Fake Character Email Ductape Blader/Style

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Ductape E-mail #2: Style

Summary: An otaku girl wonders if duct tape clothes itch. Blader teaches you a lesson in tape crafts, and tells you about good taste at Bubs's. Strong Bad endorses products.

Cast (in order of appearance): Ductape Blader, Skatester Skullring, Debbie Blader, Bubs, Strong Sad, Strong Bad, The Cheat, Homestar Runner

Places: Van's indoor skate park, Ductape's computer room, Community center arts-and-crafts room, Bubs's consession stand, TeeBee room.

Date: December 26, 2005

Length: 97 lines

Transcript

{Cut to inside Van's indoor skate park. Ductape is shredding on the quarter pipe and onto the rail. He's on the off-ramp and flips a 540. Then he stops next to his friend, Skatester Skullring, who is watching him, carrying his skteboard.}

DUCTAPE: How was that for a new skate routine?

SKATESTER: Awesometacular. With my new skateboard routine, we're sure to win the X-games.

DUCTAPE: Okay, but let's focus a bit on your Ollies.

SKATESTER: Hey, Blader, what's happening with your e-mail show? You haven't updated in a while.

DUCTAPE: That's because no one e-mails me.

SKATESTER: That's what you think. Anywho, I'm off for a game of DDR. Come with?

DUCTAPE: Nah. I've got to blade on home. It's a good thing it's 50 degrees out and all the snow melted.

SKATESTER: See yehz.

{Ductape Blader now is exiting Van's, and passing other places in Novi like emagine theater, world market, and galyans sports and camping. He lands on a bus stop bench, and a bus pulls up.}

{Cut to Ductape's computer room. His sister, Debbie, is on the computer.}

DUCTAPE: Debbie, can I get on?

DEBBIE: I need it for debate. Unless you want to make cards about body cavity searches.

DUCTAPE: Fine. I just need to check my e-mail.

DEBBIE: Who e-mails you? Besides, dad needs to give me a ride to volleyball practice.

{She stands up from the red office chair and leaves. Ductape sits down, and pulls up a window to check his e-mail.

DUCTAPE: Three new messages? Finally. Now I can get a jump-start. 

Dear Ductape Blader,

Doesn't all that duct tape itch? I tried it, and I was scratching for days.

One of the local magical girls,
SaturnReincarnation

DUCTAPE: Magic girls? Ah. You must be one of those anime likers. Otaku. I'm not much for anime myself, more of a Star Wars Expanded Universe guy. But yeah. I'll let you keep your opinion, Solar Saturn. So, about itchy duct tape. No, it doesn't itch for me. Wait, did you put it directly on your skin? Not a good idea, Saturn. That really itches, and it'll rip your hair and possibly even skin off. No, I should teach you A few good lessons in the creation of duct-tape clothes and accessories, and maybe a little better style, too. The anime look it so out now.

{Slide over to what looks like an arts and crafts room. Ductape is holding a huge roll of duct tape. An audience is in front of him in the foreground.}

DUCTAPE: Hello class. Thank you for coming to the community center on the "Duct-tape crafts" seminar. Now, when you get a roll of ductape, don't mess with it right away. Not a good idea. You'll get tape all over the place and be ripping it off your floors, walls and funiture for weeks. The first thing is to know the layering strategy.

{As he says this, he rips off pieces of tape and sticks them on top of each other.}

DUCTAPE: Remember: 10 layers is optimum. And use both sides, so it won't stick to your skin. Now let's get on to the design...

{Fade to a montage. An instrumental of "Reptilia" by The Strokes is playing in the background. There are now scenes that are going fast-forwarded, in slow motion. (Does that sound redundant?) We first see Ductape creating a wallet, then a sleeve and part of the torso for a shirt, and then a pair of shorts, and even a duct-tape hoodie. Then we see him coloring said tape with paints, and cutting wonderful designs in with scissors, and bejewling them.}

DUCTAPE: And those are some creative ways of personalizing your duct tape creations. Now I'm out to sell these over at Bubs's.

{We are now at Bubs's consession stand. Bubs is playing with a short-string paddle toy. Ductape walks to the counter.

BUBS: Hey, Bladey. What's happening?

DUCTAPE: Well, today was dayable.

BUBS: Cool, cool, generic, cool. So... can I interest you in a short-string paddle toy?

DUCTAPE: Nnnn-o. But, can you help me sell more of my merchandise?

BUBS: Your high-quality crafts? Of course I'll aid you in selling your wares, Bladey.

{Strong Sad walks up to the counter}

STRONG SAD: Oh, Ductape. Is your new shipment of wallets in? The Cheat flushed mine down the toilet.

DUCTAPE: Sure. Just pick one.

