Other Character Email Gunhaver/Cult
From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki
Contents |
Summary
Imagine a world where everybody didn't die from Operation Ragnarok.
Gunhaver remembers when he's forced to visit a Blue Laser cult meeting to do some fetching.
Cast (in order of appearance: Robots, Gunhaver, Black Laser, Oliver Smidgen, Reinforcements, Silent Rip, Fightgar, Green Helmets, Reynold, Proto-Alpha Stan, Blue Laser, Ripberger, Crackotage, Firebert, Audience Members, Blue Laser Minions
Page Title: One For a Punch
Lines: 214
Trancript
Act I: Recover, Rebuild, Reduce, Reuse, Recycle
{Ethereal music plays. Cut to a smoking, barren wasteland full of bones and decaying bodies. The sky is black from the smoke. Large aircrafts fly over the wasteland as robots walk onscreen. The robots stand over the bones and decaying bodies and shoot beams at them, vaporizing them to infinitestimal particles. The scene freezes as words appear.}
This is the real world. Destroyed. All good is lost. Everything is lost.
{Fade to black. Words appear.}
What if the dial wasn't touch-sensitive?
{Cut to a greyscale version of the giant laser guns around the Earth shooting laser beams at the planet. The scene is rewound to this scene: Gunhaver is floating by a keyboard, facing Black Laser, who is wearing a metallic vest. The following words appear.}
If timelines can branch, here it is. Enjoy the new world.
{The scene is no longer frozen as color comes back. Gunhaver turns the black dial controlling gravity in the room counter-clockwise.}
GUNHAVER: That vest looks heavy! Get ready to be crushed!
{There's no effect.}
BLACK LASER: Fool. That's touch sensitive! And now...
{Suddenly, a crunching noise is heard. Black Laser nervously looks around until he sees a metallic pillar starting to be crumpled. Then he looks down at his vest, which is also starting to crumple and let off electricity.}
BLACK LASER: No... no... NAGSI can't do this to me... they can't... {shrieking} THEY CAN'T!!!!!!
GUNHAVER: It just goes to show you. You can't trust anyone, especially nerds. {looks down} Either that, or it's that what comes around thing. Whatever. Nerds are evil!
BLACK LASER: I can always turn the...
{Suddenly, a cracking noise is heard as Black Laser's eyes bulge.}
BLACK LASER: No! My ribs!
{Suddenly, the vest completely crumples and more of Black Laser's bones are heard cracking.}
BLACK LASER: {out of breath} No... this can't happen to me! It can't!
MECHANIZED VOICE: {from keyboard} All space system's...
BLACK LASER: {out of breath} At least the lasers will still be fired, and...
{Just then, an explosion is heard as the crumpling keyboard explodes, letting off sparks all over the room. Gunhaver is seen running away from the room.}
MECHANIZED VOICE: {from the remains of the keyboard} Damage present in the main control room. Lasers aborted.
{Cut to a close-up on Black Laser's bulging eye.}
MECHANIZED VOICE: {from the remains of the keyboard} Lasers aborted.
{Cut to an exterior view of Black Laser's space station. Gunhaver's yellow and black ship is seen flying away from the space station.}
BLACK LASER: {from space station} NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
{Then the scene freezes and goes into greyscale.}
NARRATOR: And with that, Black Laser's Operation Ragnarok had ultimately failed.
{Cut to a very fortified prison.}
NARRATOR: Jewel was sent to prison for federal crimes, and all. Max and Black Laser were never found, not even in space, although explosions were reported in space.
{Cut to Blue Laser and his minions in the Blue Laser HQ.}
NARRATOR: As for Blue Laser and his minions, they were clear of all charges. They claimed that they were brainwashed, and Black Laser's attack on Blue Laser seemed to support the case. That, and the Cheat Commandos fought to have Blue Laser be cleared of all charges so they can harass Blue Laser themselves.
{Cut to a view of Cheat City. A few buildings are standing (many others are being built). Oliver Smidgen can be seen walking around, looking into trash cans.}
NARRATOR: And so, society (with the help of efficient insurance companies) mended itself from the excessive damages created by the war against the Legion of Bane. The Cheat Commandos were heroes again, as the Legion was Bane was actually evil. Relations between the Cheat Commandos were amended, and the elite group was no longer filled with mutinous commandos, although Reinforcements was demoted to back-up camera man for his actions.
