Shim-Sham-Stuff/December07

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Contents

Summary

Strong Bad and Marzipan pair up together again to discuss the obscenities of Christmas.

Cast (in order of appearance): Strong Bad, Marzipan, Coach Z, Stinkoman, Bubs, Homestar Runner, Homsar, Strong Mad, The King of Town, Strong Sad (voice/Easter Egg)

Transcript

{Wintery music plays as snow can be seen against a black background. The following appears.}

"Decemberween, Decemberween... Why is the word 'Christmas' so obscene?" - Joshua

{Cut to Strong Bad and Marzipan in front of the set from what I want.}

STRONG BAD: Hello, everypeoples. You all know who I am, right?

MARZIPAN: And my name is Marzipan.

STRONG BAD: Seriously, all of y'all do know who I am, right?

MARZIPAN: {lowers eyes} Strong Bad, that's enough.

STRONG BAD: Oh, way to spoil the fun, Marzipan!

MARZIPAN: I've already said my name!

STRONG BAD: Man, you take the fun out of everything!

MARZIPAN: Look, let's just forget this dispute and go on with what we have agreed to do together.

STRONG BAD: Okay, but this doesn't mean you've won the argument! {pause} Yet!

MARZIPAN: So, {faces camera} today, Strong Bad and I have decided to discuss something that I believe all people should know.

STRONG BAD: Yeah. It explains the basis of our traditions, or whatever you prefer to call it. In other words, we're going to be talking about why-

COACH Z: {off-screen} Bathroom doors should remain open at all times!!!

{Strong Bad and Marzipan look to the left, weirded out.}

STRONG BAD: Who let Coach Z in here?

MARZIPAN: Actually, I wonder where this set is. For all we know, this may be part of Coach Z's... house... hold?

STRONG BAD: Right... Anyway, after we kick Coach Z out, we're going to discuss why we forbid "Christmas." Now, onto kicking an old, creepy man out!

{Strong Bad runs off-screen. Fade to black. The word "Christmas" appears onscreen.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Let's start with the basics: The word itself makes the "idea" so... illegal.

MARZIPAN: {voiceover} Strong Bad and I believe that the word is detrimental to the education of younger children.

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Assuming that these "younger children" still exist.

MARZIPAN: {voiceover} The problem with the word is the "T" in the word "Christmas."

{The "T" in "Christmas" is bolded.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} What's worse to these "younger children" than a word that probably messes up your learning to speak like normal people? I mean, seriously. Why make a word with a "T" if that "T" isn't pronounced at all?

{The words "Why not Chrissmas?" appear.}

MARZIPAN: {voiceover} This discrepancy will definitely confuse younger children and encourage them in making mistakes in pronouncing words. For example, they'll pronounce the word "spices" as "sices."

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Yeah, yeah, nobody cares about spices. Now, another weird thing about the word is the way people call it "X-Mas."

{"X-Mas" appears on the screen.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Instead of "Ex-Mas," people still pronounce it as "Christmas." What, do you say other words with X's by saying "Chris?" Oh, yeah! I can see that making sense!

{Cut to Stinkoman doing a double deuce. The Stinkoman theme song is heard in the background. Cut to Stinkoman running across a field before jumping into the air with a flash. The "Stinkoman 20X6" logo appears.}

STINKOMAN: {off-screen} Twenty-Chris-y-SIX!!!

{Cut back to Strong Bad and Marzipan.}

MARZIPAN: But verbal discrepancies are not the only fault of Christmas, right Strong Bad?

STRONG BAD: Wha? Were you talking to me?

{Marzipan lowers her eyes.}

MARZIPAN: As I was saying, a fault with Christmas is that people can become financially ruined without any knowledge.

STRONG BAD: Yes, indeed. Notice how stores and malls are compelled to play those Christmas carols that you can't get enough of? Well, guess what the actual purpose of playing those repetitive songs are?

{Silence.}

STRONG BAD: That's right! Hypnosis! How else can they rip you off of your allowance and stuff?

{Cut to Bubs at his concession stand filled with "holiday merchandise." Homestar walks up to the concession stand.}

BUBS: Hey, Homestar! Planning to spend your money on some of my crazy crap today?

HOMESTAR: No, not today. I promised Marzipan to not be late and to make sure not to buy her anything stupid this year, so, that's what I'm doing?

BUBS: {thinking} Crap... He's not interested. Time for Plan C!

