Reality is a Harsh Mistress/Chapter 6

From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki

Tristan found a corner of the locker room that wasn't too filthy and sat on the floor. There was no point in getting changed. He was probably just going to be benched for the entire game anyway. As usual. He really hated this sport. He would've preferred to be at home, writing poetry. In fact, he was going to try doing that now, while he wasn't being pummeled. Tristan closed his eyes and started thinking of a theme for his new poem. Death he'd been using too much lately. He briefly considered infinity, but for some reason, all he could think of was what Dan had said earlier. He couldn't seem to let go of it. Well, he'd never written a poem about an identity crisis...

"Ah, Tristan. Just the guy I wanted to see."

Tristan opened his eyes, expecting to see someone with no mouth for a second, but it was just Coach Z. Either he was wanted to play the best position on the team, or he was wanted to play a position, or he was wanted to go on a meaningless errand. It was probably the third one.

"Oh," he said. "Hey, Coach Z."

"I need you to go find Victor," said Coach Z. He indicated a direction vaguely. "He's over that way somewheres. Out on the streets."

"Oh," said Tristan again. "Okay."

He stood up and left the room.

On the other side of the locker room, The Cheat had found Carlos, and managed to cheer him up enough that he wasn't terrified of anything that moved. Now they were talking to the mayor, an old man that The Cheat couldn't stop thinking of as the King of Town. Apparently he'd come to watch the game because he wanted to be cooler.

"Give it up, king," said The Cheat.

"King?" said the mayor.

"I mean mayor. Mayor," said The Cheat. "You'll never be cool."

"Yes I will!" said the mayor. "I'm down!"

"Down with what?" said The Cheat. "Eating?"

The mayor didn't even look offended. The Cheat had only spoken to the him once before in his life, and he knew almost nothing about him, but he did know a lot about the King of Town. Treating the mayor like the King of Town seemed to be working well so far.

"I hope Victor gets here soon," said Pom Pom, from behind them. The Cheat could barely even remember Pom Pom's real name. He thought it was probably Reginald. Something long and stupid sounding like that.

"I'll say!" said Coach Z. "I'll have to be turning these here cameras on in a few minutes!"

"Remind me again why you guys need cameras?" said The Cheat. "You're playing against—"

"A live game is just what we need to put Free Country on the map!" interrupted the mayor. "Which is, like totally bodacious... Yo?"

Tristan wandered the streets, lost in thought. He knew that the big game was probably important to someone, but he was more interested in his own problems. Such as what he really looked like. Tristan glanced down for the third time to make sure he was still wearing clothes. He was, but they felt strange. It was confusing. Tristan considered the possibility that Dan was trying to brainwash him in his sleep again, but dismissed it. That wasn't really Dan's style anymore.

Tristan was thinking about how irritating it was when he couldn't remember important things, when he heard Victor say, "Oh, I bet you have. Let's hear your idea."

He thought he'd better do what Coach Z had asked him before the game started. He ran in the direction of the voice, and soon located Victor and Dan in front of a giant scary black thing. Victor was lying on the ground for some reason.

"Oh, great!" said Dan, when he noticed Tristan. "Now I'm stuck out here with two losers!"

"You're not stuck with me!" said Tristan. "You could leave—"

"I think that's enough, Strong Sad," said Victor, standing up.

"What?" said Tristan.

That was his name, he was sure of it.

"Strong Sad... Strong Sad!" said Victor.

"I'm right here!" said Tristan.

"He can't hear you, man," said Dan, as Victor continued talking. "Go tell The Cheat that his computer has a virus in it."

"Oh, why don't you just tell him yourself?" said Tristan, fed up with his brother's weirdness already.

"I..." said Dan. "Happy freaking birthday!"

"What?" said Tristan again. "Victor, you're late for the big game!"

"I guess I just don't understaaaand the laaaadies," replied Victor. He stared at nothing for a few seconds, then added, "Oh, crap! It's the big game already?"

"Yes!" said Tristan.

"Well... I'm kinda in the middle of something right now... could you call back later?" said Victor.

"Homestar, what is stopping you from coming right now?" said Tristan, who felt like punching Victor in the face.

"The virus in The Cheat's computer, of course!" said Victor. "So, if you could just get rid of it..."

