Other Character Email Gunhaver/Toast
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Summary
Gunhaver gets questioned about toast.
Cast (in order of appearance): Gunhaver, Alpha Stan, Contestro, Silent Rip, Mail Cheat, Reynold, AOMFBAS, Bread & Sugar Company Employee
Lines: 116
Page Title: Bring it on, lucky 7. Oh, and Alpha 1260
Transcript
{Cut to Gunhaver in front of the Alpha 1260. Alpha Stan is on the screen, and everything is normal for the start of the email.}
GUNHAVER: OMG! Gunhaver's checking an email! The world is saved!
{Contestro leans onscreen at the right.}
CONTESTRO: OMG! Contestro's in the house! The galaxy is saved!
GUNHAVER: {to Contestro} What are you doing in here?
CONTESTRO: Oh... just... wasting time.
{Contestro goes off-screen.}
GUNHAVER: O... kay
Hello Gunhaver, you have 19 new emails.
{Gunhaver presses a button to make the following email appear on the screen. Gunhaver reads it.}
subject: toast
ok Gunhaven,
- Sahm
How much toast do you eat in a day? Five? And do you have bacon with it?
GUNHAVER: Who the crap is Gunhaven? I think he died years ago. But I'll do his ghost a favor. How much toast do I eat in a day? Uh...
{Cut to Gunhaver in a kitchen. There's a kitchen stand with a toaster, an oven, a table with a plate on it, a sink, and a refrigerator. Gunhaver gets out a piece of toast from the refrigerator.}
GUNHAVER: What? This is all we have to eat? I ought to make Reynold go shopping again! Oh well, a piece of crappy toast can't be that bad, can it?
{Gunhaver takes a bite out of the piece of toast.}
GUNHAVER: Ew! This piece of toast tastes frozen and like grass! Can toasters do anything about this?
{Gunhaver crams the piece of toast into the toaster and turns it on. After waiting, the toaster "spits" out a very burnt and crumpled piece of toast. Gunhaver takes it and takes a bite out of it.}
GUNHAVER: Ew! This piece of toast tastes burnt! I ought to wash it down before it spontaneously combusts!
{Gunhaver goes to the sink and has water poured onto the piece of bread. After Gunhaver turns the water faucet off, he takes a bite out of the piece of toast.}
GUNHAVER: Ew! Now it tastes burnt and soggy! Maybe I should put something like butter or jam on it!
{Gunhaver opens the refrigerator, looks in it, and gets out a small container. He opens it and pours its contents onto the "piece of toast". Then he takes a bite out of it and spits it out.}
GUNHAVER: Ew! Wasabi is definitely NOT the best thing to put on bread! Maybe I should put this in the oven!
{Gunhaverr opens the oven. Suddenly, we go back to Gunhaver in front of the Alpha 1260.}
GUNHAVER: {shudders before typing} Ugh. Such horrors lie waiting in the kitchen. That probably explains why the chef hasn't been heard of since... {pause} ever. Heck, I don't even know if he exists. That means we can blame all the horrendous food foisted on us on Reynold.
{Gunhaver clears the screen.}
GUNHAVER: {typing} So after that horrendous experience, I decided to sue the Bread Company.
{Cut to Gunhaver and Silent Rip in a room.}
GUNHAVER: Oh man! When am I ever going to get that reply from the Bread Company replying to my complaints about bread?
SILENT RIP: You sent the complaint yesterday.
GUNHAVER: No smart talk, young commando!
SILENT RIP: Young commando???
{The Mail Cheat from before walks onscreen with an envelope and a backpack.}
MAIL CHEAT: Here is the reply you want so freakin' much, Gunhaver.
{The Mail Cheat gives Gunhaver an envelope. Gunhaver opens it, takes out a letter, and throws the envelope away, making the Mail Cheat duck to dodge the flying object. Gunhaver reads from the letter.}
GUNHAVER: {reading} Dear Mr. Gunhaver, I don't care. Sincerely, the Bread Company Boss. {stops reading} Well, that sucks. {to the Mail Cheat} What are you still doing here? Leave!
MAIL CHEAT: I'm afraid I can't, for I'm also here because the Bread Company wanted me to do a demonstration to you.
{The Mail Cheat gets out a piece of bread from his backpack and a paintbrush with paint.}
MAIL CHEAT: It's called Toastpaint.
{Slightly suspenseful music starts playing as the Mail Cheat slowly lowers the paintbrush to the piece of bread in front of Gunhaver's eyes. Abruptly cut back to Gunhaver in front of the Alpha 1260.}
GUNHAVER: {typing} Whoa! Sorry! I got off-topic back there! Anyway, what am I supposed to talk about next?
{Gunhaver presses a button to bring up the email sent to him. He quickly reads it. Then he clears the screen.}
GUNHAVER: {typing} Ah, yes! Bacon on bread! Well, here's my reply. Who on earth eats toast with bacon? Let me tell you who. It's the Ba...
VOICE: {talking over Gunhaver} An unnecessary Bonus Stage reference.
GUNHAVER: {typing} ...an. The only good thing to put on toast is NOT wasabi, NOT cheese, NOT cream, NOT butter, and DEFINITELY NOT bacon! The best thing to put on toast is sugar, which gives you a vague image of Bread & Sugar (good for you). Speaking of Bread & Sugar, this reminds me of the time when I forced Reynold to come with me to a Bread & Sugar Convention on one winter day of 2005.
{Cut to a snowy sidewalk with buildings in the background. Gunhaver and Reynold are walking down the sidewalk from the right.}
GUNHAVER: Reynold, what are you doing, stalking me like that? I don't like stalkers. They're wastes of bullets.
REYNOLD: Well, you kicked me out of the Cheat Commandos headquarters, remember?
