Sounds E-mailesque!/The Cool Glasses Caper

From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki

Dangeresque tells a sultry lady agent about his Cool, Cool glasses.

Cast (in order of appearance): Dangeresque, Dangeresque Too, Topsy

Places: The Smoky Office; the Cool, Cool Glasses, Inc. Factory

Computer: The Uzi-Computa

Date: April 11, 2010

Page Title: The Cool, Cool Computa!

Transcript

DANGERESQUE: E-mail. DANGERESQUE'S E-mail.

Subject: Sunglasses

Dear Dangeresque,
I like those sunglasses that you wear. Where did you get them, and what kind of fashion misfires did you have before getting the orange aviators?
Your friend,
Diamonds Droog

DANGERESQUE: Ugh. Why can't you guys just write your real name? What's all this "Droog" crap?! Oh, wait. Maybe that's your secret code name, and you're actually a hot female agent on the other side! {he types it as 'otha syde'} Well, I guess I can see that. {clears screen}

Well, "Droog," I want to get one thing straight about my glasses. They are NOT Aviatars, or whatever that was supposed to be. That sounds like some kind of high-budget special effects movie with a completely predictable plot. {clears screen}

No, these are my Cool, Cool Glasses. That's the brand name and everything! {a logo for "Cool, Cool Glasses, Inc." appears on an orange backdrop} They also own several other subsidiaries, including {a logo appears for each subsidiary as it comes up} Cool, Cool Sportsware; Cool, Cool Gaming; Cool Cool Publishing; and Crappy, Crappy Fast Food. Their motto is "If it's Cool, Cool, you know it's cool! {hesitates}...cool." Now I could just sit here at the Computa and tell you the story, but I think it'd be a lot more satisfying to actually go to the Cool, Cool factory and tell you the story there.

{cuts to a scene in front of a large steel building with the Cool, Cool Inc logo on it. Dangeresque walks in.}

DANGERESQUE: Lucky for me, I've got a friend who works here! Isn't that right, Dangeresque...Too?

{Pan left to show Dangeresque, Too standing in front of the doors.}

DANGERESQUE, TOO: What is it, Dangeresque One? Are you here to steal another pair of glasses? You must be really poor to have to keep stealing all this stuff.

DANGERESQUE: I'm not poor! I like stealing stuff because it makes me cooler and edgier! No self-respecting crooked cop would just walk into a store and purchase something!

DANGERESQUE, TOO: But I do that all the time!

DANGERESQUE: No self-respecting crooked cop!

DANGERESQUE, TOO: Oh, I don't need this! My coffee break's in ten minutes. What do you want?

DANGERESQUE: See, now there's another thing. No self-respecting crooked cop would have a real job like this. I mean, where's the leggy dames? The action fights? The leggy dames?

DANGERESQUE, TOO: You should see our secretary. And things can get kinda rough during a game of Ping-Pong in the rec room.

DANGERESQUE: Really? {he shakes his head violently} Never mind. Anyways, can you get me into the factory?

DANGERESQUE, TOO: No.

DANGERESQUE: {pulling out his nunchuck gun and talking in a dramatic voice} I'll ask you one...more...time: can you get me into the factory?

DANGERESQUE, TOO: No.

DANGERESQUE: Now, I know what you're thinking. Have I smacked five people with my nunchuck gun today? Or six? The problem is, in all the excitement, I couldn't keep track myself.

DANGERESQUE, TOO: I did. It was six.

DANGERESQUE: {in his regular voice} Aw, crap! It looks like I'll just have to sneak in the ventilation ducts.

DANGERESQUE, TOO: Not if I get there first! Preeow!

{Dangeresque Too runs off, and his glasses fly off his face, landing on the ground. Dangeresque picks them up.}

DANGERESQUE: And that's how I got my cool, cool glasses, Droog. Tune in next time when I steal even more stuff from Dangeresque Too!

{Topsy comes down.}

Easter Eggs

Click on the Cool, Cool Logo on the factory to see a scene between Topsy and Dangeresque

DANGERESQUE: Hey, Topsy, I thought they didn't allow papers near the Cool, Cool Factory.

TOPSY: They do, but they charge two jillion bucks per second. How are you planning on paying that?

DANGERESQUE: By moving to Hawaii for an indefinite period of time, just like I always pay my bills.

TOPSY: Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention that your condo in Hawaii has been relocated until you pay the bills for it.

DANGERESQUE: Hmm. Maybe I can move in with some other crooked cops. Does anybody know where Sam & Max live?

Fun Facts

• The opening line is a reference to James Bond[1], who always introduced himself as "Bond. JAMES Bond."
• The line about the five/six nunchuck smacks is a reference to the movie Dirty Harry.[2]
• Sam & Max[3] is another episodic video game from Telltale Games. In itm Sam & Max are Freelance Police who are here to "keep the peace, violently if possible." They do seem to be a bit similar to Dangeresque, especially with their seemingly constant lack of money.
• In Dangeresque 3: The Criminal Projective[4], Dangeresque tells Sultry Buttons to "meet him in Hawaii at sunset." However, he also said that "that's one place I'm never going to go." Perhaps Dangeresque considers dodging bills more important that dodging dames.
• Saying that Aviators sounds like a movie with great special effects and a predictable plot is a reference to Avatar[5], a movie that many believed to be just like Dangeresque's description.