Other Character Email Gunhaver/Chef
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Summary
Gunhaver's in the big house. Shadow gets Blue Laser in his/her villainous plan.
Cast (in order of appearance): Gunhaver, Police Cheats, NAGSI Headmaster, Shadow, Chef Cheat, Seedy Bar Manager (voice only), Blue Laser, Blue Laser Minions, Waiter #1, Customers, Waiter #2, Various prisoners, Flashfight, Arrowhaver, Reynold, Jewel, Gyro, Alpha Stan
Lines: 194
Page Title: Dandy Tandy Office Version 3.0
Transcript
{Cut to the Cheat City police station. Gunhaver, in orange prison clothes version of his usual attire, is being walked down a hallway with a Police Cheat escorting him.}
POLICE CHEAT: Before you are sent into your cell and begin your miserable prison life, you are allowed one phone call.
GUNHAVER: Sweet! I can leave Reynold one last prank... Wait, is it okay if I check my email instead? I suddenly had a feeling that checking emails is a better way to stall for my new prison life than prank-calling Reynold.
POLICE CHEAT: Uh... {turns the other way} Is it okay if he checks an email instead of having a phone call?
POLICE CHEAT #2: {off-screen} Sure! It'll be good for us in terms of phone bills!
{Cut to Gunhaver in front of a box-like, old-fashioned computer, the Dandy Tandy Office Version 3.0. Gunhaver presses a button to turn it on.}
POLICE CHEAT: {off-screen} It's the newest, state-of-the-art creation from the Dandy Tandy Computer company, the same company that created the Tandy...
GUNHAVER: Yeah, I don't need to listen to that useless information, so shut up.
POLICE CHEAT: {off-screen} Sounds like someone doesn't want to be released from prison for a long time.
GUNHAVER: Bite me.
{A Police Cheat runs onscreen and bites Gunhaver's left arm. Meanwhile, the Dandy Tandy is starting to boot up.}
GUNHAVER: Uh, this is definitely disturbing.
{A screen wipe effect occurs to show Gunhaver in front of the Dandy Tandy, all alone. Captions say "Five minutes later". The computer is still booting up.}
GUNHAVER: Wow. After getting that weird Police Cheat off, this is still booting up. That sucks.
{A screen wipe effect occurs. The captions "Five more minutes later" appear. The computer is still booting up.}
GUNHAVER: Cornbread, this thing is freakin' slow!
{A screen wipe effect occurs. The captions "A total of fifty minutes later" appear. The computer is still booting up. Gunhaver looks like he's going to blow up.}
GUNHAVER: {angrily} THIS IS INSANE!!! IF I STILL HAVE MY GUN, I'D SHOOT THIS COMPUTER!
POLICE CHEAT: {off-screen} Ah! A death-threat to our favorite computer! You're not bein' released for a long time!
GUNHAVER: Bi... er...
{Suddenly, the Dandy Tandy finishes booting up. The following is on the screen.}
DANDY TANDY OFFICE
Version 3.0
The same company that made the Tandy 400.
GUNHAVER: It's about time this lousy computer finally booted up!
POLICE CHEAT: {off-screen} Hey! No dissin' the computer!
{Gunhaver grabs a paperweight and throws it off-screen to the left. A smack and a thud are heard. Meanwhile, the desktop shows up on the Dandy Tandy screen. Gunhaver moves the cursor above the word "INTERNET" and clicks on it. The following is shown with sound effects from AOL.}
INTERNET
Dial-up
Loading a fairly big deal...
GUNHAVER: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
{Cut to a newly built NAGSI headquarters, which looks larger and more advanced. It is in the evening. Cut to inside a large office in the headquarters, where the NAGSI headmaster is on an old-fashioned phone.}
NAGSI HEADMASTER: We, of NAGSI, thank you very much for your benefaction to NAGSI, Nerds And Geeks Space Institution. Because of your money, we were able to buy new technology and instantly build a new headquarters to replace the one a maverick named Gunhaver ruined 11 months, 15 days, 20 hours, 30 minutes, 15 seconds, 19 milliseconds, and 10 microseconds ago.
