Other Character Email Videlectrix/Doo-Hickey of Intrest'n
From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki
Contents |
Overview
Videlectrix Email #6
After the company is evicted from the apartment by someone who looks suspiciously like Bill Gates, the employees use a Whut If'n Machine.
Cast (in order of appearance): Graphic Designer #1, Graphic Designer #2, CEO, Art Man, Bill Gates, Playtester, Programmer, Johnny Announcer Boy, The Announcer, Marshie
Places: Videlectrix Apartment, Outside Videlectrix Apartment, Programmer's Basement, Microsoft Fortress
Computer: 286 CGA Enabled PC
Date: February 26, 2006
Lines: 197
Transcript
GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: Well, it's been another three months. Let's check another email.
GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: Yeah! BRING IT ON! Er- bring it, um, up on the screen...
Hey Videlectrix Men!
It's me again!
Anyways, have
you guys ever used
this thing called
"A What-If
Machine"? The
kid's say they're all
teh heezy chicken mcnuggest
crunk, yo.
Why don't you guys
show us what would
happen if you people didn't
go for that job at Videlectrix?
Maxin and relaxin',
The Noid
{The second graphic designer reads everything as written up to the word "mcnuggest". He has trouble pronouncing it, and during the middle of his pronunciations, the computer shuts off. Momentarily, the lights shut off and the coffee maker stops.}
GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: It appears that we have expanded upon the maximum power usage...
CEO: {In the background, simaltaneously} Gah! My coffee!
GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: {Pauses for nearly 10 seconds} You mean, the power's out?!
CEO: GAH! We can't do anything! We've sold SudokuTM RubikTM's CubesTM, created an animated webtoon Winnie The Poop, we've attempted to make a stereo out of a toaster and a spatula... {Holds up a sparking, beat-up toaster which appears to have a javelin hurled through the center} What should we do? We don't have money! Art Man! You're good at saving money, right? ...Art Man?
{Art Man is in a corner, taking on a straitjacket-like pose, rocking back and forth.}
ART MAN: {Mumbling crazily} The money... None of the casholas... Can't save... Cents... 49-Cent...
{A man who is obviously Bill Gates with a fake mustache barges in.}
MUSTACHE MAN: Get out! You should have payed your rent!
CEO: What, you don't like my bootleg money printed out on my special Videlectrix Paperisms?
{The CEO holds up a "$14.99-dollar bill" that is very, very pixelated and large compared to real U.S. dollars.}
MUSTACHE MAN: No, no I don't. Now, get out.
PLAYTESTER: Can I at least take my teddy goat?
MUSTACHE MAN: No! Give me the teddy goat! {Swipes the stuffed goat and knocks the Playtester over.}
{The entire staff of Videlectrix, minus the Playtester, is standing outside the apartment.}
MUSTACHE MAN: And have your stupid computer!
{Mustache Man drops the computer out the window. There are rotational and slow-motion effects as the first Graphic Designer attempts to save it.}
GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: {Very deep voice} NOooooooooooooo...
{He walks very slowly, similar to the characters in 50K Racewalker. He can't save the computer, and it hits the ground. A badly-animated explosion takes place near the collision area.}
GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: And the sad thing is, 50K Racewalker was what taught me to be as fast as I am... And it wasn't enough...
GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: Well, it looks like this is it: No more making video games.
{Sad acoustic guitar and flute music plays as it begins to rain. The employees walk sadly along the sidewalk. However, after a few seconds, the music stops as it is interrupted by a blaring megaphone.}
REDNECK JONES: Get yore Whut If'n Machines right heer! We'll give em ta yew FREE if'n yew can fiar one of our authentic redneck shotguns at da old pickup'n trucks down at da junkyard! Yeehaw! {Jumps around, shooting a pistol into the air}
CEO: What? A Whut If'n Machine?
GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: His dialect is very southern. He is attempting to speak "What-If-"
GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: He means "what if machine".
CEO: Good work, Conley!
GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: But I-
CEO: If it's technology we want, then let's win one of those Whut If'n Machines!
PROGRAMMER: I'll do it! I put on Deoderant of +3 Accuracy!
GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: Way to go, Dave!
CEO: Go win us a Whut If'n Machine!
{Suspenseful music plays as the Programmer makes strange noises. He grabs the shotgun. The camera switches to a view right over the shotgun. It reels back at the last minute, barely missing the junkyard. However, it DOES hit something...}
MAN: {In the distance} Honey, what happened to our car?
REDNECK JONES: Yeehaw! We've got a winner! Congraturation on shootin' dat beat-up car out yonder! Git yoreself a Whut If'n Machine!
CEO: Huh?
GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: Please allow me to speak with the poor, troubled southern man. {Faces Redneck Jones} We aur all very sorry fer yew, ya poor redneck'n. We're hopin' yew'll git a real job someday.
REDNECK JONES: Wutchoo talkin' bout?
{Cut to a dusty basement with only a desk and several hundred boxes piled up everywhere.}
PROGRAMMER: Well, this is the only place we can go that has +1 Electricity Hook-
ART MAN: WILL YOU CUT IT WITH THE PLUS JOKES??
