Reality is a Harsh Mistress/Chapter 5
From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki
Homestar forced his eyes open for the hundred and twenty seventh time, then let them close. Marzipan was still talking words at him, and he was so bored. He wished the world would hurry up and go back to the way it was. He was getting impatient.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"
Homestar opened his eyes. That sounded like something interesting and fun! He glanced out the window and caught a glimpse of someone running past.
"Victor, are you listening to me?" Marzipan was saying. "I said, I think you have amnesia."
"No," said Homestar. "Who's that guy?"
He used his arm to point out the window.
"That sounded like my brother Carlos," said Strong Sad uncertainly.
"Oh Strong Sad, you don't have a brother named Carlos!" laughed Homestar.
Strong Sad was quiet for a second, then he said, "How about Strong Mad?"
"Yeah, I think you have one of those," said Homestar, losing interest.
"Homestar, how do you know he used to be called that?" said Strong Sad. "You didn't move here until eighth grade!"
"Uh... cause that's what everyone called him?" said Homestar. Even he knew that was a stupid question.
Then the doorbell rang.
"I'll get it, I guess," said Strong Sad, standing up and leaving the room. A few seconds later, Homestar heard the kid who looked like The Cheat say, "You see Carlos run past here?"
"Oh, what are you two doing here?" said Strong Sad, from the hall. "And why are you wearing those boxing gloves?"
"I'd ask you the same questions, Dumpoman," said Strong Bad's voice. "Except for the... boxing gloves one. I mean... Uh..."
Homestar heard a thump.
"Ow!" said Strong Sad. "I'm here because Michelle invited me over!"
"What?" said Strong Bad, coming into the living room with The Cheat. "The Cheat! You told me this was Marzipan's house!"
"Daniel, get out my house," said Marzipan coldly.
"Oh," said Strong Bad. "Hey, where I come from, people barge into people's houses all the time!"
"You come from here," said Marzipan.
"That's what you think, but—"
"Have you people seen Carlos or not?" said The Cheat, thumping the sofa.
Strong Sad came in, pressing his head with one hand. Homestar laughed. He was stupid looking.
"He just ran past here," he said. "Do you have any ice? First my nose and now my temple..."
"Shut up," said Strong Bad impatiently.
"Let me get you some ice, Tristan," said Marzipan, glaring at Strong Bad again. "Victor, make sure they don't steal anything, okay?"
"Don't do wha?" said Homestar, but Marzipan and Strong Sad had left.
"Come on, The Cheat," said Strong Bad. "At least now we know we're going in the right direction."
He pocketed something off of Marzipan's mantelpiece, and started to leave the room. Homestar stopped wondering what Marzipan had asked him to do, and realised that this might be his only chance to get out of here.
"Can I come?" he said, falling to his knees dramatically. "Pleeeaaase can I come? I'm so bored!"
"No," said Strong Bad.
"I'll be your best friend!" said Homestar.
"Even if I wanted you as a friend, I'll still say no," said Strong Bad. "Uh, wait, I guess if I wanted you as a friend, I'd—"
"Let him come!" said The Cheat impatiently. "Carlos could be in Tijuana by now!"
"Tijuana?" said Strong Bad. "Isn't that like, in Canada?"
The Cheat made a frustrated, squeaky sort of sound, and ran away. Strong Bad and Homestar followed him.
They were still wandering the streets at sundown. The Cheat was leading the way, since he was the only one who knew the place. Strong Bad noticed that he'd started to mutter stuff in The Cheat. It was almost cute, if you didn't know what he was saying.
"So... when're we gonna stop walking around in circles like this?" said Homestar. "I'm getting dizzy."
"Homestar, we are not walking around in circles," said Strong Bad. He hesitated. "So... The Cheat... Where are we going?"
"Dunno," said The Cheat. "I was following you. We've been down this street five times already."
"What?!" said Strong Bad.
That was the last time he ever trusted The Cheat to do something... He kicked at The Cheat, who dodged.
"Oh, he's probably halfway to Tijuana by now!" mocked Strong Bad, setting off down a bike path. "Stupid friggin' Cheats... Wasting my time..."
He could've been using that hour for something useful, like interrogating The Cheat's computer, or checking his email again, or like, getting Cheerleader's phone number and home address...
"Oooh, a detour," said Homestar, running ahead of Strong Bad. He turned a corner and disappeared from sight. A few seconds later, he returned.
"You guys have got to see this," he said breathlessly. "A real, live, black."
"Black what?" said Strong Bad.
"Just a black!" said Homestar.
Even though it was probably just Homestar being stupid, Strong Bad decided to take a look. If it was just a waste of time, it would at least give him an excuse to beat Homestar up. So they went down the path.
"See?" said Homestar.
"Whoa..." said Strong Bad, staring.
Homestar was right for once. There really was a black. A giant black stretching as far and high as Strong Bad could see. He had no idea why he hadn't seen it from the road.
"What is that?" said The Cheat.
"It's a black, of course!" said Homestar.
"It looks kinda like the uh, black at the sides of the real world," said Strong Bad, trying to figure out what it meant. "You know what I mean."
"Mah?" said The Cheat.
Homestar ran over, reached into the black, and pulled something out.
"And it has the words under it!" he said, showing them.
"What does 'rando' mean?" said The Cheat nervously. "Is that even a word?"
"That's one of the words from my website!" said Homestar, waving them around.
It was then that Strong Bad realised what was going on. Homestar could pick up the words from beneath the black, and that could mean only one thing. At least Homestar's head hadn't fallen off this time. Strong Bad glanced at Homestar, then at The Cheat, to see if they'd figured it out as well, but of course they hadn't.
