Other Character Email Pan Pan/Diet

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Contents

Summary

Not exactly fed up with 1-Up's stupidity, Pan Pan ends up beginning to check emails. In the process, he's forced to go through a painful diet.

Cast (in order of appearance): Hybrid Employee, Customers, Pan Pan, 1-Up, Stobat Coach, Doctor Greggo (Easter Egg), Stinkoman, Zyborg Chorch (Easter Egg)

Page Title: Unlegendary Beginning

Words: 1,774

Transcript

{Cut to various views of the city in Planet K. Slow, cool music plays as the views are shown. Cut to a building named "Convenient Electronics". Cut to a room in Convenient Electronics, where an employee who's half-panda and half-human is seen behind a counter. Around him are shelves of electronics and customers. Suddenly, a crash is heard as a black object quickly falls in front of the employee, shocking him. Then the employee regains his cool. Cut to the black object, Pan Pan.}

EMPLOYEE: Jeez, Pan Pan. Do you always have to come in like that?

PAN PAN: (Well, I like coming in style. Now, you know why I'm here.)

EMPLOYEE: Don't tell me.

PAN PAN: (Do you have another one in stock?)

EMPLOYEE: Again?!? That's the 37th broken Pan Pilot this month!

PAN PAN: (Well, if you're living with 1-Up, 37's a small number.

EMPLOYEE: {sighs} What did he do this time?

{Cut to a close-up of 1-Up in a hallway in Stinkoman HQ.}

1-UP: Hey Pan Pan!

{Pan out to reveal 1-Up's dashing down the hall with an electric chainsaw.}

1-UP: Check it out! I'm running a relay race!

{1-Up runs to Pan Pan.}

PAN PAN: BADDALANG!!!!!!

{Cut back to Pan Pan with the employee. He has his incinerated and mutilated Pan Pilot out.}

PAN PAN: (This thing's force field saved my life, but it failed to save the Pan Pilot itself, again. Anyway, can we make the business deal already?)

EMPLOYEE: Actually, I think you need something else. Something better.

{The employee gets out a box from below the counter and gets out a small, rectangular machine with a sensor bar.}

EMPLOYEE: Presenting the OptiPilot XZ, a new PDA that has an advanced email checker, word-processor, animating program, hologram projector, and an Indy-G Force that allows the weight of the OptiPilot to be changed at will (so this can be used as a nice bludgeoning weapon). This thing has a sensor bar that can register to your touch so it can be touch-sensitive! Also, this can translate your "Baddalangs" into English text and you can use your mind for limited benefits!

PAN PAN: (That's nice. No doubt you left out a bunch of other stuff.)

EMPLOYEE: You bet! That's what I'm good at!

PAN PAN: (The Indy-G Force thing sound nice. So how much is it?)

EMPLOYEE: This, my friend, if nin...

{Just then, a thought bubble pops up from the employee's head. The thought bubble forms a scene where Pan Pan is surrounded by bamboo sticks and scarecrows. Pan Pan is blindfolded and has a samurai sword. Despite his weight, he quickly cuts all of the bamboo sticks into bite-sized pieces of the same size. Then he goes and quickly and cleanly cuts off all of the scarecrows' heads. The thought bubble pops as we cut back to the employee.}

EMPLOYEE: {nervously} Actually, this is special service, so this is free.

PAN PAN: (Really? Nice! (Even though I have about $979 right now.))

{Cut to an exterior view of Stinkoman HQ. Cut to Pan Pan in his room, which is decorated with bamboo sticks. Pan Pan gets out the Optipilot, which shoots a light beam at Pan Pan's right eye.}

OPTIPILOT: {robotic voice} Retina scan complete. OptiPilot XZ Model 2T2737 now belongs to user Pan Pan. Activating his email account, "flyingpanda529@cocomail.com".

PAN PAN: (What? Didn't ask for that yet! Oh well, I guess I should check my email. It was left unchecked for two years...)

