Other Character Email Gunhaver/Killing
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Summary
Gunhaver and 1-Up go train in the mountains for some plot reason. Then he has to kill 1-Up.
Cast (in order of appearance): Gunhaver, 1-Up, Homestar Runner, Marzipan, Alpha Stan, Tomahaver, Psychic Cheat, Firebert, Fightgar, Silent Rip, Police Cheat, Contestro, Blue Laser, Lenny and Carl, Not Josh (Easter Egg)
Lines: 166
Transcript
{Cut to Gunhaver watching 1-Up's mission on the Alpha 1260 screen.}
1-UP: Okay. Homestar and Marzipan, I must warn you that in the future, you will be destroyed by-
HOMESTAR RUNNER: Uh, It's getting late. I better go home. Goodbye, Marzipan.
MARZIPAN: Bye, Homestar Runner.
{Homestar Runner and Marzipan walk off}
1-UP: Well, That was pointless.
{Gunhaver pauses the toon.}
GUNHAVER: Man, that was a useless attempt. I wonder if 1-Up wants to save his parents anyway. I mean, kids hate parents. It's a basis of life, right, Alpha Stan?
ALPHA STAN:He did not punch a cow.
GUNHAVER: Okay, quit it with the cows, Stan. Just hit me with an email!
ALPHA STAN:Hello Gunhaver. You have seven unread emails.
{Gunhaver presses enter to make the following email appear and reads it.}
Subject: 1-UpKill 1-Up. Right now. In his sleep.
Well, you don't have to, but if you
don't, you'll be the one killed. By me.
So basically, it's his life or yours.
I think you'll choose wisely.
-Your Greatest Enemy,
Definitely Not Josh
GUNHAVER: {typing} Well "Weirdo Who is Not Josh", why would I want to kill 1-Up? Sure, he's annoying, he eats pudding, he's useless, and he humiliatingly failed his first mission... but, how are you going to kill me anyway?
{Just then, a tomahawk flies past where Gunhaver's head was before he ducked.}
GUNHAVER: WHAT THE FREAK???
{Cut to where the tomahawk struck the wall. Gunhaver walks to it, takes it out, and examines it.}
GUNHAVER: Hmm... this may belong to Tomahaver, a new Cheat Commando.
{Tomahaver walks onscreen.}
TOMAHAVER: Hey, how do you know about that? I just joined one minute ago.
GUNHAVER: Well...
TOMAHAVER: This loser named Reynold tells me that you seem to have weird problems where you seem to know things that will happen. Like you're psychic.
GUNHAVER: What's wrong with being psychic?
{Cut to outside the ruins of a blown-up mansion with Gunhaver, Firebert, Fightgar, Silent Rip, Crackotage and Psychic Cheat standing besides the ruins.}
PSYCHIC CHEAT: {muttering} Redrum, redrum, redrum, redrum, redrum...
{Cut back to Gunhaver and Tomahaver in the present.}
GUNHAVER: Oh, yeah, that weirdo from that event months ago. Anyway, do you know whose tomahawk this is?
TOMAHAVER: It's definitely not mine. {takes tomahawk and examines it} Well, I can say that it does not belong to Josh.
GUNHAVER: {sarcastic} Yeah, thanks.
{1-Up walks onscreen.}
1-UP: Hey guys! I just came back from an unsuccessful mission! What are we going to do now?
{Cut to a close-up of Gunhaver (who is holding the tomahawk), glaring at 1-Up. Ominous music plays as the background changes into a red radiance.}
GUNHAVER: {thinking} This is my chance! I have to kill him with this tomahawk, and if not, Not Josh will kill me! {talking} SAY HELLO TO DE...
{Cut to the previous view, where there's now a Police Cheat.}
1-UP: And I've brought along this police cheat!
POLICE CHEAT: I'm here because I've received some tip-off that there's going to be a murder here. What were you about to say, Gunhaver?
GUNHAVER: Er... I was saying to 1-Up, "Say hello to Tomahaver, the new Cheat Commando."
POLICE CHEAT: Oh, okay.
1-UP: Hello Tomahaver! Anyway, I'm going to go out and do stupid stuff. Bye!
{1-Up leaves.}
GUNHAVER: Aw, you made me miss my chance to kill...
POLICE CHEAT: What?
GUNHAVER: Er... kill time by hanging out with 1-Up in the headquarters. I'll follow him while I have a tomahawk and gun. Okay?
POLICE CHEAT: Okay.
{Gunhaver leaves.}
POLICE CHEAT: Such a nice boy.
TOMAHAVER: Er... what?
{Cut to 1-Up walking down a sidewalk.}
1-UP: {sighs} How am I going to save my parents? Should I consider them 110% dead, or is that 4-Up right? Nah, my parents are dead.
