Fake Character Email Smartstripe Brainer/L.U.R.N.

From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki

Smartstripe Email #1

Brian’s question brings back “L.U.R.N.” related memories.

Cast: Smartstripe, Marzipan, Strong Mad, Homsar, Homestar, Strong Sad (Easter Egg)

Places: Living Room Desk, L.U.R.N. Academy

Date: 2/9/10

Computer: Brain-E 293

Page Title: The Brand-New Brain-E!

Transcript

{Smartstripe is standing in his living room, on a chair, holding a champagne bottle.}

SMARTSTRIPE: Welcome to my first email! Now, instead of showing you a long, drawn out way of how I got my computer, I’m just going to open this bottle of champagne and begin.

{He pops the cork, lets some fizz leak out of the bottle, and sits down at his computer desk. He sat down at his desk and types “Smartstripe_Email.exe”, then, this email comes up :}

subj: teaching

Dear Smartstripe,
If you hate all the stupid people in the world, why
dont you teach them all things that they need to know?
form,
Brian Letter

{reads “form” as is, reads “dont you teach them” as “don’t you use apostrophes” then corrects himself}

SMARTSTRIPE: {typing} Well, Brian. You of all people the correct way of differing “form” from “from.” I mean, your name is Brian LETTER! You should get smarter about what you should already know. But you bring up a good point. {Clears page} Your idea interests me. But I also did the same thing to just THREE of the world’s stupid people, and after failing at each, I needed a therapist for two months! Though, I will show you guys this life altering stories. Just going into this, I must warn you, I get vexed at any idiots that act stupid in front of me. It took all the restraint and counseling that I could muster just to not strangle the living souls out of their empty husks of a skull.

{Cut to Smartstripe inside the L.U.R.N. Academy, talking to Marzipan}

MARZIPAN: So, Smartstripe, do you know your job?

SMARTSTRIPE: Yes, I work with each student individually and give them attention in specific areas.

MARZIPAN: Good. Now there’s your first life blossom, waiting for its daily watering.

{The screen turns over to Strong Mad, Smartstripe walks up}

SMARTSTRIPE: Hi, there.

STRONG MAD: TEACHER MAN SHORT!

SMARTSTRIPE: Hey! {To himself} Easy, Smartstripe. This will pay off in the long run.

{Looks at Strong Mad, he has an eraser in his hand, he takes a bite out of it; Smartstripe looks angry, the calms himself}

SMARTSTRIPE: Now, Strong Mad, I’m going to teach you how to talk in a {whispers} softer voice.

STRONG MAD: {confused} DA?

SMARTSTRIPE: {normal volume, slower paced} I’m… going… to… teach… you… quiet… talk.

STRONG MAD: QUIET TALK BORING!

SMARTSTRIPE: But, can you talk quiet? {Pause} I bet you, um, five dollars that you can’t talk normal.

STRONG MAD: {quietly} SEE? NOW FIVE BUCKS!

SMARTSTRIPE: Ok, can you do that for the rest of your life?

STRONG MAD: NO WAY! {Picks up Smartstripe and throws him across the room}

{Cut to Smartstripe lying on a crushed table with art supplies everywhere; Marzipan walks up}

SMARTSTRIPE: See? I told you I’d be a smashing hit! {Chuckles}

MARZIPAN: That’s not funny, joking about a wilting blossom. Oh, well. Your next student is over in the alphabet section.

{Cut to Homsar surrounded by blocks and papers; Smartstripe walks up}

SMARTSTRIPE: {Nervous} So, Homsar, what’s your problem?

HOMSAR: My butter balls are living in the moment!

SMARTSTRIPE: {No longer nervous} Oh, you can’t talk right. Well here’s a sentence that you could say. The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.

HOMSAR: Super gramps are least from the corner!

SMARTSTRIPE: No, no, not at all. Like this. The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.

HOMSAR: Super gramps…

SMARTSTRIPE: {Cutting him off; Angry} NO! It’s easy! Rain, Spain, Main, Plain! {Breaths deeply; Marzipan walks up and gets angry}

MARZIPAN: {Holding back anger} Smartstripe, may I speak with you in private? {Marzipan and Smartstripe walk away}

HOMSAR: {Thinking in a deeper, more legible, voice} I thought I said that correctly. Oh, well.

{Cut to a wall, Marzipan is confronting Smartstripe}

MARZIPAN: {Angry} Listen up, Stripy! One more incident of you upsetting one of their fragile, little minds, and you’re out! Fired! Kaput! Got it?

SMARTSTRIPE: {Scared} Uh, ok, yes. Yes. I’ll do better!

MARZIPAN: Good. Now Homestar’s your last chance to do some good about around here.

SMARTSTRIPE: Ok! {Runs off}

{Fade out to words that say “Five Minutes Later”, When we fade back Smartstripe is looking angrily at Homestar, Homsar and Strong Mad are in the background playing with what looks like Playdough}

SMARTSTRIPE: {Very Angry} NO, YOU MORON! {Calming himself} Now repeat again. “R.”

HOMESTAR: I don’t know, the first seventeen times didn’t work. What makes you think this time will…

SMARTSTRIPE: {Angry} SHUT UP AND TRY!

HOMESTAR: {Scared} Ahh! “Aw.” See I told you.

SMARTSTRIPE: Oh, shut up.

{Smartstripe walks off screen mumbling angrily to himself. The screen pans over to an angry Marzipan}

SMARTSTRIPE: Aw, crud.

MARZIPAN: Life Blossoms, Excuse us for a moment. {Homestar, Homsar, and Strong Mad flee in fear} {Angry} You little… If I wasn’t a pacifist, I’d slap you into next week. Of all the nerve, I’ve never in all my life… {Continues to rave; fade back to computer}

SMARTSTRIPE: {typing} Well, as you can see, I got fired. And no one learned anything from me. Heck, no one EVER learned anything. So, I hope that answers your question. I have tried to teach the idiots of the world, only to blow up in their faces, get yelled at by marzipan, and spend $500 on after-school therapy. I hope you feel good. Because I don’t.

{Three CDs come down like the paper, Reading:}

Click Here To Email Smartstripe @ Smartstripe_Brainer@homestarrunner.com

SMARTSTRIPE: I love the way these things are built in.

Easter Eggs

• At the end, click on “after-school therapy” to see some after school therapy.

{Smartstripe is lying on a therapist couch, Strong Sad is the therapist}

SMARTSTRIPE: {near tears} …and they act just like idiots all the time!

STRONG SAD: Look, its ok. Sometimes we just need to let it out. Just let all those feelings out. {Cut back to computer}

• At the end, click on “idiots” to hear Homsar’s thoughts.

{Homsar is in the same position as before}

HOMSAR: {thinking in the same voice as before} Pi=3.1415986... {Cut back to computer}

>back?