Fake Character Email Ductape Blader/Sattelites
From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki
Ductape E-mail #6: Satellite
Summary: After lying around in blazing heat, Ductape wonders is sattelites are spying on us.
Cast (in order of appearance): Ductape, Borismichalovitch, Homeschool Winner, Stan Banana, Strong Bad.
Places: The playground, A pipe, Stan's farm, A backyard shrub, Singapore, Germany, Newark International Airport, Homeschool's house.
Date: June 10, 2006
Length: No idea.
Transcript
{We are at a playground, with slides, swings, monkey bars, ladders, steps, merry-go-rounds, chain nets, and jungle gyms, all colored red and/orblue, with several surfaces black. It is blazing in complete sunlight. Pan over to the swing set, where Ductape is swinging back and forth quite high. After a few ocsillations, he jumps off, fliews through the air, and lands on the woodchips with a THuD!}
DUCTAPE: {sighs, as a bead of sweat rolls down his face.} It's soooo holy-roman hot out here. I don't feel like walking anymore. Now, I feel as if these clothes are melting into my skin. Come on, Borismichalovitch, let's find some shade.
{Ductape and his small goat, Borismichalovitch, walk over to a large, concrete pipe, painted red. Some black spraypaint has been written on it. After Ductape and Boris are inside, Homeschool winner greets them.}
HOMESCHOOL: Ductape, you're here too? It's burning out here.
DUCTAPE: I'm just on a walk, with Boris here. How about you?
HOMESCHOOL: I'm here for the wireless Internet. We are next to the public library, with a wireless Internet pole in the back of the parking lot.
DUCTAPE: Say, can I check my e-mail? Just for the heck of it?
HOMESCHOOL: Yeah, your flying webcam is on. I was wondering if you were answering an e-mail.
DUCTAPE: Can I borrow your-
HOMESCHOOL: My computer? Well, it's a beta test version for a rollable screen laptop, but sure, you can use it.
DUCTAPE: You have one of those? I thought those wouldn't be out until 2009.
{Homeschool hands Ductape the laptop. Ductape opens up an e-mail}
Dear Ductape BbBlader, Since you know so much about duct tape, can you tell us about the effects of satelite dishes? I've heard that some people put on tin foil hats and cover themselves in aluminum and duct tape when they think that satelites are spying on them. Does this wrok? Turn on the lights, Mr. Coloured Armour (Meutric Suysteum Consoultant)
DUCTAPE: With those typos, you should consider repeating the 3rd grade. You call yourself a consultant? Still, on more pressing matters, I'm not sure if sattelites are spying on you or not. How much time does the government really have on it's hands? I once read somewhere that russians were going to launch a mirror into space so sunlight would be reflected on the dark side of the planet, for longer daylight hours.
HOMESCHOOL: You read that in your 3rd grade spelling book!
DUCTAPE: Quiet, Homeschool. That could help the crops, but it could cause more all-day heat. I wonder how Stan would react to that...
{Screen wipes to Stan in his banana ranch, surrounded by a puffy cloud border. Stan Banana is in a montage of caring for his bananas. First we see him planting, then it skips to watering, then fertilizing, then placing sticks up, then shooing birds, then harvesting. Strong Bad comes in from the left}
STRONG BAD: Er, Stan? Your mom told me to tell you that you haven't slept, ate, or went to school for the past week.
STAN BANANA: No... you want a banana?
STRONG BAD: Sure, yeah.
{Stan hands Strong Bad a banana. Back to Ductape}
DUCTAPE: Let's hope that never happens. Stan probably wouldn't go crazy-go-nuts as such. Still, I've noticed, that in all those documentaries and live news feeds, how did people get that kind of footage? They didn't know it was going to happen, so, how do they shoot the footage? Maybe sattelites are spying on us.
HOMESCHOOL: I never considered that.
DUCTAPE: And what about sattelite dishes? I don't own one, but I have heard stories of when it blanks out in a storm, and you can't watch television. Maybe when you call tech support, they record your address so terrorist spies can utilize them. I think that's the cause of 9/11.
{Cut to a shrub in someone's backyard. There is a sattelite dish in front. A terrorist in in the bush, talking indistinclty on a walkie talkie.}
DUCTAPE: Some terrorist contacted some other colleages...
{The trail of sound leads to a sattelite in space, and falls into a location, near Singapore.}
DUCTAPE: In Singapore...