{Just then, we hear a gunshot as a bullet flies by 1-Up's head. He doesn't seem to notice. Then a tomahawk is thrown to where 1-Up was a second ago. Then a Heavy Lourde is dropped in front of 1-Up. He walks around it, unnoticing. Then Gunhaver runs up to 1-Up.}
GUNHAVER: Hey 1-Up, weird weather, right?
1-UP: Were you trying to kill me?
GUNHAVER: No, that was... Contestro.
{Cut to Contestro in the fields, apparently on the run.}
CONTESTRO: Hey! Stop putting the blame on me!
{Cut back to Gunhaver and 1-Up.}
GUNHAVER: So, where're you going?
1-UP: To the Pudding Shop.
GUNHAVER: There's no such... Wait, I think I know where the Pudding Shop is. Follow me.
{Cut to a VERY tall building. Gunhaver and 1-Up are on the rooftop. 1-Up is standing on the edge of the building, facing away from Gunhaver, who is not standing on the edge of the building.}
1-UP: Are you sure that if I walk off the building edge, I'll find the pudding shop? I mean, this drop looks dangerous.
GUNHAVER: Well, you're wrong if you doubt me. Just walk off the edge of the building and you'll be at the pudding shop, {quietly} in the sky.
1-UP: Well, if you say so, then I'm not going. I don't seem to trust you on this.
GUNHAVER: WHAT??? Oh, come on! Walk off!
1-UP: No!
GUNHAVER: Come on. I'll help you walk off the building.
{Then Gunhaver is about to push 1-Up off the building when helicopter sounds are heard, as well as a crash. Cut to the ruins of the helicopter, where Blue Laser and Lenny crawl out.}
BLUE LASER: {to Lenny} YOU DOLT! HOW DARE YOU CRASH THE HELICOPTER ONTO A ROOFTOP! YOU'LL BE PAYING FOR THE DAMAGES AND THE NEW HELICOPTER!
{Cut to Gunhaver and 1-Up.}
GUNHAVER: Blue Laser??? I thought you were dead, or at least stuck in the future!
BLUE LASER: WELL, LONG STORY. IN SHORT, I'M GOING TO CRUSH YOU FOR GOOD!
{Blue Laser gets out a high-tech blue laser gun and points it at Gunhaver and 1-Up.}
BLUE LASER: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU TWO FOR GOOD, CHEAT CARCASSES!
GUNHAVER: Yeah? Well, I have a gun! {takes out his gun, points it at Blue Laser, and pulls the trigger, doing nothing} Aw, crap! This thing's empty!
1-UP: Gunhaver, I think that we should do something where we fight Blue Laser together. Now what is that word...
GUNHAVER: Teamwork?
1-UP: No, surrendering, right?
GUNHAVER: Well, let's just fight Blue Laser before I can kill you again.
1-UP: I knew it! I knew you were going to...
{Cut to Blue Laser, who shoots a blue laser at Gunhaver, distracted. Just as the laser is about to hit Gunhaver, 1-Up jumps in the way, spin-kicks, and somehow sends the laser back at Blue Laser and Lenny, creating an explosion as Blue Laser and Lenny are sent flying away. Cut back to Gunhaver and 1-Up.}
GUNHAVER: Whoa. That was awesome. You just saved me!
1-UP: Yeah, that was probably my weakest attack, but I'm not supposed to have superpowers, right?
GUNHAVER: Yeah, you're just a mind thing. Anyway, thanks. Now I won't kill you anymore.
1-UP: Yay! Let's get pudding!
GUNHAVER: But you know, that spin-kick was cheap. I feel like I still need to kick some Blue Laser butt.
1-UP: Let's bother them for the entire day!
GUNHAVER: Good idea!
{Cut to a blue car. Lenny (in bandages) is driving while Carl and Blue Laser are in the back.}
BLUE LASER: I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT NO-ARMED WHITEY JUST DEFEATED US! GOOD THING THAT THERE WAS A CONVENIENTLY PLACED TRAMPOLINE ON THE TOP OF THE CAR PLACED CONVENIENTLY BELOW WHERE WE FELL!
CARL: Yes sir.
{Just then, we hear the car crash. Blue Laser and Carl are thrown from their seats and onto the floor.}
BLUE LASER: LENNY, NOW YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR A NEW BLUE LASER CAR! AND MAYBE AN APPOINTMENT WITH THE CHIROPRACTOR!
{Lenny leans onscreen.}
LENNY: Sir, it's Gunhaver and that no-armed whitey here to bother us, sir.
