Browntant Emails/2

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Contents

Summary

Browntant Emails #2 - the tants

Randall discusses his ancestry as well as his relationships.

Cast (in order of appearance): Randall, Kolks, Obediah P. Tant, Tant, Uptant, Browntant, Downtant, Bluetant, Stinkoman, Thal, Ekersby's Hands, Ekersby (Easter egg)

Places: Randall's Computer Room, The White Screen of History Lectures, The Idyllic Zone, Pink Cloud Zone, Some Art Museum, Negative Zone

Transcript

{open to Randall's computer room}

RANDALL:{singing} You know your mamaaaa and your daddyyyy sayin' I can't check e-maiiiil! {types in "RJB_Emails.exe"}

subj: tants in your pants

Ranny,
Do you know about Bluetant? I think he might be trying to bite your style.
Crapfully,

20X6 Version of Zarel who is yet to be revealed

RANDALL:{before he reads the email} ...I don't like the sound of the subject.

{Randall pronounces the last line as "Teal D. Longname"}

RANDALL:{typing} Bluetants, eh? Hmm... I don't think they're biting my style, Teal'c. Unless, of course, my style is "Frost". ...Because they've all got frostbite. ...Because those guys live in the Ice Zone. ...And it's really freaking cold there. {stops typing} ...That got unfunny fast.

KOLKS:{hums as if saying "I'll say."}

RANDALL: Mmf. {clears screen, typing} Anyway, Deal Teer, the other Tants aren't all that bad. Honestly, all four of our families are distantly related.

{cut to a white background. What appears to be an inverted trashcan with an Uptant attached to the bottom suddenly appears}

RANDALL:{voiceover} We can all be traced back to Obediah Percival Tantelsmith, the first Tant. He was nothing but a laser light show... thing... attached to a trashcan.

{Obediah's Uptant head emits a laser light show of the Limozeen logo. Obediah then morphs into what is essentially a really tall Uptant}

RANDALL:{voiceover} From Obediah came Johnny {struggling} Thhhnaarglishnoo {normal} Tantelsmith. Soon, it was realized that his name was really long and stupid. So, he was redesignated "Tant". Tant's line then separated into two different models, the Uptant and the Browntant.

{another Tant slides out from behind the first one. They then morph into an Uptant and a Browntant}

RANDALL:{voiceover} These two designs were then reproduced and shipped all over Planet K. Soon, our current ruler realized that the Browntant model couldn't operate in low temperatures and that hanging an Uptant from the ceiling, which was common, severely impaired its defense mechanisms. So, two new Tants were developed, the Bluetant and the Downtant.

{A second Uptant and Browntant slide out from the originals. The Uptant floats upward and turns upside-down, while the Browntant turns into a Bluetant. Cut back to Randall's computer}

RANDALL:{clears screen, typing} Honestly, Turquoise Carfood, Bluetants aren't that bad. It's mostly just the ones currently serving in Ice Machine's army. That guy is a {stops typing} ... Er... Hmm... I can't think of a good expletive to use. I'll just smash my head against the keyboard. That oughta work.

{zoom out}

RANDALL: Okay... Here I go... {doesn't move} Hrrrk! Hmmmp! Nyack! Whhuh! Nnguh! ... {sighs} Ugh. Kolks, you do it.

KOLKS:{hums affirmatively, then smashes into The Timmy's keyboard}

RANDALL: Thanks! Okay, "that guy is a"... Oh.

{zoom back into the computer screen, showing that Kolks has typed "butt."}

RANDALL:{annoyed grumble} Oh, whatever. {typing} Some of the Bluetants that live here in the Idyllic Zone are actually quite nice. Take Thal for example.

{zoom out}

KOLKS:{inquistive hum}

RANDALL: Thal. It's short for Panthalassa-

STINKOMAN:{suddenly appears} HAHAHAHA SCIENCE JOKE {disappears}

RANDALL: ...She's a female Bluetant that i'm in a... relationship... with.

KOLKS:{frantic, horrified humming}

RANDALL: Ah, relax, Kolks. Tants aren't really considered related.

KOLKS:{pauses, hums as if to say "...Oh."}

RANDALL: Yeah.

{zoom back into the computer screen}

RANDALL:{typing} She's very sweet. She can be strange at times, though. Like, this one time...

{cue generic flashback ripple transition to somewhere in the Idyllic Zone. Randall and a Bluetant (Thal) are standing there. There is a long pause}

THAL: ...Hehe.

RANDALL: ...What?

THAL: What if there was, like-

{a squirrel scurries onscreen}

THAL: Hey, look! A squirrel! {chases the squirrel offscreen} Heeheehee!

RANDALL: ... {sighs}

RANDALL:{voiceover} Never did find out what she was laughing at. Oh, and her ditziness can occasionally be at a philosophical level.

{cut to somewhere in the Pink Cloud Zone. Randall and Thal are there. Thal is looking around}

RANDALL: ...What are you looking at?

THAL: Nothing. Nothing and dust.

RANDALL: What dust?

THAL: Exactly.

{Randall pauses, and then his eye-screen flashes off twice, as if he was blinking}

RANDALL:{voice over} ...Yeah. Oh, and this one time, she...