GUNHAVER: Ah yes, one of my greatest feats.
REYNOLD: Anyway, what are you doing here? You know very well that conventions are held only in summers.
GUNHAVER: No I don't.
REYNOLD: Look. Whatever weird convention you're going to, it's not going to happen. It's the winter, when people are studying for finals and...
GUNHAVER: {interrupting} Look, you're just jealous that your "Edgar Allen Joe Convention" is snowed in for the entire season! The Bread & Sugar Convention is not, and that's final! See for yourself!
{Cut to a snowed in dome. A signpost (snowy) that says "To the depressing Edgar Allen Joe Convention" is pointing at the dome. Suddenly, the signpost snaps and falls over from the snow. Then the dome collapses from the weight of the snow. Pan to the right, where a dome with a banner "BREAD & SUGAR CONVENTION" can be seen in a grassy field with a blue sky, the sun, a rainbow, flowers, squirrels, and happy music. Cut back to Reynold and Gunhaver.}
REYNOLD: THAT'S NOT THE POINT!
GUNHAVER: Yes it is! And you're coming with me so you can be tortured by all of the things you hate inside that building!
{Gunhaver drags Reynold off-screen and to the dome.}
REYNOLD: {off-screen} I don't really understand how it's snowing at the Edgar Allen Joe Convention, but not at the Bread & Sugar Convention, which is right next to the former!
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} The Bread & Sugar Convention follows Australian time, stupid.
{Cut to inside the Bread & Sugar Convention dome. There are various posters of the snack all around the dome's walls, models of Bread & Sugar boxes and the snacks themselves (sugary pieces of bread), booths concerning Bread & Sugar and related snacks, and many other stuff found in conventions. Gunhaver and Reynold walk up to one particular model, which is a large (plastic) piece of bread with large eyes, mouth, and a cape. The model makes Reynold scream.}
REYNOLD: WHAT IS THAT???
GUNHAVER: Cool! That must be the new mascot for Bread & Sugar! The perfect mascot for scaring little children and Reynold!
{Suddenly, the scene pauses and fades a little. Then the following words sung appear as words on the screen.}
SINGERS: Which is why you should buy all our playsets and toys!
{The screen turns back to normal. An employee of the Bread & Sugar Company appears.}
EMPLOYEE: Yes, it is our new mascot for Bread & Sugar. {pointing to the model of the mascot} Meet AOMFBAS, short for An Ordinary Mascot For Bread And Sugar.
REYNOLD: {sarcastically} What a creative name.
GUNHAVER: Yes, it is!
REYNOLD: I was being sarcastic!
GUNHAVER: Yeah, when you just said that. Now, let's look around the convention!
{Cut to a montage. The first part of the montage is Gunhaver and Reynold watching Bread & Sugar commercials on a broken TV set. Reynold looks bored while Gunhaver looks awed by the commercials. Cut to Reynold reading informational stuff about Bread & Sugar, like "The History of Bread & Sugar" or "How Bread & Sugar Affects Your Nutrition" with great interest. Meanwhile, Gunhaver is eating boxes of Bread & Sugar. Cut to Reynold eating a grain of sugar. Suddenly, Reynold looks crazy-looking and starts running and jumping around the place, ruining booths, models, and posters in the room. Cut to Reynold dressed up as a piece of bread.}
GUNHAVER: {voiceover} Obviously, this was the real reason why I brought him to the convention in the first place. To do this.
GUNHAVER: {off-screen} EAT THIS!
{Gunhaver runs onscreen with a bucket of paint and throws the paint at Reynold and his costume. Abruptly cut back to Gunhaver at the Alpha 1260.}
GUNHAVER: {typing} Whoa! I got seriously off-topic again! Anyway, since there's nothing more to the email to answer, eat the end.
Click here to email Gunhaver at GEmail.exe
Easter Eggs
- Click on off-topic to see this additional scene (NOTE: This can be accessed only once):
GUNHAVER: You all angry about the fact that I only referenced Toastpaint? Well, do you think that I really have time to reference Eekdancers? Or TOTPDs? Or Evil Eekdancers? Or Blursday? Or 1-Up and pudding? Or sysops? Or Dancing Bananas? Or people confusing Unguraits as Jawas? Or Jlammy? Or Karl? Or...
{Fade to black. Cut to the same scene. Captions say "4 hours later...".}
GUNHAVER: ...the NSMC vandal? Or Squeaky? Or MeritPoints? Or...
{Suddenly, a toast with paint on it is thrown at Gunhaver's head.}
GUNHAVER: Whoops! I got off-topic again!
{Long pause.}
GUNHAVER: This toast with paint is pretty gross.
Fun Facts
- The email intro references Stealing.
- Click here to learn about wasabi.
- The Mail Cheat is from Black Laser and Bread.
- Toastpaint is a running gag on the HRWiki and HRFWiki forums. It is used to indicate that the users have gotten off-topic, and they should go back on-topic.
- The censoring the Bonus Stage reference references to my vow to make as little Bonus Stage references as possible, as seen here.
- Just so you know, Gunhaver references the Bacon Man in Bonus Stage episode 79 (WARNING: Has some violence, some moderate language, some inappropriacy, and big spoilers).
- Edgar Allen Joe is based off of Edgar Allen Poe, the writer.
- At this time, it's summer in Australia, which is what Gunhaver references to.
- In the Easter Egg, Gunhaver also references Eekdancers, Evil Eekdancers, TOTPD, Blursday, 1-Up & Pudding, Sysops, Dancing Bananas, Jawas, Jlammy, Karl, NSMC Vandal, Squeaky, and MeritPoints.
- It is stated that Gunhaver took toast out of the freezer. However, unless it was toasted beforehand and placed back in the freezer, it would still be bread.
