Other Character Email Jaro/girlfriend

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Stacy is a severe hotty.

Cast:Jaro, Chorch, Grundy, Man, Kids, Saargtsson, random minions, Stacy, Stlunko, Waiter robots, Kevin, Poopsmith

Lines:189

Summery: Jaro tells us about a long gone girlfriend.

Transcript

{Cut to some street back on Earth. Jaro and the rest of the trio are walking down the street.}

JARO: Man. I can’t believe that those bozos destroyed our computer.

GRUNDY: Lets see if they have any here.

{They go into a building marked “Generic Computer Store”. Inside, there’s a lot of technology everywhere. The trio walks up to the counter.}

JARO: Hello kind sir. We’d like to buy a computer. Do you have any X-5’s in stock?

MAN: X-5’s? Ha! Those went out of style 5 seconds ago!

JARO: Okay…what computer do you have?

MAN: Well, with new computers, iPods and cell phones being made every minute, I’d suggest what’s coolest and newest at the time. Presenting… the Lappit 258! {holds up a lappy-like computer} It’s smaller, more portable, and more stain-resistant than the X-5! It also makes nachos.

GRUNDY: Cool! We’ll take it.

{Chorch hands the man some money, and they walk outside. A bunch of kids are standing there.}

KID #1: Look! Those geeks still have a Lappit! Those went out 3 milliseconds ago! Let’s laugh at them!

{The kids point and laugh at the trio.}

JARO: Let’s get out of here. They’re lowering my self-esteem.

{Cut to the Z-ship. Jaro places the computer on a desk.}

JARO: Lappit, activate!

{The Lappit’s screen lights up and a happy face appears on-screen.}

LAPPIT: Hello! I am the Lappit 258!

JARO: Cool. Awesome. We already knew that. What can you do?

LAPPIT: Well, {a list of stuff it can do goes down it’s screen while it speaks, going so fast you cannot read it.} I am capable of time-travel, I have internet access to sites that don’t even exist yet, I have a built in cell phone, the latest massaging techniques, and-

JARO: That’s awesome, but can you check email?

LAPPIT: Yes! What’s your email address? Wait! Don’t tell me. I’ll use my tracking systems to find it!

CHORCH: That’s creepy, but you’re a computer so it’s okay!

LAPPIT: Done! Your address is Jaro_email.exe. Opening random email.

subject: girlfriend

JARO!!
Do you have a girlfriend?
If so, tell us all about her
and what you like about her,
all while she's standing in front of you.
If negative, say goodbye! (evil girly laugh)
Can't wait,
Mercurie Foltusm-Snatcher

{Jaro screams JARO!!, and says “What?”. He reads (evil girly laugh) as stupid, and reads the name as “long name.}

JARO: Oh I have a girlfriend alright. I mean, why wouldn’t I? The ladies can’t stay away from this hunk…of metal.

CHORCH: You’ve never had a girlfriend. You’ve only dated once with-

JARO: SHHH! She might be watching.

CHORCH: No one watches.

JARO: Really? Crap. Well, okay. To you at home, I have only dated once. This may be a surprise to you, seeing how handsome I am, but it’s true. It all started when I was in Minion School…

{Everything gets all wigley. Cut to a school reading “Minion School. Where you learn to be worthless”. Every 5 seconds, another scene flashes, from Terrels getting swirlys by Stobats, to a Browntant doing pushups.}

JARO: {voiceover} Minion School, like human Middle School, was the worst year of my life. The second year out of the three years I’ve been activted. Well, anyways, it started on track day.

{Fade to a field the size of 20 football fields. The camera pans down to Saargtsson talking to some minions. He is wearing a blue cap, and has a whistle and a clipboard.}

SAARGTSSON: Okay you worthlessss bagssss of monkey crap, it’s the lasssst day of gym before you sssswitch to computer classsss.

MINIONS: YAAAAYY!!

SAARGTSSON: Quiet you bugssss! You little boggerssss think you can jusssst get out of my gym classss that easssssy. WRONG! To complete this sssssemesssster, you musssst run all the way around the field. The only perssssson who will probably win is Grundy!

{Pan over to see a young Grundy. He is jogging in place.}

SAARGTSSON: Grundy here is the ssssschool track sssstar. The ressssst of you are huge lumpsssss of crap!

JARO: {voiceover} See, Saargtsson was our gym coach. As you can plainly see, he is very tough.

{Cut to a dark room with a bed of hot coals. A Stobat and Saargtsson are there.}

SAARGTSSON: Come on you sssssissssy.

{Cut back to the field.}

SAARGTSSON: When I sssssay “Go”, you ssssstart running. Ready…sssset…toe!

{A single Greggo runs out on the field, but Saargtsson trips him.}

SAARGTSSON: I ssssaid “Go” not “toe”. You get an F-. GO!

{Everyone races offscreen. Jaro is running next to Chorch, who has braces.}

JARO: How does he run so fast?

CHORCH: I don’t know. We gotta hurry! We only have five minutes to go around!

JARO: Well, you can float. This shouldn’t be much of a problem.

CHORCH: You’re right. {speeds up leaving Jaro by himself.}

JARO: Thanks Chorch. You always help. Ugg.

JARO: {voiceover} At the time, I was feeling very jholed, which I admit is just a word I made up. But it still applies. Anyway, that’s when I saw her.

{Jaro trips.}

JARO: Oof!

JARO: {voiceover} Oh wait, I saw her AFTER that.

{Jaro looks up. He sees a female Jaro, which looks like him, only with two blond pony-tails, and a pink skirt on her middle section. She is looking at Jaro.}

FEMALE JARO: Are you okay?