{Cut to who the NAGSI Headmaster is talking to, Shadow in his/her room.}
SHADOW: It's my pleasure to do so, since I have billions of money left... er I mean, I think it's a great cause to help NAGSI in their mission in life.
NAGSI HEADMASTER: {from other side} No botheration.
SHADOW: But in return, all I ask from you is this... seven of this...
{Cut to the NAGSI Headmaster in his office, listening to Shadow's wants on the phone. He slowly looks more worried every second.}
NAGSI HEADMASTER: But altruist, I don't think that it's statutory, nor is it something that is palliative.
SHADOW: {from other side} Don't worry. You won't hear anything from me and my wants involved in anything illegal.
{Cut to Shadow in his/her room, hanging up the phone.}
SHADOW: Nice. Everything is going all according to plan. In the end, all suspicions held against me will be useless... void. Now, {gets out a notepad and pen} it's about time for me to meet my future associate.
{Cut to Gunhaver in front of the Dandy Tandy. The screen is now black.}
GUNHAVER: After some reprogramming, I made this computer to function like the Alpha 1260, except I couldn't program an Alpha Stan in here. Oh well, I'll just say this functions like the Delta.
{Gunhaver types in "GEmail.exe" and presses enter to make the following email appear on the screen.}
Dear un-Gay aver-Hay
Are you, or do you know any good chefs in your troop?
Because I REALLY need some good recepies for cooking class.
If so, what do you reccomend?
Adios, Johnny^2, 'Bama
{Gunhaver only gets to read "Dear" before this pops up on the screen.}
Dandy Tandy
A fatal exception 0E has occurred at blah, blah, blah. The current application will be terminated. Also, the computer has crashed because it's so weak and you misused it. That means all of your efforts to improve it are void. You sure messed it up. You can't do anything you want now. How do you feel to experience the Green Screen of Death?
{Gunhaver just sits there. The caption, "And now, it's time for a manisfestation of Gunhaver's mind right now." appears. Cut to a greyscale nuclear explosion clip. Cut to the outside of the Cheat City police station. We can hear Gunhaver's manic screaming from inside.}
{Cut to a kitchen. A Chef Cheat is cooking something in a kitchen.}
CHEF CHEAT: {sighs} I remember when I used to work for the Cheat Commandos. {sighs} My, those days sucked.
MANAGER: {off-screen} Shut up about your stupid old days and cook, already! It's Saturday night, for crying out loud, at the Seedy Bar! The last thing we need is customers resorting to smoking candy!
{Zoom out to the outside of the Seedy Bar. Blue Laser and three of his minions walk up to it on a sidewalk.}
BLUE LASER: AND NOW, IT'S TIME FOR US TO CELEBRATE AT THE SEEDY BAR FOR GUNHAVER GOING TO JAIL AT LAST!
BLUE LASER MINION #1: But sir, shouldn't we feel rather crappy, since all we did in the past month was play Monopony?
BLUE LASER: SHUT IT! FROM NOW ON, YOU NEED MY PERMISSION IN ORDER TO SPEAK! AND BESIDES, WE DIDN'T JUST PLAY MONOPONY! {pause} WE ATE TACOS.
BLUE LASER MINION #1: But sir, Italian food is bett...
{Cut to the Blue Laser Minion falling into a dump truck, which drives away. Cut back to Blue Laser and his two remaining minions.}
BLUE LASER: AND NOW, IT'S TIME FOR US TO ENTER THE SEEDY BAR AND...
{Suddenly, a black blur passes by from the right and takes Blue Laser away off-screen. The minions confusedly look around.}
BLUE LASER MINION #2: Uh, this is bad, right?