{Cut to some art museum somewhere. Randall and Thal are looking at a painting of the number 42}

THAL: ...Hey, what's-

{cue quick fade into white, with the sound of an explosion. Cut back to Randall's computer room. Stinkoman is now standing there}

STINKOMAN: THAT'S A LIE! YOU'RE A LIAR! THAT NEVER HAPPENED! THAT DEFINITELY NEVER HAPPENED!

RANDALL: Alright, alright! I made that one up!

STINKOMAN: OKAY, THEN. I'LL SEE YOU LATER, CHALLENGE! {very slowly walks offscreen}

{awkward pause. Zoom back into the computer screen}

RANDALL:{typing} Alright, now onto Uptants and Downtants. What terrible people to hang out with they are.

{cut to somewhere in the Idyllic Zone. Randall is talking to a Downtant}

RANDALL: So I say, "that's not a generic joke, that's my antenna!" {laughs}

DOWNTANT:{sounding suspiciously like Strong Sad} ...Oh. How unfortunate. {sighs}

{awkward pause. Randall slowly backs away from the Downtant. Cut to a similar scene, but this time the Downtant is an Uptant}

RANDALL: "-That's my antenna!" {laughs}

UPTANT:{pauses, laughs for an unnecessarily long time}

RANDALL: ...Jesus, it's not that funny.

UPTANT:{continues to laugh}

RANDALL: ...You're not even laughing at the joke, are you?

UPTANT:{continues to laugh}

RANDALL: Seriously, what's so funny?

UPTANT:{stops laughing} You're a Browntant! {continues laughing}

RANDALL: ...Uuuunnngggghhhhhhhhhhh.

RANDALL:{voiceover} And then there's the monstrosities that are Ekersby's hands.

{cut to the Negative Zone. Randall is talking to Ekersby's hands, somehow separated from Ekersby.

RANDALL: "-Antenna!" {laughs}

EKERSBY'S LEFT HAND: Joseph! Joseph! Eggs! Joseph!

EKERSBY'S RIGHT HAND: mY liFE iS PaIn

LEFT HAND: I shot a whale! Look, trees!

RIGHT HAND: WhY mY ShOuLdErS hUrT?

RANDALL: ...Uh-

LEFT HAND: Giant rabbitmen are in my washing duct!

RIGHT HAND: i eAt yOuR bAbIEs

RANDALL: ...Turn it off! TURN IT OFF!

LEFT HAND: Murdercarrots from beyond the psychiatrist's watch!

RIGHT HAND: yUm jaM!

{cut to an overhead view of Randall. Quickly zoom out spinning}

RANDALL:{long scream}

{cut back to the computer}

RANDALL:{typing} God, that was horrifying. I still have nightmares. I hope that answers your question, Tilde.

{zoom out to show that Ekersby's right hand is in the room}

RANDALL: ...Oh, dear Go-

RIGHT HAND: i liK JaM! {starts rubbing against the wall} MMm jAm! jAam! MiiIiInE!

RANDALL: It hurts, Ness! It hurts!

{the foil comes down}

Easter Eggs

  • Click on Right Hand to see this scene;
{cut back to the Negative Zone. Ekersby is talking to his hands}
EKERSBY: SO YEAH... DO STUFF FOR EIGHT PAGES. PERHAPS YOU CAN GET SOME MEDICAL HELP...
{long pause}
EKERSBY: HOT SHOT? ARE YOU LISTENING? I'VE GIVEN YOU A MISSION
  • Click on Randall to see this scene;
{cut to the art museum from before. Downtant is talking to Randall}
DOWNTANT: Life... Don't talk to me about life... {slowly slides offscreen}
RANDALL: I don't think I can stand this robot much longer.

Fun Facts

Inside References

  • The laser light show thing projected the Limozeen logo.
  • The Downtant sounds like Strong Sad.

Real-World References

  • Randall's email rap is a reference to the song "My Guitar Wants To Kill Your Mama" by Frank Zappa.
  • On the subject of Randall's nicknames for the person now known as Za Long;
    • Teal D. Longname - Refers to the popular term tl;dr, sometimes corrupted as Teal Deer, which means "Too Long; Didn't Read".
    • Teal'c - A corruption of Teal Deer, and also the name of a Stargate SG-1 character.
    • Deal Teer - A Spoonerism of Teal Deer.
    • Turquoise Carfood - Turquoise is a color similar to teal, and deers are known for their tendency to be hit by cars.
    • Tilde - A corruption of Teal Deer, a symbol (~), and I think a username of someone in the HRF community.
  • The Tant looks similar to a Dalek.
  • Panthalassa is the name of the ocean surrounding Pangaea.
  • The "generic flashback ripple" is a common transition to flashbacks in various media.
  • 42 is a reference to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, wherein it is "the answer to life, the universe, and everything". The Ultimate Question, however, is unknown, and a theory states that if someone knows the question and the answer at the same time, the universe will destroy and rebuild itself to change this, which is exactly what happened in the flashback.
    • The second Easter Egg is basically a word for word copy of a short snippet of dialogue from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
  • Ekersby's Left Hand apparently speaks in word salads.
  • Ekersby's Right Hand's dialogue are copied from a fan remix of a Transformers Armada comic(Warning: small bit of somewhat adult language), wherein the Autobot Hot Rod is portrayed as a retarded adult obsessed with "jam".
    • Ekersby's lines in the first Easter Egg are two of Optimus Prime's lines.
  • "It hurts, Ness! It hurts!" is a reference to the popular video game EarthBound.
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