Other Character Email Gunhaver/Espanol/Translation
From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki
Summary
Blue Laser... er... Laser Azul kidnaps Foxface, in English!
Cast (in order of appearance): Gunhaver, Alpha Stan, Ripberger, Fightgar, Flashfight, Silent Rip, Crackotage, Reinforcements, Reynold, Blue Laser, Foxface, Blue Laser's minions, Wedginator (Easter egg)
(Translated) Transcript
{Cut to Gunhaver in front of the Alpha 1260.}
GUNHAVER: When the email has your back, then you'd better give back all of its money that you stole! Cause if you don't, then you're screwed for life, digitally.
Hello Gunhaver. You have 19 new emails.
{Gunhaver presses a button to make the following email appear.}
Subject: SUPER-ULTRA-MEGA IMPORTANTSr. Gunhaver,
espião do laser azul.
Eu devo informar que Foxface é realmenteum
GUNHAVER: {reading} Senior Gunhaver. {stops reading} Uh... Flashfight's the senior. My age is {beep}. Anyway... {reading} Eww... devo... inform... ar... cue Foxface eh real momentum. Esp... YEOW! Do laser Azurill... or whatever that means. {stops reading} Man, people these days. Literacy rates are DEFINITELY going down. Well. You know what that means! {pause} That means this email is DELETED!
DELETED!
GUNHAVER: Okay. That's all. If you find it that this email sucks, tough.
{Pan out to reveal that he was talking to Ripberger.}
{Cut to Silent Rip saying something of a mountainous background. Cut to Fightgar shooting red lasers.}
ANNOUNCER: Cheat Commandos is an elite fighting force, sworn to protect the world from the evil forces of Blue Laser!
{Cut to a canyon, where trucks and vehicles are shooting red and blue lasers at each other. Cut to Blue Laser HQ. Blue Laser is with a Blue Laser commando. The computer screen now reads, "OPERATION DON'T CRUSH OURSELVES" as well as "T-MINUS: TOTAL". Cut to Firebert with a TNT detonator. He pushes down the plunger and we hear a boom. It starts a rockslide which covers two Blue Laser Commandos. Cut to Blue Laser HQ. The computer screen reads "OPERATION DON'T CRUSH OURSELVES" and now "FAILED!!"}
{Cut to Gunhaver standing on a pedestal from Cheat Commandos Commercial with Flashfight, Silent Rip, Ripberger, and Crackotage standing below him.}
GUNHAVER: Cheat Commandos! Let's ROCK, ROCK ON!!!
{The Cheat Commandos logo appears above Gunhaver.}
SINGERS: Cheat Commandos, maybe fighting for freedom, and each is sold separately. Cheat Commandos, probably battling evil, buy all our playsets and toys!
{Cut to the Cheat Commandos HQ. The text "RANDOM RANSOM!" appears to show the title. Cut to Gunhaver in front of the Alpha 1260.}
GUNHAVER: When the email has your back, then you'd better give back all of its money that you stole! Cause if you don't, then you're screwed for life, digitally.
Hello Gunhaver. You have 19 new emails.
{Gunhaver presses a button to make the following email appear. He reads it.}
Subject: SUPER-ULTRA-MEGA IMPORTANTMr. Gunhaver,
by Blue Laser.
I regret to inform you that Foxface is kidnapped
GUNHAVER: WHAT??? NO! NO! NO!!!! HOW DARE YOU, BLUE LASER, KIDNAP FOXFACE AGAIN??? Oh man! I need reinforcements!
{Pan out to reveal Reinforcements.}
REINFORCEMENTS: Did somebody say my name?
GUNHAVER: I meant the other reinforcements!
REINFORCEMENTS: {disheartened} Oh...
{Cut to the HQ's living room, where Gunhaver is talking to Silent Rip, Fightgar, Arrowhaver, Crackotage, and Reynold.}
GUNHAVER: Guys. I'm asking you guys something that is very complicated to explain. In order to say the full explanation, I will waste weeks, so be warned. I don't know if this is good for our mission's sake or not, but bear with me. {clears throat} Blue Laser kidnapped Foxface.
