The Homestar Runner Movie/Opening Titles

From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki

The opening titles and introduction to the plot.

CHARACTERS: Samuel Franson, Dan Horsewits, various FBI agents, Homestar Runner, Strong Bad

PLACES: FBI HQ, The Field

Transcript

{fade from black. Low, dramatic music begins to play. The camera pans along a heacy electric fence with a large, 2 story building behind it. 2 guards stand at a door, as spotlights encircle the perimeter. The camera slows as it passes a sign labeled "FBI HQ - AUTHORIZED PERSONAL ONLY!". A spotlight floods the screen. Fade to inside the FBI HQ. The camera "walks" through the main enterance of the vicinity, eventually panning past a doorplate labeled "PROJECT DELTA IN PROGRESS! GOVERNMENT CLEARENCE NECCESARY!" Cut to the next screen. The camera scrolls down a crowded isleway with small cubicles on either side. Busy FBI agents tap away into their computers. Dan Horsewits (in real life form) strolls down the isleway, and stops at Samuel Fransons. Cut to inside his cubicle. Horsewits bends down behind him and peers at the screen}

HORSEWITS: What is that thing?

FRANSON: I don't know. It's almost as if it showed up overnight.

HORSEWITS: So what are you saying?

FRANSON: Our systems have no knowledge, no history or evidence that that territory ever or even exists currently.

{as he speaks, cut to the computer screen. On it, a map of the USA is shown with a small highlighted section near the center. 2 small popups are on screen with messages such as, "NO DATA FOUND" and "UNABLE TO MATCH LOCATION". Cut back to previous view}

HORSEWITS: Find out all you can about it. I want satellite views, exact latitude, longitude, all of it. Find out anything you can.

FRANSON: Yes sir. {continues to type again}

{zoom in closer to Horsewits' face. Cut to Horsewits quickly walking in another part of the building. Something in his jacket begins to beep. He reach into his jacket and pulls out a small handheld PDA. He stops and reads it. Cut to the PDA. On it, the screen reads, "URGENT! I need you at my computer, now! -Franson". Zoom in on the message.}

HORSEWITS: {offscreen} Oh god.

{cut to a large meeting room. Horsewits stands at the front behind a podium. A slideshow of ariel images of the mysterious town run behind him on a projector screen. Various other FBI agents sit with their backs turned to the camera. Franson stands slightly behind Horsewits and over to the side.}

HORSEWITS: So as you can see, gentleman, this town is unknown, unmarked, with no records in our data bases. It just appeared. I believe this could throw a major threat toward Project Delta.

FBI AGENT: Do you have any record of inhabitants to the town?

HORSEWITS: At least two. {Horsewits lifts up a remote and the projector screen displays a clip from "First Time Here?" The music cuts out as Homestar says his line}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh, hello! I'm Homestar Runner! {gasps from the agents} ... Isn't that great?

STRONG BAD: {shouting from off-camera} Oh, I can't take it anymore!

{Strong Bad runs on camera and shoves Homestar Runner out of the frame.}

STRONG BAD: {sarcastic, imitating Homestar} Hello, and welcome to I'm a Big Moron Who Can't Remember His Lines Dot Com! {he continues but the sound fades out}

{various murmers come from the audience. The video continues but is silent. The music begins again}

HORSEWITS: As you can see, gentlemen. The inhabitants of what is currently being called "Town Delta", are certainly not human.

ANOTHER FBI AGENT: Have you made contact with them?

FRANSON: {moves up closer} Well, we've made several attempts at contact, which currently is only through email. Each one comes back deleted.

HORSEWITS: Gentlemen, {begins to zoom in on Horsewits} this town obviously wants nothing to do with us. I say we have one option!

{cut to an unknown hanger. A plane's engine ignites right in front of the camera and begins to take off. Other planes soon follow, followed by military helicopters. Cut to inside of the copters, where Franson and Horsewits sit. Franson looks down at the ground nervously and Horsewits smirks wickedly. The camera pans ahead the helicopter as the sun's light flood the screen. The words, "THE HOMESTAR RUNNER MOVIE" fill it with big red letters. An orchestrated version of "Everybody! Everybody!" plays loudly in the backround.}

{end of scene}