I Am Strongbadia! (And So Can You!)
From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki
Contents |
Intro
Hello. By buying this book, you have said how you love me and Strong Badia. And I love you too. Unless you're my enemy. Then I don't. Let me lay down some ground rules here, okay? I, Strong Bad am writing this book. It's about Strong Badia, my country. Now, it's sorta indirectly about Strong Badia, it's more about me. I mean, I am Strong Badia, and so can you. Read on to here my opinions about stuff. Just do it and I won't throw bricks at your windshield, alright?
Chapter 1:Family
Family is complicated. It consists of a dad, a mom, and some children. The problem I see with family is that we let our kids out into college too late. That's why there's so many poor people in America. By the time you're eighteen, you're not imaginative! I think we should educate our children about half of life by the time they're five and let them out to the world by ten! We should get rid of child labor laws and just let them work. When we're ten we're so imaginative! And that's the key to making a buisness. I was imaginative when I was a kid. Just look at this story I found in the family files. I couldn't have been more than seven when I wrote it.
"i rubd a botl and a geny cam. the geny made homestar homsar coach z my parents kot and poopsmith go away. end."
See? So imaginative! I couldn't come up with that today! I would've had the genie do paperwork or something. Unfortunately, I stayed with my parents until I was eighteen. I was unlucky. Who wants to be nagged by there parents for eighteen years? That's why I never loose touch with my childhood. I play Space Captainface with The Cheat all the time! And besides, the mom and the dad deserve only ten years of painful child come upance. Not eighteen! That's excessive! Until they make that law in America, that's how it works in Strongbadia. It's like the song goes, "When you're born, you gotta learn about life, and when you're five, you gotta use it, and then when you're ten, you're 3 strikes outta there like a baby hen!" Now, I would've had five be the time to get out, but five years olds boys don't have the muscles to work. Ten is when you hit the nail on the head. And now it's time for Strong Bad Speaks for me, a chance for average FCUSA citizens to agree with what I think. Today, it's Homestar.
Strong Bad Speaks for me:Homestar
Oh hello! I'm Homestar Runner. I have the closest thing to a family than any of the characters, a girlfriend. Soon we will have a family. We may have broken up on October 31st, but we got back together. Our ups and downs lead to a children and family, hopefully. And I agree with Strong Bad. i wulda ben a lot smarder if i was let out at ten. Who does want to be nagged for eighteen years? Not me. I want freedom without responsibility! Now I gotta go convince Marzipan that it was accident when I jammed a hatchet into her answering machine. Homsar told me that's how you make a time machine. And it worked! I can go forward at regular speed! Hooray! See ya.
Chapter 2:Old People
I am no fan of old people. With they're Moo Moos, and they're Too Toos, and they're Dainty McDainty crap, so I think by the time someone is 64, scratch that, 60 they should be deported out of the country and onto a private island called "Old People Heaven". And then we send people we hate to go take care of them. Like Homestar, Homsar, The Poopsmith and Rosie O'Donnel could go down there and take care of the old idiots. Then we'd have cool people hangin' around the great mound. Like this one time, I was trying to go downstairs, and this old guy was walking so slow, a turtle could've beat him in a race. In fact, I brought a turtle there and betted Homestar the turtle could beat the old man. But we were in a hospital, and the old man had Dimentia, and he thought turtles were the devil, so he started yelling "EL DIABLO! EL DIABLO!" And he died. Homsar bet that the old man would die, and so I had to give him a hundred bucks. It sucked. But I say good riddance to the old man. We don't need him blocking our stairways. And he costed me a hundred bucks. He sucks. Now you're probably saying, "Strong Bad! What about when you're sixty years old, wouldn't you have to move?!" First of all, calm down, physcopath. Second of all:Yes. Remember, I would be going to Old People Paradise. And I would leave my country to my son. And he would take care of it. And he would take good care because he would've been let out to the world when he was ten. He would take care of it dearly. And Homestar would be at the island, away from me. Also, we wouldn't have to worry about making the island bigger that much. Because the old people would die anyway. They're old. And If we did want to make the island bigger, we could have China do it. And we could bribe them with a third bathroom break. So we could finally have an old person free society. And now Strong Bad speaks for me number 2!