{Cut to outside the car, where Gunhaver has a dart gun (two of those darts are shot into two of the tires) and 1-Up also has a dart gun. They are in front of the car. Blue Laser and his two minions get out.}
GUNHAVER: Hey Blue Loser. We're here to bother you, and this time, it's two against... three... Crap, we're outnumbered.
1-UP: Who cares? FIRE!!!
{Gunhaver and 1-Up shoot darts at Blue Laser, Carl, and Lenny, doing nothing.}
GUNHAVER: Crap. It turns out that these are actually Harmless Dart Guns©™!
{Then we hear a chime as the words "Cheap as Free" flash at the bottom of the screen.}
BLUE LASER: HAHA! YOU SUCK! LENNY, FIX THE TIRES! CARL, WHEN LENNY FINISHES FIXING THE TIRES, DRIVE THE CAR AND RUN OVER GUNHAVER AND THAT WHITEY! I'LL KEEP THEM DISTRACTED!
GUNHAVER: Oh yeah? How are you going to do that?
{Just then, we hear two gunshots as two binding contraptions are shot at Gunhaver and 1-Up, binding them while they fall to the ground. Blue Laser walks onscreen with a smoking gun.}
BLUE LASER: AHAHAHA! NOW WE JUST HAVE TO WAIT FOR LENNY TO FIX THE TIRES!
GUNHAVER: Why aren't you going to kill us now?
BLUE LASER: NO LETHAL WEAPONS ARE AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW.
{Cut to the following time card.}
Two and a half hours later...
{Cut to the same scene, except the front tires of the car are fixed. Lenny walks onscreen.}
LENNY: The tires are fixed, sir.
BLUE LASER: FANTASTIC! NOW LET ME GET INTO THE CAR AND RUN OVER THOSE TWO!
CARL: But you said I get to run them over, sir.
BLUE LASER: TOO BAD!
{Then Blue Laser gets in the car, backs it up, and begins speeding to Gunhaver and 1-Up. Just then, Tomahaver jumps to the scene, punches Carl and Lenny out of the way, and strikes the bottom of the car with two tomahawks, somehow blowing up the car. Blue Laser is seen flying away.}
BLUE LASER: CURSE YOU, YOU INDIAN CHEAT!
{Cut back to Tomahaver, Gunhaver (free), and 1-Up (free).}
GUNHAVER: Thanks Tomahaver. How did you know we were in trouble?
TOMAHAVER: Sheer coincidence.
1-UP: Oh.
{Cut to Gunhaver typing in front of the Alpha 1260.}
GUNHAVER: {typing} So after that, I remarked that that was the weirdest mission I've ever been on. So Legolas, this is why raw fish is evil.
{Alpha Stan appears below what Gunhaver typed, delivering his usual message.}
ALPHA STAN:Click here to email Gunhaver at GEmail.exe
Easter Eggs
- Click on Blue Laser's laser gun, the Harmless Dart Guns, and/or Blue Laser's gun that shoots out binding contraptions to make the words "Cheap as Free" flash on the screen.
- Click on weirdest mission to see this:
{Cut to a person who has a nametag that says, "Yo, dude. My name is Not Josh", watching the email on his computer. He is holding a bottle of wine. Then he says one of the following.}
- NOT JOSH: What??? You didn't kill 1-Up! This sucks!
- NOT JOSH: What??? The way Blue Laser's defeated doesn't make any sense at all! This sucks!
- NOT JOSH: What??? Gunhaver's that weak and stupid??? This sucks!
- NOT JOSH: What??? Gunhaver went off-topic??? This sucks!
{After that, Not Josh throws his bottle of wine at the computer screen, splashing wine all over the computer, electrifying it.}
NOT JOSH: Crap!
Fun Facts
- The toon Gunhaver was watching in the beginning is from 1-Up Email #69: Parents 2.
- This is the second instance of Alpha Stan talking about punching cows. The first time was in the previous email.
- A reason why Tomahaver has a major role in this email is because this email takes place at the same time as New Mission (you do remember that Gunhaver's stuck in the past), where Tomahaver joins the Cheat Commandos and saves the day.
- The scene with the Psychic Cheat is from Ungurait.
- The Psychic Cheat is a reference to The Shining.
- What 1-Up says while walking down the sidewalk references the recent events of Other Character Email 1-Up. 4-Up is just an emailer's alias (or a real person) who is trying to convince 1-Up that his parents are alive, only 1-Up (stubbornly) denies that information.
- The Heavy Lourde (a running gag) first appears in homsar.
- Gunhaver saying Blue Laser was stuck in the future references to Season 5 in general, but if you want to know how it goes, read this.
- The conveniently placed trampoline is a running gag.
- Legolas is a famous character from the Lord of the Rings.
- The second Easter Egg references to dangeresque 3 when it comes to throwing a wine bottle at a computer screen.