{Bubs gets out a pile of boomboxes and turns them all on. All of the boomboxes play Christmas carols at a very high volume. Suddenly, Homestar gets a dazed look on his face.}

HOMESTAR: {monotone} Must... buy... crazy... crap...

BUBS: Yes, you do that! So, here's item #1!

{Bubs gets out a human ear colored green and red.}

BUBS: We have here a Holiday Ear! Very traditional gift! And it's available for a low, low, LOW price of $250! Take it or die!

{Cut back to Strong Bad and Marzipan.}

MARZIPAN: For the record, that ear present was atrocious.

STRONG BAD: Yeah, yeah, whatever. So, you get the point. Christmas carols are evil!

MARZIPAN: Not necess-

STRONG BAD: Now, here is the third reason why Christmas is illegal! And we'll demonstrate with a Christmas song!

MARZIPAN: We had to look around the entire country to find a track for this song, but I believe it's worth it.

STRONG BAD: {whispering} What "country?"

{Marzipan shrugs off what Strong Bad says and gets out a remote. After she presses a button, a rather upbeat intro plays before the following is sung.}

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,
But the very next day, you gave it away...

{Marzipan pushes a button on the remote to stop the song.}

MARZIPAN: Now, doesn't that seem wrong to you?

STRONG BAD: According to this song, the practice of ripping out one's heart and distributing it to people is apparently part of Christmas tradition.

MARZIPAN: And if that's so, then I can't think of a reason why average people would want to practice this bloody ritual, which overall, amounts to nothing.

STRONG BAD: Actually, that sounds pretty cool. A holiday of blood!

MARZIPAN: {annoyed} Quiet, Strong Bad. {normal} Anyways, we can only think of one group of people who would actually enjoy the distribution of people's hearts:

{Cut to Bubs' Concession Stand draped in black velvet.}

MARZIPAN: {voiceover} The black market.

{Bubs appears behind the bloody counter with a throbbing object wrapped in bloodied leather.}

BUBS: My, this is a healthy one! I'd better make this the deal of the day!

{Homsar wobbles up to Bubs' Concession Stand.}

HOMSAR: StoOoOoOoOoOp in the name of love! I've got a fine cornucopia to pick with you yesterday!

BUBS: {alarmed} Whah! This isn't what it looks like! I swear! {stammers} Uh, uh, uh... I've got fresh peaches!

{Silence.}

BUBS: Uh, yes! I'm not selling organs! Psshf! I'm selling fresh produce! Lookie here!

{Bubs gets out a cooler labeled "EXHIBIT D" and places it on the counter.}

BUBS: Yeah! These are definitely not hearts donated or ripped out! What kind of soulless person would do that, huh? These are peaches! And nobody died for these peaches, I swear!

{Cut back to Strong Bad and Marzipan.}

STRONG BAD: Nevertheless, Bubs sells the coolest stuff when he's doing that black market thing!

MARZIPAN: {alarmed} Are you telling me that you endorse the illegal sale of hearts???

STRONG BAD: What? No! No! Bubs sells much more stuff than that! {mutters} Like your legs...

{Marzipan looks bemused.}

MARZIPAN: O... kay... Well... {faces camera} We have one more item to talk discuss, and I believe this is a major factor in why Christmas is obscene! {pause} Well, not as major as selling h-

STRONG BAD: {annoyed} Will you please get over that? Sheesh! We're wasting time here!

MARZIPAN: Okay. Well, now, we're going to be talking about the revered icon of Christmas, Santa Claus.

{An image of Santa Claus appears on the screen.}

STRONG BAD: Man, that old guy is creepy, and fat! And he's probably very uncool and uncouth! Not to mention he's wearing red! Sheesh! I can't think of a being who is as repulsive as this creepy old man!

MARZIPAN: Um... Anyway, here is another song that we had to look around the country...

STRONG BAD: {muttering} "Country"... psshf!

MARZIPAN: ...in order to find! It's a Christmas carol.

{The following is played.}

Oh! You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why:

Santa Claus is coming to town!

He's making a list,
He's checking it twice,
He's gonna find out
who's naughty or nice.

Santa Claus is coming to town!

He sees you when you're sleeping,
He knows when you're awake.

{The song is stopped. Cut back to Strong Bad and Marzipan.}

STRONG BAD: If it isn't enough that this "icon" is a creepy, old, fat man, he has a very disturbing habit! I mean really! Who else would see you when you're sleeping? A stalker, of course!

