Other Character Email Pan Pan/Technology

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Contents

Summary

Pan Pan shows the audience a video of a part of the Technology course he once taught. Then he shows us some other technology not covered in the video. And then...

Cast (in order of appearance): Pan Pan, High School Students, Chorches, Cheatball, 1-Up, Stinkoman, 20X6 Marzipan, Hybrid Employee (Easter Egg), Stobat Coach (Easter Egg)

Page Title: OptiPilot XZ - Did it again (but not anymore)

Words: 2,333

Transcript

{Cut to Pan Pan lying on his bed. His OptiPilot is on the bedstand table. He's still wearing his ski cap.}

PAN PAN: (Ugh... I feel a little weird. Slight headaches, and all, except aspirin won't make it go away.) {looks at his OptiPilot} (Maybe I should check an email outside, for some fresh air and stimulation for thought.)

{Cut to Pan Pan walking to a tree outside Stinkoman HQ.}

PAN PAN: (Well, here I am. Outside. And my head still hurts. Maybe I should change my routine a little bit by choosing which email I want to answer. That way, I can decide how to answer the email.)

{The OptiPilot shoots out a holographic screen showing Pan Pan's inbox. He instantly lights up when he reads the first email in the inbox.}

PAN PAN: (This is great! It allows me to "answer" an email and have some rest and relaxation at the same time! I'll just do the most I can before the OptiPilot does the rest!)

{The OptiPilot shoots out another holographic screen with the selected email. Cut to the screen. Pan Pan reads it out loud.}

{What Pan Pan says is translated into English text on the screen below the email.}

PAN PAN: (Well, we have tons of impressive technology. And seeing that you've made it a necessity to know about the technology of us middle-class-ers, you're most likely a barbarian. Particularly one who lives with clams. And kisses them. So, if you have some sense, the technology in "StinkoHQ" is pretty much similar to what most of those who are in the middle-class buy. It's easier for the richer to buy them, of course, so that's why they have better, but slightly unnecessary technology. It's pretty simple, if you apply social classes into your second question, Clamkisser.)

{Suddenly, Pan Pan grabs his head.}

PAN PAN: (Whoa. I feel dizzy. Maybe that answer was too long... Anyway, as for the technology, I'll show you some of the technology in a recorded video going through a lesson when I once taught Technology at some high school. (Memories were horrid...))

{Cut to a high school classroom with students sitting at their desks. Pan Pan is in front of the class behind the teacher's desk, wearing lensless glasses and holding a stack of papers.}

PAN PAN: (I've graded all of your exams, and let me say this: None of you passed.)

STUDENT #1: That's it! We've had enough of this CRAP!

STUDENT #2: Yeah! Down with the teacher!

STUDENT #3: Down with that freakin' panda!

PAN PAN: (Hey! Shut up! You're going to be expe-)

STUDENT #1: KILL HIM!!!

STUDENT #2: VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!!

{All of the students run at Pan Pan. Fade to black. Cut to an unconscious Pan Pan strapped to a metallic table surrounded by angry students. Pan up to reveal a floating guillotine blade, ready to slam down on Pan Pan's neck. When Pan Pan opens his eyes and sees the blade, he begins to scream as the blade begins its descent.}

{Cut back to Pan Pan by the tree.}

PAN PAN: (Bad times... bad times... Anyways, I'll turn on the video...)

{Pan Pan holds the OptiPilot and focuses. Then the OptiPilot shoots out a holographic image of a classroom with Pan Pan (wearing his lensless glasses) teaching Technology 404. The camera zooms in on the video. Behind the Pan Pan in the video is a board that's serving as a large screen.}

PAN PAN: (Okay class. Welcome to Technology. I am your teacher, Pan Pan.)

STUDENT #1: Why is a panda teaching us?

PAN PAN: {sternly} (Detention.) {normally} (Now, instead of going through all of that introductory crap every bonehead teacher likes to go through at the beginning of the school year, I'm going to go straight to the point with Tele/HoloVision with a PowerStab Presentation.)

