Other Character Email Videlectrix/crash

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Contents

Overview

Videlectrix Email #5

Videlectrix gets advice from Jesty that eventually proves to be fatal to Videlectrix.

Cast (in order of appearance): Graphic Designer #1, Graphic Designer #2, CEO, Playtester (offscreen), Art Man, Programmer, Bill Gates

Places: Videlectrix Apartment, Microsoft Fortress, Blank Advertising Space

Computer: 286 CGA Enabled PC

Date: January 30, 2006

Lines: 106

Transcript

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: Email is the-

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: Wait, I'll do it. {Coughs} Videotronic leisure units are pretty good, but non-videotronic messages are better!

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: Um...

CEO: I'll have to admit it, Conley. That wasn't very good.

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: What gives? You're supposed to be on my side!

CEO: Oh, right. ...{Throws a CD at Graphic Designer #2} You suck!

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: What'd I do?

CEO: Nothing, I just wanted to destroy this newfangled Halo disc. {Throws the crumpled-up CD at something off-camera.}

PLAYTESTER: Gaack!

{The Playtester, still offscreen, crumbles to the ground.}

{The first Graphic Designer reads the email extremely dramatically, ending with an unenthusiastic "Jest-Ai".}

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: Final cut? More like, final SLASH! {Pulls a large knife and stabs the monitor}

{The computer makes a buzzing sound and the words on the screen begin to dribble through the giant hole in the screen. They slowly pour out of the hole as a sickly white bubbling liquid.}

ART MAN: GAAH! Stop acting like your horrible partner! Computers cost money, you know!

{A "Budget Meter" appears. Starting at $101, it decreases to $51.}

CEO: And how'd you get that knife, anyway? It's, uh... Kinda cool, actually.

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: Company funds.

{The budget meter decreases to $25.}

PROGRAMMER: My +2 jeans! The White Goo got a 6 on the roll and dealt 3 damage! I'll have to get new ones!

{The budget meter continues to decrease, seemingly forever and into the negatives.}

CEO: No prob. I'll just take some money from my old friend Bill.

PROGRAMMER: You know Bill the Bullet??

CEO: No. I meant I was going to...

{Cut to the Microsoft Fortress, where Bill Gates is standing in front of a large computer.}

BILL GATES: HOW?? HOW COULD HE HACK OUR BANK COMPUTER?? Our firewalls are so strong, nothing can break through! Not viruses, not fingers, not jumping beans, NOTHING! I've got to get this stuff updated!

{Billy turns around, and a Microsoft Assassin comes up.}

MICROSOFT ASSASSIN: Um, sir, your firewalls are in tip-top shape. They're from 10 years in the future. But... You're usilng Windows, remember?

BILL GATES: Did you just critisize my ultimate OS?

MICROSOFT ASSASSIN: N-

{A giant metal stomping thingy crushes the assassin. Billy laughs evilly, and the camera soon cuts back to the Videlectrix Apartment, where the computer has been repaired. The budget meter is back at $100.}

PROGRAMMER: Wow. How'd you get that +3000 dollar unit so quickly and easily? Your Thievery and Intelligence ratings must have both equaled 260 or more to hack a high-tech security system.

CEO: Nah. It's so easy, that squirrel could do it.

{The camera shifts to a squirrel in a tree next to a window.}

CEO:' {Motions to the squirrel} Come on! Hack the firewall, coochie coo!

{The squirrel comes in through the window and types something on the keyboard with its limbs. Another budget meter labeled "SquirrelTech Funding" appears in the corner. It increases from 0 to $1,000. The squirrel leaves the apartment.}

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. Let's check some email.

{As he begins to type in "vmail.uxu", RunningMan runs by with a banner saying "You already got one, idiot! Answer it!"}

GRAPIHC DESIGNER #1: What? RunningMan is sassing back to me! If this is your fault... {Jabs the second graphic designer}

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: No. Jesty asked us to show us some games that didn't make the final cut, and then you took it literally, with semi-hilarious consequences.

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: Oh, right. I'll let old CE1 handle this.

CEO: Yeah, okay.

{A white background appears, and the CEO drops randomly into it. After he gets up...}

CEO: Okay, let's see... {Digging through a vault offscreen} Ah, here's one! {Runs onscreen, holdling a game cover.} Prance Prance Evolution! {The game is labeled "Prance Prance Evolution Ultra Max Super 37", with a silhouetted ballerina.} Have you ever wanted to live out your prancing ballet fantasies, without an expensive, crappy dance mat? Right now, from the vault, Prance Prance Evolution allows your left thumb to bend in an unhealthy way, all over the D-pad! Groove out to such tunes as: "Butterfiles in my small intestine" by Deja Voodoo, "I Frickin' Love You" by BLISTARR, "Brazil Nut Ballet" by Green Day, and much, much more! This awesome prototype game is designed for the Atari Funmachine!