PROGRAMMER: {Strange noise}
CEO: Um... {Turns the Whut If'n Machine on}
WHUT IF'N MACHINE: Step up ta dat li'l Compy 'n' ask yoreself a question!
CEO: What would happen if our employees didn't come to work here?
WHUT IF'N MACHINE: Why did yew hafta ask such a large question!? Now I hafta split it inta sections!
Playtester
{The Playtester's life outside Videlectrix just includes a montage of him getting seriously injured many, many times. At one point, a scene involving a seesaw appears. The camera quickly pans away, only showing the employees' expressions.}
GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: Oh, how gruesome!
GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: Boring. It's not like we haven't seen this before.
{The camera pans back to the TV, which is now showing the Art Man's new life.}
Art Man
{Cut to a Designated Talk Show Room, with happy-go-lucky music playing and a logo at the bottom.}
¢¢ PENNY PINCHING ¢cent;
HOSTED BY: CARTMAN THE ART MAN
"Gotta keep pinching those pennies!"
ART MAN: {Voice-over} The... The pennies... Pinching... Pinching the pennies... Dimes... Knuts... Galleons...
JOHNNY ANNOUNCER BOY: Welcome to Penny Pinching, hosted by Cartman the Art Man! {Applause starts and ends abruptly} On today's show, everyone's favorite Art Man will reveal the #1 secret of money-saving you've all been waiting for! Just for a review, we'll state the other four Top 5 just in case you forgot to TiVo the last few episodes.
5. Don't buy stuff from the Bonus Stage KeenSwag store
JOHNNY ANNOUNCER BOY: #5! Don't buy the crap they sell in the KeenSwag stores! It'll just gather dust, and we all know the motto... "Dust gives you wrinkles, which costs you money somehow!"
4. Only shop at the 25¢ store
JOHNNY ANNOUNCER BOY: #4! If you shop at any store other than those glorious 25¢ stores, you might be spending up to 6¢ more than usual!
3. Save grease
JOHNNY ANNOUNCER BOY: #3! If you save the grease from your Mock-Iron Quik-Frying PanTM you ordered from our online BudgetPincher Store...
3. Save grease (MOCK-iRON QUIK-FRYING PANTM ONLY $1.99!)
JOHNNY ANNOUNCER BOY: ...You can increase your normal paycheck by up to 3¢!
2. Make your own prom dress
JOHNNY ANNOUNCER BOY: #2! Stop saving for those WORTHLESS, expensive tuxedos and prom dresses! Why not just grow your own, using our fabulous GrassPantlingsTM formula? You'll be able to grow your own clothes, and you'll be the laughingstock envy of the prom!
{A picture of a grass tuxedo shirt appears. The grass appears to have weeds and bugs crawling in it.}
JOHNNY ANNOUNCER BOY: And now, heeeeere's CARTMAN ART MAN!
{The spotlights whril around for a while and stop on a spot behind the couch, where Art Man suddenly appears. He walks and sits on the couch.}
ART MAN: Thank you, Johnny. As you all know, tonight, we're going to reveal you the most controversial secret of penny-pinching ever known to mankind! In fact, we weren't allowed to air this in Japan because they might sue us for ruining their industries! Aaaand, here's the #1 secret...
1. Never buy video games. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever-
{An audience gasps.}
ART MAN: That's right, folks! Video games are the source of all evil in this world! EVERY TIME YOU BUY A VIDEO GAME, I WILL PUNCH A SMALL BOVINE ANIMAL.
CEO: {Voice-over} Art Man, how could you? It's bad enough that you were going to kill off the video game industry, but WHY WOULD YOU PUNCH A CALF??
Graphic Designer #1
{The first Graphic Designer is simply sweeping stuff up in a movie theater. He has a beard that curls upward, and is quite overweight.}
GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: {Voiceover} You appear to be a janitor of some sort.
GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: {Voiceover} Shut up! Don't insult your superiors! See the big "#1" on my uniform? You're #2, and you'll always be #2!
ART MAN: {Voiceover} The pay for janitors is probably higher.
GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: {Voiceover} Oh, yeah. w00t.
NARRARATOR: By day... He's just an ordinary janitor, working at a movie theater.
MAN: Be quiet! We're trying to watch Crazy Frog: The Motion Picture!
NARRARATOR: ...Ahem. But, by night...
{A crescent moon flies across the screen. Nothing changes, but the theater is darker.}
NARRARATOR: ...He is...
SCREAMING METAL SINGERS: GOLD-STRIPED-UNIFORM JANiTOR!!!
JAAA JAAAA JAAAA JAAA!!!
It came from deep inside Nevada
With much intention to clean...
And then it went to janitor school
And got itself a job!
But it decided to be more impulsive
And got itself a golden stripe...
What will it do next?
IS THIS THING INSANE?
GOLD-STRIPED UNIFORM JANiTOR!
JAAA JAAAA JAAAA JAAA!!!
IT'S COMING TO GET YOU, ALL OF YOU!
