Fake Character Email Dan/cheat-o-logne

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Dan shows off his new cologne.

Cast (In order of appearance): Dan, Michelle, Victor, Jennifer, Kristen, Joy, Virginia, The Cheat, Reynold, Gunhaver, Silent Rip, Crackotage, Fightgar, Foxface

Places: Dan's Computer Room, Marzipan's backyard, The Mall, Commandos HQ

Date: June 13, 2007

Lines: 83

Transcript

DAN: Okay, guys. No more alternate universe emails.

{Dan reads Daaaaan as *sigh* Dan}

DAN: {typing} Firstly, I do not stink. {says, while changing stink to stonk} Uh, stonk. {typing} What you can smell is pure, 100% Cheat-o-logne!!! {singing, quietly} Cheat-o-logne... {typing} Guaranteed to make swoon all lady-types within stink's reach! Watch!

{Cut to Michelle's backyard. Michelle is watering the grass. Dan comes up from behind the fence, holding onto it with both hands}

DAN: Hey, Michelle.

{Michelle looks up}

MICHELLE: Oh, hi Dan. Did you come over to return my oven mitts?

{Short pause. Dan stares at Michelle, who holds her nose.}

DAN: So... Are you madly in love with me yet?

MICHELLE: Um, no. That's disgusting. And you smell like a litterbox.

DAN: Oh. {short pause} How about now?

MICHELLE: No!

{Victor comes into shot, and looks at Dan}

VICTOR: {Drawing out the word the way Homestar did the older cartoons} DaaAAaaAAaan.

DAN: {groans} What?

VICTOR: {Holding nose} You stonk really bad. Try inventing a new kind of deodorant.

{Dan flips Victor the double deuce, then yells as he falls down behind the fence}

VICTOR: {To Michelle} I read that on the interwebs.

MICHELLE: I don't know what that means.

{Cut to behind the fence. Dan stands up}

DAN: Okay, that didn't work. {rubbing chin} Maybe it only works on ladies who don't already have boyfriends...

{Cut to the mall. The Teen Girl Squad are there.}

JENNIFER: Hey gals, let's go get ready to look so good!

KRISTEN: Word.

JOY: Word.

VIRGINIA: Word.

{Dan comes into view, the girls hold their noses}

DAN: Whoa, hey there, Jennifer, you're looking so good. Want to go take a ride with me up to, uh, Checkers? Or Rally's? Or, uh, Sonic Burger? Whatever you guys got here.

JENNIFER: I wouldn't take a ride with you even if you were dipped in low-fat saltwater taffy!!

DAN: {Hesitates} What about freshwater taffy?

JENNIFER: No!

JOY: {Raising hand} I want to go to Checkly Burger...

DAN AND JENNIFER: {To Joy} No!

{Establishing shot: Commandos HQ. Cut Dan and The Cheat in the lobby.}

DAN: And... You're sure that an of-age lady works in here?

THE CHEAT: Yeah. A really hot lady.

DAN: Well, why are we standing around here? Let's go!

{They set off down a corridor, and quickly run into Reynold}

REYNOLD: {To himself} I almost never cry... {Sees Dan and The Cheat} Hey, you're not allowed down here!

DAN: Uh-oh.

REYNOLD: I have a gun, you know. {Points fingers like a gun}

THE CHEAT: We're here for the vacant position.

REYNOLD: Vacant position? I didn't hear anything about that...

THE CHEAT: {Whispering to Dan} Go!

DAN: Oh!

{Dan runs away, Reynold doesn't notice}

THE CHEAT: Yeah, it's a big secret. Not many people know about it...

{Cut to Dan running down the corridor}

DAN: Okay, people out there in... internet land... get ready to see my Cheat-o-logne at work!

{He pauses in front of an open door and looks inside. The door leads to the main room seen in the Cheat Commandos cartoons. Gunhaver, Silent Rip, Crackotage, Fightgar and Foxface are inside. Dan enters the room and addresses Foxface, the commandos stare at him}

DAN: Hey, baby, wanna go ice-skating sometime? Or, I dunno, snow... walking?

{Foxface is unimpressed}

GUNHAVER: Oh my god! He's trying to mind control Foxface with some sort of... mind controlling cologne!

SILENT RIP: Are you sure they exist, sir?

DAN: {Simultaneously} Oh crap!

{He glances around the room while Gunhaver says his next line}

GUNHAVER: I think I saw some in a James Bond movie once.

{Dan runs out of the room again. The camera follows him.}

FIGHTGAR: {Voice fading away} I though James Bond was just a...

{Cut back to Dan's computer room. Dan runs in from the right, stops to catch his breath, then sits back the computer}

DAN: {typing} Well, that was a complete waste of time. This stuff does not do what it says on the back of the bottle. Well, better end this email before any more ladies can reject me. {He picks up The Paper, but realises that he tore it in the previous email} Oh, crap!

{Dan tears The Paper in half, then types the_paper.exe and looks over at the printer. The printer sparks a few times, and doesn't print anything out}

DAN: {Not typing} And now my printer's broken! This day could not possibly get any worse.

FIGHTGAR: {Offscreen} There he is!

{Gunhaver, Silent Rip, Fightgar and Crackotage run in. Silent Rip handcuffs Dan before he can react}

DAN: What the— how did you get in my house? {The Cheat comes onscreen, dressed as Firebert} The Cheat?

THE CHEAT: I got in! I'm a member of— Oh. You're arrested again.

GUNHAVER: Good work, junior commando! You've helped us arrest this dangerous, mind-controlling terrorist!

DAN: You let them in?

THE CHEAT: How was I supposed to know they were looking for you? {To Gunhaver} So now you're going to let him go?

{Gunhaver, Silent Rip, Fightgar and Crackotage laugh. Silent Rip starts dragging Dan away}

DAN: You set me up! You set me up!

THE CHEAT: {Chasing after them} Wait!

{Once they're all gone, closeup on one half of The Paper. It reads "Click here tc".}

Easter Eggs

  • Click on Cheat-o-logne the first time Dan types it to see what it looks like. It's a bottle with a yellow and black spotted label. A large caption says, "The Cheat's Cheat-o-logne", while smaller captions say "The ladies love it!" and "New and Improved!"

Fun Facts

  • This is quite possibly the most clichéd piece of writing I have ever put together. Find all the Homestar Runner quotes and stock dialogue, and win... something. Maybe.
  • I don't think Dan has actually received any clear-cut alternate universe emails. I just interpreted them that way.
  • The interwebs, or TeH iNtAwEbZ, depending on how sarcastic you're feeling, is common slang for the internet.
  • The thing with the printer isn't a ripoff. Dan's technology needs to mirror Strong Bad's as closely as possible, or it doesn't feel right.

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