{Cut to an image of a creepy old man hovering over a sleeping Strong Bad on the couch in the Basement.}

STRONG BAD: {voiceover} Yeesh! I'd have nightmares in my nightmares!

{Cut back to Strong Bad and Marzipan.}

MARZIPAN: Aside from this strange habit, Santa Claus is known for his flying reindeer.

{Cut to an image of Santa Claus flying on his reindeer-driven sled.}

MARZIPAN: {voiceover} Does anyone find the pracice of subjecting these poor creatures to an extremely exhausting and dangerous task for hours and hours in the dark? This goes beyond animal cruelty! Besides! Reindeer deserve to be left in the wild in their natural habitat, not exploited like slaves for one's lazy content!

{Cut to Strong Bad and a panting Marzipan.}

STRONG BAD: Yeah, I'm sure no one cares.

{Marzipan looks insulted at Strong Bad.}

STRONG BAD: Then there's his well-known practice of breaking into people's houses through a chimney and wrongfully eating other people's milk and cookies without permission! My friends and losers, there is something seriously wrong with this old man! This man is just illegal, and I'm sure Strong Mad would agree!

{Cut to Strong Mad with the King of Town (dressed up as Santa Claus) in a headlock. Behind them is a broken fireplace. In front of them is a spilled glass of milk and crumbled pieces of eaten cookies.}

STRONG MAD: SPIT IT OUT!!! SPIT IT OUT!!!!!

THE KING OF TOWN: {afraid} Doo-hoo-hoo! I'm the Santaman! I mean no harm!

{Strong Mad begins whacking the headlocked King of Town in the head with a baseball bat.}

{Cut back to Strong Bad and Marzipan.}

STRONG BAD: So, everypeoples, let us summarize the points on why Christmas is forbidden, shall we?

MARZIPAN: Yes.

{Zoom in on Marzipan. What is said appears next to Marzipan.}

MARZIPAN: First of all, the word "Christmas" is detrimental to the education of younger children. Second of all, the Christmas carols can hypnotize people, leave them in financial ruin, and cause break-ups. Third, Christmas is a holiday where ripping out people's hearts and giving them away is supported. And don't forget that Santa Claus, the icon of the holiday, is a stalker, a burglar, and does not have a heart for the rights of poor animals!

{Cut back to Strong Bad and Marzipan.}

STRONG BAD: Yeah, I was going to say all of that. Well... {faces camera} You might have this question, "Why, then, do we celebrate Decemberween?" It's simple. What other holiday involves fights on top of Mt. Rushmore and...

{Strong Bad picks up a cardboard sword.}

STRONG BAD: ...the Sword of St. Olaf?

MARZIPAN: Where did you get that sword?

STRONG BAD: Oh, I bought it from Bub... Wah!!! His carols must've possessed me!

{Strong Bad promptly drops the "sword" in disgust.}

MARZIPAN: Well, with that over with, maybe you can answer our viewers' questions.

STRONG BAD: We have viewers?

MARZIPAN: {annoyed} Just answer the phone when it rings.

STRONG BAD: What phone?

{A phone ringing is heard. Strong Bad looks around before looking down and picking up the phone.}

STRONG BAD: What, viewer?

STRONG SAD: {from phone} I believe that everything you've said is completely wrong! You've used examples that are non-representative of the holiday, and have misinterpreted...

{Strong Bad hangs up the phone.}

STRONG BAD: Oops! It looks like our line got disconnected!

{The phone rings again. Strong Bad quickly gets out a pair of scissors and cuts the phone line.}

STRONG BAD: Literally.

MARZIPAN: Well, on this note, I guess our discussion is over. Join us next time, when we will be discussing the rights of pink bunnies and how they should not be eaten for Decemberween.

STRONG BAD: What are you, mad?!? There's no way I'm going to support that garbage!

{Marzipan angrily glares at Strong Bad. Fade to black. The following can be heard.}

STRONG BAD: {singing} Decemberween, Decemberween, you're fifty-five days after Halloween!

Easter Eggs

  • Click on "kick Coach Z out" to see a scene in the locker room.
  • Click on "Decemberween, Decemberween" to see a scene with Bubs and Strong Sad.

Fun Facts

Retrieved from "http://fanstuff.hrwiki.org/wiki/Shim-Sham-Stuff/December07"