"Okay, get the vegetable. Now let's cheese it!" said Dan helpfully. Or maybe he'd said "Cheat it." Tristan wasn't sure. Then Dan said, "Look. Strong Sad. As much as I totally despise you as a person, and wish you'd get struck down by the, uh, buvomitic plague,"

"You mean the bubonic plague?" said Tristan.

"Yeah, probably," said Dan. "Anyways... You're our only hope! You've gotta shut down The Cheat's computer before the game starts! Oh man, you guys..."

"I am?" said Tristan.

"It's true," said Victor. "Now go forth, and pour melonade into The Cheat's computer!"

He picked up a bottle of melonade that was lying on the ground and offered it to Tristan.

"Why would I want to do that?" said Tristan, taking the bottle.

"Get famous... A little," said Dan. Then he said, "Just turn the computer off or something. Now move your fat butt before the virus takes over the world!"

"Uh... Okay," said Tristan uncertainly.

He had no idea what they were talking about, but it was obviously important to them. If Dan and Victor, weird as they both were, had got the idea that turning off The Cheat's computer would stop them from acting weirder than usual, then maybe it would. Maybe.

Tristan arrived at his house and looked at The Cheat's computer. It was turned on. Tristan sighed heavily and sat down. When he touched the mouse, it shocked him, knocking him to the ground. Tristan sat up and stared at the computer. That didn't usually happen. He didn't think computers were even set up to shock people. Not when they were working properly. He reached for the powerpoint, intending to pull the plug out. The power cord electrocuted him.

Or enough volts ran through him to kill him. Tristan had conducted a lot of research into the many ways he could die, so he was fairly certain that he should be dead. But he was just covered in soot. He had no third degree burns or anything. Unless he was in shock and the pain would set in later. That could still happen.

Tristan wondered how he could turn the computer off without touching it, then looked at the bottle of melonade. He thought back to what Victor had suggested. Was this virus they'd mentioned important enough to cause hundreds of dollars in property damage? He could always claim self defense, since the computer had tried to kill him, and everything. Tristan smiled slightly. Self defense against an inanimate object. That was funny. Well, he hoped The Cheat had backed up his files.

Tristan poured the bottle of melonade into the computer, shorting it out.

The Cheat searched in a locker for his cigarettes. He knew he'd hidden them in here somewhere... He listened to the others, babbling like idiots.

"We're gonna get clobbered!" said Coach Z.

"No really," said the mayor. "I can play guitar, even!"

"I WANNA BREAK SOMETHING!" said Carlos.

Everyone present clearly heard a zap. Then, everybody present got a splitting headache. The Cheat wondered what had just happened, and why he was standing in his smokes locker. He had a vague, lingering fear of going home, which vanished within ten seconds.

"Oh jeez..." said Coach Z, holding his head. "Did I pass out again?"

"Looks like you held one wicked party in here!" said The King of Town.

"Oh, I hope you didn't," said Marzipan threateningly.

The Cheat jumped down, looked outside and noted that it was sunset. He wondered aloud who would have a wild party in the middle of the day.

"I would!" said The King of Town.

"Well, I need to get home and make sure Homestar didn't eat all my leftover tofu roast," said Marzipan, with one last suspicious glance at Coach Z.

"I need to get home and make sure I did eat all the leftover deer roast!" said The King of Town.

"I need to get me a spaceman!" said Homsar.

Pom Pom bubbled an excuse as well.

"Aw, nuts," said Coach Z. "You guys were supposed to practice for the big game tomorrow!"

The Cheat and Strong Mad left to find out if Strong Bad knew why half the town had woken up in Coach Z's locker room with no memory of the past few hours. He usually did.

And a short distance away, Homestar stopped fighting with Strong Bad over an imaginary radish and looked around.

"Wow... Ow!" he said, because Strong Bad was still hitting him. "Everything's all, ooh! Cartoony again."

"Get out of the way, Homestar!" said Strong Bad, still using his old voice.

"Uh... Strong Bad?" said Homestar, ducking a punch.

"Holy crap!" said Strong Bad. "Holy crap!"

Homestar narrowed his eyes and tried to block a kick with an arm he didn't have.

"Strong Bad, I'm gonna go play with magnets in your computer room," he said.

"What?!" said Strong Bad, freezing. Then he held his head and shook it from side to side. "Whoa... Thanks for snapping me out of that, I guess."