{Cut to inside the Seedy Bar. The black blur stops at a table with Blue Laser on the other side. The black blur is revealed to be Shadow.}
BLUE LASER: WHAT THE CRAP WAS...
SHADOW: Shut it. Act normal, or I'll find someone else for the job and kill you later.
{A waiter walks up to the table.}
WAITER #1: Uh... isn't it too early for Halloween?
{Shadow jumps at the waiter and punches him in the face, knocking him out. Pan out to reveal the entire restaurant full of customers looking at Shadow.}
SHADOW: What are you all looking at? Want to share the same fate as this stupid waiter?
{Cut to Shadow and Blue Laser sitting at the table. A second waiter walks up to them.}
WAITER #2: Hello sir and... {looks at Shadow} um...
SHADOW: Just get on with it.
WAITER #2: Yes. What would you like?
BLUE LASER: I'D LIKE...
SHADOW: Shut up! I'm not paying for you! Just give us time to plan and talk... and give me a Warm One!
{Pan out to reveal the entire restaurant full of customers.}
CUSTOMERS: {gasping} GASP!
SHADOW: Should I really help the hospital earn more money than they should?
{Cut back to Shadow and Blue Laser at the table. In front of Shadow is a bottle of Warm One.}
SHADOW: Well, now that people can leave us in peace so they won't be in pieces by tomorrow morning, let me talk to you about my plan. How would you like to be alive in the next two, three, four, or five months from now?
BLUE LASER: WHAT KIND OF A QUESTION IS THAT? ONE OF THOSE RHETORICAL THINGS???
SHADOW: No, it's a question that determines whether you're going to be one of the survivors or fatilities in my plan! So what do you choose? Life, or death?
BLUE LASER: UH... IS THERE A THIRD CHOICE?
SHADOW: ANSWER MY QUESTION NOW!!!!
BLUE LASER: I WANT TO LIVE!
SHADOW: Congratulations. You are now involved in my plan. Now...
BLUE LASER MINION #2: {off-screen} Hold it right there!
{Blue Laser's remaining two minions run onscreen.}
BLUE LASER MINION #3: We're here to exceed our usual abilities in order to rescue Blue Laser from you! {pause} So hand him over.
SHADOW: That's cute, but I prefer fighting. Right now.
{Shadow grabs Blue Laser and holds him over his/her head like a weapon before a vertical swing.}
BLUE LASER: YOU DARE USE ME AGAINST MY OWN MINIONS???
SHADOW: Why... yes.
BLUE LASER: AW CRAP! I KNEW SWITCHING THOSE WORDS AROUND IN THAT ONE PHRASE OF NOTICING BETRAYAL ISN'T EFFECTIVE AT ALL!
{Action music plays as Shadow jumps off of his/her chair and swings Blue Laser in a vertical swing to strike a Blue Laser minion in the head, knocking him onto the floor. Then Shadow spins around with Blue Laser in one hand, sending the third Blue Laser minion flying off-screen. Then Shadow throws Blue Laser at the second Blue Laser minion to knock him off-screen. Suddenl, the Blue Laser minion who was just sent flying into a dump truck runs onscreen with garbage all over his body.}
BLUE LASER MINION: Hold it right there, fiend who is holding my boss who I feel less loyal to hostage!
SHADOW: How about if I don't and do something to hurt you?
BLUE LASER MINION: How so?
{Shadow grabs his/her bottle of Warm One and throws it at the Blue LAser minion. Although the bottle doesn't break, it splashes Warm One liquid all over the minion, making him seethe in pain on the floor.}
BLUE LASER MINION: {monotone} Ow! My skin! It burns! Save me the misery!
{Shadow grabs Blue Laser and runs off-screen. Cut to this.}
Meanwhile... at the police station... where Gunhaver's going nuts...
