Fake Character Email Dan/mystery

From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki

Dan gets a mysterious email. Plot happens.

Cast (In order of appearance): Dan, Victor, The Cheat, Carlos, The Cheat, Coach Z Tristan

Places: Dan's Computer Room, The Athletics Field, Tristan's Room

Date: February 23, 2007

Length: 62 lines

Transcript

{Dan's computer room is empty. Pan to the right to see Victor, standing in the exact same position he was in at the end of the last email. Dan walks in from the left}

DAN: Are you still here?

VICTOR: {slowly} I think I would be an important asset to your email—

DAN: Shut up. {muttering} If it wasn't for my stash of extremely illegal Turkish bread, I'd be calling the cops on you right about now. {He sits down at his computer and types strongbad_email.exe} Let's get to checking.

subject:The Cheat

Dan,
Bring The Cheat to the sports field at 12:00 midnight. This is extremely urgent.

-Mysterious Mystery

{Dan reads "Mysterious Mystery" in a questioning tone}

DAN: {typing} Look, The Cheat's creepy step dad, for the last time, I am not holding your stepson for ransom. So quit writing me! {To himself} Now, what to do with you... I know! DELET

THE CHEAT: {offscreen, interrupting} That's not my step dad.

{Cut to a wide shot}

VICTOR: Dun dun DUN!

DAN: {To Victor} What is wrong with you? {To The Cheat} What do you mean that's not your step dad? That email is just dripping with your stepdad-oscity.

THE CHEAT: He doesn't have your email address, and he doesn't call me The Cheat. Duh.

DAN: {Splutters} Okay, fine. {Presses enter a couple of times, types again} As much as I'd like to comply with your request, Mysterioso, I'm busy tonight. I got... stuff. Important stuff. High-priority stuff. But I'm sure Carlos would love to take The Cheat out on a field trip. Let's use the magic of scene changes to see how it'll go down.

{Cut to the athletics field at night. It's raining. The Cheat and Carlos come into shot. Both are carrying torches (Australia word for flashlight). Carlos waves his torch around at head height}

THE CHEAT: {Quietly} Don't see anybody.

{The Cheat shines his torch around on the ground. It illuminates something yellow, so he goes to investigate}

THE CHEAT: Someone left a little animal out here.

{The Cheat picks it up. It's the real The Cheat. Human The Cheat will now be referred to as Baxter to differentiate the two. The Cheat is shivering because he's wet and cold}

BAXTER: A yellow dog?

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}

CARLOS: IT'S SO CUTE!

{Baxter looks around}

BAXTER: Where's that guy I'm supposed to meet?

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}

{Carlos flashes his torch around the field. It is obviously empty, except for Coach Z, who's passed out on the ground near the locker room}

THE CHEAT: {Frustrated The Cheat noises, waves his arm}

BAXTER: Whatever. Let's get this little guy out of the rain.

{Cut to Tristan's room. Tristan is standing against the wall, and Dan is pummeling him.}

TRISTAN: Ow! Quit it!

DAN: {Laughs}

{A reverse angle shots shows Carlos, Baxter and The Cheat entering the room. Tristan is no longer visible}

BAXTER: Dan?

DAN: {Looks around, stops punching Tristan} Go away. I'm— What the crap is that thing?

THE CHEAT: {Excited The Cheat noises}

BAXTER: We found him at the athletics field. Can I keep him?

DAN: Uh... What does it do?

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises}

{The Cheat produces a knife and walks offscreen}

TRISTAN: {Offscreen} Oww! My skin!

DAN: Whoa, that's awesome! What else can it do?

{The Cheat comes back into shot}

THE CHEAT: {Insistent The Cheat noises}

DAN: {Simultaneously} Like, can it make me a Long Island Iced Tea, or do my laundry?

BAXTER: He can pull a knife out of the air.

DAN: That's pretty cool. {strokes chin} Okay, The Cheat, I guess you can keep it.

{Carlos grins}

BAXTER: Yes!

THE CHEAT: {frustrated The Cheat noises}

{Cut to Dan sitting in front of his computer}

DAN: {typing} So, uh, thanks for the little yellow squeaky thing, Mystery Man. I guess we owe you. Though I don't know why that was so important to you. Were you being evicted and had to give your yellow squeaky thing away real quick? Or was it gonna be put down at the shelter or something? Anyways, I'm gonna drink that Long Island Iced Tea it made me.

{Dan types the_paper.exe, the printer prints The Paper, which still reads "Click here to email Dan", and Dan tapes it to the top of the screen. Then he gets up, not making The Geddup Noise since his floor is carpeted.}

{After ten seconds have passed, cut to a view of Tristan's wall}

TRISTAN: {Offscreen} Uh, hello? Guys? I'm still bleeding... I could really use some first aid...

Fun Facts

• Tristan quoted The Ugly One when he said "Ow! My skin!" I may have overdone it with the abuse.
• The Cheat was described as a yellow dog in army.