Fake Character Email Ductape Blader/Super Powers

From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki

Ductape E-mail #4: Super Powers

Summary: Ductape thinks his e-mail is crap until he has to help play midwife to a pregnant goat.

Cast: (in order of appearance): Ductape, Debbie, Bubs, Coach Z, Marzipan, Homestar Runner, Trevor (Easter Egg).

Places: Ductape's computer room, Debbie's room, The bathroom,

Date: March 30, 2006

Length: No idea.

Transcript

{Cut to inside Ductape's computer room. He looks like he is reading an eBook.}

DUCTAPE: Hmm...Hmm... {scrolls down} Hmm... wow. It's surprising that I got the eBook Star Wars: New Jedi Order: Ylesia as a free download. Man, this hurts my eyes. I might as well get onto the e-mail, I'll just finish this page first.

{He finishes the page and minimizes Adobe Reader. He then checks his inbox. The following e-mail pops up.

DUCTAPE: What new surprises do you have in store for me today?

Dear Ducktape Blader
If you can find the secret blue jewel, you
will be granted super powers for ONE DAY!
-NachoMan

DUCTAPE: Auwgh, why did you spell my name wrong? IT's spelled D-U-C-T-A-P-E. As in duct tape. Ducks are not involved in any way. And what the pants are you talking about this "blue jewel" garbage? Do you really think that I'll get super powers by finding a jewel? I really don't care less. So next time, send a much more credible e-mail. Otherwise I'll refuse to answer. I can do that, you know. Not that I'd expect a whole lot from a guy who calls himself NachoMan. Geez.

{Ductape turns his head side to side.}

DUCTAPE: On second thought, I'll just humor you because I'm just so nice. But really, hold back on the adventure nonsense. I'm not the kind of person who'd go off on any dangerous trek to do whatever a viewer tells me to do. I'm sane.

{Cut to Ductape in Debbie's room. The place is a mess, and Ductape is shifting though all kinds of junk.}

DUCTAPE: Come on, where is it? I know it has to be here somewhere. Altoids, apron, candles, a melting pizza?

{Ductape takes a melting pizza from the pile}

DUCTAPE: Eww... reminds me of a dragon for some reason. Oh yeah, it's in the bathroom.

{Ductape walks into the bathroom. all you can see are his blades.}

DUCTAPE: Now, where did she hide that jade necklace?

{Ductape's shoes turn, so they face the audience.}

DUCTAPE: Here it is! Right here she always put it. In the drawer.

{Ductape runs offscreen. Cut to the kitchen, where Ductape is standing in front of a fridge, holding the jade necklace.}

DUCTAPE: Okay, I got the sacred green &mdash uh, blue jewel, and it didn't take any bitterness or assassins to get it! *Sarcastic, sarcastic*.

DEBBIE: {offcreen} Duncan, what are you doing with my jade necklace?

DUCTAPE: Debbie, don't get this wrong, I'm just borrowing it for my webcam show.

DEBBIE: {now onscreen} Oh. That again. Hasn't mom told you not to go to extremes about it?

DUCTAPE: My webcam show is almost inactive as it is. Please?

DEBBIE: All right. Just don't damage it. By the way, where's your webcam?

DUCTAPE: My webcam's flying around me, so I get the best shot every time, and I don't have to hold it.Do you know Homeschool Winner?

DEBBIE: The nerdy inventor? Yeah, what's up?

DUCTAPE: He's letting me test his flying prototype, ever since his "flying taco" invention failed.

{A pink ripple effect comes. Bubs is playing on a laptop.}

BUBS: Slime that gruzzle! Blow up that garbage truck! Jump over the lava flow... {death music plays} Aww, pants!

{He tosses the laptop onto the ground just as Coach Z comes up. A crash is heard.}

COACH Z: Say there, bubs. I'm in a bit uh' finacial trouble, you don't mind, since I'm your best friend, about sparing un taco? For me? Da Coach Z?

BUBS: No! Un tacos are $3.24!

COACH Z: Oh. Then I'll just go home to sulk on the bench. {chokes up}

BUBS: Aww, there there. Tell you what, Homeschool's wanting me to test a taco hold invention. You wouldn't be interested...

COACH Z: Of course I'll be! As long as it's free. I can't afford the money-cost variety.

{Bubs takes out a taco with a hold that has mechanical wings on it. It flys toward Caoch Z. Suddenly, it flys into Coach Z's mouth(?) causing him to swallow it. He lifts off the ground and flys all over the place, until he reaches the clouds.}

Coach Z: This is even worse than the gigantic chicken incident! Next time, I'm paying my bills!

{Another pink ripple effect. Cut back to Debbie.}

DEBBIE: Okayyyyy... Oh, and Marzipan called. She wants you over for the goats. It's super-ultra-mega important.

DUCTAPE: I'll be right over nothing will stop me from those goats. Ever. Plever. Trevor. Trevory! Trebevory! Tribney!