{The board/screen behind Pan Pan shows a computer presentation. A slide comes onscreen, showing an image of Stinkoman's TV.}

PAN PAN: (This is an Obedient Television, which we now call "TV". It's based on the old television model used in the 21st century. It should be outdated and be replaced by the HoloVision, which is what we use today (and if you don't know what a HoloVision is, I have no sympathy for you grade). However, it has, compared to ancient television sets, higher quality.)

{A new slide appears, showing a video game played on the TV. Despite the fact that the video game is of 8-bits, the visuals look very life-like.}

PAN PAN: (Another important feature of the Obedient Television that makes it useful is that it can register your DNA. After that, it only follows your orders and actually follows you around when you want it to, making it convenient to carry around, especially since you don't actually have to carry it. Unfortunately, only the visuals are life-like. And this ends the talk on Obedient Television, so...)

{A new slide appears with the following instructions. The students groan.}

ESSAY


Write an 800-word essay writing about the Obedient Television's NitrogeCalSodium Dipolar Cells' structure and function. Write how the NitrogeCalSodium Dipolar Cells allow Obedient Television sets to follow the registered user. You will be required to present your essay after 15 minutes.
You will be graded on your ideas, organization, voice, grammar, spelling, and enunciation.

PAN PAN: (Hey! Stop groaning and work on your essays!) {looks at digital clock} (The clock is ticking (you should know they don't).)

{Pan swipe. The caption "25 minutes later" appears. Pan Pan looks angry at the students.}

PAN PAN: (I'm disappointed in you! You're seniors, going onto college next year, and you can't produce quality essays in a short amount of time? You can't speak properly?)

STUDENT #2: You don't even speak Engli-

PAN PAN: {sternly} (Detention.) {normally} (Since this is the first day, I'll curve the grade and give everyone who attempted to present a C. Everybody else, F.)

{Protests from the students. Pan Pan swings his fist onto his desk, silencing the class.}

PAN PAN: (Now, next item, HoloVision.)

{A new slide appears on the board/screen, showing a floating, metallic platform in a living room. Another slide appears, showing the platform shooting out extremely life-like holographic projections.}

PAN PAN: (The HoloVision, HV, is the replacement of the television set. As you can see behind me, its holographic projections are so real, you can even smell what perfumes actresses in a movie are wearing. And so...)

{A new slide appears with a multiple-choice question.}

QUESTION


What is the frequency wavelength of HV broadcasts when HV's are being tested in factories?

a. 9 kHz
b. 837 Hz
c. 1,000 MHz
d. 6 GHz
e. None of the above

Points for participation (but only if you get the question right).

{One of the students raises his hand.}

PAN PAN: (Yes?)

STUDENT #4: Uh... e?

PAN PAN: (Wrong. You lose 5 points.)

{One of the students raises her hand.}

STUDENT #5: D...

PAN PAN: (I didn't call on you! Get out and go to the principal. NOW!)

{Suddenly, the video stops. Cut to Pan Pan (in the present) with his OptiPilot.}

PAN PAN: (Hmm... it stopped already? I could've sworn it went all the way to holographic projectors... One of the students must've sabotaged the camera. (Those rascals...) Well...)

{The OptiPilot shoots out a screen where text translated from Pan Pan's speech appear.}

PAN PAN: (There were some more stuff I wanted to show you, but I guess technical issues prevented me from doing that. Well, I'll show you two more, Clam Lips...)

{Cut to Pan Pan in the room with the floating incinerator from the previous email. It's shooting out sparks and lava (setting fire to some parts of the room) while emitting vomiting noises.}

PAN PAN: (Uh... this is the incinerator, which is supposed to burn things to crisp. I remember burning 1-Up's "keyboard" to crisp... and I think that keyboard's poisonous, which is why it's "sick"...)

INCINERATOR: {stuttering robotic voice} W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w...

