Browntant Emails/1

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Contents

Summary

Browntant Emails #1 - firsties

Randall introduces himself, and makes the first e-mail.

Cast (in order of appearance): Randall, Kolks, Mario, Jaro Guard, Tampo, Stinkoman, Announcerbot (Easter egg), Cheatball (Easter egg)

Places: Randall's Computer Room, Planet K, Tampo's Fortress/Library, Gymnasium (Easter egg)

Transcript

{open to a second of static. Cut to Randall, standing on Kolks, adjusting the camera. Randal jumps off of Kolks, onto the desk, in front of his computer. Kolks floats way from the camera. There is a can of Can Soda and 1-up's hat on the desk}

RANDALL: Greetings! I'm Randall J. Browntant, but you can call me Randall. That's my pet Kolkaryu, Kolks!

KOLKS:{happily hums as if he was saying "Hi there!"}

RANDALL: This is my e-mail show. I've started this because my boss, Tampo, recently gave me a computer, which I call The Timmy, along with an e-mail account. Haven't checked my e-mails yet, though. I'm saving that 'til this. {turns around}

{zoom in to The Timmy's screen. Randall types in "RJB_Emails.exe"}

RANDALL:I guess I should say somethin'. Ehh... {singing} I'm just checkin' mah empty i-inbo-

RJB_Emails.exe

You have 100 new message!
  • NO SERIOUSLY I WANT TO ENLARGE YOUR BOOTS
  • You have won the Lava Zone National Lottery!
  • BOOT ENLARGEMENT PILLS
  • definitely NOT a virus
  • Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fw...
  • No subject
  • BOOT ENLARGEMENT PILLS
  • HOW DO YOU TYPE WITH NO BODY
  • HOW DO YOU TYPE WITH NO BODY
  • FREE SPY CHECK
  • Bulk Underpants Outlet Online Catalog
  • No subject
  • A Message from the President of Space-Nigeria!
  • so cool a flash i thought you would enjoy it
  • BOOT ENLARGEMENT PILLS
  • BOOT ENLARGEMENT PILLS

{zoom out}

RANDALL: OH, HOLY CRAP!

MARIO:{appears from nowhere} Now-a that's a lotta e-mails!

RANDALL: AAH! Kolks! Destroy it!

{Kolks fires at Mario, destroying him. The Mario death sound is heard. Kolks hums loudly as if he was laughing maniacally. Cut back to the computer screen}

RANDALL: Whew! Thanks! Now, what was I-OH, HOLY CRAP! Kolks! What do I do?!

KOLKS:{frantically hums}

RANDALL: Oh, okay! {types in "Nukethatspam.exe"}

RJB_Emails.exe → Nukethatspam.exe

You have 2 new message!
  • No subject
  • Welcome to Planet K Emails!

RANDALL: Ahh, that's better. I chooooose... This one!

subj:

Dear Randall:
As a Browntant, what's it like to almost be a dog?

- Thwaite

{Randall pronounces "Randall:" as "Randall's colon", and "Thwaite" as "Th-WAIT!"}

RANDALL: Aah! O-okay! {pauses for about 10 seconds}

KOLKS:{hits Randall, short, angry hum}

RANDALL: OW! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! {typing} Well, Tweet, I'm honestly not sure what a "dog" is. Isn't it like a... friend, or something?

KOLKS:{hums something}

RANDALL: Oh, yeah, you're right Kolks. I was thinking of a droog. {deletes last sentence typed, typing} I'll go ask my boss about it. He should know, since he's, like, a GIANT BRAIN. {stops typing} C'mon, Kolks!

{cut to a field in Planet K. Something zooms past. Cut to Randall riding on Kolks, with the background whizzing by}

RANDALL: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-

{Kolks suddenly stops, and so does the background. There is a large stone fortress in front of the two. Randall is catapulted off of Kolks and into the fortress's front wall}

RANDALL: OW! THAT HURT!

KOLKS:{hums in a scolding tone}

RANDALL: Alright, alright! I'll be sure to hold onto you next time.

{cut to the fortress' entrance. A Jaro wearing a policeman's cap is guarding the door. Kolks and Randall slide onscreen}

JARO GUARD: Hold it! Can we see some ID?

RANDALL:{Randall's eye/screen flashes, and an image of what appears to be a driver's license appears on it} This good?

JARO GUARD:{inspects virtual license} Hmm... Everything seems to be in order. {steps aside, opens door} Go ahead in.

RANDALL: Thank you. {enters fortress with Kolks following}

JARO GUARD: ...Virtual licenses are a terrible idea! I need to remember to talk to somebody about-

{a stone breaks off of the fortress and hits the Jaro Guard in the head}

JARO GUARD: ...What was I talking about, again?

{cut to inside the fortress. It appears to be gigantic library. In the middle of the screen, Tampo is hovering over a chair, reading a book. Randall and Kolks slide onscreen}

RANDALL:{childish voice} Daddy Tampo?

TAMPO: "DADDY"?! AGH! WHAT?! {lowers book, calms down} Oh, it's just you, Randall. Don't scare me like that.

RANDALL: Sorry.

TAMPO: 'Salright. What do you want?

RANDALL:{normal} What's a dog?

TAMPO: A dog? It's an extinct animal. Some people used to keep them as pets. Here, let me get you a book about them. {cerebellum starts glowing and buzzing/humming. Rest of him starts pulsating, with a faint squishing sound in time with the pulsation}

{a book starts glowing, and floats off of the wall, and in front of Randall. It is titled "Dogs" and is authored "by Snoop Dogg"}

RANDALL: Hey, thanks! Er, who's the author?

