Other Character Email Jaro/pet

From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki

Summary

Jaro receives an email asking if he has a pet. The email slowly strays off topic.

Cast: Jaro, Grundy, Chorch, A Dog, People, Garfinkle, yellow dog, a whale, a hamster, an elephant, many animals, Grundy’s mom.

Lines:104

Transcript

{Cut to Jaro, Chorch and Grundy at the computer.}

JARO: {singing} Someone stole my email, and then I broke his jaw. {types “Jaro_email.exe}

Subject: Pet

Hey Jaro,
Do you have a pet?

Bub

JARO: {reads email and begins typing} No Bubba, I do not have a pet. I have ‘’’had’’’ a pet though.

{Cut to a grocery store. A dog is sitting in front of a crowd of people and a pile of cans. Jaro is in the crowd.}

MAN: Who’s dog is this!?

JARO: Uh, he’s my dog!

MAN: Oh, really? What’s his name then?

JARO: Uh…

{Jaro glances over at a bottle of laundrey detergent.}

JARO: Uh…his name is Laundry Detergent!

MAN: He’s insane. ATTACK!

JARO: AHH! {People attack Jaro. Cut back to the computer.}

JARO: {clears screen and types} And then there was that cat…

{Cut to Jaro at some table. A fat, orange cat lies there.}

JARO: Garfinkle, you’re fat!

GARFINKLE: {thinking} I’m not fat, you’re just too skinny.

{A yellow dog runs up. Garfinkle gets up and boots him off the table.}

GARFINKLE: {thinking} I’m not known for my compassion.

{Cut back to the computer.}

GRUNDY: Oh, and I had a pet once!

{Cut to some ocean. Grundy stands on a pile of rocks.}

GRUNDY: Jump, Free Jimmy! Jump for your life!

{A whale jumps out of the water and tries to jump over the rocks. It fails and crushes Grundy. Cut back to the computer.}

CHORCH:…okay…

JARO: Anway, Bubs, to experience the effects of having a pet, I have recently downloaded the new program, Pet.exe!

{Jaro types Pet.exe into the computer.}

Welcome to Pet.exe!

Choose your pet!
Dog
Cat
Fish
Bird
Hamster
Hens
Turtle
Elephant

CHORCH: Let’s try Hamster. {a mouse moves and clicks on “Hamster”}

{A hamster in a cage appears onscreen. It is brown and very fat.}

JARO: Aw. Look at him!

GRUNDY: Let’s give him a name!

CHORCH: How about, Phil. For my favorite state, Philidelphia!

{Jaro types in “Phil”.}

JARO: He’s so cute!

GRUNDY: Look at his little wiskers!

CHORCH: Come’n Phil! Do a trick!

{Phil gets up and starts dancing. Music plays.}

JARO: He’s so smart!

{After a while, the music stops and the hamster returns to normal.}

GRUNDY: Let’s try Elephant now!

{Jaro clicks back, and selects Elephant. A gray, african, elephant goes onsceen.}

JARO: He’s a big feella!

LAPPIT: Now activating, Smell-O-Vision.

{Cut to the outside of the Pirate Ship. Screams of disgust echo through the walls. Cut back inside, where Jaro and the gang are spraying air freshener.}

JARO: Once again, I smelled it without a nose.

GRUNDY: How do you do that?

JARO: Well, I just-

CHORCH: {offscreen} Hey guys! Look at this!

{Jaro and Grundy run offscreen. Cut to some front porch. Chorch is staring at a package.}

GRUNDY: Ooh! A package!

JARO: {simultainiously} Ooh! A package!

CHORCH: I’m more worried about where this porch came from. I mean, we’re on a ‘’’boat’’’!

JARO: No time to worry about that! We have a package to open!

{Jaro and Grundy hoist the package offscreen, and Chorch follows.}

{Cut to the living room where the package lies.}

CHORCH: {reading sticker} According to this…the package is for Grundy!

JARO: Grundy gets mail!?

GRUNDY: Yippie! {Rips the top of the box open and pulls a card out.}

JARO: What’s it say?

GRUNDY: Oh no.

CHORCH: Come’n! What’s it say?

JARO: Who’s it from!?

GRUNDY: My…mom.

JARO: Aw, your mommy loves you!

{Grundy opens the card and reads it.}

GRUNDY: Dear Kevin. I’ve been watching your little friends email show and I’m delighted to see that you’re doing well. It’s so happy to {sniff} see you a star. So I forgive you for not sending me a mothers..day…card…. Love, Mom. {not reading} Oh crap.

JARO: Who doesn’t send their own mom a card!?

GRUNDY: Well, you don’t have a mom, so you don’t know what pressure I’m under!

JARO: Oh, I’ve got a mom..

{Cut to an assembly line. Jaros head is being screwed on by a mechanical claw. He activates.}

CLAW: Welcome to exsistance, J420#4352343894.

JARO: I love you…

{Cut back to the trio. Jaros eyes are closed.}

GRUNDY: Jaro! SNAP OUT OF IT!

{Grundy kicks Jaro.}

JARO: I’m awake!

{Grundy hops into the box and sinks in. When he comes out, he is carrying boxes of chocolate, gifts, and cash.}

GRUNDY: Wow! I hit the jackpot!

CHORCH: Grundy, it’s wrong for you to accept these gifts without even giving your mom a present.

GRUNDY: It’s my mom. Besides, you don’t know her like I do.

CHORCH: Grundy…

GRUNDY: Oh fine. But you’ll see…

{Time passess. Cut to like a week later. The trio’s at the computer.}

JARO: {typing} …and that’s why I think Tampo sucks. All 10, 452 reasons.

CHORCH: We got another package…from your mom.

GRUNDY: {Grabs the package, tears it open and reads a card. Reads it.} Take it. Or else. From, your mom.

CHORCH: “Or else”? What’s with your mom?

GRUNDY: She’s aggressive with gifts. And I never told you guys this, but she hasn’t excepted one from me since that one year…

{Cut to some house. Two orange feet stick out of an aligator, who is in a bear, who is in a shark, who has a snake wrapped around it, and all of them are on fire.}

GRUNDY: I’m sorry mom…

GRUNDY’S MOM: It’s okay. Just go get the crowbar.

{Cut back to the trio.}

JARO: HOW DID ALL THAT HAPPEN!!?!

GRUNDY: You don’t want to know…

JARO: Oh.

CHORCH: Have you noticed that Camera-Bot has been following around for this whole ordeal?

JARO: Huh? {faces camera} Whoops! Forgot to turn it off! Uh…so untill next time folks, remember to brush your teeth after every meal!

Click here to email Jaro.

Easter Eggs

• Click on Grundy to see some Your Mom jokes.

{Cut to some stage.}

GRUNDY: Your mom’s so fat, she fell on the sidewalk and tried not to laugh but the ground was cracking up!

GRUNDY: Your mom’s so old, she’s got dinosaurs in her yearbook!

GRUNDY: Your mom’s so fat, she wears a sock for each toe!

SOMEONE: {offscreen} Well, ‘’’your’’’ Mom’s so dumb, she thought that was funny!

GRUNDY: {sniff} That was hurtfull.

Fun Factamundos

• This is the first email since Weapons to not feature The Poopsmith.
• The dog scene is an obvious reference to Because of Winn Dixie, living proof that people are starved for new movie ideas.
• The cat scene is a nod to Garfield.
• The whale scene was a reference to The Simpsons, where Homer watches Free Wily: Directors Cut.
• We learn that Grundy's real name is Kevin.