Other Character Email The Poopsmith/retirement
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Overview
Poopsmith Email #33
By: Thatkidsam
The Poopsmith looks for odd jobs to do so he can build up his retirement fund.
Cast (in order of appearance): The Poopsmith, Gavin, The King of Town, Free Country Law Inforcement Units, Bubs, Health Inspector, Marzipan, Homestar Runner
Transcript
{The Poopsmith digs up his Boxor 186, which has been buried under dust. He also finds a time capsule, which he throws over his shoulder. A PSP falls out and breaks on the ground.}
THE POOPSMITH: (Wow, it's been a while. I'm surprised the firewall hasn't forgotten me yet.)
Subject:Dear Poopsmith
Your 50th email is right around the corner.
I was wondering what you plan on doing.
Will you go back in time and fight someone like Gunhaver did?
Will you check 50 emails?
Or will Homeschool become ruler of the world somehow, and you figure out you caused it, so you fight him.
Whatever it is, you should think of one now.
Dylan
THE POOPSMITH: (Woah! My 50th email is right around the corner? I didn't know that! Is it 48 emails? 49? 33? ...12? Man! I had no idea I was so close. In another 17 or 38 or 49 emails, I'll have to retire! Let's break out the CrapBank...)
{The Poopsmith digs up what looks like a piece of poop from the ground.}
THE POOPSMITH: (Hm... I have to find a way to hide stuff from Kingy without burying it. It's hard to remember where everything is.)
{He screws the cap of the CrapBank off, and shakes it upside-down. Three pennies fall out, and Gavin falls out, too.}
THE POOPSMITH: (Oh, yeah. I forgot that Kingy never pays me for this job. Well, I can't even buy a gumball with this retirement fund. I was hoping I could buy an equilavent of Air Force One and a mansion... I guess I'll have to get a new job, or something.)
{The Poopsmith walks angrily into The King of Town's castle.}
THE POOPSMITH: (Kingy, I quit!)
KING OF TOWN: What're you saying, now? Oh, I forgot you could talk.
THE POOPSMITH: (I said... I mean... I telepathically send to you, I quit!)
KING OF TOWN: Hm?
THE POOPSMITH: (Hm... My telepathy must not be working. I'll have to go back to the old style...)
{The Poopsmith grabs a random wooden sign out of the bushes and carves with his shovel, "I quit!".}
KING OF TOWN: {Angrily} Oh, you won't be quitting on my watch! {Presses a button on the wall}
{The Poopsmith slowly backs away and grabs his shovel. He quickly runs out back and buries his Boxor 186, and takes his shovel and his CrapBank. Black helicopters start to fly toward him, and black-uniformed men start to climb down from them on rope ladders. He runs very quickly away.}
FREE COUNTRY LAW ENFORCEMENT UNIT: Freeze, Daniel Von Poopsmith! You have rebelled against your rightful slave owner! We will hunt you to the ends of the Earth! ...What? ...Oh. ...Actually, we only have the right to chase you to that fence over there, but that's not the point! Run, you moron!
THE POOPSMITH: (GAH! MY NAME IS NOT DANIEL VON POOPSMITH!) {Aims the blade end of his shovel at the FCLEU like a gun, and fires. He falls over.} (Never mess with someone in the Poopsmithery industry! We've got guts!)
{Cut to Bubs' Concession Stand, where The Poopsmith is at the front of the line.}
BUBS: Odd jobs? Of course I can give you an odd job. All of my jobs are odd! Dress up in this ice cream box costume and go dance on the roof.
{The Poopsmith stabs his shovel into the side of the wall, and climbs to the top of it. He pulls a strange costume over his head and preforms a strange dance.}
{The Health Inspector walks over to the stand. Bubs stands up straight and begins to sweat.}
HEALTH INSPECTOR: Ah, I came for a surprise inspection. Let's hope you pass this time, so you don't have to display that message on your sign.
BUBS: Oh, yeah. I'd like to get rid of that.
{The camera pans up, showing that the sign says "BUBS' CONCES5ION STAND - NOW WITH A 78 ON THE HEALTH TEST!"}
HEALTH INSPECTOR: As our first test, I'd like to try one of your Icees.
BUBS: They're called Squelchees.
HEALTH INSPECTOR: Yeah, okay. Just give me a blue one.
{Bubs gives him one, and at that moment, The Poopsmith does a spin move in his dance, and a piece of poop flies into the drink.}
HEALTH INSPECTOR: Um... I dare ask, what is this brown thing?
BUBS: Oh. Yeah, about that... {Yawns and holds up his hands, and "accidentally" knocks the Squelchee over.} Whoops! Sorry about that. Let's have you try a chili dog. {Pulls out a chili dog and pours a considerable amount of "Poison Sauce" on it.} Heh heh... Try this...
HEALTH INSPECTOR: What is this "Poison Sauce" you put on this?
BUBS: Oh... That's, like, a... Hot sauce. Yeah, hot sauce. Like death sauce. Yeah. I like that brand. Uh... Poopsmith? You can take two dollars and move on. I don't think this is a good time.
THE POOPSMITH: (Cool! 2 dollars!) {Pulls off the costume and chucks it off the side of the stand, and jumps off and walks away}
HEALTH INSPECTOR: {Takes a bite, and falls on the ground, twitching} Gaaaack!!
BUBS: Hm hm hm... Heh heh heh... BWA HA HA HA HA!!! {Has a crazed look in his eye}
{Cut to Marzipan's Gazebo, where Marzipan is sitting, tuning her guitar.}
THE POOPSMITH: (Hey. You have any strange jobs with a large pay?)
MARZIPAN: Eww! You're that creepy guy! ...Well, normally, I wouldn't do this, but Homestar has been acting a little weird lately, so he can't help me.
{Cut to the backseat of a car, where Homestar is playing with toy airplanes.}
HOMESTAR: Whee! {In low-pitched voice} I say, Redberg, what have you been doing to Greenswing? {In higher-pitched voice} Is it a crime to chase thee, O red plane?
{Cut back to Marzipan's gazebo.}
MARZIPAN: Could you go sing for the birds?
THE POOPSMITH: (I can't talk, but I'll do it.)
MARZIPAN: Thank you! I changed my mind about you, even though you have a horrible stench.
{The Poopsmith walks out of the gazebo and finds some birds.}
THE POOPSMITH: (Oh, what a man would do for money, just anything! Unh! The money is good, good for planes... Oooh, money!)
{Ring-shaped waves echo around the three birds. Their eyes turn pure red, and start to spin wildly into a spiral.}
THE POOPSMITH: (Whoops. I was accidentally using hypnosis. Marzipan isn't going to be happy.)
{A headline flies up that says "KILLER BIRDS ON THE LOOSE! EXTREMELY SMELLY MAN SUSPECTED". After a few seconds, cut back to the Boxor 186.}
THE POOPSMITH: (Well, a swarm of killer pigeons is flying around Free Country, but I'm pretty happy. I had no idea Marzipan was so rich! I now have enough to get my own shelter, possibly my own pile of chocolate to shovel. ChocoSmithdom, here I come!)
Easter Eggs
- Click on here I come! to see The Poopsmith's dream plane, the Crap Force 3.14.
- Click on killer pigeons to see the killer birds pecking at an unconscious Strong Sad.
