A Defective Kolkaryu/1
From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki
MINION-KOL OS v1.5
Welcome, KOLKARYU.
Now loading previous data...
ERROR - CORRUPTED FILES
Shut down? Y/N?
>N
Are you sure? Y/N?
>Y
Answer accepted.
Suddenly, your visual sensors start up. They are still a little faulty. But, you can at least make out a familiar face. It's Dr. Astromund! Now, what was his first name again?
ENTER NAME.
>Andy
Yes, that was it! Dr. Andy!
KOLKARYU:{distorted} G-GOod mORn-ing D-O-O-OCtor A-Ndy!
you say in a distorted voice. It seems your voice chip is acting up. You're a bit horrified.
DR. ANDY:{chuckled} Good morning, Kolky.
That's Dr. Andy's nickname for you. But you remember that, don't you? Dr. Andy glances away from your view. He pulls out a screwdriver and tweaks something on you. Suddenly, your vision clears up. He seems to have fixed it! Now that you can see better, you notice a couple things in your peripheral vision.
OBJECTS SEEN;
- Dr. Andy
- Boxes of some sort of metal objects
- Television screen
- Desk
- Window
> ASK DR ANDY HOW HIS NEPHEW IS DOING
KOLKARYU: H-HOW is YOur NEphew?
DR. ANDY: Hmm? Oh, he's fine. Just got promoted, actually!
KOLKARYU: R-ReA-LLY? Th-Aat's Gr-REat!
DR. ANDY: Hmm... I'll need to fix your voice chip...
> LOOK OUT WINDOW
You look at the window and see a tree outside. You remember that tree. You helped plant it!
There's a little, blue bird in that tree. Cute.
> ASK DR ANDY WHY YOU'RE IN THIS CONDITION
You turn to Dr. Andy and ask,
KOLKARYU: WhAT is wrO-ong wITH ME-e?
DR. ANDY: You don't remember? Well, alright. You see, when you were built, there were some... errors. So, you ended up a bit defective. So, you were brought here, and I was assigned to help repair you.
> LOOK AT TV SCREEN
You look over at the TV screen, and see that there is an image of another TV screen showing on it. And another screen on that one. And another screen on that one. And so on, and so on, and so on. You realize that the screen is hooked up to your visual sensors. ou turn away from the TV screen. That infinite loop was giving you a headache.
> ACCUSE DR. ANDY OF BEING A MEAN LEAN INFODUMP MACHINE
You attempt to do so.
KOLKARYU: Y-YOu a-A-are so-OME s-sO-ort of b-BEan MEMory th-THING.
DR. ANDY: Hmm... I need to work on your memory banks soon. Oh, and, listen. I need to fix your voice chip. May I remove it, temporarily of course, to repair it?
> NO NOT UNTIL YOU SAY EXACTLY WHAT I TOLD YOU TO SAY
KOLKARYU: ...Y-YOu aRE a M-MEan LEan In-In-INFOdump MAch-ch-CHINE.
DR. ANDY: Hmm. This can't be very good. But, really. Can I or can I not remove your voice chip?
> NO, DO A NO-ANESTHESIA OPERATION AND KEEP ME AWAKE THE WHOLE TIME AND KEEP THE VOICE CHIP INSIDE
KOLKARYU: NO-o do-O A NO ANesTHESIa OpErAtIon A-and kEeEp me A-A-A-A-*fzzt* {distorted and tinny} VOICE CHIP ERROR.
DR. ANDY: Oh, look. You see? You took so long to answer, your voice chip overloaded. I guess I'll have to remove the chip whether you like it or not.
said Dr. Andy, and he got to work removing a section of your outer shell and taking out your voice chip,
DR. ANDY: There. Here, I'll put in a temporary replacement.
Dr. Andy put in a new voice chip.
>Say "Look behind you, a three headed monkey!"
KOLKARYU:{british accent} Look behind you, a three headed monkey!
DR. ANDY: Wha-{turns around} Oh my GOD! {pulls out a walkie talkie} Someone! Come quick! One of the Tri-Headed Monkeybots has gotten loose!
Suddenly, a nurse bursts in, restrains the three-headed monkey, and leaves as quickly as she appeared.
>I'D DEFINITELY RATHER HAVE A BRITISH VOICE THAN A DISTORTED VOICE. THANK DR ANDY
You think about your new voice for a second and say,
KOLKARYU:{british accent} Ooh, I rather like this new voice! Thanks, Dr. Andy!
>ASK FOR A MAP
KOLKARYU: Dr. Andy, eh, can I have a map?
DR. ANDY: A map? A map of what?
>Say: "This general area, I think it would be nice to explore"
KOLKARYU: This general area, I think it would be nice to explore.
DR. ANDY: Hmm... Well, alright. I'll upload a map onto your internal hard drive, but you aren't leaving just yet. We need to run some tests to determine what parts of you are functioning correctly.
