The Nerd Patrol

From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki

{Open on Homestar standing in the field. Strong Sad and Homeschool run in from nearby}

STRONG SAD: Good morning, citizen!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {Bored} Oh, hey Strong Sad, Homeschool.

STRONG SAD: It's me, Twelve Times A Day Man! And my sidekick Armless Lad!

HOMESCHOOL WINNER: {Stepping in front of Strong Sad} What he means is, Knowledge Man and his sidekick, Grey Lad.

STRONG SAD: What? Grey Lad?

HOMESCHOOL WINNER: We can't both be the hero!

STRONG SAD: Oh... I'm older!

HOMESCHOOL WINNER: No you're not!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: You know what I think?

STRONG SAD: {Ignoring him} Twelve Times A Day Man!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yeah, I think that...

HOMESCHOOL WINNER: Knowledge Man!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Yeah, that's what I think...

{Strong Bad and The Cheat walk past}

STRONG BAD: Oh look, The Cheat, it's the nerd patrol!

{Both laugh. Strong Sad and Homeschool stop arguing and stare after them}

STRONG SAD: Let's just go with that.

{A montage of images are shown as the opening credits: Homeschool teaches a class containing Homestar, the King of Town, Homsar, The Cheat and Strong Mad. Strong Sad and Homeschool attend a convention of some kind. Strong Sad looks at something through a microscope, then something else. Strong Sad and Homeschool are in space near the International Space Station. There is a shot of Homeschool alone against an abstract background, with the camera positioned quite low. His name is at the bottom of the image. Then there is a similar shot of Strong Sad. Strong Sad and Homeschool pose together, with Strong Sad smiling and pointing to the left, and Homeschool leaning to the right with his mouth open. This image is then shaded, and the words "Nerd Patrol" appear at the bottom}

SINGERS: Fighting the fight against idiocy! Nerd Patrol! Never just trusting in what they see! Nerd Patrol! They have a combined IQ Of two-ninety-two Nerd Patrol! Nerd Patrol!

ANNOUNCER: And now, the Nerd Patrol, staring Strong Sad and Homeschool Winner. Today's episode: The Beginning.

{Strong Sad and Homeschool are in their secret base, also known as Strong Sad's bedroom. There is a whiteboard up on the wall. It reads "Priorities: Get better theme song". Strong Sad is standing up, while Homeschool is sitting on Strong Sad's bed}

HOMESCHOOL WINNER: I told you we'd make a better superhero team than Spider-Man.

STRONG SAD: Could Spider-Man really be called a superhero team? He's just one person!

HOMESCHOOL WINNER: {Getting off the bed and pacing} We won't resort to making a deal with the devil to save our dying aunt and erase our years of happiness with our girlfriend and move back in with our aunt even though we're in our thirties because some jerks thinks we'd be more relatable that way! No! We'll get help from our friends with healing powers, and if they won't help us, we'll make them help us!

STRONG SAD: {Short pause} Whatever you say, Homeschool. Okay, we need to find a crime to solve. {Writes "Find crime to solve" on whiteboard} Any ideas?

{Homeschool produces a folder labelled "known criminals". He opens it on a picture of Strong Bad, Strong Mad and The Cheat. They are circled with an arrow pointing to them. The label reads "criminals???".}

HOMESCHOOL WINNER: {Jabbing the picture with a pointer for emphasis} Criminals!

STRONG SAD: Well, everyone knows that. Strong Bad even has a subscription to Petty Crook Weekly. {Holds up an old copy of Petty Crook Weekly}

HOMESCHOOL WINNER: You're living with the villain!

STRONG SAD: I wouldn't really call Strong Bad a villain. He's more of an... antihero.

HOMESCHOOL WINNER: Whatever- We're going to catch them in the act of committing some crime. Here's the plan...

{Fade out}

{Title card: 1 second later}

{Everything is the same as before}

HOMESCHOOL WINNER: -ou hide a hidden camera on Strong Mad's wrist while he's asleep. We've hooked up the hidden camera to a closed circuit television, and when we see them doing something illegal, we'll hand the video in to the authorities. What do you think?

STRONG SAD: I don't know, Homeschool, that sounds... really dangerous. Why don't we just go see what they're doing now?

{He exits. Homeschool follows}

HOMESCHOOL WINNER: {Mostly to himself} But isn't that more dangerous?

{Cut to the side of Bubs' Concession Stand, where Strong Bad, Strong Mad and The Cheat are spraypainting pictures of farm animals}

STRONG BAD: Oh man, this next one's gonna be awesome. I was thinking of painting a chicken, you know, with its head cut off but still alive, it'll gross people out a little...

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}

STRONG MAD: A COW! A HORSE!

{Strong Sad and Homeschool arrive.}

STRONG SAD: {pointing} Halt, evildoers!

{During Strong Bad's next line, Homeschool looks around, uproots some grass, and uses it to point at the On-Point Kings.}

STRONG BAD: Wah! It's— Oh, it's just you guys. What do you want?

HOMESCHOOL WINNER: You're under arrest for defacement of property!

THE CHEAT: {Dismissive The Cheat noises}

HOMESCHOOL WINNER: C-citizen's arrest?

{Strong Mad picks up Strong Sad in one hand and Homeschool in the other, and throws them out of shot.}

STRONG BAD: {Laughs} Good work, big bro. Now where were we...

{Strong Sad and Homeschool land near the Stick.}

STRONG SAD: I guess we should've called the police first.

HOMESCHOOL WINNER: Or used hidden cameras.

{Strong Sad produces a phone and dials it}

{Cut to the side of Bubs' Concession Stand. Strong Bad, Strong Mad and The Cheat are still there. Homestar approaches}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {Looking away} Well well well, what do we have here?

STRONG BAD: {Annoyed} Homestar, we're over here.

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {Looks around and sees the graffiti} That drawing quality is way below the legal limit! I'm gonna have to ask you guys to come with me.

STRONG BAD: What? Crappy drawing is illegal? {Looks at the drawings} They're not even that poorly drawn!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Resisting arrest, eh?

{He handcuffs Strong Bad and starts to pull him out of shot. Strong Mad and The Cheat follow.}

STRONG BAD: You set me up! You— Hey, what happened to those siren noises you used to make?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: Oh... It's in the shop.

{Homestar drags Strong Bad past Strong Sad and Homeschool}

STRONG SAD: Looks like we saved the day.

HOMESCHOOL WINNER: And not a deal with the devil in sight!

STRONG SAD: Uh... Yeah. Go Nerd Patrol, I guess...

{They pose in the same way they did in the opening}