'{Suddenly, Pan Pan grasps his head.}

PAN PAN: (I think I have an idea why I feel sick now. That keyboard was dangerous. It must've released some poisonous vapors. After I lay down for about an hour, I'll get to the last thing I wanted to show you, Clamperkisser.)

{Pan Pan walks off-screen. Fade to black.}

{Cut to a montage, showing Pan Pan directing Chorches who are carrying a sleeping 1-Up and his bed at night. Then it shows Pan Pan with a tiny monitor, giving it commands. Then it shows Cheatball dropping tiny gadgets on the ground around 1-Up sleeping in his bed. Fade to black.}

{Cut to 1-Up waking up in his bed. Only his lower body's visible.}

1-UP: {yawning} I'm awake. Now it's time to start another day! I think I'll have pudding for breakfast!

{1-Up gets up from his bed. However, when he leaves his bed, 1-Up's lower body is still lying on the bed. Ominous music starts to play.}

{Cut to the kitchen. Stinkoman and Pan Pan are having breakfast (Stinkoman-shaped pancakes and rice, respectively).}

STINKOMAN: Man! WHAT'S taking 1-Up so long to wake up! It's 10 AM!!!

PAN PAN: (You have to consider that we're eating breakfast late.)

STINKOMAN: Oh, yeah.

PAN PAN: (Just wait. I kind of prefer mornings when 1-Up oversleeps. More calm, especially for my frequent headaches.)

{1-Up runs onscreen, slips, and falls onto the floor. Then he gets up}

1-UP: Hey guys! 1-Up's awake! I want breakfast!

{Stinkoman and Pan Pan, still eating, do not react to 1-Up's appearance.}

1-UP: Uh... guys? Hello? {whining} I don't want to get the breakfast by myself!

{Stinkoman and Pan Pan don't pay attention to 1-Up's whines.}

1-UP: Fine.

{1-Up goes to the refridgerator and makes to open it. However, the door doesn't open.}

1-UP: Eh? What is this? Why can't the door open? Wah! It must be hating "no-arms" today!

{1-Up runs to Stinkoman.}

1-UP: Stinkoman! Stinkoman! Stinkoman! The white box has gone evil!

{Stinkoman doesn't pay attention to 1-Up.}

1-UP: What is this? Some kind of game! I think I lo-

{Suddenly, 1-Up trips and falls, falling through Stinkoman and his chair. He gets a look of complete shock as his breathing speeds up.}

1-UP: I'm dead... I'm dead... I'm a ghost!

{Just then, the refridgerator door opens, revealing 1-Up's severed head. 1-Up screams and sprints to the right, shrieking.}

PAN PAN: {voiceover} (Perfect.)

{The camera follows 1-Up as he runs through a wall and to outside. 1-Up runs by 20X6 Marzipan.}

1-UP: {crying} WAHHH!!!! I'm dead! I'm dead! I'm dead! I'm a ghost! I died! I'm dead! I'm an invisible ghost! I died! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

{1-Up runs offscreen.}

20X6 MARZIPAN: Oh dear... that means I'm dead too if normal people are ignoring me and if I can see ghosts.

{1-Up runs back onscreen, running to the left, screaming and crying.}

20X6 MARZIPAN: E-excuse me...

1-UP: {crying} ...dead! I'm dead! I died! I'm a ghost! I died young! I didn't even get to eat Mount Puddimanjaro! WAHHH!!! WHY DID I HAVE TO DIE???

{1-Up runs off-screen. 20X6 Marzipan sighs.}

20X6 MARZIPAN: I guess I died twice if he ignored me: Once as a human, and once as a ghost.

{Cut to 1-Up running through a wall, back into the kitchen. He runs past Stinkoman and Pan Pan (still having breakfast), and runs through another wall to outside. He runs through an open door. Suddenly, 1-Up stops.}

1-UP: Huh. That's strange. I left the kitchen and entered...

STINKOMAN: {off-screen} Quick! Before he uses his common sense!