JARO: Hu-hfbasddsa..

FEMALE JARO: What?

JARO: Who are you?

FEMALE JARO: I’m Stacy. Come one! We’ve only got three minutes left! {bounces off.}

JARO: Goodbye…

{Cut to the end of the field, where Jaro appears.}

SAARGTSSON: 8 hourssss and 46 minutessss. Our lowest time yet. You fail gym.

JARO: That’s okay. I’ve met my true love..

SAARGTSSON: No one caresssss.

{Cut to a math class. Stlunko is at the front, with a polka-dotted tie taped to his antenna.}

STLUNKO: That is how to get the perimeter of a circle. Any questions?

{A Poorbt raises his hand.}

STLUNKO: Yes?

POORBT: Why are you so dumb?

{The class laughs.}

STLUNKO: I do not understand how you think I am stupid. You are disrupting class. You get an F.

{Cut to Jaro in the back of the class. He has doodled “Stacy” about a million times on a notebook on his desk.}

JARO: Oh Stacy. {yelling} I LOVE YOU!!!!!

{Pan out to see the entire class looking at him. Everyone laughs.}

STLUNKO: I am deeply disturbed by your emotions. Please do not express them again.

{Cut to Stacy’s locker. She closes the door to reveal Jaro.}

STACY: Ahh! You scared me! You’re not some creepy stalker are you?

JARO: That’s Greggo. Anyway, I was wondering…would you like to go to the Oil Garden?

STACY: Oh. This is nice but-

JARO: Aw, come on! You’ll love it!

STACY: Well… I guess one dinner wouldn’t hurt.

JARO: YIIPPIIEE!!!

{Cut to Oil Garden. It is a fancy restaurant with huge oil tank on the side of the building. Fade to the inside. Jaro is in a suit and Stacy is wearing a purple dress.}

WAITER: {Italian accent} what can I get for you to drink?

JARO: Two glasses of oil please.

WAITER: Excellent choice.

{The waiter buzzes off. Fade to later in the night. Two half-full cups of oil sit on the table.}

STACY: Jaro, this is so nice, but, I gotta tell you something.

JARO: Wait ‘till the food arrives.

{Another waiter comes up with two plates of nuts and bolts.}

WAITER: Enjoy. {floats off}

{Stacy grabs her plate. She opens up the top of her head, pours the nuts and bolts in, and closes it.}

JARO: Anyway, what did you want to tell me?

STACY: Well, I don’t know how to say this, but…I already have a boyfriend.

{Close up on Stacy.}

STACY: {deep, slow-motion voice} Boooyyyyfffrrriieeenddd…

{Cut back to the trio. Grundy is at the Lappit.}

JARO: Stop using the special-effects button!

GRUNDY: Sorry.

{Cut back to Jaro and Stacy.}

JARO: Boyfriend? B-But why didn’t you tell me?

STACY: I didn’t want to make you sad. I’m real sorry.

JARO: Who’s your boyfriend?

STACY: Kevin.

JARO: Kevin?

{Fade to Jaro being stuffed into a toilet by a bigger Jaro.}

JARO: Stop Kevin! I’m not flushable!

KEVIN: Ha ha ha!

{Cut back to Jaro and Stacy.}

STACY: I gotta go. I-

{Before she can talk, Kevin walks up.}

KEVIN: I thought you said we were going to the movies at eight, and when you weren’t there I came to- {notices Jaro} HEY! What’s this WORM doing here?

STACY: He took me to dinner.

KEVIN: {examines Jaro} Why would you want to date this weakling?

JARO: Hey, I’m not a weakling!

KEVIN: Oh yeah? Meet me after school tomorrow! We’ll see how tough you are! {bounces off.}

STACY: Jaro, what’ve you done?

JARO: I need a paper and a pen.

STACY: Why?

JARO: I need to write my will.

{Cut to the outside of Jaro’s school. Minions are crowed around him. Chorch is talking to Grundy.}

CHORCH: Who is Kevin fighting?

GRUNDY: Some weakling. I think his name is John or something.

CHORCH: Never heard of him.

{Cut back to the center of the crowd. Kevin emerges, knocking robots out of the way.}

KEVIN: Any last words?

JARO: Yes. Jlammy.

KEVIN: That’s stupid. DIIIIEEEE!!!

{Kevin lunges at Jaro, who quickly dodges. Kevin slams into a wall. He turns around to show his visor has been cracked.}

KEVIN: No one cracks my visor and gets away with it!

JARO: I just did.

KEVIN: Not for long!

{Kevin bounces towards Jaro. He does a super jump and lands right on top of Jaro. They both compress, and their stored energy shoots Kevin into space.}

MINIONS: Woooaaahh…

{Jaro bounces off to Stacy, who has a shocked expression.}

JARO: Pretty impressive, huh? I defeated him single…no handedly.

STACY: You jerk! You shot my boyfriend into space! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!!!

{She bounces off and boards a plane the is parked there for some reason.}

JARO: Come back!!!

{Cut back to the trio.}

JARO: And I never saw her again.

{Pan over to see The Poopsmith, with watery eyes.}

POOPSMITH: That was the saddest story ever.


JARO: Yeah. Well, longname, I hope you’re happy! You’ve made me all depressed! You know what, I’m gonna go to Mt. Kilimanjaro {pronounces it, Kill a man Jaro} That place sounds pretty cool. {The trio leaves. The following words appear.}

Click here to email Jaro.

Easter Eggs

  • Click on Jaro to see a bonus clip.

{Cut to Jaro watching some Soap Opera.}

MAN: {on tv} No Trisha! Don't leave me! NOO!

JARO: I feel your pain...

Fun Facts

  • Blargle.


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