Sounds E-mailesque!/The Coolness Caper

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Comrade, I think your definition of “cool” may be a little off.

Dangeresque teaches Doctor Octavious how to be cool!

Cast (in order of appearance): Renaldo, Dangeresque, The Informant

Places: The Smoky Office

Computer: The Uzi-Computa

Date: March 30, 2010

Page Title: The Uzi-Computa’s big debut!

Transcript:

(Dangeresque is seated in his smoky office. Suddenly, Renaldo walks in.)

RENALDO: Dangeresque! I’ve got news from the Informant!

DANGERESQUE: Stupid Informant! But he does serve a purpose…occasionally. What goes on in the world of Brainblow City?

RENALDO: Apparently, all kinds of suspicious goings-on are happening…on the Internet! (Lightning flashes outside.)

DANGERESQUE: The…Internet? (Lightning flash)

RENALDO: The Internet! (Lightning flash)

DANGERESQUE: Hmm. (Lightning flash.) Maybe I shouldn’t have made the mechanical corpse of Uzi-Bazooka into a lightning rod. It seems to be (lightning flash) working (lightning flash) all too well. (lightning flash) So, what is this…Internet?

RENALDO: It’s kind of like a big, moist towel that lies over the Earth like a great dripping mess, connecting people of all stanks everywhere!

DANGERESQUE: That sounds like nothing I want to be a part of.

RENALDO: And it’s great for criminal activity. Black MarkEbay is doing a great trade in illegal goods. People are sending out all kinds of spam and viruses over the internet, and even- DANGERESQUE (interrupting): That sounds like EVERYTHING I want to be a part of! But where am I going to get a computer?

{Dangeresque looks out the window at the corpse of Uzi-Bazooka.}

DANGERESQUE: Unfortunately, that corpse is all the way out the window! It looks like I’m gonna have to jump!

{He jumps out of the window.}

RENALDO: Ooh, dang! That reminds me of that thing I forgot that I just remembered! I should go! {He leaves. Fade to black, then words appear: “Some time later…or is it?” Back in the smoky office, Dangeresque walks in, carrying a computer.}

DANGERESQUE: Well, using the broken corpse of Uzi-Bazooka, and 17 cans of my coolest, coolest spray paint, I have made a true masterpiece of crooked technology: the Uzi-Computa! (He sets it on the desk, and sits down.) I have this sudden urge to sing a song of some sort…nah! Crooked cops would never do that! (He types in “run dangeresquemail.ordidi?”)

Dear Mr. Esque, How can I get as cool as you? Signed, Dov

(reads “Mr. Esque” as “Masteresque? No, I told you guys: it’s Dangeresque!” and “Dov” as “Doctor Octavious.”)

DANGERESQUE: Well, Doctor Octavious, there are many elements necessarily to achieve ultimate coolness. These work on anyone! For example: (picks up his car phone) “Informant! I need you in here! Pronto!” {The Informant walks in}

INFORMANT (in a Russian accent): You wanted to see me, Comrade?

DANGERESQUE: Here, Doctor, we have The Informant. Probably the least cool person in Brainblow City. Let me show you how to make him cooler. First off, he needs some cool, cool glasses. I just happen to have a spare!

(He puts a pair of Groucho Marx glasses on the Informant.)

INFORMANT: Aren’t you a little old for dress-up, Comrade Dangeresque?

DANGERESQUE: Shut up! Shut up a lot! Next, he needs a cool weapon. I, of course, have my (pulls out his nunchuck gun) NUNCHUCK GUN!! For the Informant, I have this old Super Soaker that I’ll let him borrow.

INFORMANT: Really? You’ll let me borrow it, Comrade?

DANGERESQUE: Sure! (Severely) It’ll cost you 200 quesos.

INFORMANT: Awww…

DANGERESQUE: Then, just add a bunch of cool gadgets, and see what you get! (He starts throwing random gadgets at the Informant.) Now…viola! {Shows the Informant, who looks completely ridiculous.}

INFORMANT: Comrade, I think your definition of “cool” may be a little off.

DANGERESQUE: Well, that may be. Unfortunately, it looks like all of the doors in this office are broken. So it looks like you’re gonna have to get thrown out the window! {Dangeresque throws him out as he screams. A musical sting plays.}

DANGERESQUE: Um…isn’t some kind of paper supposed to appear here? Maybe? {A paper labeled “TOP SECRET: DANGERESQUE” comes down.}

DANGERESQUE: There we go. I think I’ll name you…Topsy.

Easter Eggs:

Click on “Topsy” to show a scene with the Informant, lying on the ground below the office.)

INFORMANT: Phew! At least he got rid of that stupid lightning rod!

{Renaldo walks in.}

RENALDO: I just remembered what I was going to do! {He tapes a lightning rod to the Informant’s back. The Informant gets electrocuted.}