{He goes offscreen and grabs another game from the vault.}

CEO: Uh, here's one... EXTREME PRINTER SURFING... {Holds up another game box and looks closely at it} MONOPOLY! Isn't playing Monopoly with REAL people SOOO boring? It SUCKS! Yeah, that's right! Now, monopoly comes to the Videlectrix LCD Reader... And this time, you go up against the toughest AI surfing printers ever designed for the Videlectrix LCD! And, get this... This game comes with a FREE miniature house, so if you decide you need another stupid freakin' house for your stupid, crappy, sucky real-life Monopoly game, you can have one! There! PLAY YOUR STUPID MONOPOLY! PLAY IT, SUCKERS!

{He jumps at the camera. After a brief static moment, the CEO is back on the screen with a black eye. He holds up another game box, "Wilton's Secret Faucet" with a little fat kid holding a champagne glass menacingly.}

CEO: Here's {cough} Wilton's Secret Faucet. In his HUGE, 2-level adventure on the Super Funmachine! After a little fatso tubby gets stuck in an EEEEVILLL faucet, he must use his ultimate champagne glass on his incredible journey to stop the Evil Drop of Chlorinated Water from slightly chlorinating the house's water supply! The results could be deadly, or they could not affect anything! Either way, Wilton will be sure that the wretched water will be out of the faucet by noon. {Um, what?}

{Cut to the Videlectrix Apartment again. the CEO randomly falls into the apartment, out of no where.}

CEO: Man, those games were all good! We should sell them.

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #1: Yeah, I don't have any idea how those games were rejected. I mean, I'd play 'em. I have, er, ballet fantasies that you might not want to know about.

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: Guys, this might not be the best idea...

PROGRAMMER: Since when have we listened to you, +1 Loser?

{Silence.}

ART MAN: {Snort} Heh. +1 Loser.

CEO: Heh. Good one, Dave.

{Much snorting occurs. More silence.}

PROGRAMMER: Oh, yeah. +1 Loser. Ha. How'd I come up with that?

GRAPHIC DESIGNER #2: Ughh...

{A newspaper comes up.}

CEO: Okay, guys. Don't panic. We'll think of something. We'll get some more money... I'll just steal some from Microsoft.

CEO: Aww, Billy is going shopping for clothes! Anybody have ideas? Dave? Conley? That other guy? The guy who drinks coffee? How about you? {Points directly at the viewers}

{The camera shifts a little bit to the right, showing that he was actually pointing to the Playtester.}

PLAYTESTER: We could sell lemonade!

CEO: You know what? That's a great idea!

{Cut to outside, where the Programmer is mantaining a crappy lemonade stand while the CEO runs wildly around the street with a sign saying "BUY OUR LEMONADE! IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE"}

CEO: {To a car} Hey! Want some lemonade?

LADY: Bob, drive faster! We need to get away from the poor district!

BOB: I'm driving as fast as I can!

CEO: This obviously isn't going to work.

{RunningMan runs across the screen, carrying a banner that reads "Click Here To Email Videlectrix".}

Easter Eggs

  • None.

Fun Facts

  • Halo is a famous XBox shooting game.
  • CE1 is a user on this wiki.
  • Prance Prance Evolution is a parody of Dance Dance Revolution.
  • "Prance Prance Evolution Ultra Max Super 37" is a parody of the ridiculous titles that DDR games sometimes take on. ("Ultra Max 3")
  • Green Day is a real band. Thatkidsam just wanted to make fun of them.
  • Monopoly is a widely-known board game.
  • Wilton's Secret Faucet is a twisted version of the not-so-well-known NES game, Milton's Secret Castle.

Author's Comments

  • Rating: 8.5
  • This was really fun to make. Ah, Prance Prance Evolution... Tis a family joke, and I'm glad I got to use it here.

Reader Comments

Care to write a review? Format it like the above self-review.

  • Rating: 8.5
  • This one was fun for almost the whole way through. The parts I especially liked was the slashed computer scene, "Butterflies in my small intestine", the newspaper ads, and the CE1 joke that you forgot to put in the fun facts. [Oops! My bad. --THATKIDSAM 22:07, 31 January 2006 (UTC)] - Joshua, your master. 03:16, 31 January 2006 (UTC)
  • Rating: 8.5.
  • This was pretty good. I liked the budget meter scene, the slashing the computer, Bill Gates, throwing a Halo CD at Graphic Designer #2, the squirrel, Prance Prance Revolution, and Billy shopping for clothes. - SHIM-SHAM-SAM

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