Reality is a Harsh Mistress/Chapter 2
From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki
Dan returned to the field. He felt only slightly better, since he still couldn't remember anything that he hadn't made up.
"Okay," he said. "I'll ask this one more time. What game are we playing here?"
"Well," began Coach Z.
"It's America's pastime!" interrupted the Homestar Runner moronically.
"Of course it is!" said Coach Z.
"Oh," said Dan. "That's what we're playing."
Normally, or whatever, Dan wasn't even on the stupid team. Being on the same team as Homestar Runner was beneath his dignity. But obviously, he'd made that up as well.
Practice turned out to be both boring and frustrating. Not only did The Homestar Runner upstage Dan in everything he did, but everything he did made no sense. There were five different types of balls, three different types of goals, and points were scored for practically anything, up to and including beating up Str— Tristan. Not that Dan minded doing that.
Finally, they were paired up and instructed to toss basketballs to each other, for no reason that Dan could see. He was beginning to suspect that Coach Z was making it up as he went along. Dan had been paired with the Dumbstar Stupider for some reason, but it was a lot more fun and interesting to watch Tristan getting pelted with basketballs by Carlos. Now that was entertainment.
Suddenly, a ball flew towards him. Dan caught it reflexively.
"Come oooooon!" whined the Homestar Runner. "Throw the freaking baaaaall!"
"Okay, okay," said Dan. "Sheesh."
He threw the ball at the Homestar Runner, but it just bounced off his chest. Dan retrieved the ball and threw it again, harder. The Homestar Runner didn't move to catch it at all.
"Oh, I wasn't ready," he said.
Who would've thought anyone could be too stupid to catch a ball? Even Dan's imaginary Homestar wasn't that dumb. Most of the time. Dan sighed and threw the basketball at the Homestar Runner again. It made a satisfying thump as it hit him in the face.
"Ow!" the Homestar Runner said. "Um, I think your ball is broken."
"No, I think your brain is broken," said Dan. "You're supposed to catch it, stupid!"
"What's... catching?" said the Homestar Runner, narrowing his eyes and trying to look shrewd.
"You know," said Dan irritably. "When you hold out your hands before the ball, or the brick, or the safe smacks into you."
"Oooooh, my hands..." said the Homestar Runner, staring at them like he'd never seen them before. "Thanks, Strong Bad!"
"Yeah, stop talking now," said Dan, turning back to the entertainment just in time to see Tristan get his nose broken. Then he realised what he'd just heard. "Wait, what did you call me?!"
"Oh right, right," said the Homestar Runner. "I mean, um, I mean whatever your name is now."
"Call me that again!" said Dan.
Either he wasn't crazy after all, or the Homestar Runner was the exact same type of crazy. Dan hoped it was the first one. He'd never liked the name Dan. It sounded like the name of some loser who'd email him something stupid. And also, he hated this reality so far and wanted it go back to the way it was. He didn't feel nearly as awesome as usual around here.
"Call you what? Stong Bah?" the Homestar Runner was saying.
"Eh... Close enough," said Strong Bad, forcing himself to pay attention. Maybe Homestar knew something. "Homestar, do you have any idea what's going on?"
"I know I drank too much melonade last night," said Homestar.
Or maybe not.
"Last night," said Strong Bad. "When you still had no arms and I was still super hot and super, um, bald?"
"Something like that, I guess," said Homestar.
"And... What happened last night?" said Strong Bad.
"Well, I was just going home from Marshmallow's Last Stand when I remembered you stole my keys," said Homestar.
"Uh huh," said Strong Bad.
"So I went to visit the Poopsmith," continued Homestar.
"Gross."
"And then I decided to camp out at the ol' Athletics Field," said Homestar. "After I set fire to the bleachers somehow, I had a long nap. When I woke up, there was a bunch of grass stains all over me! So I tried to shake 'em off, but—"
"Wait," said Strong Bad. "You set fire to the bleachers."
"Yeah, right over there," said Homestar, jerking his head to the right.
Strong Bad looked. He noticed that some girls were sitting on the grass now, but no bleachers. He couldn't tell if they were hot from where he was standing, but they did look familiar. Maybe they were the cheerleaders.
"Homestar," he said, looking back at Homestar. "There never were any bleachers there."
"Oh," said Homestar. "Well, maybe I made that part up. But I did have some grass stains when I woke up!"
"Yeah, that's great," said Strong Bad. "So when you woke up, this crap was happening?"
"Yeah, pretty much. Marzipan just said I was hallucinating again," said Homestar. He squinted back at the imaginary bleachers. "Strong Bad, I think those girls are waving at you."
Strong Bad did a double take, then grinned. They were definitely waving. They could've been waving at Homestar, but what were the chances of that?