OPTIPILOT: {robotic voice} Sadly, you have only one email that wasn't lose in cyberspace. Here it is.

{Just then, a hologram screen shoots out from the OptiPilot. Pan Pan reads the email (in "Baddalangs") on the screen.}

PAN PAN: (Clicking? Clicking is so X0 years ago! I think what you want me to do is this.)

{Just then, "[Click for info]" glows in multicolor. Just then, a ship crashes into Pan Pan's room and nearly hits Pan Pan, who jumps out of the way at the right time. The ship's door opens and a Stobat, dressed up as a coach and sitting on a floating platform, floats out of the ship and looks at Pan Pan.}

STOBAT COACH : So, you're Pan Pan, eh? 70,000 Zetas, eh?

PAN PAN: (Yeah, but what the crap do you mean in Zetas and Zeta Arts?)

STOBAT COACH: No askin' questions, eh! We've got work to do, eh!

PAN PAN: (You're just showing off with the accent, eh?) {pause} (Oh crap.)

STOBAT COACH: See! Shut up! Eh. We've got work to do! {gets out a rod and prods Pan Pan with it} Look at all that fat, eh!

PAN PAN: (What?! Aren't you supposed to be training me in, I don't know, fighting? Something that might involve martial arts, swords, or telepathy? To make me better than Stinkoman?)

STOBAT COACH: Shut up-eh! This fat is why you suck at fighting, eh! You've got to lose it in my Zeta Diet Program!

PAN PAN: (Oh, so this is a fraud!)

STOBAT COACH: Shut up! Eh! You're going on a diet, and you're gonna hate it!

PAN PAN: (And what if I refuse?)

{Just then, the Stobat Coach gets out a bazooka and points it at Pan Pan.}

PAN PAN: (I can always still beat the crap out of you, but I guess I should lose some weight.)

{Cut to Pan Pan and the Stobat Coach next to a chin-up bar in a gym. The Stobat Coach is eating from a bag of chips.}

STOBAT COACH: {munching} Okay, eh! You're doin' chin-ups! You're doing 500 today!

PAN PAN: (And you're just going to eat chips, eh?)

STOBAT COACH: Eh!

{Pan Pan looks at the chin-up bar, shrugs, grabs it, and attempts to do a chin-up. Just then, the bar breaks apart and Pan Pan falls onto the floor, dizzy. The Stobat Coach wiggles his way to Pan Pan.}

STOBAT COACH: {angrily} See? You're so fat, you broke apart the metallic bar!

{Pan Pan picks up a piece of the bar and examines it.}

PAN PAN: (Hey! Don't tell me the chin-up bar was made from breadsticks painted silver!)

STOBAT COACH: Eh? Well, this is also a test of temptation! You know you want to eat the breadsticks! Well, if you want to lose weight, then fight it!

{The Stobat Coach picks up a breadstick and eats it. Cut to Pan Pan and the Stobat Coach at a dining table. In front of the Stobat Coach are plates of fried steaks, hamburgers, fried prawns with gravy, pies of pizza, and ten bowls of soda. In front of Pan Pan is a small, paper package.}

STOBAT COACH: {eating} Okay! If you want to lose weight, you have to eat miserably, eh!

PAN PAN: (I don't see a point in this. I have a healthy diet, which consists of bamboo sticks, a bowl of rice with five different types of gra...)

STOBAT COACH: I don't care if your diet consists solely of sodium chlorid-eh!

PAN PAN: (Well, you should be concerned if I eat only salt...)

STOBAT COACH: A-HA-EH! A confession! You're killing yourself with your salt diet! Well, agonize yourself no more! Open up that package and eat your breakfast, lunch, dinner, tomorrow's breakfast, tomorrow's lunch, and tomorrow's dinner!

PAN PAN: ((Radical...))