CLEANING UP SODA SPiLLS!
DON'T YOU THROW POPCORN AT HIM...
OR HE'LL SMACK YOU WITH HIS BROOM!
YAAA YAAAA YAAA YAAA JAAA-UH!
GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: Woah, that was the coolest song ever, I'm going to put that on my vPod.
Graphic Designer #2
{Cut to Graphic Designer #2 in the Microsoft Fortress, in front of a podium. A logo appears at the bottom, "Inside Microsoft".}
GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: {Voiceover} I seem to be the president of Microsoft...
CEO: {Voiceover} Traitor.
GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: {Voiceover} What? I'm not a traitor! This is just that poor, broke southern man's vision of my life outside Videlectrix.
GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: I will now announce our new plans for dominating the video game industry.
AUDIENCE: Tell us, tell us! We've been dying to hear it!
GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: Well, here's my first idea: Contrary to popular belief, making good games DOES make money! For our first plan, let's try to make some GOOD games! None of this Tiger Woods stuff.
AUDIENCE: Woah! How'd he come up with that?
GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: For my second idea, we should consider NOT putting in a bug that purposely crashes the system if you play for more than 5 minutes.
AUDIENCE: I wish Billy was as good as this new guy!
GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: And finally, speaking of that laughingstock Billy, I believe that it would be cost-effective to starve Billy for another three days.
{The camera pans behind the podium, showing a cramped cage holding Billy. He is extremely thin, and wearing a potato sack.}
BILL GATES: I used to own this company! I made it work! I DID IT ALL!
AUDIENCE: BOOO! LET 'IM STARVE!
CEO
{Cut to a logo with "The Greatest Blunders of Music".}
THE ANNOUNCER: You've all hopefully tuned into this special episode of The Greatest Blunders of Music. Previously on the show, we've featured albums played entirely with the triangle, an album with vocals by a mouse, and songs composed entirely of armpit flatulence, but today's the day: We're featuring an album that recieved absolutely NO sales! Right after this commercial break, that is.
{The commercial break consists only of a smiling, rotating Marshie on a yellow background}
CEO: {Voiceover} Do any of you have any idea why we have to have commercial breaks on a What-If Machine?
GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: {Voiceover} We could be just recieving a TV station that is edited so it includes us...
CEO: {Voiceover} Nobody cares what you think, so shut up.
{The commercial break ends.}
THE ANNOUNCER: Our featured album today is the oddly-titled "F1 Racing Stole My Arrow Keys", by a person who goes by either CE1 or CEO. We've never figured it out, because it is presumably classified information.
{The cover art for "F1 Racing Stole My Arrow Keys" flies up to the screen, showing a man thinking, a quarter of a baby's face, a balloon, and a plane.}
THE ANNOUNCER: We've collected data from all of the music stores in the world, and they all reported zero sales of this particular album.
{A bar graph flies up, and since nobody sold anything, the table is blank.}
THE ANNOUNCER: Several years ago, we have discovered the reason that this album completely flopped: It was because CEO/CE1 actually forgot to release the album! What a terrible mistake.
CEO: {Voiceover} Oh, man! That would have been bad. {Shifts his eyes around and throws a copy of "F1 Racing Stole My Arrow Keys" in the trash.}
Programmer
{The screen simply displays static.}
WHUT IF'N MACHINE: Y'all can just cool down for a cotton-pickin' minute. I can't currently be recievin' a video for this heer Programmer'n. I'll just hafta describe it. Dave da Programmer, if'n he ne'er went ta work at Videlectrix, would be... CEO of Videlectrix!
CEO: What?
WHUT IF'N MACHINE: Err, umm, shuttin down ta conserve power. {Bloop}
{The screen fades to black. Everyone is packing up suitcases, except for the CEO.}
CEO: What? You can't ALL be leaving! Conley, do you really want to be a janitor?
GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: I really want the gold stripe! Wouldn't you want a gold stripe?
PROGRAMMER: And look at me! I could be the CEO of Videlectrix! I'm not going to give up that chance!
CEO: Ugh...
{RunningMan runs across the screen, carrying a banner that reads "Click Here To Email Videlectrix".}
Easter Eggs
Fun Facts
- Sudoku is a wildly popular newspaper-style puzzle.
- Rubik's Cubes are cube-based puzzles.
- "Winnie The Poop" is a very obvious "parody" of Winnie The Pooh.
- Knuts and Galleons are two of the coins in Harry Potter.
- TiVo is a very popular DVR.
- A bovine/calf is a cow, so technically, Art Man says that he will punch a cow if you buy a video game.
- Crazy Frog and Numa Numa are extremely annoying flash animations and, in Crazy Frog's case, a freakin' TV SHOW AND VIDEO GAME!
Author's Comments
- Rating: 8.0
- I liked this one, even if I couldn't come up with anything good for Programmer.
Reader Comments
Care to write a review? Format it like the above self-review.
| Other Character Email Videlectrix |
|---|
|
freeze ray | SPAMMATORY! | vidiletrix | CopyWriteTM | crash | Doo-Hickey of Intrest'n |
