?

CEO: Didn't see it.

PROGRAMMER: I missed that, what?

ART MAN: Who are you, again?

{Two white lines whiz by.}

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: There it is, again!

CEO: What, now?

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: {Yawns and wakes up} Man, it's drafty in here. I'll go close the window.

{Too many white lines to count whiz by all of the staff. None of them hit. Cut to the assassin squad, in a room in the Microsoft building across from the Vidiletrix apartment.}

MICROSOFT ASSASSIN #3: No! They're closing the window!

MICROSOFT ASSASSIN #4: Wow. I told you guys to use bullets instead of popcorn kernels. . But, "Guy #4 is #4. He can't be smart! Only #1 can be good!"

MICROSOFT ASSASSIN #1: Shut up, Dave.

{Cut back to the apartment. Vidiletrix is on the final stages of Corn Stalker XII.}

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: I'm almost done with the Mouse Man final boss. We'll need a play tester sometime.

CEO: I can get one.

{The CEO picks up a phone and dials a random number.}

CEO: Hello, would you like to become a playtester for Vidiletrix? ...Yes, it lets you play games. ...Yes, video games. ...Yes, video computer games on TV. ...Yes, this phone is plugged in. ...Yes, there is an over-21 policy. ...Yes, we accept fake IDs. ...Yes, we care if they are accurate. ...Yes, we accept diseased letters. ...Come right in.

{A really, really short kid walks into the apartment.}

PLAYTESTER: Hey, dudes, I'm ready for the playtesting job. Here's my fake ID.

Goopy McMcManticore
Age 67
Gender: Unknown
Car Keys: Unknown

CEO: Good. Nice and authentic. Hey, boys! Is the game ready yet?

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: Yeah!
PROGRAMMER: Alive and snapping! {simaltaneously}

CEO: Good. You go test it.

{The screen goes black. The playtester is in front of a computer, with Corn Stalker XII playing. The Playtester plays pathetically. He moves a little to the right. A rat-like enemy attacks him. He dies immidiately.}

PLAYTESTER: This game is WAAAY TOO HARD! {Runs out of the building crying}

ART MAN: He couldn't even grab the up-to-date Pizza Lightning Sliptorf!

CEO: Seems that we made it too hard. Let's make this a lot easier.

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: Let's put a huge square of Sliptorf powerups around the starting point, so he will HAVE to get a powerup to advance!

PROGRAMMER: Good idea!

CEO: You deserve a promotion!

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: Can I have one?

CEO: Too lazy to.

{Cut to a swirling mass of pink, blue, and purple. A disembodied voice reads...}

DISEMBODIED VOICE: BUT THAT WAS A SEVERE MISTAKE. COPYING THE EXACT CODE FROM THE SLIPTORF ALSO COPIED THE INCREDIBLE PAIN AND SIDE-EFFECTS OF THE 2000 VOLTS OF PURE ELECTRICITY. NOT TO MENTION THAT PIZZA-FLAVORED DRINKS TASTE HORRIBLE, EEEW.

{Cut to 20X6, where Tampo, Brody, and Stlunko are showing Master Sticklyman around.}

MASTER STICKLYMAN: You said you had a gift for me, my minions?

BRODY: Oh, yes! We bring you a sacred relic from the past, O powerful master.

MASTER STICKLYMAN: Hm... I am impressed! Plus 4 MeritPoints.

STLUNKO: According to my records, humans in the year 2005 were very impressed with energy drinks. They began to worship them approximately 80 years later. We brought you the most-worshipped idol, a bottle of Lightning Pizza Sliptorf.

MASTER STICKLYMAN: Most-worshipped, eh? Let's see if this is any good...

{Master Sticklyman opens the dusty bottle and takes a sip. Electric charges flow through every one of his limbs. He begins to exhibit horrible convulsions and seizures, and eventually collapses, smoking, on the ground.}

MASTER STICKLYMAN: {Very faint voice} Minus... 100 MeritPoints... You are the... First minions... To recieve... Negative MeritPoints... Uggh...

{Cut to the Vidiletrix apartment.}

PROGRAMMER: Uhh... Upon playing this test copy, I discovered that these Sliptorf powerups immidiately shock CornMan.

CEO: Why can't you just edit the Sliptorf?

PROGRAMMER: It's a read-only test copy.

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: NO! I HATE READING!!

{Suddenly, all of the sound disappears and large lines are visible on the screen. Everything goes extremely quickly. The tech crew and director talk in the background.}

DIRECTOR: Whoops, my finger slipped. Someone press the pause button!

TECH CREW: There is no pause button!

DIRECTOR: Well, there's only one solution... Finish this email with sockpuppets!

{A very fake-looking castle set is in the background, with crayon-colors. Two sockpuppets are in front of it.}

VIDELECTRIX DUDE PUPPET: Hello, Pizza Man! I recently heard that the world is not candy-coated, and that you have been producing an electric drink.

THE NOID PUPPET: I am very sorry, entire company of Videlectrix. I agree not to produce it any further.

VIDELECTRIX DUDE PUPPET: Thank you, red man! Now, let's do a dance.

{Both puppets bob up and down for a few seconds. A real person's head pops up behind the set.}

TECH CREW MAN: Was that good-

{RunningMan runs across the screen, carrying a banner that reads "Click Here To Email Videlectrix".}

Easter Eggs

  • Click in the center of the screen to see some more Microsoft action.

BILL GATES: Did all of you morons remember to coat each and every X-Box 360 with a chrome polish? We need them to be as shiny as possible to beat the PlayStation 3!

MICROSOFT SOLDIER SQUAD: Yes, milord!

  • Click on RunningMan when he freezes on the left side of the screen to play Corn Stalker XII.

Fun Facts

  • A bird flu epidemic was occuring while this email was released.
  • Starbucks is an extremely large chain of cafés.
  • "Mango fandango" is a reference to Grim Fandango, a game by Tim Schafer.
  • The whole inspection scene is an obvious reference to OCE Tampo.

Author's Comments

  • Rating: 6.0
  • This was a bit stretched, but I liked the puppet scene. The Tampo scene was a bit out of character, too. DON'T BLAME ME! BLAME... Oh, there is nobody else to blame. I was going to put a little Saargtsson bit in there, but it wouldn't fit, and I couldn't adjust it without getting rid of the rest. Ah well.

Reader Comments

Care to write a review? Format it like the above self-review.


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