Browntant Emails/3
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Summary
Browntant Emails #3 - hulkmaniac
Randall discusses wrestling.
Cast (in order of appearance): Randall, Kolks, Audience, Chorch, Greggo, Referomund, Astromund, Redneck Stobat, Stinkoman, Masked Poorbt, Other Audience, Saargtsson, Gokuls, Johnny P. Grundy-Carcino, Wesley B. Octopush
Places: Randall's Computer Room, White Screen of Transitions, Gymnasium, LU Field
Transcript
RANDALL: Email. Email. Email. Email, email, email, email email email emailemailemailEMAILEMAILEMAILEMAIEMAIEMAEMAEMAEMWHRRRRRRRRRRRR *FZZZZZZZZT-POW!*
{zoom out to show Randall's eye-screen blinking off}
RANDALL: *BEYOOOOOOOOooooo...*
KOLKS:{frantic humming, flies into Randall}
RANDALL:{turns back on} *Klik!* Oh, thanks, Kolks.
{zoom back into the computer screen. Randall types in "RJB_Emails.exe"}
subj: hulkamaniacBraintaint,
Are you a Hulkamaniac? I can't get enough of the Huilkster!! When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside, brother! My question is, WHATCHA GONNA DO, brother, when those 20-inch pythons and Hulkamania run wild on YOU?
Hulkamaniac
P. S. BROTHER!!!!
{Randall reads "Braintaint" as "Tainted Brain", "Huilkster" as "Hhhwilksterrr", and "WHATCHA" with emphasis on the "WH" and the "CH"}
RANDALL:{typing} Wrestling, eh Maniac? Well, it's hard to say. As you know, there are three different types of wrestling.
{cut to a white screen. "#1:" appears at the top of the screen.}
RANDALL:{voiceover} Number 1. {words are typed out as Randall says them} Conventional Wrestling.
{cut to the Gymnasium. There is a crowd of people sitting in chairs surrounding a wrestling ring. The wrestlers in the ring are being obscured by the camera being out of focus}
RANDALL:{voiceover} Normal wrestling is pretty much two people fighting with scripted moves.
{zoom in on the ring. The camera focuses, revealing that the two wrestlers in the ring are a Chorch and a Greggo. They are repeatedly hitting eachother with metal folding chairs}
CHORCH: I'M ANGRY!
GREGGO: I'M ANGRY, TOO!
CHORCH: YEAH!
GREGGO: YEAH!
{the Chorch and the Greggo start to develop dents in their chassis}
CHORCH: TAKE THIS!
GREGGO: TAKE THAT!
{the chair-hitting increases in speed and strength}
CHORCH: WHHARRGHH!
GREGGO: NYYARRGHH!
{sparks begin to fly off of the Chorch and the Greggo}
CHORCH: AAGGHH!
GREGGO: URRGHH!
{the chair-hitting increases to an alarming rate}
CHORCH: UNNGHH!
GREGGO: HNNGHH!
CHORCH & GREGGO: WAARGHH!
{both the Chorch and the Greggo explode. A black and white striped Astromund (The Referomund) climbs into the ring and holds up the Chorch's severed arm. Whip pan over to another Astromund sitting next to the ring and in front of an old Apple Macintosh. He hits a button on the keyboard, and the startup sound plays (fourth one in).}
THE CROWD:{in unison, indifferent} Yaaaay...
{a Stobat with a ten-gallon hat, butt chin, and buck teeth jumps up from the audience}
REDNECK STOBAT:{exaggerated southern accent} AWRIGHT! THEY'S KILLED EACHOTHER!
{cut back to the white screen. "#2:" appears at the top of the screen}
RANDALL:{voiceover} Number 2. {words are typed out as Randall says them} Masked Wrestling.
{cut to a scene very similar to the one before. This time, the two wrestlers in the ring are Stinkoman and a Poorbt wearing a paper bag over his head. They are not fighting. Stinkoman is talking to the Referomund}
RANDALL:{voiceover} Masked Wrestling is very similar to normal wrestling, except the wrestlers wear masks. ...And they're usually Mexicans.
{zoom in to Stinkoman talking to the Referomund}
REFEROMUND: I'm sorry, sir, but you don't have a mask. You can't compete.
STINKOMAN: WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I'M WEARING A MASK! LOOK!
{cut to a view of Stinkoman from behind. He is in silhouette. He apparently pulls his mask off. The audience gasps. The Referomund vomits on the floor of the ring somehow. Cut back to the previous view of Stinkoman, who has put his mask back on, and is now adjusting it}
REFEROMUND: Alright, alright! You can compete! Just... D-don't do that again. Ever.
STINKOMAN: HUTTAH!
MASKED POORBT: ...Can we fight now?
REFEROMUND: Yeah, sure.
{the Referomund climbs out of the ring. The Macintosh startup chime from before plays. Stinkoman pauses, then punches the Masked Poorbt, who explodes. The startup sound plays again}
{cut back to the white screen}
RANDALL:{voiceover} And, of course...
{"#3" appears onscreen}
RANDALL:{voiceover} The third type of wrestling, {words are typed out as Randall says them} Laavassonni Ultrawrestling.
{cut to what appears to be a football field. It is surrounded by a moat of molten lava. There many large, floating bleachers surrounding the field}
RANDALL:{voiceover} Laavassonni Ultrawrestling does not just require visuals, as I will also need to give a running commentary. The first thing that happens in a LU game is that the referee appears.