{Cut to Reinforcements standing behind a video camera with a word balloon that says, "Hey guys." Cut to an exterior view of the Cheat Commandos HQ.}
NARRATOR: Not to mention Gunhaver's and Foxface's romantic relationship's now a little strained temporarily. Also, a great portion of the Cheat Commandos (the Cheat Rangers and Arrowhaver) have given up working for the Cheat Commandos and gone to search for greater achievements. To counter this decrease in numbers, the Cheat Commandos hired the Green Helmets, cannon fodder.
{The word "2007" appears on the screen.}
NARRATOR: And so, in this timeline, the world was allowed to move on to the year 2007, when the Microsoft Vista, Wii, PlayStation 3, and Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess are finally released and no longer my...
{Suddenly, a slap is heard.}
VOICE: You call this impartial narration?!?
{Cut to Gunhaver working down a hallway. He walks by and waves to Silent Rip and Fightgar. When he walks by a group of Green Helmets, he ignores them as they talk to him about their needs. He walks by Reynold.}
REYNOLD: Hey Gunhaver, can I have a...
GUNHAVER: No!
REYNOLD: Oh, come on! My brother's coming, and he's definitely going to steal from my walllet!
GUNHAVER: So be it! That's good exercise for a brother!
{Gunhaver walks to the door to the basement. He opens it and walks down the stairs. Quiet guitar music plays as Gunhaver walks to a corner with junk and the forgotten Orange 02, surprisingly still turned on with the virus message.}
GUNHAVER: {sighs} It's been months since I last checked my email. My inbox must be bursting. But I can't bear to do it without Alpha Stan. {sighs} Well, I guess I should just deal with this unfininished business.
{Gunhaver goes to the keyboard and hovers his hand over the "1" key. Cut to the Orange 02 screen.}
Do you wish for The Virus(es) Reloaded to destroy your computer? No = Destruction of the universe
1. Yes
2. No
{Gunhaver hesitantly presses the "1" key. The Orange 02's screen fades.}
GUNHAVER: Well, that's that. I'm going to see if I can hack into The Scree...
{Suddenly, a beep is emitted from the Orange as the following message appears on the computer screen.}
Congratulations! You weren't fooled like an idiot!
You have just deceived the Trickster Destruction Virus and are the 957th winner! You win the Ympoc's new Alpha Orange Program v2.9!
Click here to download!
GUNHAVER: Whoa. You mean... all I had to do was... press 1 and... I feel like attacking the computer right now... but this is too unresistable! "Ympoc" and "Alpha" sound friendly!
{Gunhaver types in "Click link.exe" and presses enter. Then an orange face made of plus signs appears on the screen.}
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Hello new user. I am Proto-Alpha Stan.
{Gunhaver lets out a squeal of delight and hugs the Orange 02 monitor.}
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BACK OFF BA... DUDE
{Gunhaver steps away from the monitor.}
GUNHAVER: Sheesh! Fine! No need to be touchy! Do you want to know what I did to Alpha Stan?
{Fade to black.}
Act II: The Actual Email
{Cut to Gunhaver in front of the Orange 02, which is on his dusty computer desk in his computer room. Remains of the Alpha 1260 are seen behind the Orange 02. Proto-Alpha Stan is seen on the screen.}
GUNHAVER: Life is like an inbox of email. You never know when you're going to laugh and think the email sender's a compete moron.
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You have 18 emails.
GUNHAVER: What?!? What happened to the "Hello Gunhaver"? Aren't you supposed to be smart? And what's with the "18" emails when I haven't checked my inbox for months? It should be bursting! BURSTING!!!
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Shut up and answer an email!
GUNHAVER: Of course. All of you Alpha Stans have sass.
