Coach Z's Desperate Play
From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki
Homester Runner Fan Fiction: Coach Z’s Desperate Play
Summary: Since Marzipan will no longer talk to him, Coach Z tells Ductape to help spy on Marzipan for him so he can take her to the poetry slam.
Cast (in order of appearance): Coach Z, Ductape, Marzipan,
Places: Track field, Locker room, Marzipan's Garden,
Date: May 4, 2007.
Length: Ah, who cares?
Contents |
Transcript
Part 1
{Fade in on the track field. Coach Z is seen holding a stopwatch. Ductape runs onscreen wearing a pair of duct tape shorts with a pair of track shoes with the wheels taken off. Crossing over an end zone line, he bends over and pants, sweat running down his face and long, greasy hair.}
COACH Z: {stopping watch} Great jorb, Ductape! You keep this up and maybe you’ll keep the track team afloat while Homester's still out with all the knee injuries he’s having.
DUCTAPE: {catching his breath} Maybe- he- should- wear- knee guards when playing the Dumples. The last game was disappointing.
COACH Z: I hear that! The Cheat was just swinging that club like a deranged golfer on a bludgeoning spree! It was all "crash" and "crunch" and "crackle". I was just calling Homestar out, but he just wouldn't listen. It was a massacration, 1,000,000 to 3 Dumples victory.
DUCTAPE: I wonder how long he'll be in the wheelchair. Well, I have to blade on home. See you later, Coach!
{Ductape walks to the left to find his skate wheels to wrench them back in place on his immense lime-green shoes, when Coach Z follows.}
COACH Z: Ductape, before ye go rollin' on home, can I ask ye a favor?
DUCTAPE: What is it, Coach Z?
COACH Z: {sighs} Ductape, I’ve gotta be frank. I guess I just don’t understand the ladies.
DUCTAPE: So it's girl trouble? Well, then maybe we should talk about it in your office.
{Cut to the locker room. Ductape is fully dressed in his old clothes. Ductape and Coach Z are both sitting on the bench.}
DUCTAPE: So, what's the matter?
COACH Z: I’ve been havin' a little trouble with Marzipan. Every time I've been trying to make her happy, she just gets mad and slaps me in the face.
DUCTAPE: Ouch.
COACH Z: Do ye wanna see the handprint?
DUCTAPE: No! I mean, not right now. Well, you just can't-
COACH Z: –rush into the score zone. I know. But that’s just not enough for me.
DUCTAPE: Well, what does Marzipan like?
COACH Z: I know she does the teaching at the local Montesodium school, and I’ve already tried there. Somehow she’s not convinced I'm interested in the L.U.R.N. program. I really would like what's best for the kids, I just don’t know what the kids really need.
DUCTAPE: Well, that's a good start. Keep on going.
COACH Z: She plays the oo-koo-lay-lay…
DUCTAPE: Good, good, though it's a guitar.
COACH Z: A guitar? When did she get one? The last time I checked, she played one o' dose oo-koo-lay-lays.
DUCTAPE: Maybe she did play a ukulele a while ago, I remember she once told me about a luau.
COACH Z: She had a luau? That's news to me.
DUCTAPE: You really don't know a whole lot about Marzipan, do you?
COACH Z: I have her phone number and house keys.
DUCTAPE: Um, I don't think being intrusive is going to help you, or Marzipan.
COACH Z: Hey, don't you spend a lot of time with Marzipan?
DUCTAPE: Yeah, I usually visit her when I take Borismichalovitch out on walks. Why?
COACH Z: Maybe you can slip me something, to help a brother out? I mean, Marzipan doesn't want me within 50 feet of her anymore, but she does like you.
DUCTAPE: A spy mission! {Jumps up} Well cover my mouth and call me Susan, you want me to spy on Marzipan?
COACH Z: {covers Ductape’s mouth} Susan, as much as you think it's a bad idea, I don't have much of a choice. I'm just an old man!
{Ductape turns around to spit}
DUCTAPE: Fine, I'll go talk to Marzipan. I'll be your mole!
COACH Z: {he pats Ductape's butt} Attaboy, Ductape.
{Ductape rolls off before anything worse happens}
DUCTAPE: Bye! And remember to practice hygiene!
{A bar of deoderant is tossed into Coach Z’s hands from off screen. He looks at it and shrugs}
Part 2
{Fade in to the back of Marzipan’s gazebo. She’s currently working on her gardening. Ductape comes up.}
MARZIPAN: Ductape! I’m glad you’re here. Do you mind staking those tomato plants?
DUCTAPE: Sure thing, Marzipan.
{Marzipan hands Ductape a small mallet and a bundle of wooden poles. Ductape starts hammering some stakes by the tomato plants.}
DUCTAPE: So, Marzipan, I’ve heard you’ve been doing some stuff. What are your plans for this weekend?
MARZIPAN: Truthfully, I don’t have too many. I was planning on doing some charity fundraising for people who get splinters for hugging trees, and then I was going to go to band practice for Saturday.
{Ductape produces a notebook and pen and starts to write}
DUCTAPE: Cool, cool. Keep going.
MARZIPAN: And then there’s my cow-punching protest. Those cows feel pain too, even when you’re not eating them.
{Ductape writes in his notebook}
DUCTAPE: Anti… punching... cows. {tucks the notebook away} Got it.
MARZIPAN: What’s in that notebook?
DUCTAPE: Nothing… just a story I’m writing. ‘’{thrusts forward}’’ I need some inspiration! For a story.
MARZIPAN: That’s great, Ductape. Maybe that novella of yours could make the newsstands. Speaking of stories, this weekend is the poetry slam at Bubs’s.
DUCTAPE: Takin’ Homestar?
MARZIPAN: It’s not really his place. Besides, his knees are broken and I’ll have to wheel him there in the chair.
DUCTAPE: Maybe I’ll see you there.
MARZIPAN: That’d be great! See you tomorrow night!
DUCTAPE: Bye.
{Ductape finishes with the last tomato and rolls off.}