{Pan Pan reluctantly opens the package and pours its contents into his mouth. Suddenly, Pan Pan's face turns green before he runs away.}

STOBAT COACH: {shouting} Crappiest-tasting powder that's bound to make you vomit! The best way for you to lose weight by making sure you won't gain any calories! Genius, eh?

{Cut to a montage that has has images such as Pan Pan being forced to lift weights (labeled 100 TONS), forced to bungee-jump, forced to eat more of the powder from the paper packages, forced to run on a very fast-moving treadmill, and forced to do sit-ups (even though it's impossible for him to do so). Music, accompanied with the Stobat Coach's "Eh!"'s, is played in the montage. The Stobat Coach is seen eating in the montage images. Cut to an exhausted and starved Pan Pan walking down a dark hallway. He stops when he sees a chicken leg floating in front of him.}

PAN PAN: ((Is this a chicken leg I see before me?)) {pause} ((Who cares about dignity anymore? I'm eating!))

{Pan Pan chews on the chicken leg.}

VOICE: Pan Pan?

{Zoom out to reveal Pan Pan's chewing on 1-Up's (who's lying on a bed) right leg.}

1-UP: While you're at it, can you make sure to massage my left leg? Thanks.

{Cut to the Stobat Coach and Pan Pan in a bathroom. Pan Pan is standing on a scale. The Stobat Coach is reading the hologram screen projected from the scale.}

STOBAT COACH: So here's the readout for your weight, eh... {grimly} You've gained 7 pounds. {angrily} You've been cheating on the diet, haven't you, eh?

PAN PAN: (Actually, it's my metabolis...)

STOBAT COACH: Shut up! If you're not going to do this diet correctly, then I guess there's only one thing to do, eh?

{The Stobat Coach gets out a knife. Menacing music plays.}

STOBAT COACH: I'm going to have to remove your fat surgically!!!!! {laughing} Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh!!!

{Pan Pan's left eye twitches. Fade to black. A scream is heard. Cut to Stinkoman running down the dining room.}

STINKOMAN: What a day of challenges and explosions! I'm looking towards a feast tonight! {stops running} Whoa!

{Pan right to reveal a large plate of fried chicken on the dining table. There's a card that says "Belated B-Day Present!"}

STINKOMAN: All right! Somebody actually remembered my birthday! FEASTING DEUCE!!!

{Cut to Pan Pan in his room. He throws the Stobat Coach's fried head across the room and gets out his OptiPilot, which instantly shoots out a hologram screen with the email. What Pan Pan says is translated into text on the screen below the email.}

PAN PAN: (Well, I don't know who you guys are, but it's advisable if you just BACK OFF FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY IF YOU DON'T WANT DISMEMBERED BODY PARTS ON YOUR FRONT DOOR!!! You're lucky I'm not filing a law suit against you! Zeta Arts? Who needs that, eh?!?)

{Holographic text shoots out of the OptiPilot, starting Pan Pan a little. Zoom into what the holographic text says.}

Click here to email Pan Pan at flyingpanda529@cocomail.com

Easter Eggs

You will need to look for the Easter Eggs yourself in the Transcript. If you've found all three Easter Eggs, you are allowed to click on the [edit] button. If not, it's advised that you attempt to find the Easter Eggs. If you truly can't find all three, click on the [edit] button.


Fun Facts

  • This is the first OCE Pan Pan email written by Shim-Sham-Sam.
  • The Pan Pilot is based on Pom Pom's Pom Pilot. The Pan Pilot was used in some fanstuff, such as Other Character Email Stinkoman or Other Character Email 1-Up.
  • The last OCE Pan Pan email was written about two years ago (other emails written after "fatness" were never actually written).
  • Pan Pan's inbox originally had three other emails. The emails, at this time, are not in Pan Pan's inbox.
  • Pan Pan references Macbeth when he talks about the chicken leg.
  • Stinkoman's debut/birthday was on January 6th.
  • The Chorch in the Easter Egg is designed after Xyborg.


Other Character Email Pan Pan

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