{Gunhaver presses a button to make the following email appear on the screen.}
Subject: blue laser
hey there you know who
whats so bad about blue laser. i tghink its about time that theyg ot some respect, mr. i smell bad.
from um... not sam
GUNHAVER: {reading} Hey there you know who? {talking} You know who? I'm tempted to make a bathroom joke! Anyway, the name's Gunhaver, in case you've forgotten, you with the short-term memory loss. {reading in monotone voice} Plural what so bad about uncapitalized proper noun. I tuh-hink its time... about time they-guh oat some respect, Mr. Smarter Than Me. From um... IQ level = -9999999.
GUNHAVER: {typing} Okay. Now, since it's been months, you might have been free longer than you should've. Don't worry. I'll call the cops to arrest you and take you to the cliff with the spiky rocks at the bottom. I assume you're talking about us, as in the Cheat Commandos, giving Blue Laser some respect. Well, since you're not going to remember this when the cops get you, why won't I tell you a story?
{Gunhaver clears the screen.}
GUNHAVER: A few weeks ago, Blue Laser suddenly got popular, for some reason. All of the sudden, he started appearing in commercials...
{Cut to Blue Laser holding a box of Bread & Sugar.}
BLUE LASER: Eat Bread & Sugar! It's the breadiest and sugariest of them all! They're deli-freakin-tast-cious!
{Cut back to Gunhaver.}
GUNHAVER: {typing} ...TV shows, dinner parties, conventions, and at people's birthday parties. It was scary, right? Well, what was scarier was that the other Cheat Commandos were actually giving into this curse, or something, that made them respect Blue Laser!!!
{Cut to Ripberger, Crackotage, Firebert, and Fightgar eating ice cream with Blue Laser.}
FIGHTGAR: {to Blue Laser} Man, you know some really good ice cream parlors. This is the best freakin' ice cream I've ever had!
BLUE LASER: Well, it was special service!
RIPBERGER: Don't be so modest. We know that you're a genius.
FIREBERT: {Cheat noises of approval}
{Cut back to Gunhaver.}
GUNHAVER: {typing} It got worse when everybody deserted me to go to Blue Laser's cult meeting, since it was his very first and they wanted to give him their fullest support, my butt. I knew this was an emergency!
{Cut to Gunhaver watching, on The Screen, Silent Rip, Fightgar, Ripberger, Reinforcements, Firebert, and Crackotage sitting with the audience in an auditorium. Blue Laser is seen behind a podium, wearing bracelets with beads. Blue Laser is talking, but the volume is down.}
GUNHAVER: Ugh! This is just madness! Ruling out mutiny, Blue Laser must be brainwashing them with those weirdly-colored beads! If he's successful, he might use a brainwashed army to take over the world! I must strike back!
{Gunhaver faces to the right.}
GUNHAVER: Get me the Green Helmets!
{Suddenly, The Screen shows the Green Helmets on a war-torn landscape. Lasers and explosions are everywhere. Planes and tanks can be seen.}
GREEN HELMET #1: Sir! We seriously need assistance! The enemy has cornered our infantries in...
GUNHAVER: So this means you won't be able to fight Blue Laser with me to free the brainwashed?
GREEN HELMET #1: I'm not so sure about that, but...
GUNHAVER: I'm very disappointed in you! I'm cutting all of your wages!
GREEN HELMET #1: But wait!
{Gunhaver turns off the monitor.}
GUNHAVER: It looks like I have to do this alone. Well, then let's ROCK, {zoom in on Gunhaver} ROCK {zoom in on Gunhaver} ON!
{Cut to the auditorium where Blue Laser's cult meeting is taking place.}
BLUE LASER: Hcum os uoy etah tsuj I!
AUDIENCE: Hcum os uoy etah tsuj I!
BLUE LASER: Citsat-gnikaerf-naf!
AUDIENCE: Citsat-gnikaerf-naf!
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} Stop right there, Blue Terrorist!
{Gunhaver runs onscreen with a pack. He points at Gunhaver.}
GUNHAVER: It's time to end this brainwashing monstrosity once and for all!
BLUE LASER: Ah, Gunhaver! I'm so glad you came! Why don't you sit down with the audience so you can join us in this...
GUNHAVER: I'm not falling for your tricks! I've come prepared!
{Gunhaver gets out a machine gun from his pack.}
SILENT RIP: Gunhaver! You've got the wrong idea! We...