{Reynold gasps while the others calmly mutter in understanding.}
REYNOLD: Oh no! Not Foxface! Why didn't he kidnap me???
GUNHAVER: Because nobody would DARE rescue you from a kidnapper. In fact, we'd probably give the kidnapper money, congratulations, and presents for ridding you from our company. Plus, you suck and are too overemotional.
REYNOLD: {sad} Oh. That's the worst insult I ever received in my career.
FIGHTGAR: What? The career of wasting your life on getting in the way?
{All but Reynold laugh.}
GUNHAVER: Okay guys minus the guy who gets in our way, it's time for us to go and safe Foxface and kick some Blue Laser butt!
CRACKOTAGE: If...
SILENT RIP: You can do a couplet at a later time!
{Cut to the Blue Laser HQ, where Blue Laser is watching the scene on his supercomputer. He freezes the scene.}
BLUE LASER: THOSE FOOLS! THEY ARE SO STUPID AND PREDICTABLE! I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE STRUGGLED TO CRUSH THEM ALL THIS TIME! ALL I NEEDED TO DO WAS TO KIDNAP THIS NEAR-USELESS CHEAT COMMANDO, LURE THE REST HERE, AND THEN CRUSH THEM WITH MY SECRET WEAPON!!!!
{Pan left to reveal Foxface.}
FOXFACE: Um... can I have a glass of water?
BLUE LASER: SHUT UP! I AM THE ONE WHO IS HOLDING YOU HOSTAGE, NOT YOU! AND IF YOU'RE SMART ENOUGH, THEN YOU'LL KNOW THAT I AM THE ONE WHO HAS CONTROL!
FOXFACE: Okay, point taken. So, can I have a glass of water?
BLUE LASER: YEAH! GO TO THE KITCHEN, WHERE THERE WILL PROBABLY BE A JUG OF WATER IN THE REFRIDGERATOR AND A CUP IN A CUPBOARD! FOLLOW THE SIGNS IF YOU WANT TO GO TO THE KITCHEN. BUT MAKE SURE YOU FIND YOUR WAY BACK HERE!
FOXFACE: Okay, thanks.
{Foxface walks off-screen.}
BLUE LASER: I'M SUCH AN EFFECTIVE KIDNAPPER!
{Cut to a street leading to the Blue Laser HQ (which is colored blue), where we can see the Troop Transport. The caption "CHEAP AS FREE!" appears below it.}
GUNHAVER: {from inside the truck} All right guys. We're entering Blue Laser territory. So, remember to ready your weapons, expect the unexpected, and choose your preferred pizza topping.
SILENT RIP: {from inside the truck} I wish we got more than one choice of toppings!
CRACKOTAGE: {from inside the truck} I prefer pepperoni, but that'd mean I'll meet Tony! He, he, hah, hah!
OTHER COMMANDOS: {from inside the truck} HUH???
{Cut to the Blue Laser HQ, where a wall is blasted open when the Troop Transport drives through the wall.}
FIGHTGAR: {from inside the truck} BLUE LASER! WE'RE HERE!!!
{Cut to inside the truck.}
REINFORCEMENTS: {angrily} FIGHTGAR!!!
GUNHAVER: Don't worry. That's all part of the plan!
SILENT RIP: Really?
GUNHAVER: Nah. I was just defending Fightgar.
{Cut to Gunhaver, Fightgar, Silent Rip, and Reinforcements standing in front of Blue Laser.}
BLUE LASER: YES! YOU FELL FOR MY TRAP! YOU ARE NOW IN THE MERCY OF MY SECRET WEAPON!
REINFORCEMENTS: Actually, aside from saving Foxface, we came here on our free will.
BLUE LASER: OH, WELL... YOU'LL STILL BE KILLED BY MY SECRET WEAPON! HAHAHAHAHAHA AND STUFF! GENERIC MINION, UNLEASH THE SECRET WEAPON!
{Cut to a wall, where a door slides open to reveal a gigantic, four-armed, blue robot with drills for hands}
BLUE LASER: {off-screen} THE BLUE LASER DRILL ROBOT!