{Cut to outside the door of the house. Ductape jumps and shreds all over the rail. Then he does a flip, and skates ofscreen, toward the viewer. Cut to Marzipan's herd of goats. Ductape skids to a stop.}

DUCTAPE: I heard something was up. What was it?

MARZIPAN: You were right about Goatee here being pregnant. She's going to deliver quite soon.

DUCTAPE: What can I do?

MARZIPAN: Just sit here. I'll get a goat specialist. He lives near here.

{Ductape sits and waits. Homestar Runner runs by. He stops and leaves skid marks on the ground.}

HOMESTAR: Where's Marzipan?

DUCTAPE: She left a few minutes ago to find a goat specialist. What brings you here?

HOMESTAR: I needed some help baking. My oven is now broken, I've got a big mess, and now, I'm out of eggs. And I think a glop monster has taken over my kitchen.

DUCTAPE: Well, I've got to help with Goatee here. She's delivering soon.

HOMESTAR: Delivering a pizza?

DUCTAPE: {Sarcastically} Yes, she's delivering a pizza.

HOMESTAR: I hope it's a pineapple and pepperoni pizza. I'm hungry.

{A bit later, Bubs comes up with Marzipan. He is wearing a disposable apron and rubber gloves.}

BUBS: So, where do you want this dead goat to be buried?

DUCTAPE: What do you mean "dead?"

MARZIPAN: Goatee's giving birth.

BUBS: Wait, this is a live goat? I can only handle dead goats!

MARZIPAN: What will we do now?

HOMESTAR: Let me handle this! I've graduated high school health class yesterday.

DUCTAPE: What did they do to you?

HOMESTAR: They kicked my rear and told me never to come back.

DUCTAPE: {sigh} I'll do it.

BUBS: Ths'll be a learning experience.

{Ductape reaches in. He seems to have grabbed something.}

DUCTAPE: Wait... I-I got it. Oof, whoa!

{Frame cuts to a wet, baby goat.}

MARZIPAN: That's just adorable.

DUCTAPE: I'm going to name you... Borismihalovitch.

HOMESTAR: Boor-rees-mee-hall-oh-vitch?

DUCTAPE: Borismihalovitch.

{Borismihalovitch licks Ductape's face.}

MARZIPAN: Aww, he likes you.

{Cut to Ductape, coming back to his computer. He is holding a goat.}

DUCTAPE: Okay, whoever sent in this e-mail... I can't catch the name. Seems like a month. Still, since I've been wearing this jade necklace the whole time, I better put it back.

{Fade to black. Click here to e-mail Ductape.}

Easter Eggs

• Click on the refridgerator before Ductape starts the sequence to see this.

{The screen blinks to white, with orange text saying "Ever" then "Plever" then shows Trevor standing alone, with the text saying "Trevor" then "Trevory" he has longer hair, then "Trebevory" he looks like a woman, then "Tribney" he is teaching a class.

Fun Facts

• The eBook Ductape was reading, Ylesia, is actual, and is avalible for a free download, like he said.
• Ductape is making fun of all the creepy e-mail shows that go on long, insane treks to please e-mailers. You know who you are.
• The melting pizza being reminiscent of a dragon is a reference to the SBE-mail DVD sketchbook.
• Jade is not a "blue jewel". Jade is green.
• Ductape's jab at assassins and bitterness refers to Star Wars character [starwars.wikia.com/index.php/Mara_Jade Mara Jade], who was the Emperor's Hand, and was Luke's assassin in Return of the Jedi, and later his wife several years later. Bitterness has to do with the fact "Mara" mean "bitter" in Hebrew.
• It is revealed Ductape is just a nickname, his real name is Duncan Blader.
• Ductape isn't breaking the fourth wall when he mentions the inactivity.
• Homeschool Winner is mentioned as a nerdy inventor, like in many fanstuffs.
• Bubs is playing Math Rescue, a 1993 MS-DOS game that involoved sliming Gruzzles, jumping lava pits, and blowing up garbage trucks. It tried to teach kids rudimentary math skills.
• Flying Tacos are used.
• Coach Z mentions his money problems, and the "un taco" from the HRWIKI:Caper jumbler.
• The giant chicken incident was here.
• Jibney and Trevor gags have been combined.
• Homestar says something close to what Strong Bad sain in a Marzipan's answering machine.
  • He also talks about a glop monster, which was a sign of failure in Jumpstart 1st grade, if you didn't put the right ingredients into the cooking machine.
• Pineapple and Pepperoni pizzas were once mentioned in another Dennis-written fanstuff, "Snailmail"
• The story behind the name "Borismihalovitch" comes from a cute stuffed labrodor retriver my family bought at Meijer years ago for a toy drive, which my dad named "Borismihalovitch". Since my older sister missed him so much, she named one of her teddy bears "Borismihalovitch II".