Fake Character Email Damian/New Town

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Email #1: New Town

Summary: It's time to meet Damian as he moves into Free Country USA with his Julsy Ten Million.

Cast: (in order of appearance): Damian, Strong Bad (offscreen), Strong Mad (offscreen), The Cheat (offscreen), Homestar, Coach Z, Senor Cardgage

Places: Damian's room, The Jail (Easter Egg)

Date: February 2nd, 2010

Transcript

{Cut to Damian's room. It is a mechanical wonder of technology... 1890's technology that is. There are chests strewn about the room with various living needs inside of them. In the middle of the room is a writing desk with a tall chair pulled up to it. Upon the desk is a computer-like contraption with a slightly hollow screen that reveals the gears spinning behind it. A steampipe is billowing off the top. In front of the computer is a typewriter with gold-lined keys. The computer hums as Damian enters looking about at the mess. Suddenly he stops as he looks towards the watcher.}

DAMIAN: My, what is that?

{Damian walks towards the watcher until he's so close that you can only see parts of his body. Suddenly, the camera starts jiggling around.}

DAMIAN: It appears that somehow people are watching me through this device. My, the curiosity of it! It's as if they want me to answer their questions in front of them! What an interesting town this Free Country USA is!

{The camera stops jiggling as Damian walks back towards his billowing computer.}

DAMIAN: Well as Old Man Witherspoon once said, "When in Rome, do as the Romans!"... or was that Old Man Jenkins? I get them all so confused. Anyway, I shall have to check this electronic mail that is so popular in this town. Away!

{Damian springs into his chair causing it to slide a bit. In response, he scoots it back in front of the computer. The keys to the typewriter begin to click as Damian types "Electronic_Mail.exe" and hits enter.}

DAMIAN: My what is with these old men? My goodness. Anyway, Pinochle, I just wanted to say that I personally disliked you breaking my stuff, but I guess it didn't matter due to my excellent repair skills.

{The sound of a coocoo clock breaking plays as a spring flies across the screen.}

DAMIAN: Except for that thing. By the by, why I left? Well, I needed a new taste in life. The world of Liverpool just confused me. People always used weird words of greeting there like "weirdo", "crazy", and "I-hope-you-get-shipped-off-to-Antartica". I'm sure they meant well, but I never really felt I could get used to it. Now here in Free Country USA, I feel that they may understa-

{Damian is interrupted by the sound of a loud pounding.}

STRONG BAD: {offscreen} Woah! Look at him go! You sent him flying! I think a pizza might be in order.

STRONG MAD: {offscreen} Label it for Da Cheat!

THE CHEAT: {offscreen} Meh mreh meh meh meh!

STRONG BAD: {offscreen} Oo! Good thinking! One pizza to eat and another to throw on Marzipan's garden. Let's go!

HOMESTAR: {offscreen} Save a slice for meeeeeeeeee!

{The camera zooms out as Homestar suddenly crashes through the window, startling Damian. Homestar's cap is displaced and he has several bruises as well as a glass shard sticking out of him. He swiftly stands up and looks back and forth.}

HOMESTAR: Oo. This is new. I usually land somewhewe neaw the The Stick when Stwong Mad hits me to hawd.

DAMIAN: Well, it is a recently built structure.

HOMESTAR: Oh. Then why wasn't it hewe yestewday?

DAMIAN: I hired the construction crew from Alvarna.

HOMESTAR: Oh those guys. Yeah, I figuwed. Oo! Look at this thingy!

{Homestar runs offscreen and cranking sounds are heard. Damian quickly stands up and runs after Homestar.}

DAMIAN: Wait wait wait, don't touch that!

HOMESTAR: {offscreen} And look at that!

{Homestar and Damian run across the screen to the other side.}

'DAMIAN: Don't you touch my discombobulator!

HOMESTAR: {offscreen} And cool!

{Homestar runs across once more with Damian following a bit tired out. He stops center and pants.}

DAMIAN: N-Not my... my... Wait. I forgot what that thing's called.

HOMESTAR: {offscreen} Hey look!

{Homestar runs across again and the sound of a breaking window followed by a thud is heard.}

DAMIAN: That's the window.

HOMESTAR: {offscreen} I figuwed.

DAMIAN: Well okay then...

{Damian sits back down.}

DAMIAN: Well that was quite a ruse. Perhaps moving here wasn't the best idea. Um, I hate to ask this Pinochle, but would you happen to have 215 pounds for which to purchase a train ticket back to Liverpool? If you do, just remember to have the proper amount of stamps. Until then, I guess I'll have to learn these people's ways. Who knows? Perhaps one of them with understand me.

{Coach Z leans in.}

COACH Z: Dort it!

{Coach Z leans out.}

DAMIAN: Mummy, I feel scared.

{Senor Cardgage leans in.}

SENOR CARDGAGE: Don't burry Dricoma, I haves the watch in Norway.

{Senor Cardgage leans out.}

DAMIAN: Pinochle. I hope you have that money.

{An inky and faded sheet suddenly rolls down from the top of the screen. When it reaches far enough, it stops with a loud ding. In ink, it displays "Disturb Damian here!"}

DAMIAN: The Sheet?! I thought you were on my side!

{Damian rocks back and forth like a baby.}

Easter Eggs

  • Click Pinochle at the end to see the result of Coach Z and Senor's creepiness.

{Cut to The Jail. Coach Z is sitting while Senor Cardgage is sticking his head in the window. In the opposite window is Strong Bad wearing a police outfit.}

COACH Z: I swore officear! I thought the ployce was abearndoned!

STRONG BAD: Cut it you slackey. The judge has ordered you to speaking lessons for an entire year on account of that trial of yours.

COACH Z: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEE!

SENOR CARDGAGE: Greek in the extreme your bloner...

STRONG BAD: Why are you still here?

{Cut back to Damian}

Fun Facts

  • Damian's room and computer are made in the style of Steampunk, a genre of art and design popular in the 80's and late new millenium.
  • Damian breaks the fourth wall by acknowledging that he is being watched.
  • Old Man Jenkins, and Old Man Withers are both Scooby-Doo Villains.
  • Email is short for electronic mail
  • Liverpool is a city in England. All four of The Beatles were born there and it is regarded largely as a port town.
  • Lampwick is a character from the children's book, Pinocchio and the subsequent movie adaptation by Disney.
    • "I hope he gets shipped off to Antartica" is a line from the play adaptation of Pinocchio to describe the carpenter of Pinocchio, Geppetto.
  • Pinochle is a card game that involves stealing cards.
  • Strong Bad mentions pizzas as well as messing with Marzipan
  • Alvarna is a city from the DS game, Rune Factory 2. In it, there are contruction crews that can build a barn in twenty-four hours and a school in 3 days.
  • Discombobulate means to confuse.
  • 215 pounds equals approximately 300 US Dollars
  • If an improper amount of stamps are placed on an envelope, it is sent back. Damian pokes fun at this with his line.
  • Damian shows his british origins by saying mummy instead of mommy.
  • Norway is a country in Europe.
  • The Sheet is Damian's version of The Paper.
  • Senor Cardgage improperly quotes a famous prosecution statement in the Easter Egg. The proper quote is "Foolishness in the extreme your honor!"
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