{Cut to the Cheat Commandos. All of them but Gunhaver are backing away from the robot.}
GUNHAVER: Don't worry, guys! These's nothing my {gets out gun} trusty old gun can't handle!
FIGHTGAR: {gets out gun} I agree!
REINFORCEMENTS: Me too!
{Gunhaver, Fightgar, and Reinforcements shoot bullets and a rocket at the robot. Cut to the robot, which opens up its drills and uses magnetic forces to attract the projectiles into the drills, which close to prevent any exterior damage.}
BLUE LASER: FOOLS! I NEVER THOUGHT THAT YOU'D DO SOMETHING STUPID LIKE THAT SO FAST, BUT I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE WARNED YOU! WHO CARES? IF THIS HAPPENS, THEN THE ROBOT WILL SHOOT BEAMS TWICE THE POWER OF YOUR PROJECTILES AT YOU AND CRUSH YOU ALL, IF NOT, VAPORIZE YOU ALL! IT'S CURTAINS FOR YOU, CHEAT COMMAN-DORKS! NOW FIRE!!!
{Cut to the robot, which opens up two of its largest drills. Then it charges up as it prepares to shoot its beams when suddenly, the robot starts electrocuting. After a few seconds of that, it blows up. After the smoke clears, Foxface is revealed behind the burnt robot remains, holding an empty glass of water.}
BLUE LASER: WHAT??? YOU! MY HOSTAGE! WHAT DID YOU JUST DO! DID YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR TRIP TO THE KITCHEN BY GOING TO THE BATHROOM TOO??? THAT STINKS!
FOXFACE: Well, I did take advantage of the trip to the kitchen, but I didn't go to the bathroom. Instead, I used my glass of water to splash water on the robot, electrocuting it and destroying it, meaning the day is saved!
BLUE LASER: WHY DOES EVERYBODY HAVE TO SAVE THE DAY? WHY CAN'T THEY SHAVE THE DAY???
{The Cheat Commandos walk onscreen.}
GUNHAVER: Well, the point is, we've won! So hand over Foxface and let us kick your face twice each!
{Foxface walks to the Cheat Commandos.}
BLUE LASER: YEAH, WELL, {points to the opposite direction the Cheat Commandos are facing} LOOK OVER THERE!
{The Cheat Commandos look the other way as Blue Laser's minions pushes the Cheat Commandos outside the building. Then they begin working on patching the hole.}
FIGHTGAR: Well, at least we rescued Foxface.
SILENT RIP: {disheartened} Oh man! We'll NEVER defeat Blue Laser!
{Cut to a black background. What is sung by the singers appear on the screen.}
SINGERS: Buy all our playsets and toys!
{Cut to Gunhaver in front of the Alpha 1260, sleeping on the keyboard.}
GUNHAVER: {muttering} Don't flush my chicken down the toilet mommy! Don't flush my chicken!!!
{Alpha Stan appears on the screen.}
Gunhaver, you're drooling on the keyboard. Also, you have an email to complete.
{Gunhaver abruptly wakes up.}
GUNHAVER: Wha-da-da-da-da-da-da??? Oh, it's just Alpha Stan. Yeah, sure, whatever. {typing} So when you've chosen to get the cornucopia from a meat store, always choose beef. {stops typing} Okay, so until then, I'm going to see what happens if you flush Reynold down the toilet. See ya!
{Gunhaver runs off-screen, but we hear a thud and Gunhaver's snores.}
How original. Anyway, Click here to email Gunhaver at GEmail.exe. Anyway, the next email is the big 75!
Translated Easter Egg
- Click on "original" to see this:
CRACKOTAGE: If you think that I rhyme in Spanish, then you are incorrect like spinach! Hoo, hoo, hah, hah! Really, I don't rhyme all the time! Ha, ha, ho, hu!
WEDGINATOR: Hello people who are reading this Easter Egg! My name is Wedginator! I am fluent in Spanish, but I am not Mexican or any of that crap! I am definitively breaking the fourth wall!