GUNHAVER: No, my friend! You don't know what you're talking about! Now, FREEDOM!!!
{Gunhaver shoots tranquilizing darts at all of the audience members, including the Cheat Commandos, out of his machine guns, screaming like a maniac.}
BLUE LASER: {scared} No! Wait! Don't do this! You can't do this! GUARDS! GUARDS!!!
{Two Blue Laser Minions run onscreen.}
BLUE LASER MINION #1: You called, sir?
GUNHAVER: {manic} A-HA! You've sent these goons at me to attack me and probably lock me in a dungeon! I DON'T THINK SO!!!
{Gunhaver shoots at the Blue Laser minions with tranquilizing darts, laughing shrilly and manically. People who are still awake are heard screaming as they're running away. Blue Laser is seen about to run to the exit. Gunhaver faces Blue Laser.}
GUNHAVER: {manic} Think you're going to escape on me?!? Taste THIS!
{Gunhaver gets a grenade out of his pack and throws it at the exit, causing an explosion. Blue Laser and Gunhaver are sent flying from the explosion. Cut to Gunhaver in front of the Orange 02.}
GUNHAVER: {typing} And so, after some bribing, {talking} I mean, {deletes "bribing"} putting in common sense into people, the newspapers said that Blue Laser did intend to brainwash the people at the meeting, and he did, and went crazy when I came and saved the day. Hooray for me! And that, my dear maniac, is why I will not show respect to Blue Laser. Respect = Brainwashing, which equals... uh... bad. {talking} Anyway, {facing camera} since you know the answer, {gets out a dart gun} it's time to eat tranquilizing gun, you maniac!
{Gunhaver shoots a tranquilizing dart with his gun. A grunt and a thud are heard.}
GUNHAVER: Reinforcements? Is that you? You do know that more work doesn't equal higher wages.
{Proto-Alpha Stan appears on the screen.}
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Click here to email user
{Gunhaver faces the monitor.}
GUNHAVER: What?!? "User"?!? Where's the "Email Gunhaver" custom? What kind of Alpha Stan are you?!?
Easter Eggs
- Click on The Screen when Gunhaver is viewing the cult meeting to be able to hear what Blue Laser and the audience are saying:
BLUE LASER: Kcus seidal dlo!
AUDIENCE: Kcus seidal dlo!
BLUE LASER: Tsal ta gcnegnev!
AUDIENCE: Tsal ta gcnegnev!
- Click on "newspapers" or "maniac" to see this newspaper headline:
MANIAC BRAINWASHES - WENT NUTS!
Fun Facts
- This is not part of the real OCE Gunhaver canon.
- This is currently the last Gunhaver email made by Shim-Sham-Sam.
Act I Fun Facts
- The name of the first act is a reference to Strong Bad's line at the end of unnatural.
- The beginning references and continues from Ragnarok.
- The Alpha 1260 was destroyed in Ragnarok.
- Black Laser attacked Blue Laser in Deterioration.
- Oliver Smidgen, the Green Helmets, and Reynold's brother are from HRWiki:Let Us Give TANKS!
- Reinforcements was behind a camera in this toon.
- Read Seasons 7 and 8 to read more about the Legion of Bane and Reinforcement's actions.
- The last part of the narration references the Microsoft Vista, Wii, Playstation 3, and The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess.
- The Orange 02 and the virus are references to Virus Remake (the original version is retconned).
- Proto-Alpha Stan is an ASCII art.
- Proto-Alpha Stan was originally planned for seasons 9 and 10.
- "BACK OFF BA... DUDE" is a reference to Vector Strong Bad's line in video games and StrongBadZone.
Act II Fun Facts
- Gunhaver's email intro is a reference to Forrest Gump.
- Nobody has sent an email to Gunhaver between August 2006 and February 2007.
- Blue Laser references Bread & Sugar.
- What's said at Blue Laser's cult meeting are reverses of Blue Laser's lines (in order, with the lines in the Easter Egg after the ones in the transcript) in Cheat Commandos Commercial, Cheat Commandos...O's, Shopping for Danger, and Blue Laserdisc Challenge.