"I'll be right back," he said, throwing the ball at Homestar again. He almost caught it this time.
As Strong Bad got closer and saw who the girls were, his grin faded slightly. Now he knew why they looked familiar.
"It's an olda boy!" said So And So, before Cheerleader shoved her out of the way.
"I'm Jennifer, and they already have boyfriends!" said Cheerleader.
"Aw, why couldn't Ali and Ali's sister have been here instead?" said Strong Bad, mostly to himself. "On the other hand, you guys are a lot hotter as not stick figures."
"He called me hot..." said The Ugly One dreamily.
Strong Bad recoiled. The Ugly One still lived up to her name. Cheerleader, on the other hand... she was pretty good looking now that she had a nose. She was a few years younger than him, but so what? She was hot!
"Well uh, Jennifer," said Strong Bad in his best seductive voice, "Why don't you and I go someplace... makey-outier?"
Cheerleader stuck her tongue out at her friends as she and Strong Bad walked off.
"That guy wasn't wearing a shirt," observed What's Her Face.
"That guy wasn't wearing any underwear," replied The Ugly One.
So And So and What's Her Face gave her a weird look.
Back on the field, Coach Z had either run out of inane activities or passed out, which had stopped the exciting training action for the day. Homestar was compensating by having an inane conversation with Marzipan.
"Five days later, my jaw was still hurting," he said.
"You still haven't told me who Homsar is," replied Marzipan.
"Hey, Homestar," said Strong Bad, coming up behind Homestar and coughing discreetly. "You wouldn't happen to know where I could get some, uh, mouthwash, would you? Or a mint?"
It turned out that Cheerleader had really bad breath. Strong Bad decided to draw her getting FRESH BREATH'D when things went back to normal. Maybe that would help.
"Why don't you ask your magical computer?" said Homestar, turning his back on Marzipan.
"Hey, I never thought of that!" said Strong Bad, surprised. "Maybe the Lappy knows what's going on!"
"About mouthwash?" said Marzipan, who looked both confused and annoyed.
Strong Bad wondered whether he should make Homestar come with him. He was annoying, and an idiot, but at least he didn't think Strong Bad was crazy. He might even need some sort of lackey eventually, and he hadn't found The Cheat yet.
"Come on, El Dorko," said Strong Bad, exiting stage left.
"I'm the dorko!" said Homestar, following him.
"Don't forget the big game's on tonight!" said Coach Z suddenly, after Homestar almost tripped over him.
"Ooh, you mean the one with cameras from the television," said Homestar.
"Cameras?" said Strong Bad. He looked down at himself. "No way am I going on TV looking like this!"
"So I heard you were looking for some mouthwash there, Dan?" said Coach Z, producing a bottle of Listerine.
"Thanks, Coach," said Strong Bad, snatching the bottle. "I was wondering when you'd show your creepy side."
Strong Bad sat down in front of the Lappy and stared at the screen. The curser blinked on and off.
"Hello?" he said. "Lappy?"
The computer stayed silent.
"I made your favourite!" he said, holding a box of hushpuppies in front of the computer screen. He'd picked it up from some corner store he'd never seen before, but the Lappy didn't need to know that.
Still no response. Strong Bad glanced upwards.
"The Paper?" he said. "Preeeeoooow?"
Nothing happened. Shaken, Strong Bad looked back at the computer.
"Okay, let's try this," he said. He opened his email client while singing, "I'm gonna check, check my email..."
An email appeared onscreen, to Strong Bad's surprise. If strongbad_email.exe still worked, did that mean The Paper could still come down? He read the email aloud, the way he always did.
"Hey Dan. I need to crash at ur place for the night. That cool? From, Teh C."
Strong Bad stopped reading.
"Teh C? The Cheat?" he said, then started typing. Maybe he wouldn't need Homestar after all. "Sure thing, man. You can come over right now. And... bring some boxing gloves, okay?"
He sent the email. The Paper failed to come down.
"That was one short email," said Homestar, who was sitting on the edge of Strong Bad's desk. "I didn't even get to say anything funny."
"Okay, go ahead," said Strong Bad, leaning back and checking for The Paper again. He was fed up with Homestar's stupidity already.
"Uh... watermelon," said Homestar.
"Watermelon," said Strong Bad.
"Oh, wait," said Homestar, screwing up his face. "Cantaloupe...?"
His mouth moved for a few seconds.
"Oh no! I've lost my funny!" he said, jumping off the desk and running around the room.
Strong Bad ignored him. He was beginning to accept that maybe The Paper wasn't coming.
Author's Notes
- The alternate world is still not completely normal. The sport they play is still messed up. I did that mainly to preserve the characters' personalities.
- The next chapter will be from The Cheat's point of view.
