Fake Character Email Ductape Blader/Snow in

From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki

Ductape E-mail 14: Snow in.

Summary: With an e-mail with no subject, and being snowed in, Ductape scrounges around to find a way to fill the airtime.

Cast (in order of appearance): Ductape, Debbie, Coach Z, Homestar, Strong Mad, Borismichalovitch.

Places: Outside, Ductape's computer room, Ductape’s kitchen, Locker Room shower, Room with sofa.

Date: December 11, 2006.

Length: Why does it matter? As long as it’s good.

Transcript

{Ductape is walking outside in a white, simply warm coat that isn't made of tape, but he is still wearing duct tape pants. It is snowing really hard. There is about one foot of snow on the ground and the bushes. Ductape is scrunching his face against the wind of all the snow, until he reaches his house, opening the door and stepping inside.}

DUCTAPE: {taking off coat and shaking out snowflakes} Glad to be out of that storm. Now it's time for an e-mail!

{Reaching his compy, Ductape places his coat on the back of the chair and opens up his inbox.}

Dear Ducttape Blader,
Do you do anything besides checking email? Because, um,
checking emails only seems boring after a while...
From Young Roy

DUCTAPE: Roy, I cannot disagree with you more. Checking e-mails have made my life more exciting. They give you such great ideas for adventures. Since there isn’t much more of a subject to your e-mail, I’m just going to spite you by going outside and loitering for the rest of the airtime.

{Ductape leaves the room, jumps down the stairs and shreds on the banister. By the time he reaches the bottom, Debbie is standing at the door and is struggling to open it by pushing her legs against the wall and using her full strength on the door.}

DUCTAPE: Debbie, is something wrong with the door? Can I go outside?

{After some grunts from Debbie, the door pops open and an avalanche of snow falls through the doorway, smothering both of them.}

DEBBIE: Looks like we have a little problem. The door is blocked by snow. I’ll call the snow rangers, they’ll have to dig us out.

DUCTAPE: {calling as Debbie leaves for the kitchen} I hope they come soon, I was planning on going out today!

{Ductape follows Debbie. Cut to the Kitchen, Debbie is holding a phone on a 3-meter coiled cord and Ductape is crowding next to her. A half-cut separated by a coil of wire shows that Coach Z is on the other side of the line.}

DEBBIE: We’re snowed in. Can you come over and dig us out?

COACH Z: {on disconnected phone, in a shower flowing.} Sure we’ll dig ya out. Just let me saddle up da boys.

DEBBIE: Thanks. How long will it take you?

COACH Z: How bad are ye buried?

DEBBIE: {looking at window over sink. It’s ¾ full of snow and still piling up.} Pretty badly. I’d say about six feet.

COACH Z: {Change to full Coach Z screen} Ooh! I’ll have to get there immediately. Just stay there, Bladers. The coach and his crew are here. {hangs up and runs out of the shower, without turning it off.}

DEBBIE: {hangs up as screen snaps back to full.} Coach Z just came out of the shower. The diggers will come eventually.

DUCTAPE: Eventually means never. I’ve got some dead airtime going now. Anything you wish to do right now?

DEBBIE: We’re snowed in and alone with a webcam on a repulsorlift. What do we do, light dome candles, play a player piano in a loop, play poker until we find the ace of nitwits, put it on our head and shake our 8 ball?

{Ductape just smirks at her in a sinister manner}

DEBBIE: Oh no, you don’t. I’m not going to do any of the stuff I just mentioned. You’re not talking me into it.

{Cut to the sofa. It’s tan and it’s very torn up. A coffee table is in front of them, with many cards piled on it, along with some soda and a can of peas with a spoon in it. Ductape and Debbie are holding card fans. “Chopsticks” is playing in a loop on a player piano offscreen.}

DEBBIE: I can’t believe you forced me into it. {picks up soda and drinks from carton}

DUCTAPE: {placing card down} Lucky for you, I've got the ace of Nitwits. {zoom in on card, showing a Ace with corn and green peppers on it. The man on it is wearing a graduation cap covered in ice cream, tasting it with his finger.}

DEBBIE: Okay, now what?

DUCTAPE: You put it on your head, and we shake my 8-Ball.

DEBBIE: Why not just ask it now if the snow patrol had dug us out yet?

{Cut to outside, Coach Z is standing in a deep pile of snow, while Homestar and Strong Mad are digging the doorway with shovels, shoving snow onto Coach Z, burying him. Homestar stops to wipe his brow with his shovel.}

HOMESTAR: Man, out-snowing this door is a real enewrgy drainer. Let's take a break!

{Homestar and Strong Mad put down their shovels and sit in the snow, taking out a thermos and bowls, both starting to eat chicken soup. Cut back to Ductape and Debbie, Debbie is knitting a scarf and Ductape is playing with his Cheat Commandos action figures with Borismichalovitch}

DUCTAPE: The Cheat Commandos will never penetrate our new big shoebox headquarters with our new spike wall security system! {Ductape takes out a huge Chuck Taylors shoe box and a piece of sheet metal with spikes taped to it, placing many Blue Laser commandos inside}

BORISMICHALOVITCH: Wiith thaat wall in the waay, Blue Laser will succeed in Operation: Neptune!

DUCTAPE: {holding Blue Laser Commander and imitating him} With my new orbital rocket I stole from the Cheat Commandos during the boiler siege, I will launch 42 of my underlings with bearded commando #31 to set up a base for our evil think tank!

{Pan across playset to show a rocket with four Blue Laser minions, one of them with a beard drawn on with a sharpie. Boris places two green helmets and a clone commando with a blaster bazooka next to the spike wall, and imitates a laser gun}

DUCTAPE: You took out the wall. There's a gaping hole in it.

{Debbie turns toward them}

DEBBIE: So, that's it? Playing Cheat Commandos with your pet goat?

DUCTAPE: {dejectedly} Yes.

{The lights suddenly go out, showing nothing but eyes.}

BORIS: Whaa-

DUCTAPE: The lights are out. Don’t worry, Boris, we’ll be fine.

{A door opens somewhere, Ductape’s eyes jump}

DUCTAPE: Intruders! Where's my baseball bat?

{Ductape runs off screen and into another room. A thud is heard, along with a groan. The lights flash on. Homestar is lying on the floor, unconscious and dizzy.}

DUCTAPE: Homestar? You dug through?

{He falls over, with no response.}

DUCTAPE: Ooh, sorry about bashing you with the anti-creep stick. I thought you were someone else.

{Coach Z walks in}

COACH Z: Don’t you Bladers worry your heads about it. It took a long time, but we finally got it down.

DUCTAPE: That’s great! Now I can go outside and loiter.

{He takes his coat off the stairs and runs outside. A window appears on the computer saying, Click here to e-mail Ductape Blader}

Easter Eggs

Click on the unconscious Homestar to get him to wake up.

HOMESTAR: Alright, who’s the man with the nerve to anti-creep stick me?

Fun Facts

• Debbie’s plans were taken from a book, The House With A Clock In Its Wall, even the description of the Ace of Nitwits.
• Ductape’s shoebox playset is a reference to his immense feet.
• The spike wall is a reference to Tampo Comics.
• Operation: Neptune was a Super Solvers game made by The Learning Company.
• The clone commando is a reference to Star Wars in general, which have used clone soldiers on many occasions.