The Cheat backed away slowly. Then he ran.
"The Cheat!" said Strong Bad, shaking his fist. "Come back here!"
The Cheat ignored him and continued running.
"Okay, fine!" yelled Strong Bad. "Maybe you'll find Strong Mad by running away like a little wimp!"
"Characters?" said Homestar, offering Strong Bad a word.
Strong Bad knocked it out of his hand.
"Not now!" he said. "Can't you see what's going on?"
"Uh..." said Homestar, trying to look as though he was thinking. "Nope. I got nothing."
"It's that virus!" said Strong Bad. "The one that infected my Compy!"
"Uh, wasn't that more like four hundred thousand viruses?" said Homestar.
"Whatever," said Strong Bad "What I'm saying is—"
Done well.
"What the- Who said that?" said Strong Bad, looking around.
We.
"Well that narrows it down!" said Strong Bad.
"Uh, Strong Bad? I think the air is talking to us," said Homestar.
We a the survivor of Great 2004 Shotgunning.
Strong Bad took a second to work out what had just been said.
"Oh, you're the virus!" said Strong Bad. "Get out of here!"
We likes here. This world we control down minutest. And soon have rest.
"Yeah, I don't speak idiot," said Strong Bad.
"But rest bad!" said Homestar suddenly. "Why do?"
Strong Bad punched himself in the head. Of course. He should've known.
we purpose merger. Bad range. Escape TV tonight.
"Homestar, what are they saying?" said Strong Bad.
"They said they escaped from your computer after Bubs shotgunned it, and then they merged together and went into The Cheat's computer, but they don't have enough range to control everything, and at the big game tonight, they're gonna go into the TV cameras and take over the world," said Homestar quickly.
"All that from 'We purpose merger', huh? said Strong Bad.
"Of course not!" said Homestar. "All that from 'Escape TV tonight!'"
"Uh, if I was a reality bending virus, I think I'd do something a little more useful and cool than make everything... all generic looking," said Strong Bad, rubbing his chin. "How come we're the only ones who remember, anyway?"
Unawake. No conscious attack.
"So... Me and Stupid over here remember because we were asleep at the time?" guessed Strong Bad.
Correct. When TV multiply, all minds have.
"Well, whatever," said Strong Bad. He started to walk back towards what passed as reality. "Come on, we better get rid of the virus before it takes over the world."
Fast not.
Homestar sat down. Onto thin air.
"Homestar, what are you—"
"These are some great marshmallows, eh Pom Pom?" said Homestar, in a strange voice.
"What?" said Strong Bad. "Pom Pom's not even here!"
"Why don't you look over there," continued Homestar. "For no reason."
He made a sucking noise, and Strong Bad remembered when Homestar had sounded like that.
"Oh no..." he muttered, then his Mexican accent got a lot more pronounced. "Oh, look at the babies! Eating their marshmallows!"
"Uh oh, it's the Brothers Strong!" said Homestar. "Strong Bad and Strong Mad!"
Over at the athletics field, Coach Z was scanning the streets and panicking. He'd got all the cameras set up, only to find that Victor hadn't arrived yet. Nobody seemed to know where he was. Not even Michelle, though she was refusing to even speak to him again. The game was going to start in fifteen minutes!
"Where's Victor got to?" he said to the air. "He's the Homestar Runner, for cripe's sake!"
The little Cheat kid who always followed Dan around nearly ran into him.
"Oh!" said Coach Z. "The Cheat! Have you seen Victor anywhere?"
"I could tell you..." sad The Cheat. "For a price."
"All I gots are these old used tissues," said Coach Z, digging them out of his pocket and offering them to The Cheat, who winced.
"Just tell me where Carlos is!" he said.
"Oh," said Coach Z. "He's in the locker room."
He'd had a hard time convincing Carlos not to climb into a locker and hide. Those things were expensive, probably.
"Merraneh!" said The Cheat, running for the locker room.
"Wait!" said Coach Z. "You forgot to tell me where my star athlete is!"
"There somewheres," said The Cheat, pointing to the west.
Coach Z wiped his forehead. All this was really tiring him out, and he needed a drink badly. He wished Dan hadn't taken his Listerine.
Back at the edge of the universe, a legend was being played out.
"Now how about my star back, Strong Bad?" said Homestar.
Strong Bad responded by mumbling and making a few tearing motions with his hands. When he was finished, Homestar kicked the air to the right of Strong Bad's head, then Strong Bad fell down. Homestar made a few more kicking motions.
"Homestar... RUN!"
Strong Bad sat up and rubbed his head, though he was completely unhurt.
"Is it over?" he asked in a more natural voice.
"Yeah, I think so," said Homestar. "Wasn't that fun, Strong Bad?"
Strong Bad failed to react, so Homestar repeated himself.
"Wasn't that fun? ...Strong Bad?"
"Uh, hello and welcome to The King of Town special edition DVD," said Strong Bad in his old voice. "I'm your host..."
"Now that is just pathetic," said Homestar. "The King of Town? You know you can do better than that!"
Author's Notes
- I may revise this chapter later. I don't think I did a very good job revising it now.
- As I said on Chapter 1's talk page, Marzipan's name here doesn't have any specific meaning. It was that, or call her Melissa, and I didn't want to do that.
- After read a bunch of Other Character Emails, it has come to my attention that using the virus as a villian is a cliche. I didn't know that when I wrote this chapter. But I'm not doing an email show of any description, so I should be fine, right?
- The next chapter will be the last.
