Sounds E-mailesque!/The Cute-as-a-Button Caper
From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki
Dangeresque finally answers the question that everybody's talking about: How are Cutesy and Sultry Buttons related?
Cast (in order of appearance): Dangeresque, Renaldo, Cutesy Buttons, Sultry Buttons
Places: The Smoky Office, Cutesy Buttons' House, the Kiddy Pool (flashback)
Computer: The Uzi-Computa
Date: April 18, 2010
Page Title: The Longest E-Mail Title Yet!!!
Transcript
DANGERESQUE: Would you believe, it's made out of a robotic corpse?
Dear Dangeresque,
Are Cutesy and Sultry Buttons sisters? If not, how are they related?
Crapfully yours,
Anonymous Dude in a Speedo #109
{He reads "Crapfully yours" as "Dangerously yours," and "Anonymous Dude in a Speedo #109" as "Pathetic Agent one-oh-nine."}
DANGERESQUE: Well, Number 109, {pronounces it one-oh-nine again} I don't have the slightest clue. I'm far too busy dodging Cutesy's attempts to smother me with kisses and Sultry's attempts to just plain ol' smother me to worry about their messed-up family relationships. Still, what's a crooked cop without a little danger, right? I guess I'll just have to go into enemy territory to find out.
{He turns around and looks at a black filing cabinet, dripping with a green liquid.}
DANGERESQUE: There it is. Renaldo's filing cabinet. Or, as I like to call it, Enemy Territory! There's no turning back now!
{He cringes, then jumps headfirst into one of the drawers. He struggles for a while, then jumps out, dripping, with a soggy file.}
DANGERESQUE: Ugh. That was definitely one of the worst things I've ever done. Let's see what's in this particularly disturbing file.
{He opens it up and reads it. The front of the file reads:}
CUTESY AND SULTRY BUTTONS
Designated Agents "Cold Cuteness" and "Hot Leather"
DANGERESQUE: Wow. No way. I mean, really. What? {He throws the file to the ground.} You mean that whole nosedive was a waste of time?! Any shmuck could find that information on the wiki! And it's only half as gross as that cabinet.
{Topsy comes down}
TOPSY: Way to offend our sponsors, Dangeresque!
DANGERESQUE: Will you get back up there!? {Topsy complies} Now, I guess we're going to have to do this the gruesomely old-fashioned way.
{Renaldo sticks his head in through the door.}
RENALDO: You don't mean!
DANGERESQUE: That's right. I'm gonna have to chase down the two of them and beat them senseless! {He looks at Renaldo.} Um...what are you doing here? I thought you were at a baloney appreciation meeting!
RENALDO: It go canceled due to ants.
DANGERESQUE: Ants came and ate the baloney?
RENALDO: No, they didn't come and eat the baloney! It looked like we were gonna be forced to eat it ourselves! Naturally, we left.
DANGERESQUE: Suspicious. Anyways, now that you're here, you can help me on my latest caper!
RENALDO: Oh, boy! But, erm, Dang-car-esque is in the shop after you drove it into one to many jaywalkers.
DANGERESQUE: You can never be too careful when it comes to traffic, Renaldo. Besides, a little walk is good for you!
{Cuts to a scene behind Cutesy Buttons' house. Dangeresque and Renaldo creep in from the side.}
DANGERESQUE: Okay, Renaldo, now do you remember the plan?
RENALDO: Heck no!
DANGERESQUE: Me neither. Let's just barge in and shoot the first thing we see.
{They jump around the side, with Dangeresque flailing his nunchuck gun while Renaldo brandishes a hot glue gun.}
DANGERESQUE: Looks like we're gonna have to jump...from behind this wall! {He shoots twice.}
{The screen changes to show Cutesy standing there, stunned. She is surrounded by plants, including Credenza, who is somehow riddled with bullet holes.}
CUTESY BUTTONS: Ugh. Why I never! Get out! Out, out, out!
DANGERESQUE: Wait, we have to ask you-
CUTESY BUTTONS: If you don't get out right this minute, I'm going to get the tofu.
{Dangeresque and Renaldo turn and flee. After they are past Cutesy's house, Dangeresque turns to Renaldo and speaks.}
DANGERESQUE: Well, that didn't work! I guess we have to go to Plan B.
RENALDO: I can't remember, does that come before or after Plan C?
DANGERESQUE: After.
{They start to walk off. Cut to a scene inside Dangeresque's office. Dangeresque is holding a very lumpy-looking orange-colored gem and sitting at his desk.}
DANGERESQUE: If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that Sultry Buttons sure loves her gems. That's why I made this paper-mache topaz two weeks ago! Not because I was at boy scout summer camp at all! For real!
RENALDO: {offended} And what's wrong with Boy Scout Summer Camp?
{Suddenly, Sultry Buttons smashes through the door, holding a large knife in each hand, and one in her teeth. She spits it out and glares at Dangeresque.}
SULTRY BUTTONS: Dangeresque, I'm here for the topaz!
DANGERESQUE: Sorry, Sultry. It's not free. I need some...information.
SULTRY BUTTONS: You can't pin anything on me! I wasn't even at Girl Scout Summer Camp!
DANGERESQUE: No, no, not that. I need to know...how are you related to Cutesy Buttons? Are you sisters? Cousins? Next-door neighbors?
SULTRY BUTTONS: {chuckling} Dnageresque, I guess there are some things you will never know about women.
DANGERESQUE: {unamused} So...are you gonna tell me or what?
SULTRY BUTTONS: Okay, fine. Here's the truth.
{We cut to a grainy, sepia-tone flashback. Cutesy and Sultry, or at least, child versions of themselves, are playing in the kiddy pool, which is labeled "sandbox."}
SULTRY BUTTONS: {voice-over} You see, when we were kids, Cutesy and I were great friends. We were always playing in the sandbox...
{The pool's label changes to "pie factory"}
SULTRY BUTTONS: The pie factory...
'{The pool's label changes again.}
SULTRY BUTTONS: Even the shark pond! But we knew it couldn't last. I wanted to buy the world, and she wanted to save it. So, we used a red marker to pretend we had taken each other's blood, and became blood sisters.
{Cut back to the scene in the office.}
SULTRY BUTTONS: So there you have it. {She take the "gem" and jumps out the window.}
DANGERESQUE: Yep. She was definitely lying.
RENALDO: No doubt about it!
{Dangeresque sits at the Uzi-Computa and begins typing.}
DANGERESQUE: So there you have it, Agent 109. How are Cutesy and Sultry Buttons related? They both refuse to tell how they're related. So, until next time, send me your real names, guys! I mean, seriously! This is getting ridiculous!
{Topsy comes down.}
Explanations
The "would you believe..." line from the beginning is a reference to Get Smart[1], a TV show whose main character was known for saying "Would you believe", followed by an unbelievable statement.