{Cut to various scenes of the Cheat City police station. Cut to outside the building, which has smoke billowing from a large hole made in a wall. Cut to an office with ruined desks, splinters on the floor and implanted in walls, crushed doughnuts on the floor, and a fallen lamp. Cut to a corridor with jail cells, where various prisoners are unconscious on the floor. Cut to the cafeteria, where a cauldron of chili is overturned and prisoners and Police Cheats are lying on the floor, unconscious. Cut to the computer room, where the Dandy Tandy is broken into about a million pieces and every furniture in the room is ruined. Also, there's a hole in a wall. Pan left to reveal Gunhaver, supporting himself by a wall with his right hand, panting heavily.}
GUNHAVER: Hoo! This is the last time I have 90 breakfast burritos for breakfast and lunch!
{A Police Cheat walks up to Gunhaver.}
POLICE CHEAT: All right, I think this is the signal for no tolerance. You're going to solitary confinement!
GUNHAVER: What??? No cellmate?
POLICE CHEAT: No. And while you're at it, no harmonica to blow on either!
{Cut to Gunhaver in a straitjacket thrown into a cell with fluffy walls and a floor. The door closes, completely darkening the cell.}
GUNHAVER: Crap! I always wanted to play the harmonica! {sighs} I wonder how the guys are doing back at the HQ.
{Cut to Flashfight, Arrowhaver, Reynold, Jewel, and Gyro in a room. They're all relaxing, reading, and/or having ice cream.}
JEWEL: Ahh... this is the life!
ARROWHAVER: Yep, no Gunhaver to boss us around...
FLASHFIGHT: No Gunhaver to hog my spotlight as a leader...
GYRO: I second Arrowhaver's point...
REYNOLD: Me too.
ARROWHAVER: Oh crap. Reynold agrees with me. Forget what I said!
REYNOLD: Aww!!!
{Cut to Gunhaver's computer room, where two robots are fanning the Alpha 1260 with Alpha Stan on the screen.}
ALPHA STAN: Hacking robots... hacking robots... hacking robots... hacking robots... hacking robots... hacking robots... Oh, click here to email Gunhaver at GEmail.exe... continue fanning me, robots! Hacking robots... hacking robots... hacking robots... hacking robots... hacking robots...
Easter Eggs
- Click on the robot to the left to see this:
{Cut to Gunhaver in his straitjacket in his cell.}
GUNHAVER: {dazed} Floating, blue, killer monkeys doing the choco maco every day... {normal} Whoa, what was that? I guess I should try to escape... but how do I get myself out of this freakin' straitjacket? I wonder if I can...
{Gunhaver successfully zips off the straitjacket.}
GUNHAVER: It feels like deja vu, only it isn't. {pause} Oh well, onto escaping.
- Click on the robot to the right to see this:
{Cut to the Chef Cheat in the Seedy Bar kitchen.}
CHEF CHEAT: Then again, I don't know if the crappiness of working for the Cheat Commandos is even comparable to the crappiness of working here. I mean, do you know how hard it is to make a Warm One???
MANAGER: {off-screen} Okay, that's it! You're fired!
CHEF CHEAT: No! I have three kids! {pause} Aw... screw it! I'm going to go become an actress!
MANAGER: {off-screen} But you're male!
CHEF CHEAT: Oh, right. Must be the pressure of the kitchen... I'll just become a model.
Fun Facts
- To see why Gunhaver is arrested, read the previous email.
- The Tandy 400 is Strong Bad's first computer.
- Click here to read about dial-up access.
- "Loading a fairly big deal" used to be on the loading screen for the Peasant's Quest Movie Trailer.
- NAGSI and Gunhaver destroying the old NAGSI Headquarters references to Thief 2 Remake.
- The Green Screen of Death references to the Blue Screen of Death.
- The Seedy Bar is from Commandos in the Classroom.
- Smoking candy is also from the aforementioned toon.
- Monopony is based on Monopoly.
- A Warm One is from property of ones.
- Gunhaver last zipped off a straitjacket in Paradox, which, technically, never happened to Gunhaver in this universe.