{He takes out a good supply of wallets and places them in a fan. There are many different varieties.}

STRONG SAD: I really like this one. {He picks up a wallet that's gray, and has what looks like his face on it.}

DUCTAPE: Nice choice. It's really you. Literally. I really like the gray tones. It matches with your thick, gray soolnds.

STRONG SAD: That's one of the nicest things anyone ever said to me. {He puts $3.24 on the counter.}

{Strong Bad is now approaching to the counter with The Cheat.}

STRONG BAD: Yeah. So, you're saying, if we endorse something, we'll get tons of cold hard cash!

THE CHEAT: {The Cheat noises, sounds like "Hey Blader-man"}

STRONG BAD: Hiya, Duct-tape. How's your {holding in laughter} e-mail show going? Any good?

DUCTAPE: I'm answering said e-mail right now! Anywho, you seem like a guy with good taste. You need any Duct tape creations? I have a nice pair of pants with your name on them.

STRONG BAD: No, that'll get more of my adoring fans to send annoying tape-leg messages.

DUCTAPE: I know. Those suck.

THE CHEAT: {whispers to Strong Bad}

STRONG BAD: No way! Hey, Blader, can we advertise your {with a flourish} products?

BUBS: {Takes out a sign that says "Endorsements: $1.06"} That'll be one dollar and six cents!

DUCTAPE: No, I'm fine with that. Don't pay.

THE CHEAT: {more Cheat squeaks.}

DUCTAPE: Oh, my roller blades? These are SaargtSkates. They are a special comfortable brand like actual shoes. They're made by Saargtsson-Bosch, GmbH.

STRONG BAD AND THE CHEAT: {simoltaneously emit a low whistle.}

{Cut to the TeeBee. There is some static, until a commercial comes on.}


ANNOUNCER: Hey kids! From the makers of the SaargtScreen and the SaargtSkillet {as he says this, the SaargtScreen and the SaargtSkillet appear onscreen} comes something totally new!

{Flash to Van's indoor skate park. Several people are shredding on the equipment. Strong Bad is on screen, wearing SaargtSkates.}

ANNOUNCER: SaargtSkates! They're like shoes, but with special Saargtsson wheels!

{Pan to another scene, this time, on the roof of Bubs's consession stand. The Cheat is wearing a pair of SaargtSkates}

ANNOUNCER: And it's so comfortable! They are completely soft! {The Cheat rolls off the building.}

{We now go to a scene where Strong Sad wearing a The Cheat costume in SaargtSkates is being pushed off a ladder, and onto an inflatable pool, with the words "Ductape is awexome" on it.}

ANNOUNCER: That's right! SaargtSkates will make you the life of the party!

{Skatester Skullring pulls up on his skateboard.}

SKATESTER: Umm... Strong Bad? Aren't those Ductape's?

{Pan out to see Homestar watching the commercial}

HOMESTAR: {Picks up a phone} Hello, can I buy a pair of your SaargtSkates? Yes, I'll hold.

{Cut back to Blader's computer.}

DUCTAPE: So there, Saturn-lady. I told you how to create Duct-Tape clothes. I hope you itchiness will be alleviated in the future. Now I have to make debate cards for Debbie. And don't send me any more Duct-tape e-mails. I'm better than that.

{The computer shows a window saying: Click here to e-mail Blader.}

Easter Eggs

  • Wait a bit to see Ductape searching for info on body cavity searches.

DEBBIE: Hey Ductape. Do you have my cards yet?

DUCTAPE: No, not yet Debbie.

DEBBIE: You've been on for an hour! How much time did you waste?

DUCTAPE: Umm...

Fun Facts

  • Skatester Skullring isn't my character, I borrowed him from C.Olimar788
  • Ductape is in an actual place, Novi is near the Detroit metropolitan area.
  • The comment about it being warm in December is because snow was melting fast that day.
  • My sister actually did tell me to make debate cards for her, and is on the volleyball team.
  • "Reptilia" by The Strokes is an actual song, and it's a really nice alternative rock song.
  • The Strong Sad wallet is from an old Weekly Fanstuff.
  • Strong Bad is laughing at Ductape, and all those other bad e-mail shows.
  • Strong Bad didn't want another tape-leg message, and neither did Ductape. So don't send them.
  • Bubs taking out a sign instantly is another reference to his greed.
  • SaargtSkates are a play on the SaargtScreen, which was referenced in this e-mail. The reason his skates are named SaagtSkates is because I used a Saargtsson sprite for the wheels.
  • Saargtsson-Bosch, GmbH. This company came from the Stinkomanual.
  • The old Strong Sad gets pushed into an inflateable pool scene is from "stunt double".
  • "Awexome" is how it's spelled in "monster truck" and in "Awexome Cross 98"
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