Dr. Andy opens something up on your outer shell and programs something in. A map of the surrounding area appears in your vision for a few seconds. It then shrinks down into an icon of a compass in the lower right hand corner of your vision.
DR. ANDY: There. Hmm... Now that I think about it, I may be able to let you explore the area and run tests at the same time. What do you think?
>Ask Dr.Andy how he will do that, and what kind of tests
KOLKARYU: How will you do that? And what tests?
DR. ANDY: You see, every day I need to test what parts of you are functioning properly. I've already tested your visual sensors, your facial recognition software, since you apparently recognized me instantly, your memory banks, and your voice chip. I still need to test your logic processors and your motor functions.
>Say "Sounds logical to me... can I walk around now?
KOLKARYU: Sounds logical to me... can I walk around now?
DR. ANDY: Hmm... I see your sarcasm chip is working... Anyways, yes you can. But first, the assignment. On the other side of the Asylum, there is a storage closet labeled "STORAGE." With a period. I don't know why it's there. Inside the closet, there are many different colored balls. There is one blue one. I want you to find the storage closet and bring the blue ball to me. Okay?
> Say "got it" Go to the Storage. closet and grab the green ball
KOLKARYU: Got it!
You run off to the closet labeled "STORAGE." and enter it. There are many, many different colored balls, most of which are orange. Among them you find a blue ball and two green balls. You're almost sure that the blue ball Dr. Andy mentioned is not the blue one, so it must be one of the green. Which one of the two will you take?
>the green one
You remind the voices in your head that there are two green ones.
>eenie meenie minie mund
>Oh, and yell "GO PLAY ASTROMUND'S QUEST NOW" at the top of your robot lungs
>grab the left green one
KOLKARYU: Hmm... Okay! {grabs the right green ball}
You bring the chosen ball back to Dr. Andy. He sighs.
DR. ANDY: No, no. The blue ball is blue.
KOLKARYU: I did see a blue ball, but I was almost certain it wasn't the blue ball you wanted.
DR. ANDY: Hmm... Either your logic processors are severely impaired, or they've developed sentience and are trying to be funny.
>Fine, go back and grab the blue ball
KOLKARYU: I don't like your tone.
DR. ANDY: ... Perhaps the latter is correct...
>Please get the blue ball?
KOLKARYU: That's better.
Now satisfied with your logic processor's request, you fly back to the STORAGE. closet, grab the blue ball, and bring it back to Dr. Andy.
DR. ANDY: Yes, that's the correct ball. Good job, Kolky. {pats you on the head} Here, you can keep that ball.
You got the BLUE BALL!
SAVED
>Destroy Dr Andy. There is no other way.
KOLKARYU: ... Yesss... {lights turn red} DE-STROY. DE-STROY. DE-STROY.
DR. ANDY: What... What are you-
You fire repeatedly at Dr. Andy, reducing him to a pile of ash.
GAME OVER
Reload last saved file? Y/N?
>yes, then destroy him again and load again
SAVE FILE LOADED
KOLKARYU: Hey, Dr. Andy?
DR. ANDY: Yes, Kolky?
KOLKARYU: Stand still. {light panels flip upwards and spikes extend from each of the holes. Kolkaryu begins spinning}
DR. ANDY: Wha- No! Kolky, don't!
You rip Dr. Andy to shreds.
GAME OVER
Reload last saved file? Y/N?
>Y
SAVE FILE LOADED
>sing Aqualung by Jethro Tull
KOLKARYU: Doctor Andy? Can I sing a song that I agree with?
DR. ANDY: Er, sure?
KOLKARYU:{singing} Sitting on a park bench, eying little g-
DR. ANDY: NO. Stop, Kolky. {muttering} Your morality chip must be acting up...
> sing eleanor rigby by the beatles
KOLKARYU: Can I sing a different song?
DR. ANDY: ...As long as it isn't politically incorrect like the last one.
KOLKARYU: Okay! {singing} Ah, look at all the lonely people! Ah, l-
DR. ANDY: You can't sing that either. I don't want to feel depressed for the rest of the day.
>ask Dr. Andy what to do next.
KOLKARYU: What can I do next?
DR. ANDY: Well, I don't really need to test anything else today, so you can just do whatever you want. Within reason.
KOLKARYU: Yay!
You have completed TODAY'S TESTING!
SAVED
>sing Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne
>No, dance to funky random disco music that came out of nowhere.
>No, do both
You do both. The writer is too lazy to look up the lyrics or write actions.
Dr. Andy is not amused.
DR. ANDY: We are not amused.
...And neither is the Queen of England, apparently.
>Tell Dr Andy he's a cool guy. ...Then say you're just kidding and tell him he sucks.
KOLKARYU: Uhh... Okay? {to Dr. Andy} Doctor Andy, you're a cool guy.
DR. ANDY: Aww, thanks, K-
KOLKARYU: HAHA. NO YOU'RE NOT. YOU SUCK. HAHA.
DR. ANDY:{zoidberg impression} Awwh...
>Well, our work here is done my robotic companion. Lets take a look at that map.