TAMPO: Oh, I don't know, some classical musician, or something.

RANDALL: Well, whatever. Thanks again, boss!

TAMPO: Any time.

{cut back to Randall's computer room. Randall slides onscreen}

RANDALL:{clears screen, typing} Apostle, I don't quite know what you're talking about. I'm not at all like a dog. I don't have any legs, I'm not made of flesh and hair, I'm rarely eaten by people in China, {pauses, replaces "rarely" with "never"} and I definitely don't talk in short, loud noises when I'm angry or startled. I have no idea where you would-

{a slamming noise is heard}

RANDALL: What the-

{Zoom out to show Stinkoman standing in the room}

STINKOMAN: DID I JUST OVERHEAR SOMEONE TALKING ABOUT AN EATING CHALLEEEEEEEEENGE?! I'M PRETTY SURE I DID, BUT I JUST WANTED TO BE SURE! NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, I JUST HEARD SOMETHING ABOUT EATING, BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER! WELL, ANYWAY, THE POINT IS THAT I'M CHALLENGING YOU, SO BE READY!

RANDALL:{starts barking at Stinkoman}

{a sheet of tin foil with "Click here to e-mail Randall at theawesomerandall@tamposervers.com" printed on it (The Foil) comes down from the top of the screen. After a few seconds, the following happens}

STINKOMAN: ...IS HE ALMOST DONE?

KOLKS:{exasperated humming}

STINKOMAN: ...WELL, I'M JUST GONNA LEAVE. I'LL SEE YOU TWO LATER. {walks offscreen}

KOLKS:{satisfied/happy humming}

Easter Eggs

  • Click on Randall to see this scene;
{cut to Randall sitting on a long, metal table, with Kolks floating beside him}
ANNOUNCERBOT:{offscreen, voice is flanged} And Stinkoman's Cheatball: Disqualified for flagrant use of Ground Pooru-Pooru foot!
STINKOMAN: WHAAAT?!
{quickly pan over to see Stinkoman standing behind the same long table, with Cheatball standing on it. Cut to under the table, showing that there is a pile of some green substance with small, metal spikes sticking out of it. Cut back to Stinkoman and Cheatball}
STINKOMAN: I THINK THIS IS CHEATING. THIS IS DEFINITELY CHEATING! {sticks arm out in front of him} OBJECTION!
ANNOUNCERBOT:{offscreen} OVERRULED!

Fun Facts

Inside References

  • On the subject of the e-mails Randall receives:
    • "BOOT ENLARGEMENT PILLS" and "NO SERIOUSLY I WANT TO ENLARGE YOUR BOOTS" are partly reference to the large "robot boots" Stinkoman and 1-up wear.
    • "*Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fw..." is a reference to the sbemail "bottom 10".
    • "HOW DO YOU TYPE WITH NO BODY" is a reference to people asking Strong Bad "How do you type with boxing gloves on?"
  • "Thwaite" is apparently a reference to the Stinkoman 20X6 enemy "Postlethwaite".
  • Stinkoman mentions challenges, and also talks unnecessarily loudly.
  • The easter egg is a reference to the sbemail "pet show.
  • Pooru-Pooru is a Stinkoman 20X6 enemy resembling a cucumber with spikes.

Real-World References

  • The title of this email, "firsties", is a reference to Web Soup, wherein the first segment is usually called "FIRSTIES!!!".
  • On the subject of the e-mails Randall receives:
    • "BOOT ENLARGEMENT PILLS" and "NO SERIOUSLY I WANT TO ENLARGE YOUR BOOTS" are a reference to a common spam e-mail, the details of which apparently cannot be mentioned on this wiki. You know the one.
    • "You have won the Lava Zone National Lottery!" and "A Message from the President of Space-Nigeria!" are references to a common spam e-mail involving inheriting or winning a large sum of money, and having to pay a small fraction of that amount to obtain it. These e-mails frequently claim to come from Nigeria.
    • "definitely NOT a virus", "so cool a flash i thought you would enjoy it", and possibly "No subject" are references to e-mails containing viruses.
    • "Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fwd:Fw..." is partly a reference to various chain letters.
    • "FREE SPY CHECK" is a reference to two internet memes; "[X]? In MY "[Y]"? It's more likely than you think. FREE [X] CHECK!" and dialogue spoken by a character in the game Team Fortress 2, "Spies sappin' mah sentry!". This particular combination is from this image.
    • "Bulk Underpants Outlet Online Catalog" is a reference to the Futurama episode "The Honking", in which the character Leela receives a mail order catalog from said Bulk Underpants Outlet, to her chagrin.
  • On the subject of Randall's nicknames for Thwaite:
    • "Tweet" is a common onomatopoeia for a bird's chirping, and also the term for a post on the social networking site Twitter.
    • "Apostle" is a term that usually refers to the Twelve Disciples of Jesus, important figures in Christianity. It is also a corruption of "Postle", the first half of "Postlethwaite".
  • "Droog" is a term from the novel A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess.
  • Snoop Dogg is a rapper, but you knew that already.
  • Eating dogs is a common, somewhat tongue-in-cheek, stereotype of the Chinese.
  • The Announcerbot's voice has been flanged, a process in which a distorted audio track is played over the original. An example of flanging is seen here.
  • Stinkoman sticking his arm out and screaming "OBJECTION!" is a reference to the Ace Attorney video game series.
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