{The same event happens again, but now it goes to Germany.}
DUCTAPE: To Germany...
{Now, after a third time, it lands in New Jersey.}
DUCTAPE: So they could have free contact while the authorities have trouble tracing them. But how they managed to get past security in Newark, I'll never know. And maybe as an efficient marketing research project, sattelites observe you so companies can get you to buy their merchandise. The Simpsons did that.
HOMESCHOOL: Okay... now you're scaring me. AAAH! Sattelites are spying on us!
{Homeschool leaves the pipe and runs away screaming. Back in the pipe}
DUCTAPE: Uh oh... I guess Homeschool took my jokes seriously. Come on, Boris. We have to talk some sense into him. And give back his computer.
BORISMICHALOVITCH: Baah! Leeeeht'sss goooo!
{Ductape and Boris exit the pipe. Boris runs over to the sidewalk, and Ductape grasps the leash. Boris is running so fast that Ductape's wheels are needed to keep up.}
DUCTAPE: Whee!
{Ductape and Borismichalovitch finally blade past Homeschool's house}
DUCTAPE: Slow down, Boris. We're here.
{Boris skids to a stop. Ductape knock on the door.}
DUCTAPE: Hello? Homeschool Winner, you in there?
HOMESCHOOL: {panicked and muffled behind door.} Who is it? Why are you here? Go away!
DUCTAPE: It's Duncan Blader. You know, your friend. I'm here to give back your rollable screen laptop.
HOMESCHOOL: Drop the item on the stoop and exit the doorway.
DUCTAPE: Why? You're acting ridiculous. It was just a joke!
HOMESCHOOL: You can't be too careful.
DUCTAPE: You know, if I leave this here, spies from competing companies will take this product that won't be released for 5 years or so and copy the technology. You don't want that, do you?
HOMESCHOOL: Okay, you've convinced me. But, can you prove that it's really you, Ductape?
DUCTAPE: Hmm... I've got it.
{Ductape takes out a pen and a piece of paper from his pocket. He writes on the door, mumbling indistinctly under his breath. Then, he slips it under the door crack.}
{Homeschool picks up the paper from the other side of the door, but he is wearing duct tape clothes with a tin foil hat on. He reads the writing while mumbling indistinctly.}
HOMESCHOOL: Ductape! Come on in.
{Homeschool opens the door. Ductape walks inside.}
DUCTAPE: Here's your laptop back. Why are you wearing those?
HOMESCHOOL: You're wearing the same.
DUCTAPE: But I've worn these clothes for about 3 years. Are you hiding from sattelites?
HOMESCHOOL: They are spying on us. We have to hide.
DUCTAPE: I don't know how wearing that would help. You are probably drawing more attention to yourself. Take those off.
HOMESCHOOL: No!
DUCTAPE: I was just a joke! Sattelites aren't really spying!
HOMESCHOOL: How can you be so sure?
{Ductape sighs and runs into the kitchen, where he places the laptop on the table.}
DUCTAPE: Well Mr. Colored Armor, I guess it's all your fault that Homeschool went mad. I guess you were right about the insanity, but I'm skeptical about it really working. Until then, I'm off back to the playground in this blazing sun.
{Ductape leaves the house, but the laptop is still on the table. The computer shows a window saying: Click here to e-mail Ductape Blader.}
Easter Eggs
- Click on "mad" to see what happened to Homeschool.
{Homeschool is still wearing duct tape and aluminum foil. He is fidgeting like crazy.}
HOMESCHOOL: They all think I'm crazy... They're spying on me... Have to keep my projects a secret... Before the spies find out and steal them...
Fun Facts
- Rollable screen laptops are laptops that can extend and contract their screens for easy storage. They aren't expected for release until around 2009.
- The mention of the sunlight reflection mirror involves me actually reading about it in a spelling book, but I don't remember if it was 3rd or 4th grade.
- The marketing survey has to do with insane commercials displaying sattelite dish owners calling tech support when it conks out.
- The 9/11 attacks were caused by terrorists, but it's not confirmed by me if they used sattelites as such.
- The Simpsons episode mentioned was the one when Bart took focusing drugs, which caused him to shoot down the Major League Baseball sattelite, which was spying on him.
- Ductape says he's worn Ductape for three years. This is a reference to a non-canon story I wrote for school where he gets rained on while riding home because his mom never picked him up, so
he needed a water-proof material for his soaked clothes.