"Snapping you out of it?" said Homestar, sounding confused. "I just told you I was going to play with magnets in your computer room!"

He pranced off, and Strong Bad gave chase through the field. The green, houseless field. He tackled Homestar just as he was entering Strong Bad's house, fished around in his pockets, and handcuffed Homestar's leg to a table. Hyperdimensional pockets were just one of the many benefits of being a cartoon character that Strong Bad had missed. They were way better than having fingers, anyway. Or having everything think he was crazy.

"Stay here," he told Homestar.

"What does a guy have to do to find a magnet around here?" said Homestar, who was apparently too stupid to notice what Strong Bad had done.

Strong Bad entered The Cheat's computer room, where Strong Sad was staring at the computer and looking puzzled. There was smoke coming out of the back. In Strong Bad's experience, smoke coming out of the back of a computer was rarely a good sign.

"What'd you do to The Cheat's computer?" he said angrily.

"I dunno, I—" said Strong Sad.

"I just said to turn it off or something!"

"Wait a minute!" said Strong Sad. "What do you have to do with this?"

That should've been obvious. Unless...

"What, don't you remember?" said Strong Bad.

"Uh... No, I don't," said Strong Sad. "I just woke up and I was pouring melonade into the computer. Did you brainwash me in my sleep again?"

Homestar hopped into the room, dragging the chair behind him. He was waving a large magnet in the air.

"Congratulations, Strong Sad, you saved the world!" he said. "Return to starting point. Challenge again!"

"What?" said Strong Sad. "Strong Bad, what is going on?"

"Well... you're gonna get punched in the face if you don't go away in the next five seconds. That's what's going on," said Strong Bad, who didn't feel like explaining himself to Strong Sad after everything he'd been through.

Strong Sad went away.

"I hope you're going to pay for The Cheat's computer!" he said as he left.

"Wish your computer had a virus," muttered Strong Bad. "Hey uh, Homestar. Who were you gonna play in that game, anyway?"

He was curious. He hadn't seen anyone else around.

"Pile of Electronics State, of course!" said Homestar.

"So... You were gonna televise you, playing your freaked out game, against a TV, a microwave, and a VCR," said Strong Bad.

"It's America's pastime!" said Homestar, as Strong Bad picked up the empty bottle and inspected it.

"Homestar, that line was old like, five years ago," he said.

"Ma-hem," said a voice from below.

Strong Bad looked down. Then he looked up.

"Oh, hey The Cheat, Strong Mad," said Strong Bad nervously. The Cheat was staring at his ruined computer. "Uh, this isn't what it looks like. It was Strong Sad, he poured the melonade into your... Wah!"

Strong Bad ducked a punch from Strong Mad and ran for his life. Strong Mad gave chase.

"And so everything went back to normal," said Homestar cheerfully.

"Except normally, Strong Mad isn't trying to kill me!" said Strong Bad, panting. "Help me out here!"

"Thanks for coming, everyone!" said Homestar.

Strong Sad entered his room and climbed into bed. He needed to sleep off his headache. Or at least nap off his headache. He turned towards the wall, trying to remember what he'd been trying to remember five minutes ago. And so he completely missed the dialogue box that had popped up on his computer.

Download Complete

AND... SCENE!

Author's Notes

• That's it. That's the whole fic. I have the feeling that I didn't explain some things properly. The perils of not having a beta reader. I was going to write an epilogue at one point, until I realised that I didn't know what I hadn't explained properly.
• Homestar saying "Return to starting point! Challenge again!" is a reference to Ghosts 'n Goblins, a notoriously difficult NES game. That line was most of the ending, or so I heard.
• Strong Bad wasn't stuck playing out the Reddest Radish after Strong Sad melonaded The Cheat's computer. He just wanted an excuse to beat up Homestar. But that's not very clear in the story.
• Strong Sad not being sure whether Strong Bad said "cheat" or "cheese" is a reference to this. I wasn't there for that discussion, but I found it when I did the subtitles for the Reddest Radish.
• I originally had a different ending for the story, where the characters lecture the reader about the importance of regular virus scans. And then Homestar says, "And now we know," and Reynold randomly comes in and starts to say that knowing is half the battle. But Strong Bad kicks him into a wall before he can finish. I scrapped that ending when I realised that it made no sense.