{Saargtsson bursts forth from the lava moat, holding a microphone}
SAARGTSSON: LLLADIESSSSSSS AND GGGENTELMENNN! ...AND WHATEVER GOKULSSS ARE!
{cut to a group of Gokuls in the bleachers}
GOKULS: YAAAY, DADDY SAID OUR NAMES!
SAARGTSSON:{offscreen} SSSSHHUT UP, YOU FREAKSSS OF NATURRRE! I NEVERRR WANTED YOU ANNNYWAY!
{the Gokuls start to cry. Cut back to Saargtsson}
RANDALL:{voiceover} That is not part of the act. Saargtsson actually is that abusive to his many illegitimate children.
SAARGTSSON: WELLLLL FOLKSSSSS, WHY DON'T WE SEE OUR VICTESTANTS TONIGHT!
{zoom out. Two people in the audience are flung out of their seats and land in front of Saargtsson. Cut back to Saargtsson. The two people are revealed to be the Redneck Stobat from before and a Grundy wearing a pinstripe grey suit}
RANDALL:{voiceover} You see, in Laavassonni Ultrawrestling, there are no professional wrestlers. The wrestlers are randomly chosen from the audience. This means, obviously, that the fights aren't scripted.
SAARGTSSON: AHHH, HERE WE ARRRE! WHHHAT ARE YYYOUR NAMESSSSS?
REDNECK STOBAT: STOBAT. STOBAT S. STOBAT.
GRUNDY:{italian accent} Johnny P. Grundy-Carcino. Now, put me back, or I'll see to it that you'll be having a bit of an... Accident.
SAARGTSSON: AGH! SSSSSORRY, MR. GRRRUNDY-CARCCCCCINO! AHHHEM!
{a floating platform flies down from the sky. Johnny steps into it and lifted back to his seat. An Octopush is flung from his seat}
SAARGTSSON: AAAND YOU ARRRE?
OCTOPUSH: W-Wesley B. Octopush, sir...
SAARGTSSON: EXXXXXXXCELLENT. BOARRRD YOUR SSSSSSSPIDERSSSSSSS!
{two large, robot spiders rise from the lava. Escalators extend from the spiders, and the two "victestants" board them}
RANDALL:{voiceover} You see, to make the fight a little bit more fair, the victestants both board giant spider-mechs.
{Cut to Saargtsson standing beside the moat. A large gong rises from it. Saargtsson strikes the gong with his microphone and jumps into the lava. This song plays, and the spiders begin to fight. After the song ends, Saargtsson rises back out of the moat}
RANDALL:{voiceover} Oh dear, the fight has lasted for more than allowed.
SAARGTSSON: THISSSSSSS ISSSSS TAKINGGG TOO LONGGG! AUDIENCCCCCCCE?!
{cue a quick pan around the audience. They all pull out rocket launchers. Zoom out to show the entire stadium}
SAARGTSSON: FFFFFFFIRE!!!
{the audience fires their rocket launchers, destroying the robot spiders and catching the field on fire}
SAARGTSSON: NOWWW, LET USSSSS ALL SSSSSING "LAAVASSONNI ULUTAT"!
RANDALL:{voiceover} That's the Lava Zone's national anthem.
EVERYONE:{singing} Ohhhhh, LAAAVA ZZZZZONE! Laaava Zzzzzone! Weeee're engulfed in flamesssss! LAAAVA ZZZZZONE! Laaava Zzzzzone! Weeee're {quickly} banned from the {normal} Olympic GAMESSSSSS! LAAAVA ZZZZZONE! Laaava Zzzzzone! {quickly} Actually, most of our stereotypes {normal} are correct! LAAAVA ZZZZZONE! Laaava Zzzzzone! {quickly} Why is this even in English? We rarely {normal} speak it! LAAAVA ZZZZZONE! Laaava Zzzzzone! LAAAVA ZZZZZONE! Laaaaaaaaaavaaaaaaaaaaa Zzzzzzzzzzoooooooooonnnnnnnnnne!
{the entire stadium explodes into a mushroom cloud. Cut back to Randall's computer room}
RANDALL:{typing} Yeah, I know. It's really strange. To answer your question, Hulkopath, I hate wresting.
{the Foil comes down}
Easter Eggs
- Click on "Hulkopath" to see this scene;
- {cut back to the Gymnasium. Stinkoman bursts open the doors at the back of the gym, and is in silhouette}
- STINKOMAN: OKAY, I'VE GOT MY NEW MASK!
- {Stinkoman walks into the Gymnasium and towards the Referomund, revealing that he has haphazardly pulled a ski mask over his face}
- STINKOMAN: WELL? WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- REFEROMUND: ... {facepalm}
Fun Facts
Explanations
- "Victestant" is a portmanteau of "victim" and "contestant".
- "Carcino" is a prefix meaning "cancer" or "cancerous".
- "Ulutat" means "shriek" in Latin.
Inside References
- Not much, really.
Real-World References
- The Apple Macintosh startup sound being played as a wrestling bell is a reference to the Futurama episode "Fear of a Bot Planet", wherein a robot blows a trumpet, which makes that sound.
- Laavassonni Ultrawrestling is a reference to Brockian Ultra-Cricket, a game from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series by Douglas Adams. Brockian Ultra-Cricket is arguably even stranger than Laavassonni Ultrawrestling.
