(The Competing Brand) Other Character Email Bubs/1
From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki
{Open: Bubs, in his concession stand, holding a letter in his hand. He reads it off.}
Dear Bubs,
Why did you go into business? Did you ever
have any other career options before becoming
a salesman?
- Skubs
BUBS: Occupations?
{Cut: Bubs firing a machine gun wildly in a jungle.}
BUBS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
{A shell whizzes past him and explodes in the background. Bubs leaves his post and goes to where the shell exploded. A man is lying face down in the mud.}
BUBS: Oh no, oh GOD no...
{Bubs turns over the man. Cut: Bubs' face, which is a look of horror and then despair. He looks to the heavens.}
BUBS: Not Geoffrey...
{Another shell snaps Bubs back to reality, who stumbles and scampers off.}
{Cut back.}
BUBS: None. Not one ever.
{Homestar walks on up.}
HOMESTAR: Not one what?
BUBS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
{Bubs punches Homestar.}
HOMESTAR: Bubsiman, what was that for?
BUBS: You cornered me! I had no choice!
HOMESTAR: But what about that deal we had?
BUBS: The deal is off!
{Beat.}
HOMESTAR: So anyway, so anyway, so anyway, not one what?
BUBS: Not one other career.
HOMESTAR: What about stand-up comedy?
BUBS: That's for hippies and drop-outs!
HOMESTAR: Yeah! Hippies and drop-outs! They should be locked up!
BUBS: Locked up!
HOMESTAR: Locked up!
{Cut: A comedy club. Homestar kicks the door in, with a flashlight.}
HOMESTAR: Alright, boys-around-the-town, this party's over!
STRONG MAD: BUT I WAS ENJOYING THE SHOW
HOMESTAR: You're all hippies!
{Pom Pom ambles in behind Homestar.}
POM POM: {bubbles}
HOMESTAR: No, Pom Pom, I'm pretty sure everybody here is on at least two drugs.
POM POM: {bubbles}
HOMESTAR: Yes, Pom Pom, I know what drugs are. Now back, everybody! Or I will be forced to use dreadful force.
POM POM: {bubble}
HOMESTAR: Deadly. Now out of here, you all!
{The King of Town , Marzipan, Strong Mad, and Strong Sad all file out.}
KING OF TOWN: I'm just an old man, don't hurt me!
HOMESTAR: Buster Brown, don't clown around!
MARZIPAN: I resent that hippy comment. We're breaking up.
HOMESTAR: Recite the alphabet backwards!
STRONG MAD: THIS WAS MY FAVORITE COMEDIAN
HOMESTAR: Wash your mouth!
STRONG SAD: Every time I have a little bit of joy in my life, it's taken down by The Man.
HOMESTAR: Yeah, yeah, move along, move along!
POM POM: {bubbles}
HOMESTAR: ...Hey, did you hear that Pom Pom? I'm The Man!
{Cut: A poster of Homestar in red and yellow labeled simply "THE MAN" is slapped on the side of Bubs'. Zoom out: Homestar slapped the poster up, in Homestramy gear. }
BUBS: What are you doing with my wall?
HOMESTAR: Getting the word out about how The Man I am!
BUBS: Is this gonna take long? I'm still trying to answer this person's email. I haven't gotten around to the opening of my business, or how I truly became a Self-Made Man!
HOMESTAR: As The Man, I declare myself to be more interesting than you.
BUBS: Then you'll have to pony up for more minutes on MY SHOW.
HOMESTAR: No way! Montage!
{MONTAGE: Homestar at a podium, banging on it with a spoon.}
{MONTAGE: Homestar kicking over the tire in Strongbadia.}
{MONTAGE: Homestar erecting a statue of himself next to the stick.}
{MONTAGE: Homestar knocks on Strong Bad's door, and gives them a note. The Strongs leave, and Homestar walks in.}
{Cut: The Strongs, sitting in the on-point kings area, now covered by THE MAN posters.}
STRONG BAD: Man, what are we gonna do now?
THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}
STRONG MAD: WE SHOULD BUILD A MOAT
STRONG BAD: No! Why are you so obsessed with moats lately?