{Pan Pan and Stinkoman jump onscreen from the left and point at 1-Up, laughing.}

PAN PAN: {laughing} (APRIL FOOLS! You completely fell for my prank!)

1-UP: What?!? Oh man! Not again!

{Pan to the right to the "kitchen". Suddenly, deactivating noises are heard as the "kitchen" fades, revealing that it's a large hologram let out by the gadgets (projectors) Cheatball was seen dropping onto the ground earlier.}

PAN PAN: {voiceover} (And this is the last bit of technology I wanted to show you, Kissing Clam, master hologram projectors. Master hologram projectors, coupled with...)

{The monitor Pan Pan was seen with before appears.}

PAN PAN: {voiceover} (...a monitor that uses its programming to transmit holograms from commands, make extremely life-like surroundings.)

{Cut to 1-Up leaving his bed with a hologram of 1-Up lying on the bed.}

PAN PAN: {voiceover} (The more master hologram projectors laid on the ground (done by Cheatball), the more control you have of the virtual environment, which was how I was able to make 1-Up's hologram lie on the bed, which had to be brought into this environment so 1-Up still has a bed to sleep on. Good thing he lives on the same floor as the kitchen imitated, or we'd have to bring a set to imitate stairs.)

{Cut to Pan Pan and Stinkoman's holograms from before in the "kitchen", eating "breakfast".}

PAN PAN: {voiceover} (And since I had more control of the environment, I was able to program Stinkoman's hologram and my hologram to act like normal people while ignoring 1-Up. And since holograms are intangible, it's perfect for making 1-Up think he's a ghost.)

{Cut to Pan Pan with his OptiPilot, looking through a window in his room.}

PAN PAN: (I see the Chorches are already cleaning things up. Anyway, now I'll just confine myself in my room to prevent being pranked my-)

{Just then, the lights go out.}

1-UP: {off-screen} Ha-ha! April Pranks!

PAN PAN: {voice only} (First of all, it's April Fools. Second of all, sabotaging the generator isn't a prank! It's a financial burden!)

{The OptiPilot (not visible) shoots out a holographic screen (which lights up the room a bit), which says the following.}

Click here to email Pan Pan at flyingpanda529@cocomail.com

{Pause.}

PAN PAN: (Why do I have the feeling that some universe's been destroyed?)

Easter Eggs

You will need to look for the 4 Easter Eggs yourself in the Transcript. If you've found all Easter Eggs, you are allowed to click on the [edit] button. If not, it's advised that you attempt to find all Easter Eggs. If you truly can't find them, click on the [edit] button.


Fun Facts

  • The email was released in three parts: The first part was released on March 31, the April Fools version of the second part of the email was released hours later, and the real version of the second part of the email (which starts from the montage starting with Pan Pan directing Chorches) was released on April 3.
    • The April Fools version of this email email was shown on the page Other Character Email Pan Pan.
    • The first email, Diet was also modified for April Fools.
    • The April Fools versions of the two emails can be found in an Easter Egg.
  • The page title refers to the ending of Other Character Email Gunhaver, which involved the killing of almost all characters, similar to what happened in the April Fools versions of Diet and Technology.
  • The cause of Pan Pan's sickness (1-Up's "keyboard") and the floating incinerator are from Keyboard.
  • A guillotine is a machine used for executions by decapitation. It was used in the French Revolution.
  • PowerStab is based on Microsoft PowerPoint.
  • The name "NitrogeCalSodium" is based on the names of the elements nitrogen, calcium, and sodium.
  • Click here to read about wavelengths and frequency.
  • Hologram Stinkoman eating Stinkoman-shaped pancakes references Happy Trogday.
  • Mount Puddimanjaro is a parody of Mt. Kilimanjaro in Tanzania.


Other Character Email Pan Pan

Diet | Pans | Friendship | Amusement Park | Time Travel | Tai Chi | Keyboard | Technology | Pom Pom | Aliens | Movies

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