(The Competing Brand) Other Character Email Bubs/3
From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki
{Open: Bubs is still in his spot at the train station.}
Dear Bubs,
What is the most awkward thing that has ever happened to you?
Love,
Mom
{Cut: Bubs stand-up in 70s. He is wearing an orange leisure suit.}
BUBS: awesome?
{Silence. A disco ball drops on Bubs' head, who falls over. Cut back.}
BUBS: Embarrasments? I don't know what you're talking about!
{Cut: Bubs in the desert, in army gear. He is standing in formation with the rest of the troops, at attention. A young, svelte KOT stands next to him.}
KOT: Hey look, it's Hitler, up there on that cliff!
{Bubs points directly at Hitler, but he does not have fingers. Cut back.}
BUBS: But in the terms of other people's embarrassments, I have a wide back catalog! I have a business based off of selling them. It's very simple!
{Cut: The locker room. A locker door swings open, to reveal Coach Z all up ins, with a bottle of "PTSD Ones"}
COACH Z: I thought I got rid of you!
BUBS: {voiceover} All you have to do is dial the number of disappointments you've experienced
BUBS: {voiceover} and soon a trained specialist will come and give you a videotape of somebody failing! That's why I call it the Failvlog, short for for Failure Video Backlog!
COACH Z: Why can't you just leave a moist person of natural descent alone?!
{The Delivery Man kicks down the door.}
BUBS: Each week, you will get a new video, no matter what.
COACH Z: It's like deja vu all over again!
{Coach Z hops out of the locker and runs runs runs runs runs, takes a drag or two.}
HOMESTAR: Hey Coach Z, do you want some chips and dips?
COACH Z: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
{Coach Z smashes the bowl of salsa into Homestar's face.}
HOMESTAR: OH GOD IT HURTS
HOMESTAR: I THINK I'M BLEEDING
HOMESTAR: MAKE IT STOP
HOMESTAR: MEXICAN FOOD IN MY EYES
HOMESTAR: CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP MARZIPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN
{Coach Z keeps running to who cares where.}
{Cut: The delivery man, in the locker, who sets down his VHS tape and slumps down on the bench.}
DELIVERY MAN: Why do they always run? I'm just trying to be me!
{The lights lower.}
DELIVERY MAN: Nobody wants to come near me, thanks to this brown shirt I must always wear...
{A spotlight on The Delivery Man!}
DELIVERY MAN: Well no more! I'm taking a stand! From now on, The Delivery Man is a PROPER noun!
{Cut: A posters on the back side of Bubs' over Homestar's poster, that simply reads "PROPER NOUN!" in white on black. Zoom out: Strong Sad, looking at the poster.}
STRONG SAD: Ooh! That's my new new favorite band!
{Strong Sad goes into the back of the Concession stand, and for a moment you can hear people with distortion pedals and a copy of Talking Heads: '77 playing their instruments, but it is soon lost. Crickets chirp.}
{Pom Pom bounces on by, then turns to the camera for his big soliloquy.}
POM POM: {bubbles}
{We are all awed and moved by Pom Pom's poetry, and all grows quiet. It starts to rain, symbolically. Pom Pom bounces off. Cut: Pom Pom, crying, in front of the stick. It is night.}
POM POM: {bubbles}
{We, too, can't help but to be brought to tears by his performance as Pom Pom falls to his knees and looks to the heavens. A lone beam of moonlight falls upon Pom Pom's face.}
POM POM: {bubbles}
{A lightning flash! And then, nothing. Cut: The train station. A train pulls out, and it is now daytime. Strong Sad, dazed and confused, steps off a train again. Bubs stands up.}
BUBS: Well, that's the last arriving train ever.
STRONG SAD: Ever?
BUBS: Ever! Those fickle eight Godots never showed up.
STRONG SAD: ...I need to go lie down.
{Cut: The locker room. Strong Sad falls on his back onto a bench and immediately begins snoring. Then, Coach Z, gray cinnamon on his face, with a few stray hairs sticking out from under his hat, jumps out.}
COACH Z: Strong Snork! You gotta help me!
{Strong Sad jumps a little bit.}
STRONG SAD: What is it?
COACH Z: Video tapes are following me!
STRONG SAD: ...Coach Z, you woke me up for this?
COACH Z: I need your help! If we just win this game against the video tapes, they'll never bother me again!
STRONG SAD: Look, Coach Z, I'd love to, but at this point, I think it's either your sleep deprivation or mine that's making one of us delusional.
COACH Z: There's no time for sleep deprivation! We have to play right now!
STRONG SAD: Th
{Cut: The final quarter of the basketball game! Strong Sad is dribbling and drooling on the floor. Bubs, wearing a moustache, is standing on the sidelines, next to Coach Z, nursing a bottle of Listerine.}
BUBS: I will never forgive you if you win this.
{Coach Z takes a swig.}
COACH Z: I'm no player for you, Bubs!
BUBS: What?
{Strong Sad gets the ball! Suddenly, he's thundering forward, dodging video tapes which threaten to block him. Then, he accidentally steps on one. A whistle blows. Homestar, in a referee uniform, with his entire head wrapped up in bandages, walks up}
HOMESTAR: Foul!
COACH Z: Objection! This is just because I scolded your face earlier.
HOMESTAR: Overruled! Overruled! Onwards! Onwards!
{Cut: NOTHING BUT NET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!}
STRONG SAD: {off-screen} We win!
HOMESTAR: {off-screen} You do? I thought the laserdiscs scored a
COACH Z: {off-screen} Nope! That means we win!
HOMESTAR: {off-screen} Then a win it is!
BUBS: {off-screen} I will never forgive you.
{Cut: 20X6. Bubsuke and Probably Shadowy Figure are fighting in giant robots.}
BUBSUKE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
{Bubsuke fires his machine gun wildly.}
PROBABLY SHADOWY FIGURE: {screaming} I WILL CONQUER YOU YET BUSUKE! AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO!
{Zoom out. Stinkoman walks by, then looks at the carnage behind him.}
STINKOMAN: {laughs} Oh those Bubsuke and Probably Shadowy Figure! Will they ever learn?
{1-Up walks up.}
1-UP: Stinkoman, I'm The Man now, dog!
STINKOMAN:
1-UP: And I'm getting a divorce!
STINKOMAN: But 1-Up, where will you go? You stupid Man, just like all you Mans!
1-UP: I have a cult!
{1-Up walks away, not-nose held high in the air.}
STINKOMAN: {whimpering} ...and where will I go?
DOT DOT DOT !!! WHO WILL STINKOMAN TURN TO? WHAT HAPPENS NOW THAT BUBS HATES COACH Z ETERNALLY AND FOREVER?? WHY???
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