STRONG SAD:
STRONG BAD: Shut up, Strong Sad. What we need to do is take charge!
STRONG MAD: YEAH!
STRONG BAD: We need to show Homestar who's who!
THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noise!}
STRONG BAD: We need a leader! And that leader is
{Cut: Bubs.}
BUBS: Me! I'm taking this email show back!
HOMESTAR: Bubs, I'm shutting this email show down!
BUBS: Why?
HOMESTAR: We have video evidence of your hippie years!
{Cut: Bubs in his hippie counterculture years performing stand-up.}
BUBS: and the guy wouldn't take a free hug! Sorry, did I say hug? I meant drugs.
{Silence}
BUBS: And what about suits? Aren't they
{Cut: Bubs stand-up in 70s. He is wearing an orange leisure suit.}
BUBS: awesome?
{Silence. A disco ball drops on Bubs' head, who falls over. Coach Z is heard laughing.}
{Zoom out, Coach Z is watching the video on an old television.}
COACH Z: {laughs} Now that's good stuff there. I wonder if there's more places I can get this...
NARRATOR: And now there is!
COACH Z: What do you mean?!
NARRATOR: If you sign up for our service, a delivery man will come to your residence once a week to deliver one (1) funny VHS tape. You will have to return your old one.
COACH Z: But I'm a sad old man! How can I pay for this service?
NARRATOR: By giving us money,
COACH Z: But I don't have a
{A nondescript delivery man busts down the door, to an outpouring of smoke, with a VHS tape in his hand. He grabs Coach Z and forces his eyes open to watch the video.}
NARRATOR: Now pay up! At 200% interest.
{Coach Z takes off running.}
{Cut: Coach Z hiding behind a bush.}
NARRATOR: You can't hide, Coach Z! YOU CAN'T HIDE WHAT'S INSIDE
{The delivery man comes after Coach Z with a butterfly net.}
{Pan: Pom Pom standing alone.}
POM POM: {bubbles}
{Pom Pom gets a call on his cell phone.}
POM POM: {bubbles}
{Pom Pom bounces off-screen.}
{Cut: Pom Pom and Strong Bad.}
STRONG BAD: Basically, what we're saying is if we could live inside you.
POM POM: {bubbles}
STRONG BAD: No, no, you got me wrong! What I mean is can we literally live inside of your bosdy. I mean, look:
{Strong Bad punches Pom Pom and his entire arm is sucked in. Pom Pom pulls his arm out and bounces away. Strong bad turns to the other Strongs and shakes his head.}
STRONG BAD: Looks like that leaves us only one more option...
{Cut: The Cheat angrily slamming the lid on his grill down.}
STRONG BAD: Aw come on! Okay, we're left with only OTHER other option...
{Cut: The Strongs in a dark room lit only by a low-watt lamp that swings and flickers. Strong Bad unrolls a blueprint.}
STRONG BAD: Okay, here's the gameplan.
1. DUMPFACE INFILTRATES CASTLE
STRONG BAD: Dumpface, you bring the King of Town some of your fancy french foods, like a Soup-flea, and make sure the door is unlocked and the drawbridge is lowered.
STRONG SAD: I am going to assume you meant a literal Soup Flea.
STRONG BAD: Then leave, because you'll be needed outside for the rest of this plan.
2. GRAW MAD PERFORMS THE KING OF TOWN-PUT
STRONG BAD: This part is routine. Strong Mad, see if you can land him in the 100 yard range.
STRONG MAD: WHAT ABOUT THE MOAT?
STRONG BAD: Uggghhhh fine, you can throw him in the moat. Headfirst, though.
3. LOCK DOWN CASTLE
STRONG BAD: Then me and Strong Mad secure the area.
STRONG SAD: Wait, what do I do?
STRONG BAD: What, you want me to think of EVERY LITTLE THING?
{Cut: The Poopsmith. He looks at the camera, shrugs, and turns back. Cut back.}
STRONG BAD: So that's this then.
{Strong Bad rolls up his blueprint and leaves.}
{SCENES MISSING}
{Strong Bad, covered in opulence, sitting in a throne in the King of Town's castle.}
STRONG BAD: Tommorow, we go to war with Homestar! But today... eh.
