Sounds E-mailesque!/The Super-Powered Caper
From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki
Dangeresque calls the whole gang together for Secret Operation Answer Hart's E-mail.
Cast (in order of appearance): Dangeresque, Renaldo, Cutesy Buttons, Baron Darin Diamonocle, Killingyouguy, Dangeresque Too, the Informant, Perducci, Topsy
Places: The Smoky Office, Strong Badia
Computer: The Uzi-Computa
Date: May 2, 2010
Page Title: Sponsored by the Brainblow Prison Gift Shop and Rip-Off Center!
Transcript
DANGERESQUE: Any relation between the Uzi-Computa and any other computers, dead or more dead, is entirely coincidental and should be taken as such.
Subj: SuperpowersDear Dangeresque
If you could have just one super power (not one that lets you have many), what would it it be?
~Hart
DANGERESQUE: Hey, haven't you been online lately? Misspelling words like "heart" was so last week. This week, ur nt vn spsd 2 typ ot rrl wrds! So, your name should really be <B. {clears screen} Anyways, Less-than-B, I already have all the superpowers I could ever want! I can break into buildings, I can charm the pants off the ladies, I can catch bullets with my teeth...what more could you want? Is there anything I CAN'T do?
{Renaldo walks in}
RENALDO: You can remember to pay your partner for once! I haven't seen any green stuff in my office since the mildew plague of '39!
DANGERESQUE: Yeah, but I think that having a free partner is a much better super power.
RENALDO: If it weren't for the baloney, I would've quit this job weeks ago!
DANGERESQUE: Get back to work!
RENALDO: Sir, yes, sir! {He runs out of the room}
DANGERESQUE: I wonder if anybody else around here has super-powered ideas.
{Cut to a scene in Strong Badia at night. Dangeresque is standing to the right side, and various other characters are standing to the left.}
DANGERESQUE: All right, gang, here's the skinny. I have to answer an E-mail from a guy who's been having some troubles lately. He has low self-esteem. He thinks he's less than B. So, I feel like I should really answer his E-mail. That's where you guys come in. This is Secret Operation Answer Hart's E-mail. Your mission is to figure out something I can't do. Does anybody have any ideas?
{All of the other characters raise their hands and start clamoring for attention.}
DANGERESQUE: Well, that makes me feel bad. I guess I'll start with your suggestion, Cutesy!
CUTESY BUTTONS: Well, you can't save the environment, and you can't seem to get a girl, and you can't be cool, and you can't save the day, and you can't afford the Grenadine Gun, and you can't shut down the black market, and you can't be a good cop, and you can't-
DANGERESQUE: {cutting her off} Shut up! I can do nearly all of those things! Besides, who would want a dame who can't shut up? Next!
{Cutesy walks away and Baron Darin Diamonocle steps forward}
DAIMONOCLE: Until recently, you couldn't get 50% off on all reasonable-priced products! But now you can! It's all down at the Brainblow Prison Gift Shop and Rip-Off Center! Come on down today!
DANGERESQUE: So...you're saying I CAN do that?
DIAMONOCLE: Abso-freaking-lutely!
DANGERESQUE: Then...that whole conversation was pointless. Next!
DIAMONOCLE: Whatever! Just take this small box of fliers!
{Diamonocle drops a huge refrigerator with papers sticking out of it next to Dangeresque. Then he walks away and Killingyouguy steps forward}
KILLINGYOUGUY: YOU CANNOT DESTROY ME! YOU CANNOT DESTROY ME!
DANGERESQUE: Oh yeah? Well, watch this, you big hunk of ham! Hi-ya! {He picks up the refrigerator and throws it at Killingyouguy, who falls backwards.}
KILLINGYOUGUY: ROSEBUD! ROSEBUD!
DANGERESQUE: Phew! Good thing our fridge has been trying that new diet, or I would never have been able to throw that thing! Anyways, next!
{Killingyouguy closes his eyes and does not move as Dangeresque Too steps forward}
DANGERESQUE TOO: You can't get what you want if you know what you need unless you see that you keep what you have!
DANGERESQUE: Wow! How Zen.
DANGERESQUE TOO: Actually, it's not Zen.
DANGERESQUE: Really? Zen get out of my sight!
{Dangeresque Too sighs and leaves. The Informant steps forward.}
THE INFORMANT: {in a British accent} You really thought I was good enough to be involved in one of your secret operations? I'd love to help!
DANGERESQUE: Zen-I mean, then lose the accent!
THE INFORMANT: {in his regular voice} Fine. Anyways, what if you had the power to fly? I bet you don't have that!
DANGERESQUE: I may not, {in the voice he usually reserves for "looks like I'm gonna have to jump"} but it looks like I already have the power to jump! {in his regular voice} And that's about all I really need. You're fired and I'm never letting you in on a secret operation again. Next!
{The Informant sighs and walks off. Perducci, the last one, steps forward.}
PERDUCCI: You can't win an eating contest against me!
DANGERESQUE: Yes, I can!
{The words "2 hours later" appear, and Dangeresque is lying on the ground, moaning and patting his stomach. Perducci appears to be just fine.}
DANGERESQUE: Ugh. No, I couldn't.
PERDUCCI: Ha-ha! I win again!
{He walks off, and Dangeresque stands up}
DANGERESQUE: Well, Hart, here's your answer. If I could have any super power, it would be the power to treat indigestion. Ugh...
{Dangeresque walks off and Topsy comes down}
Easter Eggs
Click on Killingyouguy after he yells "ROSEBUD" to see an extra scene with Secret Agent Ham Sandwich, the Dangeresque version of Homsar
DANGERESQUE: Phew! Good thing our fridge has been trying that new diet, or I would never have been able to throw that thing! Anyways, next!
{Ham Sandwich, wearing a blue mustache, comes forward}
HAM SANDWICH: I'm a galactic battleground of the soul!
DANGERESQUE: Ugh. Maybe I need a super power to tell me what Secret Agent Ham Sandwich is saying.
HAM SANDWICH: Will you martyr me?
DANGERESQUE: On second thought, maybe I don't want to know. Next!
Click on Topsy at the end to hear Killingyouguy's last words
KILLINGYOUGUY: NO TRESPASSING IN XANADU!
Explanations
- Dangeresque Too's "Zen" advice actually comes from a line in Into the Woods[1], in which the Baker's Wife says "You may know what you need but to get what you want better see that you keep what you have."
- Killingyouguy screaming "ROSEBUD!" is a reference to Citizen Kane[2]. The movie ends with a sign in Xanadu reading "No Trespassing."