Strong Bad speaks for me-King of town
Oh, hello my royal subjects. I am the King Of Town. Now I half to agree with Strong Bad here. I'm so old I don't even remember my age. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the chapter. Umm...yes! I would like to be sent to an island instead of having all these responsibilitys to deal with. People questioning my authority right now, if by right now I mean since 1998, but if i'm on another island they can't complain about anything! Now I gotta go eat something. Some weird red jumpy thing The Poopsmith found in that place the "Tell tale Heart" was filmed. Bye!
Chapter 3:Animals
You might be suprised when I say this, but animals are the key to doing whatever you want. I have an animal. The Cheat. He's a kinda resident of Strongbadia. And I treat him like a human. I let him sit at the table and read the Local Newspapes, and watch tv on the couch when he's not in the crisper drawer. Everything. You may think I spoil him, but no! I may treat him like a human, but I don't respect him. I'm his owner. I have the rules. He gets no respect. Which leads to my plan about doing whatever we want! The president of the USA. What is he? A human. President of Strongbadia. Who is he? Me. What is he? A human. The world is ruled by humans who get respect. That's the problem, people! As somebody once said probably, "Respect breeds power!" Which brings me to my point, animals should rule the country. What, did I shake you up? Here's the thing, I said animals should be treated like humans without the respect. So making a dog in charge of the country would be great! He could decide anything he wants, we wouldn't care! We'd do whatever we want. Exactly. We could yell "fire!" in Homestar's living room and not be punished. And if there was an actual fire we don't have to save someone. Homestar would just slowly burn. Wait no, scratch that...we would need Homestar to send to the old people island. Anyway, as for the animals themselves, they're fun. And they make good company. Not...that I need any uh, company. I got ladies crawlin' all over me as I type this. And now for The Cheat.
Strong Bad speaks for me-The Cheat
I fully agree with Strong Bad on this one. Yet, I don't agree. Doesn't seem possible, does it? Think again. Seriously. I'll wait. Hmmm......hmmmm.....you thought? Well for the idiots who didn't think, I think animals should be respected and given power! I mean, we're animals! We would have everybody do whatever they want anyway! For people who did think that, go ahead and sign you're name here:___________ and remember, the crisper drawer is my life. Tell Strong Bad to let me have that privelege again. I even got tacen of spelchek privledjes! Anyway, that's all for me.
Religion
Ooh, touchy subject. Well, poisonally, I think everyone should worship none other then...me. I mean, come on! Isn't it common sense? I mean there would be a church of me! Think about it, I would be hanging on a peice of wood in a church, except it would probably be guitar shaped. LIMOZEEN! And, when I die, The Cheat could become The Pope. Of Strongbadiaism. It actually makes too much sense. Here are My Ten Commandments: I: Worship me and me only, okay? II: Thou Shalt Not mess around with my stuff in my room, that is my stuff! III: Like Limozeen. Even if you don't like him. Like him. IIII: Don't respect thy mother and father. V: Be awesome. But not as awesome as me, okay? Even though that's impossible. VI: Don't use Roman Numerals, they're annoying. VII: That last one not make too much sense? Well that goes right along with commandment number eight. VIII: Be rebelious. Not to The Church of Stronbadiaism, though. Only to Commandment number Six, and everything else. VIIII: Beat up Homestar at least once a day. X: no murder, and all that crap. There! There's my Ten Commandments. Follow them like...something that people follow. The bible will be this book. I mean, come on. It's very Holy...Crap! Enjoy that, because that's the last Holy Crap you'll be getting until 2012. So, that's my views on religion. Any others besides Strongbadiaism is WRONG! And now, Strong Bad Speaks For Me. Tonight: The Bishop.
Strong Bad Speaks For Me: The Bishop
Hello, there. I am the King Of Town's Bishop. I am rarely seen on your Internet Machines, MORE LATER!
